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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that I really don't want this kind of Christmas gift again?

143 replies

blueberryporridge · 03/01/2017 00:24

SIL has, for the second time, given DH and me a charity donation to well-known charity (overseas aid) as our Christmas gift.

We gave her a very nice (and quite expensive) gift which she has said she loves.

I actually support this particular charity - I have made regular monthly donations to them for 20+ years plus I support their emergency appeals whenever I can.

But the fact is that she didn't ask us whether we wanted this donation as our gift. She doesn't know which charities we support (or that we support any, in fact).

As I see it, she is getting two gifts by doing this - she gets one actual gift from us and another from herself in the form of her feeling good about giving money to a charity of her choice.

I am sure if I was a better person I would be delighted at making this donation to charity but it actually makes me feel kind of worthless - as if she thinks that we obviously don't deserve/don't need a personal gift and/or that she thinks that we don't do enough for good causes and therefore need to be made by her to donate to charity.

It would be totally different if she had asked us if we wanted her to do this. We would probably have agreed and suggested that we did the same for her.

Have just had a gushing thank you in from her re the gift we sent her.

There is a slight complication in that she also sends our DCs small gifts. (She doesn't have any DC.)

I didn't say anything the first time and I think I either speak up now or accept that this is going to keep happening. So, AIBU to wonder whether to respond:

1 thanks for the donation to charity you made on our behalf . We'll be doing the same for you for birthdays and Christmases from now on, and let us know if you would prefer a charitable donation or personal gift from the DC.

2 let's forget about Christmas and birthday presents between us adults from now on. Let us know if you would prefer a charitable donation or personal gift from the DC.

3 say nothing, continue to buy her personal gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and have the same kind of resentful feelings every time she unilaterally donates to charity on our behalf?

Or AIBU?

OP posts:
SecondsLeft · 03/01/2017 08:28

Up to DH to discuss when he is discussing her christmas wish list next year probably? 'Oh don't get the charity donation gift for us this year - donate if you want, but perhaps you would buy us xyz.' And scale back on adult gifts, saves a lot of money and unwanted gifts.

FatalKittehCharms · 03/01/2017 08:30

YANBU OP. Definitely get her a charity gift.

Plus you say she gets your DC something small, so I am imagining crayons. Small gifts are fine, but it's a bit rich to ask for expensive gifts in return for her and her DH.

SquitMcJit · 03/01/2017 08:41

I agree with noenergy.

As she doesn't have kids but you do and she is kindly giving your children gifts she really doesn't need to be giving you and your partner gifts too at all. Of course she can do what she likes if she wants to choose something for adults too, but if you are talking in terms of " equivalent" gifts (!) then wouldn't it be fairer if you just said to her " It's lovely that you choose something for our children, please don't worry about getting adult presents for us from now on, but we/ our kids ( however you do it) would love to choose you a present". No goats involved.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/01/2017 08:52

If you much prefer giving presents than receiving them why are you making this fuss?

I've said why in my OP

No , your OP is just an aggrieved rant that you are losing out.

MrEBear · 03/01/2017 08:54

I would suggest that she stops buying for you and DH but continues to buy for your DC. However it would be unreasonable to stop buying for her if she is buying for your kids.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2017 08:55

Id go with 2.

Sammyislost · 03/01/2017 08:56

Your reply should be like this 'Your ever so kind and thoughtful gift of a charitable donation has inspired me! From now on, let's ONLY do charity gifts for each other? Together, we will make the world a better place. One shitty 'non-gift' at a time.'

haha. okay, maybe not.

I wouldn't buy her real gifts any more. She can start collecting a whole herd of imaginary goats over the years instead. Don't buy her a present from your children either, get them to make her a bauble or something. Charity gifts are a cop out. I'd be offended if I had purchased a real gift and been given nothing in return.

notanetter · 03/01/2017 08:56

I'm amused at the fact that her thank you note is a particular grievance.

I can just imagine how peeved the OP would have been had she not had the courtesy to say thank you...

Fartleks · 03/01/2017 08:59

Non of the options. No need to discuss it. Just buy her a charity donation as she quite likes them.

Fartleks · 03/01/2017 09:01

It's perfectly fine if that's what she wants to do. And it's perfectly acceptable if you want to do the same for her. Just say thankyou with no comment.

Fartleks · 03/01/2017 09:02

You are more into gifts then she is. People are different.

KP86 · 03/01/2017 09:02

I must be the only person on the planet who wouldn't have an issue with receiving a charity gift. In fact, my life would be a hell of a lot simpler if we decided to all donate £100 to a charity instead of exchanging silly token gifts. I have enough stuff in my life already!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/01/2017 09:03

I would buy her a REAL goat, and let it shit on her clean carpet. That will teach her a lesson she won't forget in a hurry.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/01/2017 09:04

You are more into gifts then she is

That's very obvious. Will you be complaining next year if she doesn't buy your children gifts?

StripySocks1 · 03/01/2017 09:04

My aunt sent me and my DH a charity gift donation to a charity that we would never support, (it was a religious charity and we're atheists) when we got married. As far as we were concerned she'd given herself a gift and it was really difficult to find the words to say thank you, especially as it was over £100 which we could have really used ourselves at that point.

Fartleks · 03/01/2017 09:06

If you really want something. About September time text her and ask if she could buy x book for xmas or some warm gloves or what ever.

overwhelmed34 · 03/01/2017 09:10

Er....the op has very thoughtfully and graciously accepted everyone else's point of view...so maybe we can lay off her now?!

orangepudding · 03/01/2017 09:12

My sister in law was going through a really virtuous stage. We bought her a charity gift as we genuinely thought she would like it. She nearly cried as all family members and some friends had bought her the same!

KurriKurri · 03/01/2017 09:14

I would guess she thinks you send her a gift, she sends your kids a gift, that is an exchange of gifts, then she throws in a charity donation for good measure.
So from her point of view she maybe thinks this is an equal exchange.

I have no problem with donations being made to charity instead of gifts - but I like to pick my charities. I have had dubious experiences with some and would avoid them. And my personal preference is for smaller local charities which have specific needs and get less than the major charities. I also like to donate to one of causes such as disasters and donate in practical terms (ie things other than money) where that is requested.

So I wouldn't be thrilled if someone donated to something I don't approve of in my name. I think it's rather a personal thing.
She needs to ask you which charities you would like to support if she is going that route.

Fartleks · 03/01/2017 09:15

Stripy I think I would have to speak up if that were the situation. I'd probably thank her and ask them to give to give to x charity if they are keen to do charitable giving.

Lorelei76 · 03/01/2017 09:20

A charity gift is weird if you've not been asked which charity - or indeed if any. I tend to give food and stuff to the local refuge and I volunteer but if money went "on my behalf" to a large charity, I'd be quite annoyed.

however, in reality all she has done is donate to charity. I would have a polite word and say "i'm sure you meant this kindly but it would be nice to be consulted about the charity - unless you want to just drop gifts generally" and see how it goes. I don't believe in Xmas gifts anyway as so often it is just a money exchange.

I don't agree that she's got 2 gifts but she has blatantly not given you a gift because by not asking you what charity you might support, she's effectively simply donated herself to her own thing which I presume she'd have done regardless of Xmas.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2017 09:24

Honestly, I think you sound a bit grabby. All gift giving provides a feel good factor, all gift giving is a unilateral decision by the giver unless they ask what someone wants, and you don't ask her so why should she ask you?

She takes the time to buy and give your kids gifts and she makes a charitable donation in uour name, but you'd rather she didn't give to charity and gave to you instead and are complaining about it, nice. Now you've decided to "be gracious " about it? 🙄

TheMortificadosDragon · 03/01/2017 09:36

If you're 'given' a charity donation, can either you or the person who bought it gift aid it? If not, then it'd make a lot more sense for you to agree with her to each do a charity gift yourselves.

Grinat the can of worms!

Upanddownroundandround · 03/01/2017 09:40

I think you need to grow up a bit actually and stop thinking about yourself so much. Are you desperately in need of a gift, are you very hard up? Are you as hard up as the person who will have received some part of the charity donation that your SIL has given? If not then perhaps just think of the good that the money will be doing compared to whatever gift you would have liked? If it's that big a deal to you to receive something then deduct the cost of the gift you want from the amount from the donation that you give every month and go and buy it for yourself. But I would recommend just growing up a bit and putting others before yourself. Just because you already give to charity yourself doesn't give you a halo and make you deserving of gifts.

tooclosetocall · 03/01/2017 09:42

AIBU to say that I really don't want this kind of Christmas gift again?
No, you're not BU.

How about Option 1, re-worded slightly Smile
Thanks for the donation to charity you made on our behalf. DH & I have been thinking of doing the same for Christmases, and possibly for birthdays too. Let us know if you would prefer a donation to a particular charity of your choice. This is a super gift idea for adults, thanks again.

Why not. Either she will think it's great or she won't.
You're not lying. You're thanking her and admitting that you're thinking about doing the same. And it is a great gift idea goat giving excluded

Or, cease with the adult gift-giving altogether.
Definitely one or the other. Keeping quiet wouldn't be an option at all for me. There's always a solution Wink

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