To not apologise for being me

[AtSea1979]

My DF told me I had anger management issues, in relation to my DC, because I yelled at my boss who has been bullying me. I wasn't personal or abusive just frustrated and raised my voice whilst still maintaining my point (to my boss). I then yelled at my dad I don't have anger problems I'm just at breaking point with work. To which he replied "see, you are even shouting at me now" I said yes because you know the pressure I'm under and you are accusing me of things that aren't true and have serious implications when you have DCs. He said I was being ridiculous so I said ok let's ring my social worker and tell them I have anger issues and see whether they think it's serious. He refused to see my point of view so I told him that unless he changes his POV about me then we are done. Now I'm home and sobbing and wish I could articulate how hurt I feel that my own DF implied I have anger issues in regards to my DC.

Agree there's more to this

I do think you should apologise to your dad. You can pick up the anger in your replies

A year of biting your tongue? At work? Then you needed to sort out the issues. Report bullying.
You shouldn't be crying and yelling at work.
Yes apologise to your dad for both those things.

If you actually 'yelled' at your boss then yes, you do have anger issues. People don't raise their voices at other people generally & certainly not in an work environment...well, not in my experience anyway.

No I wasn't yelling at DC. I don't yell at DC usually. The occasional barking at them in the morning to get out the door on time for school/work otherwise no and that's more yelling up the stairs than at them specifically.

AtSea1979 from what I can understand you were upset and shotued at your boss? Depending on the situation - that may be unprofessional but to me doesn't sound as if you have anger issues.

Talking to your father about it he says you have anger management issues so you challenged him to call social services if that was the case. Is that right?

I think it depends on the surrounding circumstances. If you were justifiably upset then your Dad wasn't being very supportive. But he may have had good intentions if hes concerned about you keeping your job.

If you are bring your stress home and shouting at DC/family/friends - then you may need to look at how you can manage your work related stress.

I can see you're upset (and I'm not sure AIBU is the place to talk about this) but maybe take a step back and fully examine the circumstances.

OP in your thread title you basically said you won't apologise for being you. What 'you' is that? The angry one? And if it happens so infrequently then why do you identify yourself as that and refuse to be apologetic for it?

Maybe just a bad choice of words but struggling to understand that part. What you've ended up saying is 'yeah I've kicked off on people but I was pushed to it and they're lucky I didn't do more, I'm not sorry it's who I am'.

He's on his way over

But being an angry and shouty person at work doesn't automatically mean that you will take any 'anger issues' out on your children - and vise versa.

Look, clearly you ARE angry. There may well be mitigating circumstances for it, but denying you are isn't going to help you at the moment.

You say that the SW doesn't relate to work, which is all well and good, but what does the SS involvement relate to? If your DF knows the reasons for that I presume it's feeding the fact he's worried about you.

Start with apologising to your DF and taking a bit of time to maybe try and be honest with yourself about how to move forward with the issues and the anger.

If SS are involved for your children, I think your dad has every right to show abit of concern

Perhaps your df was clumsily trying to point out that you are struggling with your emotions at the moment, not that you have a general anger problem. It reads as though you have been bottling up work related stress and letting it get to the point of explosion. Expressing anger in a healthy way is possible, it doesn't have to be an outburst. Perhaps that is what he was getting at?

You did overreact with your df and didn't allow him to clarify what he actually meant, you just assumed he was implying various things.

We can debate whether you have "anger issues" until the cows come home, but from your OP I see someone who is very stressed and potentially at breaking point.

If you normally get on well with your Dad, sit down with him, apologise for yelling at him, and explain that he hurt you with the implications. Ask him for help in whatever way would be most helpful for you at this point - whether that be help with the DC, someone to listen to you, or whatever.

Contact ACAS for advice on the workplace bullying, if you have not already done so.

Don't forget, your SW is there to help you - is he/she in place for you specifically or for your DC. There may be other avenues of help for you at this present time that they could suggest.

Good luck OP.

Can I ask why you have a social worker? I think that's quite relevant to the conversation and to your dad's comments.

It's absolutely fine that you don't agree with your dad's concerns - you've said you don't take out your anger on your kids, and that's good. But the way to react is to explain to him calmly that yes, you might have raised your voice at work and you may be a bit OTT sometimes but you never lose it with your kids.

If you react to his comments instead by shouting at him, saying you'll phone your social worker, telling him 'you are done' and then sobbing about it and ranting on here saying you shouldn't have to apologise for being you, then all you are doing is proving his point that you have a temper and overreact to things. You may well be great with your kids, but that doesn't mean that anger isn't a problem in your life generally and in your dealings with everyone else.

Like I said SW unrelated to work

I don't think anyone has suggested it would be related to work. The issue is whether it's related to your children.

I don't understand why you say your behaviour was "being me" if you've only behaved that way twice in 38 years. But I think you need to sit down and ask your father to explain exactly why he was worried, and listen to him without resorting to further shouting. If he has no cause to be worried, explain your point of view quietly and calmly - but keep your mind open to the possibility that the way you present is giving him just cause to be worried.

Sw unrelated to work. Well, obviously... But clearly not unrelated to your children?!

I don't understand why you say your behaviour was "being me" if you've only behaved that way twice in 38 years.

Although we really don't have enough context to judge, I wondered if this meant OP is sick of having to smile and please others (picky, critical others) and eventually snapped.

Okay, so maybe "anger issues" isn't the most constructive phrase. Do you think you might benefit from help with managing stress? If you are having a difficult time then some advice might help. Stress levels being too high can really affect your health. Perhaps having someone to talk to in a confidential setting might be a really good thing for you.

Blunt I don't care what you believe.

I am certainly not trying to make op feel better.

But losing your rag with a bully does not mean anger issues ffs.

You never shouted?

It's because you have a Sw op.
Everyone's assuming its because of you.

There is no reason why the OP should tell, or be asked, the reason for her social work involvement.

OP, it might be that something that pushes your buttons is not being listened to or properly heard. Sometimes it helps to identify what our hot button triggers are - they often go way back to early childhood. It takes work but can help us take a step back from such situations. Being unfairly treated is horrible in itself but can also bring up a lot of memories subconsciously that then make us fly off the handle rather than able to react calmly or logically.

You never shouted? It's because you have a Sw op.Everyone's assuming its because of you.

Agree with Oswin.

There is no reason why the OP should tell, or be asked, the reason for her social work involvement

Except she posted about it and it seems to be directly relevant to the post that she chose to make.