To not apologise for being me

[AtSea1979]

My DF told me I had anger management issues, in relation to my DC, because I yelled at my boss who has been bullying me. I wasn't personal or abusive just frustrated and raised my voice whilst still maintaining my point (to my boss). I then yelled at my dad I don't have anger problems I'm just at breaking point with work. To which he replied "see, you are even shouting at me now" I said yes because you know the pressure I'm under and you are accusing me of things that aren't true and have serious implications when you have DCs. He said I was being ridiculous so I said ok let's ring my social worker and tell them I have anger issues and see whether they think it's serious. He refused to see my point of view so I told him that unless he changes his POV about me then we are done. Now I'm home and sobbing and wish I could articulate how hurt I feel that my own DF implied I have anger issues in regards to my DC.

Does your DF have custody of your children OP, is that why you are so sensitive about him thinking you have anger issues?

It seems to me from what the OP has posted that OP is having some problems at work which have caused a great deal of stress and perhaps the reaction to them has not been the best in terms of resolving the issue with her boss. It also seems like OP has sought some reassurance on the work issues from her DF and feels as though she has instead received some criticism.

Having an at times very stressful job coupled with a DF who still treats me like a child despite me being 40 i can somewhat sympathise. It's very easy for a couple of misguided comments to tip you over the edge when there is something ongoing at work which causes you stress. However, i do think that OP's DF is probably just trying to help but has done so awkwardly and has instead made things worse.

OP i do think when you step back and get some perspective you will see that your DF meant no offence. I tend to fall out with my DF at times too when i feel he's not listening to my point of view and he does tend to say the wrong thing a lot, but i know his heart is in the right place.

Have you resolved your issues at work? It seems like this is something that has affected you greatly. Hopefully you can get some support on dealing with this.

Shouting at a bully after a year of biting your lip and taking all the shit is a perfectly normal response. Some people might quit before they get to that stage, but some people just try to muddle through (because quitting your job when you have DC is often not an option) until it gets to be too much. Sometimes getting angry is perfectly normal and perfectly reasonable. Could you go to your doctor and get signed off with stress?

I would be very angry at anyone who suggested I was potentially harmful to children by getting angry at work. There is a huge difference between losing your temper at an adult bully and losing it at an innocent child. Is your dad one of those people who thinks that shouting is fundamentally wrong? Or at least wrong in women?

Of course it could be that your stress is leaking out in to your home life more than you realised. (Another reason to get signed off for a couple of weeks - give yourself some breathing room.)

OP I know how irritating it is to bite your tongue when it seems the other person isn't making an effort. Sounds like your work is really unhealthy and you're having a shit time of it.

In future, could you maybe remove yourself from the situation (politely), get a cup of tea and try to calm down? It does seem like your dad was trying to help, even if it wasn't very useful or welcome (I agree being called a girl would be trying!).

Finally, you seem very fixated on the idea of 'anger issues' being a shameful thing. It would be better to accept that these days you might be quicker to anger (stress does awful things to people and you wouldn't be the only one to have a short fuse if you're in a job you hate!). It doesn't have to be this way forever. It's not a judgement of your fundamental character. Just an observation on you at the moment.
I used to have a terrible temper but now I'm much happier and don't feel like a simmering pot anymore. It's not something I'm ashamed of (though I am of some incidents - bashing my head etc, shouting). You don't have to see it like a black mark against your name or anything.

Hugs OP. Please don't bear a grudge against your dad. Also, it doesn't sound like he merited the shouting, so for the sake of your relationship it might be an idea to apologise. I do hope your work situation improves soon.

Ameilia while being angry at someone is perfectly valid I think that it's clear from both the post and subsequent comments from OP that it is not as black and white as her getting righteously angry in one isolated incident, and there are better ways to deal with those things particularly in a professional environment, where there are avenues set up specifically for people to tackle bullying etc (like HR departments).

OP, I think you should talk to your social worker about any stress you are experiencing, to at least make them aware that you are going through abnormally high stress or whatever other issues you are having at the moment, and hopefully to get some support as well.

Have you thought about seeking further help and support for yourself? It really does sound like you may benefit from it (and I don't mean that to sound patronisng at all, outside perspective from people who are trained to deal with MH and emotional wellbeing can be useful for everyone).

Did he take the kids out for the day or do they normally live with him?

Is it possible you're depressed? It's very common to be prickly if that's the case.

It sounds like everything is pilling up and you're struggling to see a way out so trying to take a step back and looking objectively (as much as possible) at the current situation is your best approach. Then, you might realise that you've been touchier than normal- apologise to your dad and try and reign it in.

Or you think that actually you weren't that bad, you can point out why you were on edge to your dad without getting emotional.

But it does sound you get overwhelmed quite often lately and you may lash out. I realise it's difficult to react calmly so just take baby steps.

Sorry was in a rush. At hospital with DD. DF took DC as arranged. People on MN seem to be so skeptical today. It's really is as simple as that. I guess DF minimising it made it worse not better. I am less emotional now.

Depressed? Because I came face to face with a bully and yelled? No I'm not depressed. Hurt, upset, humiliated, stressed. Take your pick. Depressed no.

Why start a thread that you're not willing to give answers on?

Let's be fair here, the way you posted isn't in line with your latest uodate. It's natural people were concerned. They will be more sceptical now as well.

OP, can you not see how if you throw in things like "he took the kids" and "am at the hospital" then dripfeed, it makes it very hard for people to grasp your situation and to advise you accordingly?

OP, when information isn't there people automatically fill in the blanks. You are obviously having a tough time. People (including myself) are merely trying to help. Nothing more and nothing less.

It's up to you if you wish to accept or not.

I wonder if the very fact you never normally yell and have shouted twice in one week is why your father is worried? If you're normally super chilled then yelling twice in a week suggests issues of some sort. Actually if you were always shouting at people he probably wouldn't even remark on it.

What was the purpose of you posting this? Were you hoping that people would hear about your conversation with your DF (which even from your one sided recollection does make you look rather agressive and even quite petulant) and post a slew of sympathetic responses to vindicate you and make you feel better about how you acted?

The fact you said you were stressed and alluded to having support from a SW made posters quite concerned about you and your DC. Every well intentioned response with practical advice has been met by you with short tempered and contrary responses, which has resulted in a very confusing picture of what you are going through. Your drip feeding and vague responses suggest you just like the drama at this point.

I wish you, your DF and your DC all the best, and hope you sort out whatever it is you are going through. But I see no point in you continuing to post if all you are going to do is argue with the people who are just trying to help you with a post that you put out there in the first place, presumably to get said advice.

I would imagine your DF tried to "minimise" it because you flew so far off the handle he was just trying to calm you down.

So you have an excuse for yelling at your boss, what is your excuse for yelling at and threatening your Dad?

And if you are so calm and not angry, why would you need to "apologise for being you"?

Op, can I suggest that you stop and think before posting? You've gone from highly unreasonable to reasonable very quickly. As a highly volatile person myself I recognise thIs and suggest you might have anger issues. I'd suggest speaking to someone. I have now recognised my issues thanks to therapy and can better control my reactions

OP, is the SW involvement to do with the court case with your son?

So now he has took the children by arrangement?

That's a funny dripfeed

You do sound very on edge at the moment OP, which is understandable given the court case and the pressure surrounding your ex.

But your Dad is someone you're likely to need on your side to support you.

Apologise and give him a hug.

Op, I believe you.

I have been there. I was bullied at work and one day absolutely flipped my lid. I basically broke down. It was so far removed from my usual way of dealing with things because basically I wasn't dealing with this. I don't have anger issues, but if you had heard me then you would have thought I was a raving lunatic that needed to be sectioned. You dealt with things much better than I did, I promise you!

So I believe you op. I believe you don't have anger issues, I believe you have been pushed to a point that you can no longer deal with certain things in the way you would normally wish to.

But - and this is important - with the right support you can and will get through this and come out stronger. Go to your GP. They can support you with stress and offer things like CBT, time off if you need it and counselling if appropriate, although that might take time.

I totally understand why people that have not been through that might think it means you have anger issues. The real truth is probably more like you have been ignoring the issue for too long, possibly because you don't like confrontation and would prefer the quiet life. And eventually it has all built up to a level that you can no longer keep a lid on.

Yelling at my dad was wrong and I accept that. But this need for labels and 'help' just screams of his view that anything other than what him and my mum would do needs a label slapping on it, with the words 'not normal'. I guess this is ingrained far deeper than I realised.

If people who are close to you in real life, and people who have no knowledge of you apart from one post as a window into what's going on in your life, pretty much unanimously agree that something is amiss, surely that is something to think about?

We can only better ourselves and grow as people if we have the capacity to self reflect, rather than drown out any voices that disagree with the way with live our lives. I know a couple of people like this and trust me as flawed as we all are, I feel like the people who are able to seek support when needed and know when they are going about the things the wrong way are much happier than those who don't, and make the people close to them much happier in return. Particularly important if you have children.