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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not apologise for being me

150 replies

AtSea1979 · 04/01/2017 11:37

My DF told me I had anger management issues, in relation to my DC, because I yelled at my boss who has been bullying me. I wasn't personal or abusive just frustrated and raised my voice whilst still maintaining my point (to my boss). I then yelled at my dad I don't have anger problems I'm just at breaking point with work. To which he replied "see, you are even shouting at me now" I said yes because you know the pressure I'm under and you are accusing me of things that aren't true and have serious implications when you have DCs. He said I was being ridiculous so I said ok let's ring my social worker and tell them I have anger issues and see whether they think it's serious. He refused to see my point of view so I told him that unless he changes his POV about me then we are done. Now I'm home and sobbing and wish I could articulate how hurt I feel that my own DF implied I have anger issues in regards to my DC.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 04/01/2017 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Soubriquet · 04/01/2017 12:01

So do you actually have a SW?

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 04/01/2017 12:01

Apologise to him for what specifically? Raising my voice when he knew I was crying and under pressure and thought he throw that in the mix? Or telling him that unless he changes his POV then we are done?

OP posts:
EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/01/2017 12:02

Honestly, you need to apologise your poor dad if you ask me. You say yourself he was just trying to help and was worried. Further to that, you need to take positive steps to resolve your work issues but without any details, hard to say how to do that.

PurpleDaisies · 04/01/2017 12:02

You should apologise for both of those things.

Fallonjamie · 04/01/2017 12:03

You do have anger issues and you're adding 2 and 2 and getting 5 in regards to what you think your Dad was 'implying'.

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2017 12:03

Sorry op, I suspect he has a point and is struggling to tell you because you flip so easily. Based on the fact he's always been supportive, if apologise to him and sit down and listen to what he's trying to tell you.

As for your boss, I don't know what she has done, so maybe articulate it, but I do know crying and shouting at work isn't ok either, so possibly you should apologise there too.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 04/01/2017 12:03

Like I said SW unrelated to work and this conversation apart from when he said it wasn't ridiculous and tried to minimise what he'd said and I said what he said was actually serious.

OP posts:
Oswin · 04/01/2017 12:03

I totally disagree with everyone .

You were being bullied at work and snapped.
You didn't scream shout or threaten.

Now for your dad to use this one incident against you of course you would be upset with him.

littledinaco · 04/01/2017 12:03

It sounds like you have problems communicating. Yelling at your boss in frustration is really not normal.

You come accross as very angry. Maybe look into getting help for this so that when you are in a situation where something upsets/frustrates you, you are able to react in a different way rather than shouting and becoming aggressive.

YelloDraw · 04/01/2017 12:03

so I said ok let's ring my social worker and tell them I have anger issues and see whether they think it's serious

The very fact you have a social worker indicates you aren't 100% coping in the way most people cope...

ListenIda · 04/01/2017 12:04

As well as the fact that yelling and crying seem to be your responses to stressful situations, I'm more worried by the fact that your title suggests you see shouting as 'being me'? Do you really see that manifestation of anger as being the key to your personality?

user1480946351 · 04/01/2017 12:04

You didn't scream shout or threaten

She did though. Her bar is "at least I didn't punch her", which is not a normal response.

So why do you have a SW then, OP? Other issues with your children?

PurpleDaisies · 04/01/2017 12:05

You were being bullied at work and snapped.
You didn't scream shout or threaten

The op herself says she was "crying and yelling" at her boss.

NavyandWhite · 04/01/2017 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ListenIda · 04/01/2017 12:05

And that you seem to want to be congratulated on not hitting your boss.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 04/01/2017 12:05

Flip so easily? Twice in 38 years and both in same week? Neither involving abuse just making a point but raising my voice over the other person. So it's not normal to have stress and reach breaking point without having anger issues?

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/01/2017 12:05

So let's get this straight - your dad witnesses you shouting at the kids, he then said you must have anger issues because you also lost it in work? Something like that?

I just don't understand how you can connect the kids' wellbeing with you shouting at your boss? I can undersrnad your dad being worried if you told him the whole story about work and then he was concerned that the stress you were under might spill out at home and you might snap at the kids or something. This would be totally normal. Both the potential "snapping at kids" scenario and your dad being worried about the possibility of it happening and discussing it with you. He DID say "I do know you're under a lot of stress at work."

Are you sure he wasn't just trying to say he understood the stress you were under and that he realises there is the potential to get shouty with the kids and was trying to head that off?
Difficult without knowing exactly what he said/how he said it.

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2017 12:06

I totally disagree with everyone .

user1480946351 · 04/01/2017 12:07

Put it this way, you know your dad...would he say he thought you had anger issues for any other reason than he actually thinks you have anger issues?
He knows you, he must have a reason for saying this.

pictish · 04/01/2017 12:08

It is highly unlikely that your father thinks you have anger issues on the strength of the exchange with your boss alone...I think he used that incident as an example of issues he feels you have which are previous, present and ongoing.
Going on your description of events I would tend to agree that you appear to have some difficulty staying calm.

Maybe you should really think about what your dad has said.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 04/01/2017 12:08

I want to be congratulated? I'm crying. I've had a year of biting my tongue and jumping through hoops and I yelled. I'm only human. I know it wasn't my finest hour. I said that, I take full responsibility for that.

OP posts:
user1471470316 · 04/01/2017 12:08

oh OP - you sound very stressed.

By your own entry, your DF is worried about you and not an arse.

He may have been clumsy in his choice of words, but it sounds like he is trying to help - which lets face it, is difficult when things escalate into an argument.

When you are having a tough time in one area of your life, it's easy for this to 'bleed' into others and it becomes hard take an objective, rationale look at what's going on.

Take a few deep breaths.. and ask yourself if you have been more irritable at home than usual as a result of what's been happening to you at work.

If the answer is 'yes' - then you know you have something to work on. If it's 'no', then don't cut your dad out - calmly tell your dad that you don't like falling out with him, but that you disagree with his pov.

As for work, if you have HR department, go and talk to them about your concerns. That feels like a very scary step, but you shouldn't have to manage this situation without support.

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2017 12:09

Twice in 38 years and both in same week

dollydaydream114 · 04/01/2017 12:10

You are really, really overreacting here. It's obvious that your dad doesn't think you have anger issues solely because you shouted at your boss - he mentioned it as part of a wider pattern he has observed; it was just an example.

Everything you've described does sound like you're being hyper-sensitive and over-the-top in your reactions.

By saying 'Why should I apologise for being me?' you are implying that there is never anything wrong with your behaviour. If 'being you' is shouting at people and then crying and threatening never to speak to them again when you're criticised in the slightest way, then that's a cause for concern and yes, I do think an apology would be appropriate. There does come a point when you need to recognise that you have faults.