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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that you shouldn't punish someone else's child indirectly if yours is naughty?

163 replies

user1477282676 · 05/01/2017 00:14

DD is 8. We're not in the UK....her best mate was meant to be coming to play today. We're on school holidays and she's been looking forward to this a lot. They usually see one another once or twice a week out of school....they totally love one another.

The Mum has called me to say that their DD has been naughty all morning so they don't feel they can "reward" her with a visit to my DD.

AIBU in thinking this is not right? If it were my DD I'd take her to her mate's house but let her know that she would be having screen time removed that evening or for however long was appropriate as a consequence of her behaviour.

DD is upset...it did cross my mind that perhaps the friend doesnt want to come...and that this is an excuse but they're the sort of people who'd just come out and be honest I think.

OP posts:
TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 05/01/2017 11:44

treat your daughter to a nice day out regardless of friend coming, and next time you see ill behaved child, do her mother a favour and say how sad you were not to see her as arranged as she had been too naughty to be allowed over.

Bad behaviour has consequences....and they are not good ones!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/01/2017 11:57

Rhonda Wasnt exactly the ideal situation, but with 10 minutes before school started before she was actually really late, I was limited for options, so i had to go with it.

SuburbanRhonda · 05/01/2017 11:58

next time you see ill behaved child, do her mother a favour and say how sad you were not to see her as arranged as she had been too naughty to be allowed over.

Seriously? So as well as being punished, the friend should be humiliated by the OP long after the actual event, to properly ram the message home?

dowhatnow · 05/01/2017 12:27

Tali I might have done the same as you but that wasn't affecting someone else. In the ops case it is letting down and disappointing a friend as well as punishing the child. Completely different scenarios and in your case a good consequence. And Suburbanrhonda was being playing devils advocate.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 05/01/2017 12:28

opal I agree the girl let her dd down because of her behaviour she was indeed petty and selfish. Maybe it's a good example, don't be naughty as you won't get treats rather than 'be naughty and keep your treats and later when you have forgotten all about it I'm going to punish you' Smile or "I can be as naughty as I like because I can still see my friend- why should I stop?'

It's not the end of the world the op can go park, swimming, bike riding ect with her daughter ... It's at home play date - they are eight. No money was wasted.

Her daughter does not come first before another family and their parenting style.

BIgBagofJelly · 05/01/2017 12:36

Some of these replies are bizarre. There should be consequences for bad behaviour but you don't need to remove every single good thing in their life until you deem them forgiven. They still need to keep to commitments. What if they were looking forward to taking part in a team sport? Or other commitment? Would you just let down the team because they were naughty? There are plenty of consequences that don't impact other people.

Peanutbutterrules · 05/01/2017 12:38

My DD's best friend was threatened at DD's birthday party with a cancelled sleepover that night due parental to anger over child getting clothes dirty. I pointed out that cancelling the birthday sleepover during the party would be as hurtful for my DD, as for her friend. At that age stopping pocket money, no TV for a period of time are all options that work. Say it, mean it and do it - no need to upset friends because your kid is acting up. I got grumped at, but the sleepover went ahead.

In reality if parents cancel events at the last minute as punishment it does make it less likely that their kids will be invited to special events as it's too risky to have it ruined at the last minute.

MrsJayy · 05/01/2017 12:41

Yabu the child was naughty so didn't get to do a nice thing i know your dd is upset but she has to know if you are naughty you dont get to do x y z. I dont agree with keeping punishment for later.

dowhatnow · 05/01/2017 12:47

Unless they are younger than three or have SN, it is in most kids ability to relate a consequence a few hours later, to an original poor choice. They do have brains you know.

RunWalkCrawlbutMove · 05/01/2017 12:51

A delayed punishment is no way near as effective as a speedy one. And sometimes you need to make a point with a fast, obvious consequence. I have only had to cancel a play date once. I would have been unhappy to send Ds behaving as he was, even if I wasn't using it as a punishment.
I know it is disappointing for the other child but if it isn't a frequent situation I think YABU.

Also, some kids are much harder to discipline than others. One of mine has ADHD - delayed punishments are ineffective, it can take something like this to get the message into them.

MrsJayy · 05/01/2017 12:59

Thing is maybe mum was thinking there is no way im taking her to friends behaving like that she is a nightmare today. op she could have let her come and play and you could have posted a very different thread about dds naughty friend . Mum made that decision and you and your dd need to accept that.

melj1213 · 05/01/2017 13:58

The amount of people trying to compare cancelling a playdate between friends that see each other regularly to parties and situations where money is lost or significant planning has taken place is totally irrelevant in this case as they are not the same thing.

The parents hadn't arranged some elaborate event, it wasn't a significant party or anything where people would lose money if one party cancelled. It was a playdate, and if one child wasn't capable of following instructions then they are given parental consequences, and in this instance the OP's daughter was unavoidably upset, but it's hardly the end of the world. Also, perhaps the friend's mum knew that her daughter needed an immediate consequence in this instance either because of repeated misbehaviour or one big incident that morning, and followed through appropriately but she was hardly going to go into all the details of it on the phone to her daughter's friend's mother and so she went with a general "Sorry, she misbehaved and can't come."

I'm sure if it had been something that would have incurred a financial loss - eg tickets that had already been bought to see a movie - then perhaps the other mother would have decided a delayed punishment or some other consequence was appropriate for her child, or at least offered reimbursement for the money lost, but that wasn't the case.

SatsukiKusakabe · 05/01/2017 14:11

I think it just shows the irrelevance of the punishment if you would let it go ahead despite misbehaviour if it in was a bigger event which incurred costs.

The consequence for poor behaviour is taking responsibility for having upset others, explaining yourself and your actions, and making amends for them. I don't see that having to "pay" for it by forgoing something you enjoy is applicable.

SuburbanRhonda · 05/01/2017 14:27

it's hardly the end of the world

Well, that's just great you think that. I'm sure if the OP tells her daughter that, everything will be just fine and dandy.

TheLivingAsheth · 05/01/2017 14:33

Its not just financial loss though, melj. A parent and I organise a playdate on a particular day. Perhaps I am then asked by someone else "would you like to do X?" No, I say, we have little Jane coming to play. Or perhaps DD is asked to another thing but she declines because she has a friend coming round. Then the friend doesn't come round. So we have given up something nice for no reason. So we are being punished as well.

melj1213 · 05/01/2017 15:54

I'm sure if the OP tells her daughter that, everything will be just fine and dandy.

I'm not suggesting the OP says that but the amount of people who are acting like it's a personal slight for the friend to not come is making me Hmm. The OP's daughter is 8, which is more than old enough for her to understand "Sorry, your friend was misbehaving and can't come over today. Lets do something else and we can reschedule it for another day".

So we are being punished as well.

No you are not, you are inconvenienced yes but not punished. So you miss out on a play date, does that mean you can't leave your house for the rest of the day? It's one thing if someone cancels last minute because something better came up or they couldn't be bothered, but when they have a legitimate reason (and I see consequences of actions as being a legitimate reason) then I'm willing to give them a bit more of a pass.

We've had people cacel plans last minute, it's inconvenient and it sucks but I have understanding that other peoples' schedules change and sometimes shit happens that means we're let down. Do I then just sit around thinking about how unreasonable they are? No, I feel pissed off for ten minutes and make new arrangements with our unexpected free time even if they're just "Lets go for a walk in the park and then we can go for hot chocolate and cake afterwards, and we can reschedule the playdate for another day."

TheMysteriousJackelope · 05/01/2017 16:24

The DC has a friend whose mother has cancelled play dates and trips out at the last minute because:
Her room was untidy.
She hadn't done her homework.
She hadn't done her chores.

Sorry, the mother knew about the arrangements for two weeks before. That gave her two weeks to sort out chores, tidy rooms, and sort out homework arrangements. She was just using us as a handy punishment. She did it five times out of six, and we just stopped inviting her DD over. It was pointless as she was guaranteed not to turn up and my DD was fed up of making arrangements for activities that she then had to do on her own.

The 'punishments have to be immediate to be effective' is for toddlers and young children. 8+ is more than old enough to get cause and effect between 'you spoke to me rudely so you'll be going to bed early for the rest of the week as you are obviously tired out and stroppy' rather than needing 'you spoke to me rudely so we aren't going to X's today'.

Nataleejah · 05/01/2017 17:06

If bad behaviour is being stroppy/grumpy/tantrums/overtired, then maybe playdayte wouldn't have gone well. But if its over a forgotten chore, then its a shitty behaviour of a parent.
Early teen years example is irrelevant because by then kids arrange seeing each other by themselves, without adults making plans and facilitating.

mathanxiety · 05/01/2017 17:11

I don't think the 'grounded' thing is relevant here.

What grounding does is prevent a teen from making plans with other teens, plans that do not involve the other teens' parents the way playdate or sleepover plans involve the other parent.

Who knows what plans the OP might have made with her family or just for herself instead of the playdate that she would have agreed to supervise? Essentially, somebody else has done the mother of the miscreant the favour of taking her daughter off her hands for the afternoon and she is then informed her contribution is no longer required.

This has happened to me. I decided to put off a trip to see an exhibition until the following weekend in order to facilitate a playdate and sleepover that was canceled an hour and a half before it was supposed to begin. We all sat home and twiddled our thumbs instead. I thought it was really high handed and rude to cause so much collateral damage.

mathanxiety · 05/01/2017 17:12

If you are essentially trying to teach consideration for others, then how is that accomplished by behaving so badly towards another parent and child?

mathanxiety · 05/01/2017 17:13

ex post with Nataleejah

Potnoodlewilld0 · 05/01/2017 17:14

The entitlement on this threas is bizzare.

It was a eight year old pay date that got scrapped as one of the kids was playing up FFS!

This why we have a culture of bratty entitled kids and PO parents. Move on guts it's no big deal.

mathanxiety · 05/01/2017 17:18

YY TheLivingAsheth - in my case some of the other DCs had asked to have friends over the same weekend but were told no as 'E' was going to be there (small house, 5 DCs, can't have everyone's friend over at the same time). You can't always do something else - weather, cost of alternative entertainment, commitments of other DCs (sports in this case, and I had arranged lifts for two of them because I was going to be home supervising the playdate, so then I owed lifts to others...) It is often a complete pita even without 5 DCs to juggle.

KnittedBlanketHoles · 05/01/2017 17:19

Yanbu the other parents have made a choice about what will work as an effective punishment and future deterrent for their child. If it happened regularly then it might be worth digressing other punishments they could try and mention your own inconvenience. As it is, I think you should be a little understanding- they're trying to teach their child how to behave, it is important.

Nataleejah · 05/01/2017 17:23

Its not that much about kids, but about adults. Adults made plans, one of them cancels last minute because a change of mind for whatever reason Hmm

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