Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not apologise for being me

150 replies

AtSea1979 · 04/01/2017 11:37

My DF told me I had anger management issues, in relation to my DC, because I yelled at my boss who has been bullying me. I wasn't personal or abusive just frustrated and raised my voice whilst still maintaining my point (to my boss). I then yelled at my dad I don't have anger problems I'm just at breaking point with work. To which he replied "see, you are even shouting at me now" I said yes because you know the pressure I'm under and you are accusing me of things that aren't true and have serious implications when you have DCs. He said I was being ridiculous so I said ok let's ring my social worker and tell them I have anger issues and see whether they think it's serious. He refused to see my point of view so I told him that unless he changes his POV about me then we are done. Now I'm home and sobbing and wish I could articulate how hurt I feel that my own DF implied I have anger issues in regards to my DC.

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 04/01/2017 17:44

Tell your father how you feel. If you want to get all your views across without an interruption or him having his say, then write a letter. Then allow him to also get his view across.

Personally, I'd apologise to him for shouting.

Everyone has different takes on things. It doesn't necessarily mean one or either party are wrong? Sometimes it's about finding the middle ground.

From an outsider looking in, I don't think your father would have made such a statement if he wasn't concerned? I don't think you would of reacted the way you did if what he'd said hadn't hit a nerve...that's my take on things.

kali110 · 04/01/2017 17:45

I won't say you overeacted at your boss, having been bullied every single day by a boss i can see how you may have lost your temper, there were times i felt like shouting myself.
I think you've massively overeacted to your df though.
It sounds like he is worried about you, don't cut him out.
Getwork sorted, report the bullying or leave, as it really is soul destroying! Flowers

AtSea1979 · 04/01/2017 18:18

On reflection I guess I just wanted my dads support, without judgement. He waited until I was crying then said he thinks I have a problem. I was at rock bottom and I didn't need him to make out my DC aren't getting a good parent because of issues at work. It felt like another kick. I told him that if he honestly believes that I would hurt DC because I yelled at my boss then we are done.

OP posts:
bumblebee50 · 04/01/2017 18:38

Does everyone not realise that we all say things in anger we don't particularly mean, including OP's DF? None of us are perfect and we certainly don''t all go through our life never raising our voice. OP I think you have gone through a period of extreme stress - can you tell us why you have a SW?

Miserylovescompany2 · 04/01/2017 18:47

On the flip side, if he'd made the remark whilst you weren't upset, would he not of turned your ok mood into you being upset?

...it's a no win situation. He obviously felt the need to say something. I don't necessarily thinks its a deal breaker if your points of view don't marry up.

Why does it have to be all or nothing?

Fallonjamie · 04/01/2017 19:04

Given everything you've posted about going through over the last few years, I think your Dad is probably just worried about you.

user1480946351 · 04/01/2017 19:06

He waited until I was crying then said he thinks I have a problem. I was at rock bottom and I didn't need him to make out my DC aren't getting a good parent because of issues at work. It felt like another kick

But you don't seem able in the slightest to ask if you do have a problem?
If my nearest and dearest suggested I had an anger management problem, I#d be asking myself why they would say such a thing. They aren't mean or malicious, so the best answer is that I am displaying signs of a problem.
And from what you have said, you were. Stop pretending you have done nothing to concern people, you clearly have.

Facts: You screamed and yelled at your boss, in a professional environment.
You screamed and yelled at your dad, in the home environment.
You think you are entirely justified for both and don't appear remorseful.
You have SW involvement already.
Clearly there is cause for concern. Maybe its time to engage with people instead of fighting them?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 04/01/2017 19:10

I have had many wanky bosses over the years but I have never yelled at them. Like pp have said, the fact that you yelled at your boss, your DF and you have social services involved doesn't paint a very good picture

And your posts are incredibly aggressive

bumblebee50 · 04/01/2017 19:20

No wonder the OP's posts are becoming defensive and slightly aggressive - she is taking a torrent of abuse.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 04/01/2017 19:25

Abuse?

Throwing round accusations like that undermines genuine abuse.

user1480946351 · 04/01/2017 19:33

No wonder the OP's posts are becoming defensive and slightly aggressive - she is taking a torrent of abuse

They were aggressive from the OP, which is the point. And she's not gettin any abuse, just a more accurate reading of her situation.

Waltermittythesequel · 04/01/2017 19:42

Where is the abuse?

EvieSparkles0x · 04/01/2017 19:50

Atsea your last post is much more understandable. Really hope things get better for you at work and at home, and when you get some time for yourself I really would recommend looking on the internet for support, even self help stuff! I had a look at some of your other posts and you have been through a lot.

Look after yourself and be kind to yourself so you can pass that strength and self love and respect onto your children Flowers

NavyandWhite · 04/01/2017 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BIgBagofJelly · 04/01/2017 19:59

I can totally believe that your dad was tactless in his approach and his timing, what you appear to be saying happened though is that as a result of this you totally lost control and threatened to cut off an otherwise supportive parent.

Your posts strongly suggest that you're struggling to cope. This doesn't make you a terrible person or a terrible parent. You're clearly under stress at work and no doubt have other stresses in your life. However as a result of the stress you're under it does sound like you're not acting in a way that's most likely to help yourself.

Even if your boss is bullying you (which is an absolutely awful situation to be in) shouting and crying is unlikely to help. If your dad believes you have anger issues and you want to convince him you don't, clearly the best way to do so would be to calmly engage him and explain that the outburst at work was an isolated incident.

Rather than acting defensively towards your DF could you explain to him that while you're under enormous pressure at the moment you're in control of your emotions around your children. Could you ask him to support you in any way you feel would be useful - practical help with the kids? Provide a sounding board for your work issues or whatever might be helpful for you.

scaryclown · 04/01/2017 23:51

Balls.

What he means is 'Be Quiet' and 'I am scared of emotion'

My Italian friend's family would have all passionately argued their viewpoints with arm gestures shouting and crying and not be freaked out at all.

I RECOMMEND shouting at office bullies saying 'it stops now' to conclude. the twice i've done that i had to explain to higher up managers and said 'when i'm polite abput bullying it continues, now i demand it stops. it works,sadly' and was kept on.

Bully bosses don't deserve good staff anyway so the universe wins if it goes tits up.

Tell him he either matches your passion on this or stfu. i wpuld be completely scathing of someone labelling 'caring about an issue thats shit' as a psychological disorder..thats in the 'slaves shut up or get drugged silent' arena.

user1480946351 · 05/01/2017 00:00

What he means is 'Be Quiet' and 'I am scared of emotion

Utter bullshit. You have zero basis for that statement (other than your own issues)

scaryclown · 05/01/2017 00:50

Thanks user, MAU.

MrsLupo · 05/01/2017 01:09

Sounds like you've got plenty to be angry about OP. Your boss has been bullying you for a long time and now you've finally stood up for yourself, she's trying to gaslight you. Meanwhile, your own parent can't be supportive? I'd be doing a bit of yelling and crying too. I hope things get better at work and that your DF has the grace to apologise for his crappy response to your distress. I'm guessing from your reaction that this isn't the first time you've felt unsupported.

And as for all the people trying to prise information out of the OP about why she has a social worker, well, shame on you. Perhaps it's identifying, perhaps it's upsetting, perhaps it's just private. She says it's not relevant so let's respect that.

ILoveAntButHateDec · 05/01/2017 01:16

Well I'm totally confused! Think Ill go to bed and see what else happens in the morning

GinIsIn · 05/01/2017 04:16

MrsLupo with respect, she didn't say it wasn't relevant. She said it wasn't to do with work. Not the same thing at all.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 05/01/2017 05:02

You're never going to get gentle supportive posts when you post in AIBU with no actual facts or context, clearly very angry and drip feeding highly dramatic one liners.

Now, of you want more supportive posts I'd suggest posting in a different section and explain the contact of a lot of this stuff. If I read something like 'I'm so upset, Ive been bullied at work for x months and I've finally snapped, & I can't take it anymore', that would create a completely different picture that people could empathize with. Or 'just had an argument with my father, so upset and I could have done with his support' that also would've so much better

Your posts were so fraught with anger and upset, that it was impossible to know what kind of dramatic and serious situation might be unfolding, from posts that were 'I'm raging, my father says my anger is effecting the children, I'm still raging and I have a sw (randomly thrown into the post) that seems to be relevant to my anger and my children' then 'my father is coming to take my children away (from me)'

You can feel anger without having an anger problem. And losing control like that can be a sign that you've dismissed and held back anger for too long, rather than that you are a very angry person generally. If we learn how to show respect and care for ourselves then anger can be seen as a positive emotion which is a spur to prompt action, rather than something out of control and big and scary. So I'd also suggest looking at areas of your life where you are being pushed beyond your endurance, and see if you can resolve those areas before you explode with rage another time. Un-listened-to anger builds up and up, leaks out into your daily life and the people around you, as it turns from a healthy anger to a violent impotent rage.

Anyway, that's the kind of stuff I'd be thinking of if this thread was the kind of thread which is about support...

Qwertie · 05/01/2017 07:35

Sounds like maybe your dad was trying to point out how your behaviour is coming across. Also, I imagine the situation at work must also be very stressful for your boss; she's just been shouted at at work and it's very likely that whatever has gone before between you both has been stressful for her and she is likely to be under pressure from her boss, or from procedures, to initiate these conversations with you.
Your dad & boss are people with feelings too and it sounds like they are both under a lot of pressure from you. I think you need to be more honest with yourself, OP.

corythatwas · 05/01/2017 10:04

Miscellaneous has a good point. It seems there is a back story which would make everything fall into place and make far more sense, but we are not privy to that. We can only go on what you tell us on this thread.

And if your responses to other posters come across as flying off the handle- that is the only place we have of making an assessment of you as a person. It may well be that in RL you are a completely different person and that if we knew you, we'd see how far from having anger issues you are. But again, we can only make a snap judgement on what you give us.

AtSea1979 · 05/01/2017 20:30

Just caught up with the thread. Thanks everyone for your support, I probably just needed to let off steam yesterday and took it out on wrong people. I spoke to my dad last night and apologised and told him how appreciated he really was. He didn't want to talk about it, he just wanted to move on. He was ok though. He said my mum was furious though. I saw her today but she's not talking to me.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page