How do I stop this unhealthy relationship with helpful but 'out of touch' dad.

[malificent7]

Put this in relationships but reposted here for traffic.

I do love my dad and I don't want to go nc but the dynamics between us just isn't healthy and hasn't been for a long time.
My dad has always been super careful with money to the point of being tight. I remember he had a lot of rows with my mum about cash as I was growing up as she was bipolar and this meant she went on the occasional binge. I felt she was controlled a bit.
When my mum was bullied out of her job my dad gave her a really hard time as he was loosing a wage. She later found out that he had a lot of savings squirreled away.
I'm a bit like my mum in that I am not great with money. I do try and be careful but I think all of the penny pinching/financial times obsessing/ obsession with me getting a job as a doctor or lawyer/ lack of awareness of what made a young girl happy eg;nice clothes etc made me rebel.

So now I am a single mum with a low paid job. I trained as a teacher but the stress made me mentally ill and I was bullied out of a good role in a private school. I have settled for being a Teaching Assistant.

It has been so hard to secure a permanent contract as I have been on supply. This has made it very hard to budget. I have also been hammered for child care. Dad kept making digs that I didn't have a permanent job. Finally I have got a fixed term contract that will probably lead onto a permanent role. Dad is finally happy-ish.

Over Christmas my freezer broke and dad kindly offered to buy me a new one despite me telling him I would buy on credit. I am very grateful.
However, I have also been hammered for an unexpected council tax bill. I asked if I could borrow £20 for petrol and he went off in a tantrum saying that he has already lent me £400 (for the fridge/freezer.)

I have now told him I will pay him back for the freezer as I don't want the emotional blackmail. The thing is , he is absolutely loaded. He did work and save hard but he had a very well paid job as a teacher in the private sector. He loved teaching and he just does not get why I can't hack it.

I just think he is disappointed. My sister is a successful psychiatrist and has married a rich man so he doesn't get why I am so skint. He thinks that benefits are a huge amount. I had to overcome significant mental health issues (eating disorder/ domestic violent issues) to get this far. It is a miracle that I am even employed.

He tells me I should always have a pot of £300 in case of emergencies like the freezer and does not get it at all that I just cannot save.

On the plus side of all this, I have no credit cards or loans so no debts but I am never going to be good enough am I as I'm not rich.

Apparently I am putting him under a lot of pressure. How do I stop relying on my dad.?.he is the only family I have really. it just feels like a shame but I don't want to rely on him any more.

The thing is he is great with dd and she loves him. He normally takes us to Cornwall every year for a break which dd loves and looks forward to. However, as we have not been getting on great and snipe at each other, I am reluctant to keep going on this holiday. I feel trapped in this dynamic.

[DotForShort]

I have a relative who was married to a man with bipolar disorder. He was quite wealthy, never had to work a day in his life. In his manic phases, he blew through a horrendous amount of money. My relative took control of the finances to the extent that she could (and actually, I think she should have done so much earlier). In her case, it was not a question of financially abusing her husband but of protecting him/the family from the consequences of his illness. Perhaps your dad had a similar situation with your mother? And perhaps he worries about you in the same way, especially since you have already spent a large inheritance in a relatively short period of time.

I think you have received some good advice on this thread. I would certainly look into contacting Christians Against Poverty or a similar organisation for advice on prioritising spending. I would also avoid borrowing any money at all from your dad. At this point, your relationship still seems stuck at the irresponsible teenager/disapproving but indulgent dad stage. He feels entitled to comment on your finances because you have opened the door to him. Close that door firmly.

[Atenco]

This is the reality of being a single mum in a breadline job!

I think you are quite right to avoid credit cards, I had one once and never again.

I gather from your thread that you pay your father's loans back. So are actually not doing very badly.

But I do think borrowing can become a vicious circle.

I used to have a neighbour who would borrow from me on Monday and pay me back on Thursday without fail. If she could have stretched her money to Tuesday one week and Wednesday the next, she would have got out of the need to borrow altogether. In the end she was paying out the same amount of money. And of course it is even worse if the borrower has to pay interest rates.

So, personally, I don't think it will be that hard for you to change around your finances.

[malificent7]

I've already said I can't teach.... It makes me ill and I can't do a 60 hour week. Anyone else tried it? Many are leaving teaching and with good reason.
The advice on here is good but does anyone dishing out the advice work full time on here? I'm only on mumsnet as I had to come home from work as dd is ill! Do the rest of you have a dp to help with bills. I have a dp but he has his own bills and dd to pay for!

I'm not a victim as such but it has taken me about 2 years of job hunting and many interviews to get a fairly long term role (including teaching interviews.)

It really isn't as simple as just getting a job (no matter what the baby boomers think.) I also did tutor on the side but get home so late that I can't do that now.

[lougle]

Did you read the bit about YNAB?

[RebelRogue]

Op do you honestly believe there is no one else struggling like you are? Commute,work full time,kids and no actual money at the end of the month? Oh and no parents to help either. This is the victim mentality talking. There are thousands of people just like you and thousands more in even worse positions. But no your dad is u fair,the world is unfair,this is only happening to you and no one gets it. Sure.

[Iggi999]

How would the income from a couple of days doing supply teaching each week comare to the income of the TA role full time? Just wondering if the teaching might be bearable if it was interspaced with more time at home.

[TheOnlyColditz]

Maleficent

Firstly, filter out the criticisers. Not because you shouldn't be criticised, but because it isn't remotely helpful. Not many people on this thread have offered real advice to the dilemma you are having. Too many people are offering the advice "Stop being ill, and then you'll be well!". These people lack insight and life experience and can be safely ignored. Ditto the people who are proclaiming "Well, if you'd just stop being so poor, you'd have more money! Silly woman!". Ignore also.

Secondly, your relationship with your dad is perpetuated by your need to borrow money. He obviously doesn't feel comfortable lending you money, and it obviously worries him, so stop borrowing completely. Your relationship with your father needs to be a non-financial one, as money comes with criticism and you can't cope with ignorant criticism piled upon poverty misery.

Thirdly - lock down. Sit and do a very detailed analysis of your income, your essential outgoings, and realistic projected outgoings. For the next six months, buy NOTHING that isn't replacing something edible, broken, or outgrown. Open a separate bank account, route your child benefit into it, and destroy the card.

Finally, credit unions are a safe way to borrow money that doesn't come with emotional baggage.

[Dragongirl10]

Ok so you have had the benefit of a good private education but cannot get a better paid job....

Your dad pays for an annual holiday and supported you, gave you a place to live, when DD was born, also occasionally helps you financially since......

You spent your substantial inheritance and are now struggling......

You dislike your dad because he criticises your choices and is tight.....

Well you have had much more opportunity than most people to be financially secure, your dad is allowed to be as tight fisted as he likes with HIS earned money, although he is not too tightfisted to help you now or to pay expensive school fees in the past for you.

Have you not stopped to consider it was his 'tight' money management that put you through private school, kept a roof over you and DD's head and bails you out now?

You seem very selfish and entitled and make excuses for all that you don't have, yet you have been bailed out constantly!

If you want more money find a way to get a better job, learn money management, GROW UP and stop complaining.

[Fallonjamie]

Yes you're the only single Mother in the world working full time.

[corythatwas]

Colditz' advice is good: total freeze on any borrowing and any spending that is not directly required by things getting eaten/broken/grown out of. If you find you are buying things to distract yourself from mental pain and/or when you are on a high, see if you can come up with a plan beforehand to deal with those feelings that do not involve spending.

[Blueskyrain]

If you get home at 5.30, it's certainly not to late to do tutoring!!!

[Blueskyrain]

Have your actually been diagnosed with bipolar?

[Benedikte2]

The OP asked for constructive advice not to be torn to shreds for not meeting the individual standards of all the posters. It is healthy to vent ones frustrations and sometimes it's not appropriate to do so the friends or relations in RL and sometimes there is no- one an OP can confide in.
OP you have fallen into habit of relying on your father as rescuer, which is understandable considering your history but it sounds as if you now want to change your situation because it comes at too high a price. However, you might find your father secretly enjoys his role of rescuer, while expressing his dissatisfaction with your financial situation.
Can you go to CAB or a similar agency in you town for budgeting advice? It's easier to do this with people you don't know. They might also have useful tips about saving money etc. Tell them you would like to retrain and they may be able to refer you for practical career advice.
Meanwhile give yourself a pat on the back for being in paid employment. How old is your DD ? You maybe need to take her age into account when planning a future career as your current job fits in with her care better than most jobs.
Good luck

[Blueskyrain]

There's no need for swearing. Some of the things the OP says make no sense.

Re the bipolar, she's never mentioned having it, only that her mum has it. Its useful background to know if she has it.

[TheOnlyColditz]

There's no need to make a calculated attack on the OP's metal health either, so it would be nice if you stopped.

[Blueskyrain]

She says things that doesn't make sense and seems to blame everyone but herself for everything. Yes, she needs help, but to get that she needs to be honest with herself. We also need to know whether her sprees are because of illness or not, hence me asking about the bipolar. She's often mentioned her mother having it, but never that she has it, except for vague mentions of it on here. I'm not attacking her metal health by asking the simple question of whether she's been diagnosed with bipolar. Its important for this situation.

[Marynary]

I agree that it would be a good idea to join a credit union to avoid ever having to borrow money from your father. You will feel a lot better if you don't have to ask him for help and he won't get the chance to be so critical.

[malificent7]

As the title of this thread suggests, I am not blaming everyone else but myself. I am stuck in this unhealthy dynamic with my dad. As the dynamic involves myself as well as my dad, I take my share of the blame. I just don't know how to get out of it...it makes me unhappy.

Blueskyrain...I could do tutoring then..I used to do tutoring in fact but dd needs to see me sometimes you know. PLus, my childminder finishes work at 5z.30. As I am hoping to rely on dad less, it would not be fair to expect dad to look after dd.

I'm shocked at the number of people who see being a TA as a lowly job just because it's paid badly. I bet many of the critics have never taught nor would touch it with a 10 foot barge pole!

[malificent7]

5.30 sorry!

[malificent7]

This thread has made me realise that it is only considered to give up a career for a more child friendly job if you have the financial luxury.
And a good private school education does not guarantee a good job. I know lots of ex private school kids who do 'normal' , low paid job.
My best mate and my dp went to my posh school, we all have good degrees but we are all in shite jobs. We also have families and have sacrificed lucrative careers for family friendly work.

[HelenaDove]

" what would have been wrong with buying a second hand one for £50"


And when it breaks with no warranty on it the OP should keep forking out for second hand ones? Bloody stupid.

[malificent7]

Also, my dad moaned when I did supply teaching as the contracts are very insecure... he's much happier now I'm in a lower paid but more secure job.

[NoraDora]

530 is not too late for tutoring.

Again you are full of excuses and accepting little responsibility for your actions. You haven't even answered the budget stuff.

Further reading it seems you have had plenty of chances to be financially independent.

Why is your commute so long?

[malificent7]

When did I say in my op that the situation is unfair???
I was having a moan as I don't like this dynamic and I want to change it!