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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not apologise for being me

150 replies

AtSea1979 · 04/01/2017 11:37

My DF told me I had anger management issues, in relation to my DC, because I yelled at my boss who has been bullying me. I wasn't personal or abusive just frustrated and raised my voice whilst still maintaining my point (to my boss). I then yelled at my dad I don't have anger problems I'm just at breaking point with work. To which he replied "see, you are even shouting at me now" I said yes because you know the pressure I'm under and you are accusing me of things that aren't true and have serious implications when you have DCs. He said I was being ridiculous so I said ok let's ring my social worker and tell them I have anger issues and see whether they think it's serious. He refused to see my point of view so I told him that unless he changes his POV about me then we are done. Now I'm home and sobbing and wish I could articulate how hurt I feel that my own DF implied I have anger issues in regards to my DC.

OP posts:
user1471470316 · 04/01/2017 12:52

Hey Op.

You say your dad is coming over... it sounds like he wants to help. Would his help be useful?

If it would, try and stay calm - you are stressed and upset by your own admission, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have anger issues.

I have had a recent bereavement and have felt a lot of anger, that has been directed at the people around me. That doesn't mean I have an anger issue... it means I am stressed and grieving. That said.. it does mean that I need to do something about it, as it isn't good for me, or those at the receiving end. And it does mean that I have to try and accept it when the people who love me are telling me that they are worried.

In other words...don't worry about the labels. If your dad is well meaning, talk to him about what you are going through and how he might be able to help.

Good luck

1horatio · 04/01/2017 12:52

You were bullied at work and snapped. That doesn't mean you have anger issues, it's the same victim blaming mentality bullies and busers use. They treat you like shit and when you finally snap they go...'see? See how crazy she is?'

If you do not have anger issues towards your children (SW may be here for various other reasons that don't have anything to do with OP mistreating her DC) then yes, your DF was out of line. And I don't think you getting a bit louder is a sign of some underlying issues, seeing as you were already really emotional from work.

DixieWishbone · 04/01/2017 12:54

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NavyandWhite · 04/01/2017 12:54

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user1480946351 · 04/01/2017 12:55

But losing your rag with a bully does not mean anger issues ffs

That and losing it again with your dad and threatening him that if he doesn't see things as you do you will never speak to them again, as a combination suggests some issues.
As does the attitude of "I didn't punch her so its not a big deal"

CotswoldStrife · 04/01/2017 12:55

It's not just the presence of the SW, it's the fact that you (the OP) had a row with your dad and threatened to cut contact - that is a massive overreaction! That kind of overreaction certainly comes across as aggressive, you said 'unless he changes his POV about me we are done' - he can think what he likes though, what if he said the same about you?

Gentlelope · 04/01/2017 12:56

People can reveal as much or as little personal information as they want without being badgered for more info. It is possible to deal with some issues in the abstract without people nosing about very private matters, which presumably details of social work involvement would fall under, same as medical matters would.

user1480946351 · 04/01/2017 12:57

It's not possible to deal in abstracts when its not an abstract problem.

If you post ,people can ask for more info.

dollydaydream114 · 04/01/2017 12:57

It's because you have a Sw op.Everyone's assuming its because of you.

People aren't assuming it's because of her; they are asking if it is, and they are asking because it's obviously very pertinent to the question being asked and the reasons for having a SW could put a considerably different slant on her father's concerns - it could make the difference between his comments being totally OTT and his comments actually being understandable/explicable.

It's fine if the OP doesn't want to tell us, as it's her business, but she must surely realise that it's part of the picture and people need to see the full picture to give a full response.

NavyandWhite · 04/01/2017 12:58

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Gentlelope · 04/01/2017 12:58

xpost ssorry

dollydaydream114 · 04/01/2017 13:02

It is possible to deal with some issues in the abstract

Yes, with 'some' issues. Not with all of them. The OP has presented us with a very specific situation with many factors that could potentially make a big difference to it, so it's not really possible to give a fair response without knowing what those factors are.

Miserylovescompany2 · 04/01/2017 13:05

Hello OP, you sound stressed out to be honest. Shouting, gets you nowhere, if anything, even more stressed than before. Ask your father to be more specific about his comment. Without knowing the history, it's impossible to give advice.

You mentioned the involvement of SS, I have their involvement with my family, because I have children who have very complex needs. I'm not ashamed of their involvement, because as a family we'd struggle greatly without the support.

Does your father know why they are involved? Because if not, he could be putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 5! He's assuming (by the sound of things) that you shouting/raising your voice/crying at work is connected to the SS involvement.

Everything in life has a knock on effect, so if you are stressed at work, you are more likely than not to take that home and vice versa.

Also, if you are all ready stressed to start with, it won't take a lot more to tip you over the edge. Sometimes, it about taking a step back.

AtSea1979 · 04/01/2017 13:05

I was hoping he wanted to talk. He didn't speak, he just took DC and left.

OP posts:
HecateAntaia · 04/01/2017 13:05

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Waltermittythesequel · 04/01/2017 13:07

But the thing is, your dad isn't an arse. So he's caring? Good to you and the children?

So is he genuinely concerned? Is this coming from a place of love?

You are coming across as stressed and angry.

You do have a SW for whatever reason.

You had an outburst with your boss then again with your father...

Don't blame him for being worried about you.

1horatio · 04/01/2017 13:07

Why do you have a sw?

Waltermittythesequel · 04/01/2017 13:08

Why did he take your dc??

NavyandWhite · 04/01/2017 13:08

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HecateAntaia · 04/01/2017 13:09

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Soubriquet · 04/01/2017 13:10

What on earth is going on?

There must be bloody more then you're letting on and it must be big

PurpleDaisies · 04/01/2017 13:12

How did he take the children? Surely they wouldn't just get up and go with anything with you saying not to go?!

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2017 13:12

If the social worker isn't relevant in any way shape nor form why mention it, why tell her dad to ask the social worker. The op clearly doesn't need to say, but she put it into play, so it's fair enough to ask what context this plays and why it's being raised. I think everyone knew the social worker is not involved due to the ops work. In addition she calls the social worker her social worker and refers to serious consequences if she has anger management issues round children, so it's valid in terms of context, her call if she wants to discuss or not.

However, when someone you have a good relationship with , who you trust and who is normally sypportiv suggests you have anger management issues with uour kids then it's better to try to understand that persons perspective, not to start yelling and threatening to cut him out her and her children's lives if he didn't change his point of view.

In addition the fact she feels her boss is lucky she wasn't physically assaulted is possibly indicative of deeper issues, but as the op won't clarify what the boss did, it's hard to make any assumption past it's not the best way to handle situations to cry, shout and feel like punching people in the work environment. Others may feel crying, shouting and having to restrain ourselves from physical violence in the workplace is exactly the way to handle ourselves, and we are all welcome to our differing opinions.

As for me, I think the op is stressed and managing that stress can result in things like anger, physical aggression, crying and shouting.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 04/01/2017 13:13

I don't think you've explained anywhere near the full story OP. People want to help but can't give you useful support if they don't actually know the circumstances.

Miserylovescompany2 · 04/01/2017 13:14

Communication is key here. Why not text him, that you really hoped he would have stopped and discussed things further. You don't want an argument or debate, you'd just like him to listen. (That kind of sets the scene for when he returns)

Are you Ok?

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