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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that I really don't want this kind of Christmas gift again?

143 replies

blueberryporridge · 03/01/2017 00:24

SIL has, for the second time, given DH and me a charity donation to well-known charity (overseas aid) as our Christmas gift.

We gave her a very nice (and quite expensive) gift which she has said she loves.

I actually support this particular charity - I have made regular monthly donations to them for 20+ years plus I support their emergency appeals whenever I can.

But the fact is that she didn't ask us whether we wanted this donation as our gift. She doesn't know which charities we support (or that we support any, in fact).

As I see it, she is getting two gifts by doing this - she gets one actual gift from us and another from herself in the form of her feeling good about giving money to a charity of her choice.

I am sure if I was a better person I would be delighted at making this donation to charity but it actually makes me feel kind of worthless - as if she thinks that we obviously don't deserve/don't need a personal gift and/or that she thinks that we don't do enough for good causes and therefore need to be made by her to donate to charity.

It would be totally different if she had asked us if we wanted her to do this. We would probably have agreed and suggested that we did the same for her.

Have just had a gushing thank you in from her re the gift we sent her.

There is a slight complication in that she also sends our DCs small gifts. (She doesn't have any DC.)

I didn't say anything the first time and I think I either speak up now or accept that this is going to keep happening. So, AIBU to wonder whether to respond:

1 thanks for the donation to charity you made on our behalf . We'll be doing the same for you for birthdays and Christmases from now on, and let us know if you would prefer a charitable donation or personal gift from the DC.

2 let's forget about Christmas and birthday presents between us adults from now on. Let us know if you would prefer a charitable donation or personal gift from the DC.

3 say nothing, continue to buy her personal gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and have the same kind of resentful feelings every time she unilaterally donates to charity on our behalf?

Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
blueberryporridge · 03/01/2017 01:28

Thanks for the replies - different people have different views, obviously.

DH puts a lot of effort in to choosing gifts for her and/or asking her what she would like and always spends a fair amount on her. I don't think he will want to buy her a goat etc, and she has never suggested this to him. (She is his DSis.)

We are not on our uppers but have not had a particularly easy time either over the past few years, and I don't think it would be that hard to think of something small which we would both appreciate/make use of. However, I am actually not bothered about getting anything from her; it's more that I resent the unilateral decision she has made, and the gushing note saying how much she likes the expensive present we gave her (which I think she asked DH for) has now got my (non-Oxfam) goat!

Hmmm, maybe I should just get her a goat (or hen) from me from now on, and let DH and SIL sort themselves out... DH can sort out the gift thing re the DCs too.

OP posts:
CakesRUs · 03/01/2017 01:32

I think it evens out too, I wouldn't buy her such an extravagant gift next year.

Original poster
blueberryporridge · 03/01/2017 01:37

This is a bit off topic, but people have mentioned the ubiquitous Christmas goat. I'd be fucking furious if anyone bought a goat in my name or any other livestock, because I don't want to support animal agriculture.

Actually, this has occurred to me too. I am vegetarian for moral reasons so although I've mentioned the possibility of a buying a goat or hen above, I would not actually buy one of these kinds of gifts - would go for something more related to education, health, or fresh water projects etc.

OP posts:
reuset · 03/01/2017 01:42

1 or 2 definitely

NoMudNoLotus · 03/01/2017 01:53

Just be content with the happiness you have her.

Giving is not about receiving. Nor is it about wanting other's to ask you what you wish for.

You sound sadly quite mean spirited about it.

twattymctwatterson · 03/01/2017 01:58

Honestly I hate these gift threads. I buy for my parents and my DD. I tell extended family to get something for DD and I get them a small gift in return - I don't need anything for myself. There seems to be a school of thought on mumsnet that people must get you a gift that's the monetary equivalent of what they get you. What about the pleasure of giving? Do you need another wine a cheese hamper or bath set?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/01/2017 02:02

In our department secret Santa this year someone made a donation to an animal charity in my name.

In all the years I've been participating in Secret Santas, other than the year I got a beautifully illustrated book about cats, it was the only year I thought someone has actually thought about what I might like and not wasted their money.

Original poster
blueberryporridge · 03/01/2017 02:04

You sound sadly quite mean spirited about it.

Really not wanting to be mean spirited about it. I much prefer giving presents to receiving them and I am really not worried about getting anything from her at all.

Glad I posted before replying to her note as I have seen different viewpoints now. I still think it is quite a high-handed thing to make a unilateral decision to give this kind of "gift" but I am going to go now on the basis that she thinks it is a good idea and therefore I will get her the same kind of thing from me in future, and see how things go.

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/01/2017 02:07

I think in this instance you just say thank you and think of it as an extra thing she does rather than as something for you. Be a grown up about it :)

It makes your dh happy to choose a gift for his sister. She buys presents for your children and then she makes a charitable donation as your gift.

I don't see the issue. She could have got you nothing but instead she goes to the trouble and expense of getting you all things.

She does get to make the unilateral decision because it is a gift she is giving. You can take the unilateral decision not to do the same. Or to do the same.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/01/2017 02:09

I agree with others. You do sound mean spirited. She bought presents for your children and made a donation.

If you much prefer giving presents than receiving them why are you making this fuss?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/01/2017 02:12

If you're not bothered stop being bothered and let your dh buy her a gift.

Why do you feel the need to make some sort of point?

Honestly, what happened to just saying thank you?

noenergy · 03/01/2017 02:16

U shouldn't really expect anything from her, she buys your DC and u buy her so that's equal, her buying you should not be expected.

Don't say anything if you really r finding it hard to accept, just cut down on the amount u spend on her next year. I know it's not a great gift that she had given but what can u do.

Original poster
blueberryporridge · 03/01/2017 02:20

If you much prefer giving presents than receiving them why are you making this fuss?

I've said why in my OP. Plus she is always very happy to accept (and often suggest) fairly expensive gifts for us to give her (and her DH). She has never suggested that we make a charitable donation for her.

But I am glad for the input here and can see the situation from other perspectives so I have decided to be very gracious about all her gifts to our family and to follow her example by making her future gifts from me charitable donations as she clearly thinks they are a good idea.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 03/01/2017 02:40

Option 4.

Give her a token gift this year as she does give gifts to your DC and then give the rest as a charity donation. Say nothing on the subject and see what she does.

QueenLizIII · 03/01/2017 02:42

She simply cannot complain about being given a charitable donation as she has done exactly the same to you. Any complaints on the subject will make her look cheap and ungrateful and make her admit she isnt keen on charity gifts and yet they are fine for you.
Call her bluff and see what she does.

anothermalteserplease · 03/01/2017 05:21

I'd buy her a small gift from the DC and make a charity donation from you.

NeighTrumpSnort · 03/01/2017 05:28

YANBU OP. It would annoy me too.

Let us know how her own charity gift is received Grin

HermioneWoozle · 03/01/2017 05:37

I'd just agree with her not to buy any gifts for one another or the kids at all. One less person to buy for and reduces the amount of tut in circulation.

Olddear · 03/01/2017 05:40

Well, she can suggest all the expensive gifts she likes, you are not obliged to buy them.

FixItUpChappie · 03/01/2017 05:42

I wouldn't send a text negotiating things. Just buy her what you want to buy her. If you'll feel less resentful buying her a charity goat, do that.

^^This - don't try to dictate gift giving from here on out, just get her what you want to (either a less expensive gift or a donation) and she will do the same. The only acceptable response is thank you...with perhaps the addition of "what a good idea, I think we are going to go this route next year - feels so great and in the true spirit of Christmas" (or something). Perhaps the addition of a specialty food item to acknowledge that she also buys for your children.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 03/01/2017 06:24

As it is a charity which you support anyway then why not just reduce your own monthly donation proportionately. Say to her 'same again thank you I love supporting xxx' and go off and buy your own present which will probably be something that you actually want/need and is to your taste?

Sahhhhh · 03/01/2017 06:46

to follow her example by making her future gifts from me charitable donations as she clearly thinks they are a good idea

Clearly it still bothers you Grin

Is your husband bothered by it or is it just you seething?

Blu · 03/01/2017 06:50

Child-free aunts and uncles can end up spending a lot, over birthdays and Christmases, for nieces and nephews. We have stopped doing presents amongst adult siblings but my DSis does get a present from Dc.

She is buying more presents for your family than you are for hers.

I do think Charity Donations should be asked for rather than given, iyswim.

cansu · 03/01/2017 07:53

Just stop with the adult presents. You dont need to say anything now wait a few months and then bring it up could say thst you have only just finished paying for xmas so want to reduce costs next year.

Evergreen17 · 03/01/2017 08:06

Tricky. My sister proposed this once. We already only do secret santa style on my mum's part of the family, but with a higher budget. So everybody gets a nice present but not lots of junk and easier/ cheaper.
One time sister proposes that whoever she has to gift she will gift them a goat for this community in Central Africa.
I said ok I think it is a very generous thing to do to be honest, but I think that should be your present because you are the one wanting to do that. So, shall we gift you the goat?
Confused
5 years ago and no goat has been mentioned since