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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say that I really don't want this kind of Christmas gift again?

143 replies

blueberryporridge · 03/01/2017 00:24

SIL has, for the second time, given DH and me a charity donation to well-known charity (overseas aid) as our Christmas gift.

We gave her a very nice (and quite expensive) gift which she has said she loves.

I actually support this particular charity - I have made regular monthly donations to them for 20+ years plus I support their emergency appeals whenever I can.

But the fact is that she didn't ask us whether we wanted this donation as our gift. She doesn't know which charities we support (or that we support any, in fact).

As I see it, she is getting two gifts by doing this - she gets one actual gift from us and another from herself in the form of her feeling good about giving money to a charity of her choice.

I am sure if I was a better person I would be delighted at making this donation to charity but it actually makes me feel kind of worthless - as if she thinks that we obviously don't deserve/don't need a personal gift and/or that she thinks that we don't do enough for good causes and therefore need to be made by her to donate to charity.

It would be totally different if she had asked us if we wanted her to do this. We would probably have agreed and suggested that we did the same for her.

Have just had a gushing thank you in from her re the gift we sent her.

There is a slight complication in that she also sends our DCs small gifts. (She doesn't have any DC.)

I didn't say anything the first time and I think I either speak up now or accept that this is going to keep happening. So, AIBU to wonder whether to respond:

1 thanks for the donation to charity you made on our behalf . We'll be doing the same for you for birthdays and Christmases from now on, and let us know if you would prefer a charitable donation or personal gift from the DC.

2 let's forget about Christmas and birthday presents between us adults from now on. Let us know if you would prefer a charitable donation or personal gift from the DC.

3 say nothing, continue to buy her personal gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and have the same kind of resentful feelings every time she unilaterally donates to charity on our behalf?

Or AIBU?

OP posts:

Janey50 · 03/01/2017 17:02

IMO,if you give someone a gift like this,you speak to them first to make sure that they are happy with it,especially if you know that they are likely to spend money on a gift for you. IME,the people who are usually fine with this sort of gift are the ones that already have everything they need/want,so buying them a personal gift may be very difficult.

Janey50 · 03/01/2017 17:06

Meant to say also,I think number 1option is the best response.

Ragwort · 03/01/2017 17:16

I am genuinely struggling to understand why you don't want a 'charity gift' when she is clearly giving you a charity gift that is already linked to the charity you support - why would you rather have a bar of soap/scented candle rather than an additional donation to something you support anyway . To me your DSIL is being thoughtful in that she is giving to a charity you support - different if it was to a completely different/inappropriate charity.

I totally agree with Pinto - I would love to receive a charity gift rather than endless tat (that goes to the charity shop of the charity I support ) and I frequently give charity gifts.

RunWalkCrawlbutMove · 03/01/2017 17:20

OP I am with you. I also wonder if it is a bit of a dig at you - does she consider you indulgent or wealthy?
To request an expensive, material gift and then gift you a charity donation is sending you a message imo. And probably not a very nice one.

Lunde · 03/01/2017 17:30

I think it is pretty rude to give a charity donation as a "gift" without finding out whether the recipient of this "gift" actually supports the cause. It does sound like a dig to give a goat to an ethical vegetarian.

Otherwise you are donating to a charity for yourself and calling it a gift to someone else.

elQuintoConyo · 03/01/2017 17:42

You keep mentioning how quite pricey the gift to her was. Did it not equal the money she donated to charity? Is that what is sticking in yout craw?

If I were you I wouldn't mention anything about this year's gifts. Just make sure next year and for birthdays etc you donate to charity too, or buy gifts from charity shops so you are supporting a charity you would like to support.

Job done.

tooclosetocall · 03/01/2017 21:48

Part of the whole gift-giving process is that the recipient doesn't dictate the terms

well Christmas gift lists seem to go some way towards dictating, especially on MN this week!

ENormaSnob · 03/01/2017 22:57

Yanbu

This would really piss me off.

She can be all virtuous with your gift but will happily request expensive material goods for herself? Wrong way around imo.

ViewBasket · 04/01/2017 13:22

Part of the whole gift-giving process is that the recipient doesn't dictate the terms

But surely, another part of the whole gift-giving process is that the giver doesn't accept expensive gifts themselves, while replacing someone else's gift instead of their own with a charity donation.

If someone emails beforehand to say "I won't be sending gifts this year and will be donating to X charity instead, so please do feel free to stop sending me gifts also".

ViewBasket · 04/01/2017 13:23

... then that's fine

Notso · 04/01/2017 13:49

I don't think you need to have a conversation about it. If you want to buy her something buy her whatever you think is appropriate.

I find it really odd you and your husband get separate gifts for her though.

Whitney168 · 04/01/2017 14:30

Luckily I have never received a charity gift, I find them very self-serving for the giver - unless they have been requested, in which case no issue, excellent for all.

No, I am not grabby - am actively trying to discourage adult present buying in our families, as we all have so much stuff. We are child-free, I have absolutely no issue with buying for children and getting nothing in return.

Charity giving is very personal. I give to several charities of my choice every month, and several others on an ad-hoc basis or when a friend is fund-raising to support them. However, there are plenty of charities I don't particularly have an urge to support, and also a few that I actively will NOT support.

It is not up to others to decide which charities are donated to in my/your name.

Lunde · 04/01/2017 15:00

You keep mentioning how quite pricey the gift to her was. Did it not equal the money she donated to charity? Is that what is sticking in yout craw?

I think it is the perceived hypocrisy of being very grabby by demanding expensive, material goods for yourself while feigning piety by giving "charitable" donations to your own favourite cause to others.

I have received charity gifts and been very happy with them as the giver chose thoughtfully and has given thought to causes I would support - I would not be happy to be given a gift to a charity that I don't support - especially as the charity "gift" usually means you are bombarded with e-mail/letters afterwards as a "supporter"

OVienna · 04/01/2017 16:05

OP you are 100 per cent not mean spirited but you will always, always get people on here saying you are.

This happened to us with DHs parents a few years running. When we reciprocated in kind MiL was very quiet during the meal - next year ho ho ho- it was back onto presents for all. Our present came with a very sanctimonious card too.

I wouldn't have minded at all if they'd said at the beginning they wanted the same for themselves too and also ditched the rather pointed card.

Go with option 1 or 2.

I also wasn't keen on the charity they picked. Think something like Ooeration Shoebox but not quite as bad.

londonrach · 04/01/2017 16:11

Agree with you. The charity gift is about the giver and abit of a dig at you. Charity is personal. Just speak to her and suggest no adult gifts.

QueenLizIII · 04/01/2017 17:22

Quite.

Just give her a donation this year and it will stop pretty quick.

OVienna · 04/01/2017 17:39

I would just slightly moderate the comment though:

"Thanks for the donation to charity you made on our behalf. We're happy to continue this tradition instead of traditional presents for each other if you would like. I think it would be a nice idea for us to agree as a family which one we're going to support? With the DC input as it would be nice for them to engage."

This turns it into a positive situation overall.

You may then end up not getting any presents at all though, and this may not be the outcome you want. People manage their charitable contributions in all sorts of ways and you may prefer to stick with personal gifts for Christmas presents; this isn't grabby in absolute terms. I'm just suggesting an alternative approach to dealing with the situation.

NewPapaGuinea · 04/01/2017 17:56

Vote for number 2.

For a couple of years we didn't buy for siblings and BIL and SIL just the children. Just got a bit silly for giving for the sake of giving. We now do a secret santa so £20 done. Quite fun trying to be the "best ss" and getting value for money. Before it was "oh that'll do for so and so" Waste of time and money.

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