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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that you shouldn't punish someone else's child indirectly if yours is naughty?

163 replies

user1477282676 · 05/01/2017 00:14

DD is 8. We're not in the UK....her best mate was meant to be coming to play today. We're on school holidays and she's been looking forward to this a lot. They usually see one another once or twice a week out of school....they totally love one another.

The Mum has called me to say that their DD has been naughty all morning so they don't feel they can "reward" her with a visit to my DD.

AIBU in thinking this is not right? If it were my DD I'd take her to her mate's house but let her know that she would be having screen time removed that evening or for however long was appropriate as a consequence of her behaviour.

DD is upset...it did cross my mind that perhaps the friend doesnt want to come...and that this is an excuse but they're the sort of people who'd just come out and be honest I think.

OP posts:
Okkitokkiunga · 05/01/2017 08:37

I agree with you and I have always made a point that another child shouldn't be punished. I also never do anything that would punish me either Grin

Though if i was in the situation where DC had hurt other DC I poss would if their absence wouldn't really be noticed.

TheLivingAsheth · 05/01/2017 08:44

YANBU. You are right that it is punishing the other child. And the parent in many cases, if they have got food in, or been planning something, and now have to deal with a sad child. DH has a tendency to say "right do that again and you won't be going to Xs" and it drives me mad, bcause it is so unfair to the other child.

OpalTree · 05/01/2017 08:55

Yanbu. Why should your dd be punished too for her friend's behaviour. They should think of a punishment that doesn't punish other people too

2ndSopranos · 05/01/2017 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gatehouse77 · 05/01/2017 09:02

So many variables - depends on what the behaviour was, how many warnings were given, if not going to see her friend was a consequence she was aware of, if it's the accumulation of behaviour rather than a specific incident, etc.

Personally, whilst I'd be mildly annoyed I wouldn't have a problem with it. Such is life sometimes...

MeetTheMartian · 05/01/2017 09:05

I am wondering in which country you are.
Because the idea of the punishment just being an excuse is a very British one. Most other people would just tell you if this was the case.

As for the punishment, well, the mum is doing what she thinks is the best. YABU?

cherryblossomcarpet · 05/01/2017 09:07

A friend did this to me. It was annoying, I'd cancelled other things to fit round her schedule, and she gave me no warning. Literally a text at the time she was due to arrive. That was a bit selfish imo.

nannybeach · 05/01/2017 09:20

YABU it was not your child, but someone elses. You cannot make punishment further down the line, it has to be immediate to be effective.

Notso · 05/01/2017 09:23

DS1's friends Mum did this to us once. They were supposed to be giving DS a lift to a party (DH was working but was bringing them hime afterwards) she rang and said her DS had been too naughty so wasn't going to the party. Which mean't my son couldn't go either.
What pissed me off even more is that she ended up taking her son after an hour.

PurpleMinionMummy · 05/01/2017 09:28

Yabu. It is not for you to dictate how the other parent punishes their child. I'm pretty sure you'd be annoyed if your friend was on here berating your choices of suitable punishment. It was a play date at home so nothing has been lost. Life is full of disappointments and let downs, kids have to get used to that unfortunately.

Why would you want a child who is misbehaving to come over anyway? I'd see it as a bullet well dodged lol

KERALA1 · 05/01/2017 09:32

YANBU. But I have an inbuilt aversion to letting people down - I literally will be there unless I am in bed with flu or I feel horribly guilty. Plus my kids are relatively well behaved. If they had been horrendous no way would my punishment have impacted other families/children.

CantstandmLMs · 05/01/2017 09:40

My boss did this once and indirectly punished the nanny Sad I had a day out planned meeting up with the local toddler group and parents from the village and off to a country park. A fun filled day out for everyone...but on bosses day with them they were so naughty and that's the only punishment she could think of. She did apologise saying they were so looking forward to it and she did threaten it and had to follow through.

I had the worst day ever with them crying, moaning, not allowed to do anything fun and try and get them to clean their rooms Envy

Anyway, that's a bit off topic but reminded me of this and I think you're right it's a bit annoying and unfair!

AntiQuitty · 05/01/2017 09:44

YANBU

It's really bloody rude!

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 05/01/2017 09:45

YANBU. This used to really annoy me - MN is full of posters who are upset at being let down at the last minute - why should it be any different for children.

I think it's completely different punishing a child by not letting them go to a party as there will be many other children for the birthday child to play with - it's not comparable. But when it's only one child meeting up with one another then it's not fair.

There were a number of times when it happened to my DS when he was much younger, he was and is a very sociable child and social arrangements meant a lot to him therefore got quite upset when they were cancelled by his friend's mum at short notice in order to punish her own child.

It also pissed me off as sometimes we had turned down other invitations/ made careful arrangements in order to accommodate the play date.

It's rude, inconsiderate and is counter productive. You may be punishing the child but you are also sending a message that says it's ok to let people down at the last minute - which it's not.

stillwantrachelshair · 05/01/2017 09:46

YANBU. If it was a group thing and they weren't letting one person down, that would be acceptable but, in this situation, it isn't fair. My DC are 7 and 4 and, over the years, I have had to bite my tongue rather than threaten them with the first thing that comes into my mind (e.g. missing a party) as I don't want someone to suffer (whether disappointment or financially) due to my child. I learned this the hard way when DC1 was about 3.5, telling her we couldn't go to meet up with friends that afternoon and, seconds later, getting a text from the friend to say she'd had a hideous few days as she'd learned her father had been diagnosed with cancer & couldn't wait to see me. It was at that point I realised it was a very selfish punishment that I had threatened DD with so had to do some back tracking.

Treaclex · 05/01/2017 09:53

So what message does it send out to still allow the child who hasn't behaved to have the privilege of the play date ?

SuburbanRhonda · 05/01/2017 09:53

This happened to my DD when she was younger - one child was not allowed to come to her birthday party because she'd been "naughty". It was a party where someone came in and did the girls' hair and nails. I had limited it to eight children because of the cost and we had to leave out some girls because of this.

I was furious having to pay for someone who didn't even come. I really felt the mother could have been more considerate and tried harder to choose a sanction that was linked to the misdemeanour and that didn't punish my DD as well.

intheknickersoftime · 05/01/2017 09:56

I don't think this is being used as an excuse. I can imagine it's extremely frustrating when a party has been paid for. However, she phoned and told you, was honest and straightforward and I think you have to back her up. I don't think she was trying to be rude at all. Do something else with your DD to take the sting out of the disappointment. It's only one day and hopefully you will have an extremely well behaved playmate for your DD. If she was being that disruptive there is a high probability the playdate could have ended in tears! Unless she's learned a lesson.

intheknickersoftime · 05/01/2017 09:59

Sorry I realised large parts of my post make no sense! At least not unless! And you will have a well behaved playmate on another day.

minipie · 05/01/2017 10:03

YANBU that they should consider the consequences for you/your child

but if she'd been behaving badly all morning, perhaps she would have behaved badly at your house too and upset your child or you??

Occasionally I've cancelled playdates when DD has been behaving badly. It's not just as a punishment for DD but also because I can see she's on bad form that day (usually because she's tired/has a cold etc) and I don't want her behaving appallingly at someone else's house!!

Mind you my DD is 4 so maybe that wouldn't apply to an 8 year old.

intheknickersoftime · 05/01/2017 10:10

I think you would have to be pushed to the limit to do this to an 8 year old. Sometimes 4 year olds are just tired, maybe run down and it's best just to cancel. It's hard to know without knowing what this child did. But if the parent thought it was reasonable, there's nothing else to be done but just accept it. I understand the OP s frustration though.

SatsukiKusakabe · 05/01/2017 10:12

It's not a privilege - it is a social obligation that should be honoured and is not anything to do with her behaviour.

I wouldn't threaten such a thing to keep a child in line, I'd try and get to the bottom of the behaviour itself.

I don't really understand viewing everything as a transaction, get this, take away that, with regard to children. Seems very tiring.

They shouldn't behave well because there is something in it for them, just that it is the right thing to do, affects others if they don't etc. and this is what should be emphasised, not arbitrary removal of things.

SatsukiKusakabe · 05/01/2017 10:14

Yes minipie if the behaviour is a sign of not really being up for it that's different, and fine to cancel if the child is just not on form, seems weird to use it as a "punishment" though.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/01/2017 10:15

Going for the soft option later on is unlikely to go noticed by the child. She'd have already had a day fun with her best friend, no screen time would be a willing sacrifice.

I'm with the other parent. If the child has been a pain in backside to deal with, why should she get reward for that. Shit for your DD but a lesson learned.

KERALA1 · 05/01/2017 10:15

Totally agree Satsuki

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