How do I stop this unhealthy relationship with helpful but 'out of touch' dad.

[malificent7]

Put this in relationships but reposted here for traffic.

I do love my dad and I don't want to go nc but the dynamics between us just isn't healthy and hasn't been for a long time.
My dad has always been super careful with money to the point of being tight. I remember he had a lot of rows with my mum about cash as I was growing up as she was bipolar and this meant she went on the occasional binge. I felt she was controlled a bit.
When my mum was bullied out of her job my dad gave her a really hard time as he was loosing a wage. She later found out that he had a lot of savings squirreled away.
I'm a bit like my mum in that I am not great with money. I do try and be careful but I think all of the penny pinching/financial times obsessing/ obsession with me getting a job as a doctor or lawyer/ lack of awareness of what made a young girl happy eg;nice clothes etc made me rebel.

So now I am a single mum with a low paid job. I trained as a teacher but the stress made me mentally ill and I was bullied out of a good role in a private school. I have settled for being a Teaching Assistant.

It has been so hard to secure a permanent contract as I have been on supply. This has made it very hard to budget. I have also been hammered for child care. Dad kept making digs that I didn't have a permanent job. Finally I have got a fixed term contract that will probably lead onto a permanent role. Dad is finally happy-ish.

Over Christmas my freezer broke and dad kindly offered to buy me a new one despite me telling him I would buy on credit. I am very grateful.
However, I have also been hammered for an unexpected council tax bill. I asked if I could borrow £20 for petrol and he went off in a tantrum saying that he has already lent me £400 (for the fridge/freezer.)

I have now told him I will pay him back for the freezer as I don't want the emotional blackmail. The thing is , he is absolutely loaded. He did work and save hard but he had a very well paid job as a teacher in the private sector. He loved teaching and he just does not get why I can't hack it.

I just think he is disappointed. My sister is a successful psychiatrist and has married a rich man so he doesn't get why I am so skint. He thinks that benefits are a huge amount. I had to overcome significant mental health issues (eating disorder/ domestic violent issues) to get this far. It is a miracle that I am even employed.

He tells me I should always have a pot of £300 in case of emergencies like the freezer and does not get it at all that I just cannot save.

On the plus side of all this, I have no credit cards or loans so no debts but I am never going to be good enough am I as I'm not rich.

Apparently I am putting him under a lot of pressure. How do I stop relying on my dad.?.he is the only family I have really. it just feels like a shame but I don't want to rely on him any more.

The thing is he is great with dd and she loves him. He normally takes us to Cornwall every year for a break which dd loves and looks forward to. However, as we have not been getting on great and snipe at each other, I am reluctant to keep going on this holiday. I feel trapped in this dynamic.

[Plifner]

If you budgeted monthly for the council tax, then have you paid the lump sum? So you can take a couple of months tax out of your budget?

[mydogmymate]

Whilst I have all the sympathy in the world for the OP, it's very stressful being in debt. Utilise all the help that's out there, check you're receiving all the benefits that you're entitled to and avoid credit like the plague.
That worked for me anyway!

[ClarissaDarling]

Why have CT taken 3 months? Does this mean you'll have 2 months where you don't have to pay anything?

[mydogmymate]

And marynary, that is good sound advice and what I meant to say

[malificent7]

The thing is clothes and shoes ARE an essential... I buy mine from Lidls and Primark, occasionally New Look or a charity shop.
DD grows so fast and needs clothes. This notion that clothes and shoes are a luxury is weird....we can't waks around naked and we have to dress smart for work.

[RebelRogue]

This is the reality of being a single mum in a breadline job!

This is very true. I have a few friends that scrimp and save,go without food their kid can eat,don't replace stuff because there's no money etc. With no help whatsoever from their parents. And they don't moan about that.
Also some of them at very low times in their lives had unnecessary spendings,something to list up their spirits. You know who they are angry at? Themselves! Not mum,not dad,not the next door neighbour.

The issue is not that you're struggling ,or that you're poor,and i think you did really well to go and get a job after struggling with your mental health and being bullied. The issue is that you expect help,you demand help,and hold everyone responsible except yourself.

[Otherpeoplesteens]

malificent7 I've just read my post and it comes across as a bit harsh comparing two obviously different situations. It's not really about the credit. It's about protecting people from themselves, and in the case of my friend his parents and I had to do it for him because it wouldn't have happened otherwise.

If you succeed in getting things under control with the liabilities at hand and resources at your disposal, that would be wonderful. If you can't (and it sounds like you can't) then your Dad is going to have to be very cruel to you to be kind, which is what you've asked for here.

It is about eight years since I sacrificed my relationship with my best friend for his own benefit. It still kills me, but I remain certain I did the right thing for him.

[DistanceCall]

OP, I too remember your previous threads. I say this in all kindness - I think you should talk to a therapist who can help you. It's obvious that you do your best and love them very much, but you sound very immature in your relationships with your father, your partner, and your daughter - a bit as if you are always placing yourself in the position of a little girl yourself, not that of an adult.

I think that talking therapy could be really helpful. Best of luck.

[user1480946351]

I think you need a change of perspective. Instead of poor little you (and your mother) so bad with money, and him being so controlling by paying for your stuff and lending you money, and trying to get you to be a grown up by getting a decent job, how about you look at it from his point of view?

[user1480946351]

It must be hard living with his critical voice - when parents are so negative, most children internalise it to some extent. You deserve a huge pat on the back for getting as far as you have in terms of putting your life back together, and I really hope things will look up for you from here. I think that freeing yourself from voices that are negative and critical is a really important part of that process

This is the worst kind of pandering to a victim mentality and is the absolute LAST thing the OP needs to hear!
I also remember the "my dad should have given me the deposit for a house I couldn't possibly have bought anyway" thread of the OP's.

[Streuth]

OP, if you are still there ...?

1. Yes, babyboomers can have a certain "attitude". It is a bit infuriating when they have done so well through chance really!
   

1. I would just stop borrowing from your father full stop. Let him take you and your DC on holiday yes. If he offers (and this is very important) feel free to accept holidays or if he wants to pay for a meal etc. But never ask for money is my advice. Money given grudgingly doesn't feel great. You will feel much more psychologically free and independent (even if a little poorer).

[Blueskyrain]

I'm confused. Elsewhere you've said that you're hammered for childcare, but your daughter is 8 and you work as a TA, so have holidays off.

Also, you talk about clothing being essential, whichit is, but have also (previously) just before Christmas mentioned that you have a longstanding shopping habit and asking about controlling it.

Have you actually been diagnosed with bipolar, you say that your mum has it, but you don't say about you?

[malificent7]

Im hammered for childcare as i leave home at 7. 30 and get home at 5. 30... commute. She does the svhool run.

I DO have a decent job btw... it just disnt pay very well. What do you propose i do for a living!????

[malificent7]

Cm does school run... it adds up to a lot!

[scaryclown]

Heres my constructive advice simplified.

1. set up a basic bank account. .that you can't be overdrawn on..eg cov building soc( £5 if d/d fails rather than £90 at lloyds) or other.
   
2. contact Christians Against Poverty (don't worry not a conversion service) and get them to assess income, expenditure and prioritise debts.
   
3. they will handle creditors etc including council tax
   
4. each month, take out CASH for food, leisure and and non d/d bills. Put into pots and ONLY spend cash.until gone, then no more
   

5.WHEN NEXT PAY COMES IN only then put 'spare' cash to savings.

1. ditch use of debit cards etc but if you keep one going for online paymemts..only put what you can afford into that account and spend only wjen you know its ok. dont take it with you when you go out.
   
2. Eat breakfast lunch and evening meal from stuff in the house. food and coffee put gives away loads.
   
3. plan a 'relax' day every couple of months where you dont worry if you spend £100 or so doing something ..if you can afford it..if you can't. .get some impulse nice easy food from supermarket eg luxury pizza or picnic so that its luxury but you also cover food for the day...
   
4. with dad. good to not rely.

[GloriaGaynor]

OP, you're very, very lucky to have your dad. There are a lot of single parents in your position financially, who don't have anyone to lend them money, with or without grumbles. He obviously loves you very much to continue his frustrating role.

He's not stopping you from growing up - you are, by seeing yourself as a victim.

The way to change your relationship dynamic with him is to grow up and take responsibilty for yourself. If you did he would be over the moon.

It he questions Lidl - just tell him it's a perfectly good supemarket and cheaper than other chains.

[ShinyMoonFace]

Tell him to go to Lidl. He'll be converted. (I was - big time!)

And I agree... you DO seem to see yourself as a victim. Being a TA is not (by your own admission) paying you enough, or challenging you sufficiently. Can you go seek work as a teacher, as you are actually qualified?

[Aki23]

Why not ask your dad to constructively educate you on money managing - my dad taught me from very young and its worked. You can also educate him on how good lidl meat and veg is (Tesco is dire in comparison). There is no shame in buying good quality low price!!

[876TaylorMade]

When entitled children grow into entitled adults...

Grow up... get help and sort yourself out and stop blaming you father.

It's his money... he can do with it what he pleases and that includes not pandering to you. Even if he earned it in a time when it was relatively easy... pretty sure he worked hard for it.

My mum was a single parent to 8 children... she worked... budgeted and got us all through. And we all went to uni and are in good places in life.

Grow up!

[redexpat]

In the nicest possible way, it is time to stop navel gazing and take control. It doesnt really matter what your fathers attitude to meney is, it doesnt change the situation that youre in now.

So first check that you are getting all the tax credits etc that you are entitled to.

Short term how can you increase your income? I would say tutoring and or exam marking. Any good quality stuff you can sell?

Would teaching pt be an option? Better pay than a TA, potentially less stressful.
If not and you do want to retrain start researching what funding is available.

Reduce outgoings. Dont buy anything unneccessary. Also check that you are getting the best deal on all utilities etc Ring the council tax people and ask if you can go back to monthly payments.

Sorry if any of that seems obvious.
Have a look on MSE and the money saving threads on mn.

[GloriaGaynor]

She did work as a teacher but she found it very stressful, and got bullied by the students. (I recall her other thread) She's clearly not cut out for that role.

[GloriaGaynor]

That was to ShinyMoon

[ShinyMoonFace]

private tutoring as well then?

[ShinyMoonFace]

Oh no, I knew she had said she had been bullied, Gloria I was just thinking if she is going to embark on a proactive future etc she might look to teaching in other schools etc.

My entire family are teachers so I do not underestimate how stressful it can be, but the OP needs to help herself a bit really.

[corythatwas]

Re things like clothes shopping- surely you don't need to do that for yourself very often to stay smart enough to be a TA? I appreciate that an 8yo is going to grow out of her clothes, but if you look after yours, they should last a long time. Yes, clothes are essentials, but for an adult in a low-profile job, they can be a very long-lasting essential.

I'm wondering if the essentials argument isn't also one you use to cover up for using shopping as therapy, and if there might not be something you could do about this need.

BabyDubs gives a useful insight into how she manages the highs of her bipolar- might there be something you could work out that would do the same for you?