To think that you shouldn't punish someone else's child indirectly if yours is naughty?

[user1477282676]

DD is 8. We're not in the UK....her best mate was meant to be coming to play today. We're on school holidays and she's been looking forward to this a lot. They usually see one another once or twice a week out of school....they totally love one another.

The Mum has called me to say that their DD has been naughty all morning so they don't feel they can "reward" her with a visit to my DD.

AIBU in thinking this is not right? If it were my DD I'd take her to her mate's house but let her know that she would be having screen time removed that evening or for however long was appropriate as a consequence of her behaviour.

DD is upset...it did cross my mind that perhaps the friend doesnt want to come...and that this is an excuse but they're the sort of people who'd just come out and be honest I think.

At that age stopping pocket money, no TV for a period of time are all options that work.

Maybe try don't work for this child? The parent had made a choice about the most appropriate punishment for this child, shouldn't we trust them to know what will be most effective for their child?

The entitlement on this thread is bizarre

I see the entitlement the other way around. To me it is entitled to expect other people to be inconvenienced, in order to support the bringing up of your child.

I have had people do this to me, and I just don't arrange stuff with them anymore. I don't think much of people who let mine down because they can't think up better ways of disciplining their child.

Nataleejah Early teen years example is irrelevant because by then kids arrange seeing each other by themselves, without adults making plans and facilitating.

Given that the OP's DD is 8, I don't think the example is irrelevant at all.

Maybe they don't work for this child? The parent had made a choice about the most appropriate punishment for this child, shouldn't we trust them to know what will be most effective for their child?

Good point. The natural consequence of this though was that I stopped arranging things with the mother who cancelled on my child five times out of six. She was home educating her DD. The last I heard her DD was back in school 'as you need a social life'. Well yes madam, when you keep using your DD's social interactions as handy punishments she won't get to go out much.

I don't understand how some posters simultaneously believe that the OP's 8 year old daughter is old enough to understand that she is missing out on a fun day planned because her friend's mum couldn't come up with a better way to deal with her daughter's behaviour, whereas the 8 year old friend is too young to understand a slightly delayed punishment.

My son is 4 and he would be better able to understand a punishment later in the day than he would an effective punishment as a by-product of someone else's behaviour.

I don't think expecting the other party to keep to plans made makes someone "entitled"

I agree potnoodle. I can't believe this thread is still rumbling on!
Suck it up and move on. I just don't understand how one child is more important than another. If one of the children is naughty they shouldn't get a treat. If visiting a friend is that treat they shouldn't get it as a consequence of bad behaviour. The other child has to respect the adult's decision.
Honestly, life is a lot more disappointing than this. Children need to learn that sometimes things don't happen for a reason that's nothing to do with them!

Good point Dojo

Given that the OP's DD is 8, I don't think the example is irrelevant at all.
In my teen years i used to say "i'm punished/grounded" if i didn't fancy going somewhere. So i wasn't the one being a cow, my mother was

And OP is abou adults making arrangements and keeping them. Yes shit happens, like an illness/accident/unexpected work/exploded boiler. Punishing a stroppy kid isn't exactly an emergency. Its basically saying "you know, sod you and whatever we've planned, i just changed my mind"

Sorry op but YABVU. You dd was just going round to play as she does more than once a week, it's not as if it was a special occasion.

If your dds friend was behaving so badly her dm cancelled, you should be supportive. And no it isnt punishing your child, you and your child were free to do something else fun. Getting used to occasional minor (and this was very minor as it was a very regular play, which will happen again very soon) disappointments without throwing a tantrum is good for them.

Tough one, but I would say YABU. I get that your DD is disappointed, but good on the other mum for following through. A friend and I were both having a really tough time with our DDs playing up so we arranged a fictional sleepover (I.e. Both girls thought it was happening but in reality it was never going to!) and when they both carried on being badly behaved we 'cancelled' it as punishment- their behaviour massively improved!

Personally I agree with you op and it's not a punishment I would use. But people parent differently. If someone I knew made a habit of cancelling playdates to punish their child I'd probably stop arranging them though.

Perhaps the child is being difficult because she's overtired. Perhaps mum knows her behaviour would likely continue.

Maybe it hasn't been explained particularly well, but perhaps mum is frazzled by unreasonable behaviour and sees no alternative.

And perhaps she thinks another mum will understand and show her some solidarity.

Sorry YABU. If I was the other mother that's exactly what I would have done as well. It's a shame your daughter had the suffer too but I total agree with what she did

YANBU, I would be too embarrassed to do this and I ,like you, don't think it's fair on the other child. I think it's quite a selfish punishment for the parent to give. I have always said to my dc's that I would have stopped them going to friends house but it wouldn't be fair on friend as they are expecting them, however if behaviour continues next time they are asked they would not be allowed to go, seems to work for me.

Sounds crazy. But then I don't punish.

superwoman- I don't punish either.

A punishment will only work if a person loses something they really value and love to do. Perhaps your child's friend would not really care if they lost screen time or not and so that may be an ineffective punishment. Personally I would offer an opportunity to gain an extra play date at a later date if behaviour is good to make it up. Some children are more willful than others our DD was so well behaved we rarely had to resort to punishments whereas our DS1 was constantly testing out what he could get away with and we had to take more privileges off of him until his behaviour improved. YABU.

superwoman and mindtrope, I would say I don't punish either but what would you do if 4yo dc is being (repeatedly) rough with 1.5yo dc? I check baby, remind him to be gentle/remove him from room-to be with me (adjoining kitchen) when I have to finish jobs but to him that is a punishment and I literally have to lift him out.. sorry for derailing (non-returning) op but these threads are jntersting for the different views

*meant to put a ? after 'non-returning '!

Mikado. ..that's not a punishment, that's a natural consequence which is the best kind of consequence. If you are rough with baby it hurts baby so you can't play with baby and can instead play with mummy doing jobs. If you say if you are rough with baby I will take your bike away that's a punishment as it a bit illogical - it doesnt naturally follow that if you are rough you dont get your bike - even if it gets a short term result in some cases. My youngest, I learned very quickly, was rubbish when I gave these types of punishments. It had to be very logical for him.

Surely it depends on what the child is doing?

I would say SIBU for
Her room was untidy.
She hadn't done her homework.
She hadn't done her chores.

SINBU for
Violence (biting, Hitting)
Breaking things
creating damage or general carnage