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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DDs voices

144 replies

MummyEire · 04/01/2017 13:11

Posting on here for traffic

I have posted before about Dd and self harming and some background information about bereavement,school changes,abuse and you were all so helpful so thank you flowers
I don't know how to link but here is my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2801692-To-think-my-DD-needs-help

DD went back to school yesterday after a lovely Christmas holiday together planning all sorts of adventures for the new year .

She's been sent home early from school today because she was absolutely hysterical and they couldn't calm her down. In the middle of a lesson she's burst out crying saying 'he's touching me ,tell him to stop,tell him to stop talking' . Her teacher said she was shaking,struggling to breathe whilst crying and pastoral staff couldn't calm her down. When they tried to help her stand up and get out the lesson she started fight back and scream, (She can't stand people touching her) so the class had to move into another classroom

She refuses to engage with counsellors/services to a point where she won't say a word in the sessions . I don't know how to handle today's situation. Do I talk to her about this today or let her rest?

OP posts:

TheSparrowhawk · 04/01/2017 14:43

Reading your post about what triggered the last flashback, I wouldn't send her back to school until you get very strong assurances from them that they're not going to force her to participate in something triggering again. Assholes.

Original poster

MummyEire · 04/01/2017 14:46

I believe her 100% even if this man didn't admit to me what he done I would of still believed her. What he's done has changed my dd so much.
I think what hurts her most is that she loves her extended family but they do not believe her. We have cut them off now ,even the cousins of similar age that she still wishes to see have been cut off because they tell her she's messed up and lying.

I've told her so many times that I am sorry for not protecting her from this and that it's not her fault. She's heard me shout about how much I hate this person. I don't want her to feel like she can't talk to me about it though incase it makes me upset .

OP posts:

Original poster

MummyEire · 04/01/2017 14:48

Thank you auntumnal it really is heartbreaking to see her like this. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all okay

OP posts:

1horatio · 04/01/2017 14:51

I just read your other thread. I'm not sure what to say.

It's important for her to know that you believe her, trust her and will make sure that she won't ever be near him again and that you will protect her.

Just today I fell down the stairs with DD (5 months) in my arm. It was just 3 steps but I somehow threw myself backwards to shield her and absorbed everything with my arse and back (ouch. The whole left part is blue violet now and I was screaming. Loudly.). Anyhow. I didn't even think about using an arm to bolster the fall. I'm still kind of shaken because of it (something could have happen to DD!!). What I mean to say is, that until I became a mother I couldn't understand how much my mother must love me. And how she would have protected me. Like, how I didn't even think to bolster the fall but just somehow leaned back and curled up around DD.

So, I think it's important that your daughter knows that she is your priority and that you'll do anything for her. Upset other family members, go to court, speak with the school... that she isn't a burden.

1horatio · 04/01/2017 14:52

And the school should not have forced her to do something like this. That's awful!

Have you talked to them (Sternly)? What did they say?

Original poster

MummyEire · 04/01/2017 15:10

I've made it clear to her that if we ever find ourselves in a situation where we are near him (I'm not going to let that happen) then the police will be called.

I did speak to the school though I think I needed to be more stern. I was told that they will help to avoid any possible triggers by letting her teachers know what sets her off but not why. The teacher also apologised for today but the school are saying she needs to overcome some of these triggers.

OP posts:

Rixera · 04/01/2017 15:11

That exercise sounds hellish, maybe they will have learnt from her reaction not to push...

Tbh part of me never wanted to go to counselling or talk about it because 'everyone will think I'm a weirdo' and 'counsellors just ask how you feel in a stupid voice'.

Age appropriate concerns tbh... So normalising the experience of counselling helps, as well as the pragmatic aspects which will be something she wants, while not minimising what she went through. 'everyone gets stressed and could do with some counselling to get through it, especially like at exam times when the school counsellors get really busy. So of course with all the added stress you have to deal with, it would help you even more to see them sometimes. They are just there to help you learn how to calm down so you don't have breakdowns in class any more. You are not a weirdo for thinking/doing things, it's a normal response to the situation, like it says in x book (because books are easier to read privately so if she's a reader, getting her to read books on recovering might help first.)'

myoriginal3 · 04/01/2017 15:12

What miahayek has said is what I wanted to say.

I'm a lot lot older than your Dd and the following things have set me off:

Calm down
Men with beards
Men
Footsteps behind me
Loud noises
The sound of crutches
The mention of the area it happened
The paralympics
Women who disbelieve me
Being told that I will have to get over it
Being questioned about it
People standing behind me in a queue
Crowds
Groups of men
Talking about it
Men on here wanting sex
My family not wanting to talk about it

Some of these things have sent me into an uncontrollable rage. Sometimes police have sat with me for hours until I was back to normal.

You need to understand that your Dd cannot at this point control what will trigger her.

You really need to shut the entire cohort completely out of YOUR LIFE. Not just dds

myoriginal3 · 04/01/2017 15:14

You are condoning it and betraying her. Sorry to be harsh.

myoriginal3 · 04/01/2017 15:16

Why can't you tell the school why? Is your Dd to be ashamed of? Cover it all up?

myoriginal3 · 04/01/2017 15:21

Have YOU told the professionals WHY she behaves like this?.

Let me guess. You've described her behaviour but omitted The great big elephant ie that she has been abused for 10 years.

myoriginal3 · 04/01/2017 15:23

She can't be helped until you tell the truth. How can she discuss what is troubling her when you don't allow her to

1horatio · 04/01/2017 15:28

You have to make a list of all her triggers (the ones she currently knows...) and give it to the school. And tell them that she can't control how she reacts (well, maybe tell them that she isn't a danger to others) and that they should call you ASAP if she is triggered. They need to know these things.

Teachers need to know and respect these things (they don't need to know any details, however. Her teachers do not need to know wha happened. Telling them would be abusing DD's trust imo.)

None of these people should be in your life. You need to make a new life for you and your daughter. New friends, new community, maybe a new gp etc.

Good luck.

1horatio · 04/01/2017 15:30

The school does not need to know what happened. That's blusshit,

Give them a long list with trigger warning and they should be able to guess anyway.

A psychiatrist's note might be helpful as well?

However, ifnyiur DD does not want them to know what happened then the teachers don't need to know.

There are many reasons why the teachers should not know, btw.

myoriginal3 · 04/01/2017 15:34

Can you list those reasons horatio?

Original poster

MummyEire · 04/01/2017 15:36

The pastoral team at school know why,other preofessionals know why. What I meant was that there will be an email going out to her teachers to explain triggers . The email won't be telling the teachers why she has the triggers (only the pastoral and senior staff know why). DD doesn't want her teachers to know why because she feels like they will act differently towards her in class.

OP posts:

myoriginal3 · 04/01/2017 15:40

What about counsellors, gp? Those you claim state it's normal teenage behaviour?

Original poster

MummyEire · 04/01/2017 15:43

They know as well. I've been told self harming is common amongst teenagers,especially with social media even after explaining.
The school have made referrals about sexual abuse too so the professionals do know.

OP posts:

myoriginal3 · 04/01/2017 15:43

Self harming from the age of ten is not normal behaviour. No professional knowing the truth would claim it was either.

You are betraying your daughter to save face. Your face. Not hers. Not her quality of life now. Not her quality of life in the future. Just yours.

myoriginal3 · 04/01/2017 15:44

Stop lying.

Original poster

MummyEire · 04/01/2017 15:46

A counsellor did come into her primary school about the self harming. We had that down to bullying and bereavement and I believed for a while that she was better. It was only later on that I found out that she was being abused

OP posts:

1horatio · 04/01/2017 15:47

Lost my comment, shit,

Yes, I can. The reasons why I think the teachers don't need to know, which you seem to disagree with, judging from your previous comment or why I think there are reasons the teachers shouldn't know?

Rixera · 04/01/2017 15:47

I don't think OP really needs attacking in this circumstance?
No one knows how to deal with this without being helped... Surely rather than insults guidance would be better?

And idk myoriginal I think there's a lot of projection going on here

1horatio · 04/01/2017 15:48

My point is that your daughters therapist needs to know.

Not her teacher. Especially not when she does not want them to.

Rixera · 04/01/2017 15:49

Plus privacy and controlling who knows and who doesn't gives the girl in question boundaries. Not to mention the whole feeling like a weirdo thing. I would have hated everyone in my school knowing, especially without me deciding who knows and who doesn't.

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