Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that you shouldn't punish someone else's child indirectly if yours is naughty?

163 replies

user1477282676 · 05/01/2017 00:14

DD is 8. We're not in the UK....her best mate was meant to be coming to play today. We're on school holidays and she's been looking forward to this a lot. They usually see one another once or twice a week out of school....they totally love one another.

The Mum has called me to say that their DD has been naughty all morning so they don't feel they can "reward" her with a visit to my DD.

AIBU in thinking this is not right? If it were my DD I'd take her to her mate's house but let her know that she would be having screen time removed that evening or for however long was appropriate as a consequence of her behaviour.

DD is upset...it did cross my mind that perhaps the friend doesnt want to come...and that this is an excuse but they're the sort of people who'd just come out and be honest I think.

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 05/01/2017 10:16

I don't think this is that much of a big deal. If you had an outing planned, like the cinema or a meal or something, then yes, I think it would be unfair on your daughter and rude of them to cancel at the last minute, but they were only going to be playing at your house, so it's not really a major inconvenience to cancel the plan, just mildly disappointing for your daughter. And the school holidays are nearly over; they'll be seeing each other soon anyway.

It is also possible, as you say, that there was another reason and it was a fib - although you'd think if she just didn't want to go it would be more likely they'd feign a tummy upset or a headache or something, rather than saying 'She's been naughty'.

dowhatnow · 05/01/2017 10:18

YANBU.
I've said to my kids in the past, that it is only because I didn't want to let the other kids down, that they've been allowed to do something.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 05/01/2017 10:21

YABU

saving punishments for later is weird and cruel. It's should be immidiate and forgotten about.

Children don't think 2/3 hours down the line they deal in the moment.

Why should she have been treated then punished?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 05/01/2017 10:25

YANBU - this is a punishment for your dd too, even though she hasn't done anything wrong.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 05/01/2017 10:29

To be honest, if an 8 year old is being terribly behaved, do you really want them in your house in that mood?

It's not just a punishment, but also a concequence - as in, "If you can't demonstrate you can behave nicely, it's not possible for me to leave you in another family's care for the morning to play."

Badly behaved children make for terribly stressful playdates. Much better to leave it until your DD's friend is in a better mood - your DD wouldn't have had fun if her friend was being a bit of a shit today anyway.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 05/01/2017 10:32

Your dd is none of her concern though so why should she be factored in when her friend is being punished.

Honestly this is why this generation of kids are so entitled!

mikado1 · 05/01/2017 10:37

It may not have been punishment for the sake of punishment - like your example of screen time - but her D.C. may be going through bad behaviour when playing with others so actually would not have been able for play date. My ds was really over tired and impulsive over the summer and we were five mins into a play date at a friend's and I had to take him home, I could see it was going to go from bad to worse. Disappointing for little friend perhaps but better than putting either child through a miserable time. It could be similar with your friend.

For me screen time and behaviour are not linked so not a good consequence, but that's by the by.

dowhatnow · 05/01/2017 10:38

I think it's sad that a parent can't find a better way of dealing with the situation, that doesn't involve punishing other kids by default.

I never let other kids down but it certainly didn't mean that my kids got away with bad behaviour.

Peanutbutterrules · 05/01/2017 10:44

Agree its not a great thing to do...others get hurt by this so why not do something that doesn't mess others around. Its not like its the only way to discipline a child.

OpalTree · 05/01/2017 11:13

Your dd is none of her concern though so why should she be factored in when her friend is being punished.
Honestly this is why this generation of kids are so entitled!

Pretty selfish example to set to a child. "Who cares if you let people down. Other people are not my problem. I'll do what suits me." Honestly, this is why this generation of kids are so selfish, bad mannered and thoughtless. Wink

TheLivingAsheth · 05/01/2017 11:17

I was about to post something similar Opal. Why don't we all decide not to meet our friends at the last minute. "None of my concern if you are disappointed, friend!"

dowhatnow · 05/01/2017 11:20

Opal - so very true.

SuburbanRhonda · 05/01/2017 11:21

Shit for your DD but lesson learned.

But what lesson is being learned though? That adults are happy to extend the punishment for one child to another who had nothing to do with it?

BarbarianMum · 05/01/2017 11:23

I would use it as an absolute last resort. I have previously stopped them going to parties because of exceptionally poor behaviour, but only class parties when they weren't particularly friends with the birthday child, never one where their absence would be noticed.

In general though, I agree with you.

ParadiseCity · 05/01/2017 11:23

I am in a group of friends who do this sometimes. I know all the parents and children well and know they'd never do it as an excuse or on a whim. Sometimes it is just the right thing to do. So I think YABU sorry.

BarbarianMum · 05/01/2017 11:25

That if your friend really messes up, they will be grounded and unavailable to do stuff with. Very common in young teenage years.

TheLivingAsheth · 05/01/2017 11:27

I have told DS that I would take him home from activities before if he didn't stop whatever he was doing, and have done so. But that doesn't affect others. I would be so pissed off if a parent stopped their child from attending a playdate/ sleepover/ activity/ party with my child at the last minute as a punishment. It would make me less likely to arrange things with them in future.

TheStoic · 05/01/2017 11:27

It depends what is more important to you: teaching your own child consequences, or not letting down someone else's child. Do you want to be a good parent, or a good friend?

Depending on the circumstances, I don't think it's good parenting to allow kids to have a treat when their behaviour has been appalling. A random punishment after the fact is not nearly as effective.

Namechangenurseryconcerns · 05/01/2017 11:27

I've done this-dd (7) was going through a stage of refusing to get dressed-having all sorts of tantrums and dramas. We were due to go to her friend's house, I gave her plenty of time to get dressed and she started playing up.
I told her that if she wasn't dressed in 10 minutes we wouldn't be able to go. She wasn't and was still kicking up a fuss so I stuck to my word and apologised profusely to friend's mum.
As soon as I'd said that she was dressed within 1 minute but I felt I still had to stick to what I'd said even though others were upset.
What would others have done in that situation? Genuine question.

SuburbanRhonda · 05/01/2017 11:30

Very common in young teenage years.

So age 8 is "young teenage" now? Hmm

TheLivingAsheth · 05/01/2017 11:32

Namechange, I would not have told her we wouldn't be able to go, because I wouldn't want to disappoint the other child and inconvenience the parent who perhaps had stayed in rather than made other plans, because they were going to be hosting your child, maybe had planned their day around having two children around not one, etc.

BarbarianMum · 05/01/2017 11:33

No, I didn't say that, did I Rhonda ? I was just pointing out this is something all kids learn to deal with at some point. Hmm

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/01/2017 11:36

What would others have done in that situation? Genuine question.

I would have done the same and did with DD in December. She was messing about before school not getting dressed. Warned her that if she kept on, I wouldnt let her go to xmas fair after school. She didnt listen and got lippy, so I didnt let her go.

SuburbanRhonda · 05/01/2017 11:37

So why mention young teenagers then?

The language of choices and consequences should be age-appropriate. It's irrelevant to an 8-year-old what sanctions are used for young teenagers.

SuburbanRhonda · 05/01/2017 11:41

Warned her that if she kept on, I wouldnt let her go to xmas fair after school.

I though people were saying delayed sanctions weren't a good idea?

Swipe left for the next trending thread