To think my 12 year old cousin shouldn't trash ds's room and leave it looking like this!!

[RoystonVaseySmegHead]

I do love my cousin but he's a pain in the arse. He's got Aspergers and I understand that he doesn't do things the same way as other people do. I have 1000% respect for him because I know how much he struggles some days but he carries on and doesn't get himself in a fit like he used to and stuff... so this is NOT an autism bashing thread before anyone flames me for that. but when he comes up for just half an hour with dgm he runs all round the house including my bedroom (which he's been told not to go in every time he comes here) then he gets ds to start throwing Lego downstairs and little toys, then when dgm asked him to help tidy up (granted ds is 3 so he didn't do much at all) he leaves ds's room in this state. You can't open the door even 3/4 of the way and His bedding isn't even on the fucking bed!! I know for a fact he can tidy up, Hoover, dust, wash pots etc coz he does it at home so WHY does he think this is acceptable here?! Not once in the 4 months we've lived here has ds made this much mess on his own and he knows not to tip all his toys out at once. All the little pieces of his castle are everywhere and when dgm asked if ds's room was put straight dcousin said it was 😡 Why does he treat my house like a fu king playground when he doesn't do it at home or at gdms house?! Now I've got to sort all this shit out myself. Every time he comes up he ends up making a bloody big mess. Wibu to ask he doesn't come anymore? They've trashed my room too 😡😡😡

I think I must have low standards - that's typically what my ds's bedroom looks like after a while of hard playing...as it should be IMO.

I wouldn't even consider that as 'that' messy for a kids room - 10 minutes and it will be put to rights.

My three nephews aged 3,5 and 9 at the time left DS bedroom in a much worse state than that. We'd just moved back to dhs hometown and mil popped in, the kids pushed straight past, ran upstairs straight to DDs room (found out later they knew which room it was cos mil had picked our keys up to be helpful, but was regularly taking them round to play in DDs room and her stuff we'd been sending through gradually, explains why all of DDs things were unpacked and many broken though) and started emptying everything out, jumping on it, shouting rah rah rah etc, bedding off the beds, clothes pulled out of cupboards, mils walked into kitchen to put kettle on and I was stood stunned. Dd (3) was in her doorway sobbing and when it became clear wasn't going to anything I went up, kids took the piss mimicking me when I was telling them to give over, I told them to leave. Mil wasn't impressed (and quite shocked cos I'm a pushover) but nope, that's not gonna be a regular thing. I didn't stop my nephews coming but I never allowed them back upstairs again and I made it clear why every time mil moaned. I'd have toys that didn't matter if broken out for them or went missing as youngest always wanted to take DDs toys with him and they'd not get given back and we had our cuppa in same room. Whole thing took two minute ps but the mess they left took hours to clean? They didn't behave like that in their own home or mils and it was a shock as I'd only ever seen them be polite.

I love them all, but was super pissed off that day. It doesn't sound like you're nephew has been told he can't do it? So could it be his his Aspergers means he's not breaking a boundary because the boundary isn't there? You don't seem to feel it's linked to his Aspergers,mwhich it may not be but either way I wouldn't stop him coming, but I'd stop the playing upstairs, and not back down. Maybe also have a chat to DS that he shouldn't do things he knows he's not allowed to because another child is, if DS isn't allowed to chuck Lego down the stairs when your cousin isn't there, he shouldn't do it when he is type thing.

I badly worded last post, what I meant about the boundary not being there, is that it doesn't sound like its reinforced like it may be at grand and his own home. The reason he tidies away at home could be because it's part of his routines and is enforced, whereas at yours it doesn't sound like its enforced other than a "don't go in my room, don't make a mess" type thing, which for a NT 12 year old is easier to follow.

Could it be the lack of structure and routine during visits that has him running about? Is it a coping thing? Maybe having things downstairs with less choices would be more comforting and calmer for him?

To everyone saying to check rooms before he leaves, he's like the perfect child at his and dgm's house, always tidies up after himself no matter what he's doing, and he always puts it back where it lives iyswim? So I didn't think I'd need to stand over him and make sure he did it, I'd expect him to at least put the covers back on the bed (there was a huge pile of toys under the quilt like it'd been shoved over the top to hide them) the draws had been emptied of the clothes I spend 3 hours washing drying and ironing yesterday and shoved under the bed and compared to the mess DS usually makes it is trashed. Ds will empty one box and carpet the floor with what's inside then when he runs out of space he'll ask for help to put the toys away so he's got space to do something else, which I think is great even if I do end up doing 99% of the tidying... it's just really annoyed me that any other time they play the rooms never looked like that before, and dcousin lied and said it was tidy when he obviously knew it wasn't 😣 They were making noise Like they always do but I trusted dcousin to put it tidyish at least! it's never pristine but it's never looked like that even when they've been playing for 45 minutes/an hour. Obviously I'd never say he couldn't come I just wish he was less chaotic sometimes when he knows what is and isn't acceptable

My DD had ( s) a friend who is not nt. At that age I would supervise and help with clean up , as they grew older friend would start clear up herself ( she told her mum that in Thattime's house it was the rule ).

But you did say in your op that every time he comes he ends up making a big mess. Why would it be different this time? I'm still not sure why you let him play upstairs when he always leaves a mess and goes into your room without permission?
Maybe he knows in other houses he wouldn't get away with trashing the place but in yours he does because you are allowing him to make it then tidying it up.
Just tell him next time he comes that because he won't stop going in your room and leaves the place in a state he'll have to stay where you can watch him.

We have this with my nephew, everything is pristine and just so at home, and here, yet when visiting my sisters he will leave destruction behind him and ignore adults.
It's like he is two different children.
Next time he visits I would be very specific that they only go in the one room and put away what they get out. Clear warning, if rules aren't followed then there will be no more playing on visits.

children playing and making a mess?? outrageous

bran it's not the MAKING mess I have an issue with. It's a 12 year old LEAVING this mess after being told to tidy up I have a problem with.
In the op i meant he always makes a mess (which I'm fine with) but he's never left a mess like this for me to deal with, to whoever said that, and I can't really sort stuff out before he comes because I get 10/15 minutes notice before he's here and I'm usually halfway through something else or spending the time putting the room/ kitchen straight so I don't get moaned at by dgm (she can't stand clutter and I'm a pretty messy person)

Its hard Op tho isn't it, unfortunately you had it easy there..
I learnt the hard way too, no kids (all NT) playing upstairs after one memorable afternoon with 4 other boys (4yrs old) and my eldest, their mums down stairs drinking coffee etc
No photos, didn't have a camera at the time, my mobile phone was just that, a phone, no camera on it back then..
Toy box emptied, all on floor.
Box of wet wipes and box of tissues , whole packet of nappies (clean!!) you literally couldnt see the carpet!!
Didnt happen again...!!

I'd be making him come all the way back and tidy it up. He wouldn't do it again in a hurry. If she refuses to bring him back, they wouldn't be welcome in my house in future. Aspergers or not he is bloody 12! Old enough to clean up after himself and to know right from wrong. The barefaced lies would piss me right off.

"Aspergers or not he is bloody 12”

There is so much info out there about ASD, why do people still trot out the same comments?
12 and NT, yes fair point, 12 and AS? Completely different kettle of fish and cannot be judged by NT standards, to do so is setting the boy up to fail.

Just because he is able to tidy up in other places doesn't mean it will make sense to do the same in another setting.
Have you ever told him clearly what your expectations are? Could you talk to your dGM and ask if they have any ideas how to work towards a solution?

He's 12 and he essentially lied about having tidied up. I would absolutely be ringing his parents (or DGM if that's who he is living with) and explain the situation. I'd expect an apology from him and for his guardian to give some sort of sanction, whatever guardian knows is appropriate for him.

If that was my child who had trashed someone else's house and then lied about tidying, I'd be livid. If my child was not NT and had a capability issue re tidying up, I would want to do it myself (at the time) as I am responsible for my children.

So, lesson learned I guess? No unsupervised playing upstairs, or if you do allow it you need to check before they leave.

YANBU to be pissed off though, I would be too.

You don't grow out of ASD. Pig ignorance, on the other hand, can be overcome by educating yourself.

It doesn't look that bad if you haven't told both of them to tidy up when they're done playing YABVU.

I'm trying to figure out what level of ability your nephew has. On the one hand you can't make assumptions about what children with ASCs will or wont do, he may not generalise rules well from one place to another. Does he ever tidy up? He may not know it's expected, or he may not know how to tidy up, where things go etc. He may not even realise that putting thing back in the box they came from applies in your house! But on the other hand he is not usually this untidy? So from what you say it might be enough if you gave him some clear instructions about what behaviour you expect as soon as he arrives? No throwing. No going in your room (it may help if you walk round and show him which rooms he can go in) All toys tidied up at the end. That kind of thing. And do check afterwards and let him see you checking and get him to tidy. Don't ask him a question if you can find out by looking yourself, for a child with poor theory of mind that's an open invitation to tell a (perfectly obvious) lie.

Failing that, you might have to keep him downstairs and supervise closely.

You may also need to have some words with his grandmother. Turning up with no notice isn't really on, and it's none of her business whether your kitchen is tidy or not. On the other hand if she is obsessively tidy then maybe the ordinary untidiness in your house is triggering him and confusing him so you really do need time to tidy toys away and put the right things out for him before they arrive. And his grandmother should remind him how to behave before they visit.

PS I meant does he ever tidy up in your house?

You need to set firm boundaries as soon as he arrives. So he understands what he can and cannot do.

If you don't want him upstairs then tell him that he can't go upstairs and he has to play downstairs this time. If he then sets foot on the stairs, remind him again.

Or that he can play upstairs but he must agree to a) not throw toys and b) tidy up before he leaves. He must agree to this before you let him go upstairs. Your DS must be given the same instructions to help reinforce it.

A child with ASD will find it extremely difficult to transfer a boundary. So he's told not to run in a corridor it will apply to that particular corridor at that particular time.

So he will need a boundary chat everytime he comes to your house until he's established that is expected in his mind.

From what you've said this is entirely possibly. But he needs you to establish those boundaries for him until he understands. So you need one ear to him all the time he's at your house certainly in the short term. If you want a bit relax and cuppa then softplay is a better meetup option.

His age is a red herring. My DS1(age 11) who has ASD is more socially immature than my DS2 (age 8).

'You meet one child with Autism, you've met one child with Autism'.
No two are alike and they will act and respond totally differently in differing situations.
He has always been told/made/learned to tidy at home - I'd bet that took years of instilling that you haven't been privy to, cousin or not. He's been allowed to 'messy play' at yours, not consciously by you, but it has happened and no amount of telling otherwise will change that, be he 2,12 or 42. That is the designation your house has been given.
I think you're brilliant - too many others would put up barriers and stop him from coming but you're seeing the person not the diagnosis.
I would ask is it possible to sit with him before they leave yours, preferably in your son's room, and point out to him where things go? Make him tidy up, no shouting or tempers, just calm tones and with authority.
'The bedding goes on the bed', pointing at the bedding and the bed. 'The toys go in the box', pointing at the toys and the toybox' etc. Make him do it, be prepared for tantrums and possible meltdowns - if you aren't able to recognise the difference between the two, ask your gm to guide you. It's also something that you should be prepared to do every time he visits... I liken it to clutch control - all of a sudden, it will click and he'll do it without prompting. It probably won't be to your own standards but he'll have tried and that's the important thing!

On behalf of your cousin and other children who fight their daily battles I commend you

wicked I honestly really do love him to bits, he's come so far in the last 6 months it's like he's gone from being a very clever 4 year old to being a very clever 9/10 year old so he's made some really massive improvements while his home life's been really unpredictable and I'm so proud of him. I guess I forget he's not as forward thinking as other 12 year olds I know, and I feel rubbish for being so cross when it's not a huge thing, and obviously I'd never stop him coming round because he really is lovely, I just wish I'd get a bit more notice when they were coming, because I've got to think about what they can do together that they won't argue over and there's enough things to do for both of them not to get bored while tidying up to keep dgm happy, it's a pain. But bless dp he came in from work last night when me and ds were out with my dad and tidied it all up for when ds got home so that's one less think to do today ☺️

It's a bit of mess though, that's all, just untidiness. Surely there are far worse crimes? Why is it the worst thing in the world if kids don't tidy up after themselves? If this is so important to you then you need to set strict boundaries, I have no idea why you felt the need to post photos of it. That is really odd.