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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DDs voices

144 replies

MummyEire · 04/01/2017 13:11

Posting on here for traffic

I have posted before about Dd and self harming and some background information about bereavement,school changes,abuse and you were all so helpful so thank you flowers
I don't know how to link but here is my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2801692-To-think-my-DD-needs-help

DD went back to school yesterday after a lovely Christmas holiday together planning all sorts of adventures for the new year .

She's been sent home early from school today because she was absolutely hysterical and they couldn't calm her down. In the middle of a lesson she's burst out crying saying 'he's touching me ,tell him to stop,tell him to stop talking' . Her teacher said she was shaking,struggling to breathe whilst crying and pastoral staff couldn't calm her down. When they tried to help her stand up and get out the lesson she started fight back and scream, (She can't stand people touching her) so the class had to move into another classroom

She refuses to engage with counsellors/services to a point where she won't say a word in the sessions . I don't know how to handle today's situation. Do I talk to her about this today or let her rest?

OP posts:
MummyEire · 05/01/2017 16:24

Dd usually have a good couple of days with a few hiccups and then something big but this week has been one of the worst Sad

She's putting her foot down and saying she doesn't want to be home schooled ,maybe only short term and then return to school . With her age as well this year and next year is important but her mental health concerns me more than school

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Rixera · 05/01/2017 16:32

The two can be intertwined. I would not have done well at all taken out of school! School is good for routines, distraction, being sociable (v important for mental health) and if you have a good meeting with the school it could become a very useful tool in her healing, especially if she has reasonable academic goals. Learning the balance between work and self care is a good thing to learn as early as possible, after all, and school is a good environment to learn that.

MummyEire · 05/01/2017 16:51

I will see how the meeting goes. I guess you are right . To her school is important. The routine of it all gives her some normality when she thinks she's not normal (I love a quote one pp said 'normal reaction to abnormal stuff). At school they don't know her as the girl who's gone through this and that etc,people don't know about it so they don't change the way they see her like some people do.

She's agreed to have tomorrow off. The questions she was getting today were overwhelming though I'm sure the other children meant no harm.

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AnaMaleka · 05/01/2017 17:16

If you're off tomorrow with her could you take her out for a tea and cake, or something she likes (anything)? Something relaxing for her that gets her out of the house? Or go for a walk..anything gentle.

Oh and recently I've discovered colouring books as a brilliant way to calm down (I previously wasn't a fan!). Meditation/mindfulness/body scans can help, but sometimes being in the body at any level is too much. However, colouring uses a different part of the brain, takes your mind off the stress, is not stressful in itself and is centring in that it brings your awareness back to your hands and immediate vicinity. It's also cheap!

MummyEire · 05/01/2017 17:24

I am off tomorrow and have now arranged a meeting with the school . Will leave her with some films and snacks whilst I'm at the meeting but I'm really concerned to leave her at home now,she's posting a lot about suicide and has found something else to cut with since I took away what she had.

She will love a trip to her favourite cake shop. I'm not so sure on colouring though because she's had a few mindfulness colouring books and just gets frustrated at them

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AnaMaleka · 05/01/2017 19:18

Yeah if not her thing then no use, at least for now. All these things can change and some never do, so just an idea to keep in your pocket.

I hope tomorrow goes well, for both of you.

MummyEire · 05/01/2017 19:34

Thank you Flowers

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JsOtherHalf · 05/01/2017 20:11

Would this sort of bear help her at night?

www.glow.co.uk/beating-heart-glow-cuddles.html

MummyEire · 05/01/2017 20:13

I haven't seen those type of bears before . Seems perfect. Thank you

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MummyEire · 05/01/2017 20:27

I think the vibrating heart will trigger her . The glow one is brilliant though

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JsOtherHalf · 05/01/2017 20:37

Tree of life aromatherapy necklace:

www.amazon.co.uk/Lmeison-Aromatherapy-Essential-Hypo-allergenic-Stainless/dp/B01GJOKQOU/ref=sr_1_31?ie=UTF8&qid=1483648496&sr=8-31&keywords=Sterling+silver+necklace+with+perfume

It might help if she can smell some of her - or your- favourite perfume?

MummyEire · 05/01/2017 20:39

That's brilliant . I was going to her her a solid perfume stick and a necklace but I think the aromatherapy necklace is a lot easier

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JsOtherHalf · 05/01/2017 20:50

Does she have a device she can download puzzle games?

tabtimes.com/best-puzzle-games-ipad-30423/

MummyEire · 05/01/2017 20:53

She does ,I've downloaded some mindfulness apps on her phone/iPad too. I'm just trying to think of ways to keep her busy whilst I'm at the meeting tomorrow. I don't have anyone close by to keep an eye on her ,don't want her harming herself

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JustAnotherYellowBelly · 05/01/2017 20:57

To distract myself when I am getting panicky, I play a game called 2048 on iPhone. Before I found that I played Froggydex.

I don't know if these would help her but I've found that these help more as they distract me (and are slightly addictive)...

JustAnotherYellowBelly · 05/01/2017 20:58

Oh and I also listen to white noise if I'm feeling particularly bad (one of my auditory triggers are certain household noises)

CelestialTree · 05/01/2017 21:03

Games to build things/animal habitats. Like the sim city game for tablet?

stumblymonkey · 05/01/2017 21:04

Not all of them will see children however it is really worth contacting your local rape crisis centre.

I used to be a trustee at one...we offered counselling (on a means tested sliding fee scale) that was specifically for sexual abuse with highly qualified, specialist counsellors.

Even if your local one doesn't see children I'm absolutely sure that they would meet with you and talk to you about how you can support your daughter. They will know all of the local relevant services and could talk you through things like grounding techniques that you can use with her Flowers

stumblymonkey · 05/01/2017 21:06

There is some brief advice on helping people experiencing flashbacks here:

http://www.lifecentre.uk.com/worddocs/FlashbackssinfoanddhowtooSupportPeopleeSufferingfromm_Flashbacks.doc

MummyEire · 05/01/2017 21:11

Thank you for the distraction ideas and links.

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OhSuckItUpDucky · 05/01/2017 21:31

The support and knowledge on here never ceases to amaze me
You really are a brilliant bunch

Lifewillgetbetter01 · 05/01/2017 21:37

Hi Mummy I have followed your posts and just wanted to add a bit of my advice.

You have said that you have removed the implements that your DD uses to SH. My advice is don't - these items are highly significant and offer security and a degree of comfort to your DD. I learn't this through bitter experience with my own DD.

My DD started SH at the age of 16 and had a secret "stash" of instruments that she would use to cut herself (usually shards of broken glass and some stanley knife blades that she took from our tool box).

Like you I hated this and so I decided to remove all of these implements as well as hiding the sharpest kitchen knives and locking away all medication in a padlocked trunk. This was a very negative exercise as it took away my daughters feeling of control and it made her find other, less hygienic, methods to cut herself. She removed the retaining screws in pencil sharpeners to get at the blades, she found a sharp piece of stone/flint in the front garden gravel which was sharp enough to cut herself with. As a last resort she also chewed the plastic which is wrapped around the ends of shoelaces - this flattened the plastic and made it sharp enough to cut with.

When I saw the levels that DD would go to to cut herself and obtain the relief that she needed I relented and, I allowed her access to sterile razor blades along with antibacterial wipes and steristrips which she could use to pull the wound edges together afterwards,

As a mother these actions absolutely broke me but I stand by my actions. DD was going to cut herself regardless, it was my role to keep her as safe as I could and help her when she inevitably hit rock bottom after the initial cutting euphoria had subsided.

Please think carefully about the fact that you have taken your DD "comfort blanket" away. I fully understand why you would do it (I'm hardly "Mother of the Year" for given my DD cutting blades am I!) but please see it from her point of view.

If you follow my actions and give her blades/anti bac wipes and wound dressings tell her that you understand why she needs them. Explain you hate the fact that she needs to do it but remind her that you'll do anything in the world to keep her as safe as you can.

My DD is 20yrs old now and still SHs but the episodes are less - sadly I still cry myself to sleep a lot of the time so I can understand some of what you are going through.

Please look after yourself.

MummyEire · 05/01/2017 21:42

ohsuckitupducky really are an amazing bunch on here.

I'm sorry you and your dd had to go through that lifewillgetbetter . I should of thought if she is separate she could make anything work. I understand what you mean about giving her access to this stuff,I wouldn't want her to get infected cuts. She's got hold of another blade which I won't take off her tonight.

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Lifewillgetbetter01 · 05/01/2017 21:46

You may find that your DD may not cut even though she has got a blade.

It can give her a feeling of comfort and feeling in control - she'l now feel that it's her decision and choice whether to cut or not. Most importantly she is in control of her situation.

Can you offer any antiseptic cream/dressings etc and just tell her that they're there if needed.

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