Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To say that I really don't want this kind of Christmas gift again?

143 replies

blueberryporridge · 03/01/2017 00:24

SIL has, for the second time, given DH and me a charity donation to well-known charity (overseas aid) as our Christmas gift.

We gave her a very nice (and quite expensive) gift which she has said she loves.

I actually support this particular charity - I have made regular monthly donations to them for 20+ years plus I support their emergency appeals whenever I can.

But the fact is that she didn't ask us whether we wanted this donation as our gift. She doesn't know which charities we support (or that we support any, in fact).

As I see it, she is getting two gifts by doing this - she gets one actual gift from us and another from herself in the form of her feeling good about giving money to a charity of her choice.

I am sure if I was a better person I would be delighted at making this donation to charity but it actually makes me feel kind of worthless - as if she thinks that we obviously don't deserve/don't need a personal gift and/or that she thinks that we don't do enough for good causes and therefore need to be made by her to donate to charity.

It would be totally different if she had asked us if we wanted her to do this. We would probably have agreed and suggested that we did the same for her.

Have just had a gushing thank you in from her re the gift we sent her.

There is a slight complication in that she also sends our DCs small gifts. (She doesn't have any DC.)

I didn't say anything the first time and I think I either speak up now or accept that this is going to keep happening. So, AIBU to wonder whether to respond:

1 thanks for the donation to charity you made on our behalf . We'll be doing the same for you for birthdays and Christmases from now on, and let us know if you would prefer a charitable donation or personal gift from the DC.

2 let's forget about Christmas and birthday presents between us adults from now on. Let us know if you would prefer a charitable donation or personal gift from the DC.

3 say nothing, continue to buy her personal gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and have the same kind of resentful feelings every time she unilaterally donates to charity on our behalf?

Or AIBU?

OP posts:

OpalTree · 03/01/2017 10:57

I would get her a charitable donation from you as presumably she sees it as a good present. You could also buy gifts for her from the children in return for her gifts to them. She'd probably like that

waterrat · 03/01/2017 11:01

Please just be a bigger person and calm down about it. All the messages u have suggested are unnecessarily rude. Why do grown ups get so het up about gifts?

She buys for your kids and gives charity money to you - seems fair. How do you know she wasn't mortified and surprised thst you bought her a nice present?

If it reallt bothers you then wait till next Xmas and suggest you drop adult gifts.

Reallt juvenile to say anything now.

Katy07 · 03/01/2017 11:04

Why not just suggest to her that you all stop doing gifts from now on. Problem solved. Then if she wants to spend the money she's saved on goats she can, and you can spend your saved money on all the materialistic gifts that you personally want to receive. Everyone's a winner.

notanetter · 03/01/2017 11:05

I assume when the op said 'we' she meant both her and her husband, jointly using the joint family finances, therefore it's a joint gift

Yes, I assumed that, too (with a joint gift in return). But then she explained that in fact, she and her husband give separate gifts to his sister - and in fact, her husband gives multiple gifts just from him. So it's a bit confusing.

MuseumOfCurry · 03/01/2017 11:09

I can see how this might be slightly grating if accompanied by a certain personality type, but I think you'd be unreasonable to act upon it.

galaxygirl45 · 03/01/2017 11:40

I would only ever make a donation to charity on someone else's behalf if they had asked me to do so. I think it's quite a personal thing, and very easy to offend or get wrong.

Original poster

blueberryporridge · 03/01/2017 11:56

Fair point Isadora but we hardly ever see each other or discuss things like this (she lives a long way from us) and I don't think she knows that I support this charity (or about most of the other causes I support).

It is interesting to see that people seem to fall into two camps about this.

I do wonder if everyone who says I am grabby has told all their friends and relatives to give to charity in lieu of gifts to them.

I think at the end of the day I am just feeling a bit hurt by what she has done. Probably irrational and I will get over it. I am going to ask her in due course if she would like a charitable donation from me for her birthdays and Christmas in the future. Awaiting the response with interest!

OP posts:

Wineandrosesagain · 03/01/2017 12:09

Sorry that you've had so many nasty responses Op. Some posters make ridiculous assumptions and seem to post just to attack someone.

I agree that this sort of present benefits the giver more than the receiver. I wouldn't say anything but her next birthday present (jointly from both you and DH) would be a charity donation. It may be interesting to see her reaction. If she's delighted then perhaps suggest that you exchange names of charities before next Christmas so that you get to choose where the donation goes, as does she. I wouldn't be buying extra presents either except those from your DC (homemade ones are always good from DC).

hedwig2001 · 03/01/2017 12:11

I got quite cross (privately) about unilateral charity gifts, a few years ago. Our joint gift was a donation to a charity we don't support, with no discussion beforehand, so they got two nice gifts in return.
This year the same couple asked for no bought gifts, but nominated two charities. In return, we were able to nominate our own choice of charity. This felt much better.

MuseumOfCurry · 03/01/2017 12:12

I do wonder if everyone who says I am grabby has told all their friends and relatives to give to charity in lieu of gifts to them

That's pretty silly. Part of the whole gift-giving process is that the recipient doesn't dictate the terms.

Simonneilsbeard · 03/01/2017 12:29

I wouldn't really mind getting a donation type gift in lieu of a present, especially if the person was buying gifts for my children.
When I had children I kind of stopped expecting gifts for myself from relatives. I was grateful my children got something.
Personally I think christmas is more for them anyway.
Birthdays on the other hand would be a different matter

isshoes · 03/01/2017 12:43

I do wonder if everyone who says I am grabby has told all their friends and relatives to give to charity in lieu of gifts to them.

Of course not - but you're talking about your resentment at having been the recipient of such a gift, and what you should do to prevent it happening in the future. That's a big leap from just not actively asking for a charity donation.

You're right - it's completely irrational to feel 'hurt by what she's done'.

ViewBasket · 03/01/2017 13:04

YANBU at all.

If someone wants to donate to charity, they should sacrifice something of their own, not someone else's Christmas present. It's not "grabby" to point out the lack of etiquette in this situation.

The polite way is for someone to request a charity donation in place of their own present.

ViewBasket · 03/01/2017 13:08

I bet if the only gifts you send her in the near future are charity ones (preferably to a charity she doesn't support), she'll soon switch back Let's see if her generosity extends to forefeiting her own presents. Somehow I suspect not...

SheldonCRules · 03/01/2017 13:10

YANBU, I hate charity gifts with a passion. Charity giving is very personal, the charities I support no one knows so any charity gift given to me would likely be for one I don't.

Ok to ask for them, not ok to gift them to others as it's not a gift for them it's a gesture for them to make them feel better or prove a point.

DonutParade · 03/01/2017 13:12

I'd be quite happy if someone donated to a charity I supported. It's my choice to buy whatever I wanted for the other person. I think you are being unreasonable. I'm a complete and utterly atheist non-spiritual person but would feel happy that someone else more in need benefitted at Christmas. If I didn't particularly like the giver it would make no difference. I wouldn't care if they felt all virtuous if something good came out of it. Life's too short and it was bloody Christmas. Stuff etiquette.

StripySocks1 · 03/01/2017 13:14

Viewbasket "If someone wants to donate to charity, they should sacrifice something of their own, not someone else's Christmas present. It's not "grabby" to point out the lack of etiquette in this situation.

The polite way is for someone to request a charity donation in place of their own present."

I could never put my finger on exactly why I hate charity donations as gifts before but it's exactly this.

notanetter · 03/01/2017 13:17

I bet if the only gifts you send her in the near future are charity ones (preferably to a charity she doesn't support), she'll soon switch back

The notion of giving to charity specifically to upset/annoy someone else, or make a sniffy point, or attempt to change someone else's ways (which always comes up on these threads: "Yeah! Give her a goat and LAUGH at how pissed off she is! That'll TEACH her!") makes me feel slightly sad, and a bit nauseated.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2017 13:25

I do wonder if everyone who says I am grabby has told all their friends and relatives to give to charity in lieu of gifts to them. wink

PintofLagerandAPacketofCrisps · 03/01/2017 13:28

Hi all,

I realize that I am in the minority, but I find this thread astonishing.

These days I always ask for charitable donations. If they do make ''the giver'' feel warm and fuzzy too - I don't begrudge that - it is a win win situation IMO

The way I see it is I do not need a seventh hot water bottle, but I would rather a person made a charitable donation instead - I don't end up with a house full of other peoples choices of what they think I should like

I have also given charitable donations to a person too and didn't realize they were so frowned upon! eeek

Alternatively, they could be seen as the 'gift to give someone who already has everything'

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 03/01/2017 13:48

I think SIL has come across quite high handed in deciding to give a charity present without being asked for it.

I'm very careful with my charitable giving, and a lot of these charity gifts tend to be ones with very high admin costs versus benefits to users which I'm quite uncomfortable with. It would be different if there'd been a discussion previously, and a charity chosen - but in this case it's just a happy coincidence that OP doesn't disagree with the charity of choice!

Original poster

blueberryporridge · 03/01/2017 15:47

I don't want to tell her what to get me as a gift. I don't expect anything from her as "a right". I would not have been bothered if she had announced that she didn't want to do presents this year.

I would never dream of deducting what she has donated on my behalf from my own donations to the charity. It's not that I feel that I have been done out of a gift; my point is that she has given to a charity in my name but been happy to suggest and accept a personal (and quite pricey) gift for herself.

As someone above has said, I think the proper way for her to have approached this would have been to say that she would like us to donate to charity as our gift to her. If she had suggested this, I would also have been happy to have suggested the same thing in relation to her gift to us.

It's not about the gift; it's about treating people the way you would like to be treated yourself and I think she has failed on this count, which is what hurts a bit.

OP posts:

hackmum · 03/01/2017 16:00

I normally feel a bit irritated by unasked for charity donations. But your SIL is buying presents for your DC, and therefore she probably feels slightly resentful that she has to buy for you as well. I think you should ask her politely if she'd prefer a charitable gift herself in future. She can hardly say no, can she? With any luck, she'll suggest that you each make your own charitable donations to the charity of your choice and save the other person the effort. Job done.

Confusednotcom · 03/01/2017 16:37

Choosing (I guess) thoughtful gifts for DC takes effort. Your DH puts in effort making sure you give her something she will like. So from that POV you are even stevens. If you start making donations on her behalf how would you feel if she then follows your example and does the same on your DCs behalf?
In your shoes, next time I'd either ask DH to tip her off about something very specific you'd like or carry on as is.

isshoes · 03/01/2017 16:56

It's not that I feel that I have been done out of a gift; my point is that she has given to a charity in my name but been happy to suggest and accept a personal (and quite pricey) gift for herself.

It's still all about tit for tat though, isn't it? It's still about you feeling that you're not getting an equivalent gift to that which you give to her. And not taking into the account the gifts for your DC.

I think most people on this thread get that given the choice, you'd have preferred a personal gift. And that doesn't make you a bad or selfish person. It's your feelings of hurt and resentment that are a bit more jarring.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread