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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my 12 year old cousin shouldn't trash ds's room and leave it looking like this!!

58 replies

RoystonVaseySmegHead · 02/01/2017 16:22

I do love my cousin but he's a pain in the arse. He's got Aspergers and I understand that he doesn't do things the same way as other people do. I have 1000% respect for him because I know how much he struggles some days but he carries on and doesn't get himself in a fit like he used to and stuff... so this is NOT an autism bashing thread before anyone flames me for that. but when he comes up for just half an hour with dgm he runs all round the house including my bedroom (which he's been told not to go in every time he comes here) then he gets ds to start throwing Lego downstairs and little toys, then when dgm asked him to help tidy up (granted ds is 3 so he didn't do much at all) he leaves ds's room in this state. You can't open the door even 3/4 of the way and His bedding isn't even on the fucking bed!! I know for a fact he can tidy up, Hoover, dust, wash pots etc coz he does it at home so WHY does he think this is acceptable here?! Not once in the 4 months we've lived here has ds made this much mess on his own and he knows not to tip all his toys out at once. All the little pieces of his castle are everywhere and when dgm asked if ds's room was put straight dcousin said it was 😡 Why does he treat my house like a fu king playground when he doesn't do it at home or at gdms house?! Now I've got to sort all this shit out myself. Every time he comes up he ends up making a bloody big mess. Wibu to ask he doesn't come anymore? They've trashed my room too 😡😡😡

OP posts:
OhSuckItUpDucky · 02/01/2017 16:26

Id supervise / go in and check up on them more regularly so it didn't reach that state

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2017 16:29

If you can't trust him to behave in a way you'd like then you need to supervise more. Especially about things like tidying up.

Bettyspants · 02/01/2017 16:31

Loads of supervision and some clear rule setting before he next comes over

Original poster
RoystonVaseySmegHead · 02/01/2017 16:32

They were upstairs for literally 10/15 minutes, jst while me and dgm had a cuppa 😣😣😣

OP posts:
KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 02/01/2017 16:32

Don't invite him round.

He's not 5, he's 12.

Meet in a soft play centre.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 02/01/2017 16:33

Or put locks on the doors.

BakeOffBiscuits · 02/01/2017 16:35

Sorry but you need to check the rooms before he leaves and make sure he tidys them.

I used to do this with several of my DDs' "exuberant" friends, as their rooms would be left in such a mess.

dollydaydream114 · 02/01/2017 16:38

I think you need to check the rooms before he leaves, and then supervise him tidying up and explain why you're making him do this. As you say, if he can be tidy and do chores at home and at his grandma's, he can do them at your house too.

bumsexatthebingo · 02/01/2017 16:40

YABU. He goes in your bedroom when you've asked him not to so he wouldn't be allowed to go upstairs in my house.
Enforce some rues and make sure he tidys any mess up - don't just take his word for it.
It sounds as though your ds was making a lot of mess as well. Its not unusual for kids to act differently when they are around other kids but he is 3 and he doesn't HAVE to throw toys around because someone tells him to.

Urbannightmare · 02/01/2017 16:42

Off topic but love the wallpaper!

ChicRock · 02/01/2017 16:43

It's quite simple - he doesn't leave your sight whilst he's at your house.

Have a nice cuppa with your dgm when he's not around.

Alternatively let him run riot, then before he leaves, stand over him giving clear instructions to tidy up.

I know which one I'd prefer to do.

missyB1 · 02/01/2017 16:48

He cant be trusted so dont trust him. Either make him stay downstairs or tell him clearly and firmly in advance that he is going to be cleaning up before he goes home, then stand over him whilst he does it.

876TaylorMade · 02/01/2017 16:48

I'd say he's not to come again.

He's old enough to know that's unacceptable.

user1483046088 · 02/01/2017 16:51

Children are not allowed up stairs in my home we have a play room witch all have to tidy before they leave if they won't I ask the parents to do it

gillybeanz · 02/01/2017 17:00

That room doesn't look trashed to me, maybe I have lower standards.
I can't get through dd bedroom door atm, she is 13 in 2 days.
She too has Aspergers and ADHD.
YABU and should make allowances/ ask the adult with your cousin to tidy up or do it yourself. or you could go up and help him tidy before he goes.

Nanna50 · 02/01/2017 17:05

They did that in 10 or 15 minutes without making a noise or raising suspicion? They have done it before but were left unsupervised? I can understand your frustration but he clearly needs boundaries which he may have elsewhere.

gillybeanz · 02/01/2017 17:08

Sorry OP, I know you aren't bashing here.
Others who are being harsh, you try doing something you are practically incapable of doing and then take criticism and judgement from people who don't know you. This is what many children with an asd face on a daily basis.
Some are even punished or left out because of it. Others are supported well, allowances made and treated with patience.

All my children have been brought up having to tidy up after themselves it was a rule right from them being able to pick a toy up and play with it.
I've helped them, taught them, and supported them.
Two of them have an asd, the other one doesn't.
Lets guess which is the only one capable of doing this, even though one of them is 22.
So comments like he's 12 and not 5 are hardly helping.

OP, please don't stop him from coming round, I know it can be hard work and a drag, but your cousin will meet enough prejudice throughout his life.
You sound caring enough to start this thread, please help to support and educate this young man Thanks

bumsexatthebingo · 02/01/2017 17:08

Agree that 'trashed' is a bit much. That is what rooms generally look like when kids have been playing before they are tidied isn't it? Unless you insist on one toy being taken out, played with and then put away before the next one can be taken out which stifles creative play imo
The issue here is that you are allowing the child to go into your room (by allowing him to go upstairs after he has ignored you telling him not to) and you've allowed him to leave without tidying up.

Namechangeemergency · 02/01/2017 17:10

If he does that every time he comes round then he should not be allowed upstairs on his own.

If a child with SN is making a load of mess you wouldn't let them get on with it without supervision and then get annoyed with them. You prevent it happening in the first place.

Otherwise you are just setting them up to fail.

If he is capable of not making that mess/tidying up after himself and he chooses not to then you don't let him do it because he understands the consequences of his actions.

Either way. Don't let him do it.

SN or not, some kids are just allowed to do this at home. I had a kid come round who went into my room, took out my make up and trashed it, pulled DS's clothes out of his cupboard, pulled the bedding off the bed etc.
Lesson learned. I didn't expect it to happen because my kids had never done it.

Raineau · 02/01/2017 17:15

Tell him before he gets to yours that if he doesn't behave and that means listerning to you and tidying up before he goes home then he won't be allowed upstairs next time.
Then if he doesn't listen to you you have to stick with no allowing him up stairs until he changes and tides up.
Lay the rules down if he breaks them then he can stay down stairs with you and give him a pad and pens or put on a film and he can't go up and play. If he behaves give him a chance and see how that goes but if not go back to the down stairs rule.

JanuaryMoods · 02/01/2017 17:15

Show the photo to his gm and say you don't want him there again if he can't behave properly.

Christmassnake · 02/01/2017 17:17

I have 2 friends who's children have done this....actually no 3 friends....so the first two separate occasions,the kids ,have never been invited back..and the 3rd friend I kept the kids exactly where I could see them and a film on...mighty rude....just for the record one of the kids I've never invited back has asd..I don't blame him ,just the mum who's so fucking wet with him it's unbelievable,she should of gone and tidied up for me but chose not to....

galaxygirl45 · 02/01/2017 17:18

I learned the hard way with DDs friends that you don't allow unsupervised play then be cross afterwards when mess gets made - and that applies to all kids, whatever their age or ability. And set boundaries clearly ie "we don't take bedding off the beds in this house" etc.

timelytess · 02/01/2017 17:39

Visitors.
I used to hate them, when dd was small. But they still had to come, can't have 'no social life'.
Supervise.
The worst are 10+ - they can reach things put high up out of the way but don't have the sense to play responsibly.
Asperger's isn't behind this.

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