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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that I really don't want this kind of Christmas gift again?

143 replies

blueberryporridge · 03/01/2017 00:24

SIL has, for the second time, given DH and me a charity donation to well-known charity (overseas aid) as our Christmas gift.

We gave her a very nice (and quite expensive) gift which she has said she loves.

I actually support this particular charity - I have made regular monthly donations to them for 20+ years plus I support their emergency appeals whenever I can.

But the fact is that she didn't ask us whether we wanted this donation as our gift. She doesn't know which charities we support (or that we support any, in fact).

As I see it, she is getting two gifts by doing this - she gets one actual gift from us and another from herself in the form of her feeling good about giving money to a charity of her choice.

I am sure if I was a better person I would be delighted at making this donation to charity but it actually makes me feel kind of worthless - as if she thinks that we obviously don't deserve/don't need a personal gift and/or that she thinks that we don't do enough for good causes and therefore need to be made by her to donate to charity.

It would be totally different if she had asked us if we wanted her to do this. We would probably have agreed and suggested that we did the same for her.

Have just had a gushing thank you in from her re the gift we sent her.

There is a slight complication in that she also sends our DCs small gifts. (She doesn't have any DC.)

I didn't say anything the first time and I think I either speak up now or accept that this is going to keep happening. So, AIBU to wonder whether to respond:

1 thanks for the donation to charity you made on our behalf . We'll be doing the same for you for birthdays and Christmases from now on, and let us know if you would prefer a charitable donation or personal gift from the DC.

2 let's forget about Christmas and birthday presents between us adults from now on. Let us know if you would prefer a charitable donation or personal gift from the DC.

3 say nothing, continue to buy her personal gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and have the same kind of resentful feelings every time she unilaterally donates to charity on our behalf?

Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
blueberryporridge · 03/01/2017 09:45

Thanks again for the comments.

For those who think I am grabby, can I just say yet again that I am really not bothered about receiving a gift from her. I do agree that Christmas gift giving can get a bit out of hand and I am quite happy not to receive gifts or just get something token, especially when people are buying things for my DC. (Albeit that I have always bought individual presents for parents and children - close relatives and friends - even when I was single or before we had our DC.)

It's more the fact that she has chosen to give to charity on my behalf without any consultation with me, as to me that seems high-handed and a bit "holier than thou". If she had suggested a donation to charity in advance, I would have agreed and suggested doing the same for her.

I was (very) tempted by some of the replies suggested above since my last post but instead have just said thanks very much for our gifts and left it at that. I am prepared to believe the comments from some posters that her donation was well-motivated, and have moved on.

She will be getting a charity donation from me for birthdays and Christmas from now on, not as a way of having a dig at her but because she obviously thinks they are a good idea.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Katy07 · 03/01/2017 09:46

I must be the only person on the planet who wouldn't have an issue with receiving a charity gift.
Not quite - I think it's miles better than someone buying me something that I don't want or need. Admittedly if they'd donated to a charity that I really don't like (can't think of any but say something supporting terrorists for the sake of argument) I'd not be too chuffed, but the idea of someone giving a gift is surely that they get to choose. The recipient can then mention causes they do support in future...
But obviously plenty of posters here are still grabby materialistic individuals Sad

notanetter · 03/01/2017 09:47

Does your husband care get a say in what gifts are given to his sister?

elQuintoConyo · 03/01/2017 09:48

Yabu. And grow up. You just sound sniffy that you didn't get something expensive to unwrap

Original poster
blueberryporridge · 03/01/2017 09:53

Actually, just thinking again about the last sentence of my last post, I think I might ask her nearer her birthday and Christmas if she would prefer a charity donation to a gift rather than just going ahead and doing it.

OP posts:
notanetter · 03/01/2017 09:56

I think I might ask her nearer her birthday and Christmas if she would prefer a charity donation to a gift rather than just going ahead and doing it.

Asking her, rather than mumsnet - how novel!
At the same time, why don't you also say what you would prefer, be that a personal gift, or nothing at all? Because unless you have already done that and she's ignored you, I can't see what she's done wrong, at all.

Original poster
blueberryporridge · 03/01/2017 09:58

Does your husband care/get a say in what gifts are given to his sister?

Yes, he goes to a lot of effort every year (birthday and Christmas) to buy her something nice that he thinks she will like - often a selection of things. He quite often asks her in advance what she would like and buys her that as part of a range of things he sends her.

He was more than a bit miffed to get a charity donation instead of a gift too but it is up to him what he does in the future.

I just wanted to decide what my approach would be in the future as I have been in the habit of getting her something separate from DH's gifts. I have decided now, thanks.

You just sound sniffy that you didn't get something expensive to unwrap
Nope, not my objection at all - see above!

OP posts:
Sahhhhh · 03/01/2017 09:59

For those who think I am grabby, can I just say yet again that I am really not bothered about receiving a gift from her

Clearly you are otherwise you couldn't care that she gave a charity donation

pipsqueak25 · 03/01/2017 10:01

why do people give presents, only to then come on here and bitch about it ? Smile you are adults, just stop doing it !

elQuintoConyo · 03/01/2017 10:04

He was more than a bit miffed to get a charity donation instead of a gift too

Grabby grabby grabby.

notanetter · 03/01/2017 10:10

We gave her a very nice (and quite expensive) gift which she has said she loves.

So by 'we', you actually mean... who? You? Your husband?

FatalKittehCharms · 03/01/2017 10:15

You are more into gifts then she is. People are different.

Not sure how OP is more into gifts than SIL when SIL is the one who requests expensive gifts for her and her DH? Confused

OP, when you ask her if she wants a charity gift and she says no, please do tell her that can we also forego the charity gifts for you and DH in that case, as you're not that keen on them either.

Original poster
blueberryporridge · 03/01/2017 10:17

Grabby, grabby, grabby

Please, yet again: it's not the lack of personal gift to me. It's the unilateral, high-handed approach that was the problem.

I am the least grabby person I know to be honest. I have spent my adult life trying to live ethically and supporting good causes (with money I could often ill afford, and often causing me a lot of inconvenience too - strict vegetarian, fair trade, cruelty-free etc , environmental etc). I also give most of my spare time to supporting causes I think are important. I enjoy giving people generous presents but am not expecting stuff in return.

I couldn't give a stuff about getting gifts from people. In fact, the commercialism of Christmas makes me feel a bit ill sometimes. But I do think that Christmas is a time to show your close friends and family that you appreciate them. It's her attitude which bothered me as it seemed high-handed to me.

But I have taken on board the comments supporting her and moved on.

OP posts:
Sahhhhh · 03/01/2017 10:21

It's her attitude which bothered me as it seemed high-handed to me

Drip feed now because people think you are grabby Grin

dinosaurcookie · 03/01/2017 10:23

I agree with the op...someone asking for a specific present and then deciding which charity they feel you should support is a bit irritating. Basically the giver gets the present that they want and gets to donate to a charity of their choosing while passing it off as a present. I think charity gifts are fine (and have been done in my family) but only if you have thought about which charity would be important to the person you are gifting to rather than whatever cause is closest to your own heart.

Northernpowerhouse · 03/01/2017 10:28

Sorry I am a bit late to this thread and i see that you have already decided what to do but thought my experience might interest you. I had the exact scenario with my sis several years ago. I felt exactly as you do and so did my other Sisses. we decided not to say anything but started buying her charity gifts as well. After about 2 years she stopped giving charity gifts - caught us all out on that one! - and returned to personal gifts, as did we the following year!
Problem solved!

Simonneilsbeard · 03/01/2017 10:28

I assume when the op said 'we' she meant both her and her husband, jointly using the joint family finances, therefore it's a joint gift.

Op I think letting your children choose a gift for her (or you choose and say it's from them ) and donating to a charity on her behalf is a lovely idea.

Isadora2007 · 03/01/2017 10:28

I'd say that as she is buying for your children then it's only fair you buy her a gift too... and the charity gift is one you both benefit from as you support that charity anyway so presumably are pleased they get further help and she gets the feel good factor too.
If you're really fussy mean you can always let yourself off from a donation and treat yourself to something in lieu.
I wouldn't risk hurting her feelings messaging her as you suggested as you just sound pretty horrible about it all. She has thanked you and Is delighted... surely the point of giving is to have that kind of response?

Laquila · 03/01/2017 10:31

Interesting. I also wouldn't be offended to receive a charity gift, unless, as a pp said, it was in support of what I considered to be an undeserving cause, which is unlikely.

My gabfparents receive at least 3/4 charity gifts every Christmas and are delighted with them. They're 90-odd and have everything they need. They've always given a lot to charity and sponsored children in developing countries since before it was cool (JOKING...) and they're the kind of people who are genuinely thrilled to read about the benefits that their donation will bring. It'd be boring if we were all the same, I guess.

pictish · 03/01/2017 10:32

All the people here accusing you of being grabby and so on would all be delighted to receive a charitable donation on their behalf as a gift when they had chosen carefully and spent out on a thoughtful, personal gift for the recipient.
Of course they would. That's why it's totally fine to insult you now OP...because they're all so...charitable like that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/01/2017 10:42

I agree with Isadora actually; you have two children OP, they have none. They're buying more presents than you and perhaps, in the interests of fairness, you should concede the receiving of gifts from them for you and your husband, in favour of your children.

It's obviously really bugging you both so this situation can't continue as it is. The simplest - and most widely used system - seems to be buying for children only. That seems to work, no more adult presents. We do this in our family because adults can buy their own. Birthday presents are different.

Find something that works and is agreeable to the whole family, OP.

QueenLizIII · 03/01/2017 10:43

4 pages of posts Confused

She never asked you if you wanted a charity gift so you dont need to ask her back. you dont need approval for a present before you buy it

She buys your children small gifts. Buy her a small gift and donate to a charity.

You dont need to ssk her as she never asks you.

FatalKittehCharms · 03/01/2017 10:50

Sahhh

It's her attitude which bothered me as it seemed high-handed to me

Drip feed now because people think you are grabby Grin

It's not a drip feed. Do you actually know what 'high-handed' means, Sahhh? OP says in her OP that it's as if SIL 'thinks that we don't do enough for good causes and therefore need to be made by her to donate to charity.'

Isadora2007 · 03/01/2017 10:52

You also say "I'm the least grabby person" so maybe actually your SIL is being thoughtful and realises you are like that and the charity gift is actually deliberately to show you she realises that you're a nice person and she appreciates that you're nice so is doing the charity gift with a lot of thought and care. She has maybe even chosen the charity as youve mentioned supporting them?
I'd be delighted anyone thought about me in that way to know that I would indeed rather someone had a goat or a meal than I get a smelly candle or some bath bombs...

Rachel0Greep · 03/01/2017 10:53

I wouldn't want to receive a donation to charity as a gift. I give more than I receive for birthdays, and Christmas, as a childless sister and aunt. That doesn't bother me. I genuinely like looking for gifts that I know others will like.

But, I repeat, I would not want a donation to charity as a gift.

OP, if I were you, I would ask her before her birthday / Christmas, which charity she would like you to give a donation to, on her behalf.