DDs voices

[MummyEire]

Posting on here for traffic

I have posted before about Dd and self harming and some background information about bereavement,school changes,abuse and you were all so helpful so thank you flowers
I don't know how to link but here is my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2801692-To-think-my-DD-needs-help

DD went back to school yesterday after a lovely Christmas holiday together planning all sorts of adventures for the new year .

She's been sent home early from school today because she was absolutely hysterical and they couldn't calm her down. In the middle of a lesson she's burst out crying saying 'he's touching me ,tell him to stop,tell him to stop talking' . Her teacher said she was shaking,struggling to breathe whilst crying and pastoral staff couldn't calm her down. When they tried to help her stand up and get out the lesson she started fight back and scream, (She can't stand people touching her) so the class had to move into another classroom

She refuses to engage with counsellors/services to a point where she won't say a word in the sessions . I don't know how to handle today's situation. Do I talk to her about this today or let her rest?

I will talk to her about a counsellor as she's self harming more often and posting posts about suicide and I am really concerned

Kateandme 1horatio and rivira you really have given me hope and a sense of relief and the techniques you mentioned will hopefully help DD. She's still determined to go to school tomorrow but I'll be prepared at work incase I get a phone call. At least tomorrow I'll be able to call a few helplines and ask for advice as I would really like her to have counselling

11horatio great points.im sorry you had to go through crap too keep fighting the good fight... and I agree on talking. until its all out there,to a councilor or some other form it will forever be locked in their.it needs to be explosed and be sorted out so she knows its not her fault and its forever vetowed from tumbling around in her own head.
I also no this isn't always possible and doesn't have atimeframe to it.and there might be a day where she can find some other way of dealing with it.
I guess its about trial and error. its going to be different for everyone. some people can get passed thing some people take longer som people do things totally different to someone else. its all so varied and that what make mental health and trauma a bi*ch because there isn't just a pill and a cure and a set of instruction to fix it so to speak its an illness intwinted around the mind and the mind is aconfusing place.

In pe she's always wore a jumper and no one has asked questions but she's cut her legs quite badly and can't wear track suits,she's done this before and the only thing the school agreed to was saying she could get dressed somewhere else which makes no sense as they would be visible in the lesson

mummyaire don't you ever give up ok. it can feel like the worst moment in life when you in the storm but it changes,tomorrow will be different. each time she goes into her flashbacks it must feel she wont be rescued,but she is shes comes out and there a calm. things always always change nothing is stuck. in the moment it can seem like it wont stop or you wont get through,but take the little moments because you do come through,your here now and things are calm.that might change now next hour or next day but it will then calm and it will then be calmer again. just keep.on.going. because it wont last. you can bea tthis if you never give up. devils don't like fighters they will leave her and you can win.

p.s you sound amazing and that is half the battle completed.with support love and kindness and someone alongside her it will beat no end of crap times.therapies, work,school etc can all fail but love never ever fails and that will see you both through the worst of times

Thank you so much Kate I'm sat here crying like a baby . Don't want dd to hear me . You really have been so helpful

Sending love & hugs for you op & your daughter

You sound like a fabulous mum & your daughter is lucky to have you xxxxxx

mummy

You sound really, really great. The fact that she felt like she could come to you is worth so so much. And she has so much of a better chance because of it.

And that school needs to get a grip! Can you go to a therapist or a similar person (you yourself, not necessarily DD yet) and get them to write you a note?

This is a disgrace. DD does not just need to get over her triggers. Do you tell somebody that was blinded to just get over it and start seeing, acting 'normal' again? And I'm sure clothing accommodations are made in the case of other medical issues, aren't they?

Thanks, kate. You, too. Your post was great as well. So well worded.

Thank you User .

I will try and get a note from the GP for PE.

School are more concerned that things like asking to sit alone are create boundaries to her learning .

Lots of mummy and daughter time tonight. She's sleeping with me and asked for the lights to be kept on.

She still wants to go to school tomorrow and take part in all of her out of school activities so I'll let her x

Re the suicide and self harm...
I've been there. I literally felt like I had nothing to live for and the pain inside is so bad all I could do is to cut it out of me.

So give her something to live for each day. Something tiny if needs be. I first used to worry that if I killed myself, I'd never finish writing this story I was working on. No one else could do it for me, because it was in my head so I owed it to the characters to stay alive.
If I died, I'd never finish reading a series of books I was engrossed in. I'd never find out what happened to the main character. If I could just finish the books, I'd reevaluate killing myself then.
My favourite band was due to release their next album in a few months. If I lived another few months I could kill myself while listening to it.
But by the time it was released I'd found another little thing to live for...

I know it's grim but stalling until you find a really good motivation is sometimes what you need.

Plus if you die then he wins, so there's that. Surviving and refusing to hurt yourself like he did is the best revenge because it shows he is worth so little he can't change your life.

I'm really sorry you had to go through that.

It is rather grim but again something that could be useful. 'DD,if you weren't here then who will look after the pets?' . Is that what you mean ?

Oh it's okay, I'm doing much better now, really!
Yes. That is it but even better if it's not guilt related but something she actually wants to do, eg okay you want to die but give (pet) a cuddle first. see if you can go to sleep cuddling him and then think about it all in the morning.
Otherwise she's likely to feel guilty she's a bad pet owner to abandon them and that's not fun, but 'you like (pet), spend some time with him just for right now' is a great delay and pets do make you feel better. Then when she reevaluates think of something else she likes and enjoys. One more hot chocolate, one more episode of whatever, just one more.

I didn't think about the guilt.

She's fast asleep in my bed now. I'm not sure whether I should turn the lights off now or keep them on incase she wakes ups. She usually sleeps in her own room with the lights on and with the dog so she'll be able to tell if he's coming even though she knows he won't come and that she's safe.

Keep them on!
She needs to feel safe. Having the lights on helps with that. I always have a torch under my pillow for that very purpose. If she's had a bad day she's likely to wake, and waking in the dark is not the one.

Thank you for your help RIxera. And to all of you who have been so helpful today.

I'll keep the lights on just incase she wakes up or has a nightmare .

Again thank you so much.

rixera u sound like u no ur stuff,great pointers.sorry its come from having it tough urself.keep strong hun.

mummykeep going.Uve had a big day,u must be beyond wearry.snuggle up urself now.
Don't over think urself either.ur her mum ull get it right and wrong,but ur just human.and the mist important thing is ur there,doing it alongside her.noone knows how this will go,noone has a menu or set time plan for these things,no given thing works.its so indervidual.all u can do is walk it,work it together.but dnt fear,on the darkest days there is always a smile,a cuddle a pet to seek researance from that life is good,ur good.
Don't let him win its what he wants.tell her wen self harm or hate threatens to laugh out loud and imagine smacking his face saying "YOU DO NOT GET TO BEAT ME.YOU CANNOT BEAT ME DOWN" and u too! U shout to him "you will not beat us u terrible thing u shall not have our love so u shall not have our lives" u can do this.u canxx

Thank you so much x we will get through this

I used to find a necklace with pendant useful for grounding me. Would that be something for her? Technically not allowed to wear it at school, but I had to wear shirt/tie and always wore my school scarf which hid it. But could hold it if I needed to. If you could choose something with her or something that has a meaning between the pair of you it's a reassurance to her that she's not back there, "just" a flashback.

Morning OP, I'm on my phone so not sure if link will be clicky, but there is some good information about flashbacks on this site http://www.pete-walker.com. He's written the site gearing towards therapists and then there's a book for non-therapists. The site is free though.

One of the things about flashbacks is them taking you by surprise - because you are then out of control of what is happening to you. Writing down (or keeping a mental list) of triggers is important because when you know what they are, you can a) avoid them more easily and b) if you can't avoid them, then you have a few seconds to get yourself out of view. This could be very useful for your DD if she has a pass in school. But it doesn't happen over night.

The other thing is knowing what flashbacks are, so that you - even if it's a small part - can say to yourself "This is a flashback" maybe with an expletive or two included! while it's happening. This also needs time, but it can happen and does help.

As does "this is a NORMAL reaction to abnormal things" and "I am perfectly healthy for reacting this way" (because flashbacks occur due to the body doing its job) as well as "my mind and body are protecting me". In fact, when I realised my brain was ALWAYS protecting me, it gave me a smile. This is super long - I'll post another.

There's a former psychiatrist who used to run the Harvard Trauma Centre called Bessel van der Kolk who has done a LOT of work with CPTSD. You may find it helpful to read The Body Keeps the Score. Some of it is the history of PTSD, but he talks about flashbacks and methods he's researched and found helpful with clients/patients. It would give you more of an idea of what's going on with your DD too and may help when you're looking for help for her as you'll be more informed about it all (including the issues around certain diagnoses).

Finally(!) and this relates to the body protecting itself is that we effectively have a bouncer in our brain that is on the lookout for danger and it'll jump in to protect us. If we've been through abuse (or other trauma) it's all pumped up and on the alert at all times to make sure we are ALWAYS safe. It will jump into action at times when other people's won't because it has had extra experiences. So your DD's brain heard they had to hold hands. Bouncer jumps in. First she likely dissociated in order to be able to do the hand holding against her wishes (the dissociation is the brain turning off from things too traumatic for it to handle, which bouncer says touch is - because it HAS been dangerous, as has lack of control, it's totally logical). Then it finished and the flashback started because she'd been overwhelmed. Big protective bouncer did a VERY GOOD JOB! Your DD's brain is working absolutely perfectly for her experiences. It's absolutely not weird. What would be very weird is if her brain responded like people who haven't been abused long term.

I don't know if knowing that can help her or not. It did help me.

"...the school are saying she needs to overcome some of these triggers."

The school don't get to say that. It implies that she's choosing this. She's absolutely not. The triggers will be reduced/overcome at some point, but not because she "pulls herself together" or any such nonsense. Your DD is a very brave girl and the school should be proud of her. She needs a bit of help right now, but if she'd been in a car accident and had multiple broken bones, you can bet they'd not say anything so ridiculous.

The necklace idea is great. That's something we can do together on a nice shopping trip.

Thank you for all the information on flashbacks,I didn't really know much about them before. DD hasn't been diagnosed with anything but I do wonder if she has PTSD or CPTSD after reading that information.

I agree with you Ana. She can't wake up one day and make it all go away. She'had another bad day at school so I'll keep her off tomorrow and arrange a meeting the the staff.

After yesterday,DD is a lot more sensitive to certain triggers. Today she had a teacher lean right over her when helping with her work and she just burst into tears. The school told me if she was feeling a bit emotional they would let me know but I've had no phone call. I also asked for a pass so she can have time out of a lesson if she needs to but she hasn't been given it.

I think with all the triggers and the other students asking her questions in a way that upsets her is too much much for her to handle so I will keep her off tomorrow and arrange a meeting at school.

mummy

I'm sorry to say this, but the school sounds toxic. If this was happening where I'm from I'd tell you to sue them, but I'm not sure how that would work in the U.K.

Is homeschooling an option? Or maybe some sort of voluntary medical suspension and then a different school?

Would they accept a doctor's note?

She almost certainly has cptsd, it would be very unusual for an abused child not to have that, but there's some statistic I can't remember rn that says with one supportive parent the chances of recovery are significantly higher so just focus on what is in your power for now.
I'd also look into dissociative disorders.

Agree with PP about 'the body keeps the score', fantastic book.

Poor your DD :( I find it comes in spates. I'll have a good couple of weeks, anxious buildup preceding some flashback or overwhelming recall, that will cause a week of being wobbly, I'll process the event in question, be tired for a couple of days, then good few weeks again.

The key is learning sensitivity to your triggers and how to cope during the bad spells, because they won't go on forever, and each one teaches you something vital.

Def arrange meeting, the school clearly isn't getting it and in this day and age they really should be more aware.

I'm not sure how keeping her off school will works.im waiting for a call back from the GP about a note for PE so I will discuss keeping her out of school.

What do you mean by a voluntary medical suspension?