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AIBU?

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Original poster

To worry I'm not pushy enough

230 replies

cherrycrumblecustard · 02/01/2017 15:36

I had very pushy parents and I always vowed I wouldn't be the same, but I'm worried I might be setting my DC up to underachieve or fail.

I don't insist on homework being done, and I don't really ask/fuss about levels or anything like that. I guess that's okay for primary but should I try to get more involved as secondary looms closer?

OP posts:
lljkk · 03/01/2017 18:48

@Cherrycrumblecustard, You went to Uni (& so probably did A-levels) but never did self-directed study? No research, no essays, no revision, no independent reading, no practice exam questions, nothing? Confused All of your degree efforts were just paying attention while sitting in lectures & otherwise taking exams, nothing else?

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 18:50

As I said to me the above isn't really homework :)

OP posts:
lljkk · 03/01/2017 18:55

My kids who hate homework hate the self-directe self-discipline aspects. For them, doing homework uses the same skillset that would be required for all of the self-directed efforts needed for A-levels or Uni. It's one and the same type of experience.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 18:56

That's the difference I suppose I don't remember having tasks to complete for the sake of it at university or a levels

OP posts:
lljkk · 03/01/2017 18:56

ps: what is homework to you, Cherry, then?

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 18:57

Task set by a teacher twice a week or so often meaningless with a deadline

OP posts:
BIgBagofJelly · 03/01/2017 18:58

I'm against homework for primary school children and would definitely not insist on my DD (4) doing any as she's simply too tired after school. That said if the school does set homework for older children I'll probably insist on it getting done, (to a time level that doesn't interfere with sleep, social life and other interests) as I can't change the system and will have to work within it to a certain extent.

I definitely emphasise effort rather than result and encourage my DD to find something that interests her enough that she wants to work at it. I would also hope that she's self motivated and I try not to bias her in any particular direction. Not sure if that counts as pushy or not.

NicknameUsed · 03/01/2017 19:06

I am probably a lot older than you, and did my A levels in 1977. I most definitely got homework back then. I had a lot of essays to write. Do you not consider that homework?

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 19:08

Well, my college didn't call it homework, anyway. But mostly it was coursework. Can't really remember, it was ages ago and all that :) I did my a levels 1998-2000.

OP posts:
GetAHaircutCarl · 03/01/2017 19:12

My lawyer DH is currently doing homework.

In that he is at home. And it's work. He's revising a document for a meeting tomorrow. I.e. An arbitrary deadline.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 19:15

You know not very bit of work done at home is homework don't you?

If your husbands boss wanted him to complete a pointless task for the sake of it would he do it?

OP posts:
lljkk · 03/01/2017 19:20

I have this discussion a lot with a friend who Home-Eds her kids.
She's strongly of the opinion (I know other HErs are different) that kids only learn what they want to, and they will learn when they see the point, there's no point in dragging them to learning they don't see point of.

I know when I was at (school &) Uni I had to learn things that I profoundly didn't see the point of. As far as I was concerned, it was silly work (liberal arts degree, so LOTS of silly!).

A lot of that silly stuff I went on to appreciate or use after all Blush. Including stuff I most hated at the time.

Getting seemingly pointless stuff done is a useful skill, in my mind.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 19:21

I do err towards the side of your friend really. I guess we're just all different.

OP posts:
GetAHaircutCarl · 03/01/2017 19:30

cherry DH is the boss.

But of course clients sometimes ask for utterly pointless things. That's their perogative. As is setting the deadline ( within reason).

I too am called upon to do all manner of tasks that may not seem immediately sensible or reasonable. But I am not the sole arbiter.

That's life.

Do you work?

Astro55 · 03/01/2017 19:47

That's the difference I suppose I don't remember having tasks to complete for the sake of it

But - let's be clear the homework is for your sins benifit isn't it? Research a topic - consolidate maths - learn spellings - practice reading - etc

10 minuets at home is worth 2 hours at school - use his time wisely

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 19:50

Yes but haircut they would not just order him to do random things not linked to his role, like colour something in for them would they?

OP posts:
Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 19:50

I work a bit. Not full time.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 03/01/2017 19:55

Coloring is known to be very calming - a skill for life!! It's a form of escape - also it helps their motor skills - and holdings pencils correctly -

GetAHaircutCarl · 03/01/2017 20:20

I would also add that some of the 'pointless' tasks end up being hugely instructive in the long run.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 20:26

I don't think they are, to be honest. More homework for the sake of it.

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 03/01/2017 20:42

You say " don't think homework makes a difference to academic success!"

Are you for real?

Of course it does. If they don't do it, they could fall behind.
I don't see encouraging children to do the best they can as being 'pushy'. For me it's about making sure they have the 'tools' they need to be able to make their own decisions. If they don't get those important GCSE's, it limits their choices, and I find that really sad.

I don't understand your comment to Coolasachmoola above where you comment on her making a professional opinion.....She is a GCSE teacher, so can make a professional opinion of you as a Mum in that capacity. She probably has years of experience.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 20:43

But her role doesn't involve making professional opinions of parents :)

I am for real, yes, I've seen a few people say they don't think homework makes a difference one way or another. It just seems to be what parents expect.

OP posts:
NicknameUsed · 03/01/2017 20:45

"Can't really remember, it was ages ago and all that smile I did my a levels 1998-2000."

That isn't ages ago. I took mine nearly 40 years ago. I must admit you do come across as not being very supportive of your children's education.

They give detentions at DD's school for not doing homework. As the only way of getting home from school was the dedicated school bus at 3pm DD made sure that she never handed in homework late or missed handing it in. Also the points from the detentions add up and the students miss the rewards days if they end up with negative points from detentions.

Oh, and DD did exceptionally well in her GCSEs. She worked hard, but also received a lot of encouragement and support from me.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 20:47

How would she have got home if she was on detention then? Hypothetically obviously.

It's not that I'm not supportive, just that the sort of support I had was counterproductive so I'm trying not to make the same mistakes with my children. DH was not supported at all and did brilliantly. So it isn't all down to parental input at all.

OP posts:
NicknameUsed · 03/01/2017 20:55

I would have had to drive in the car to fetch her and she would have had an earful and sanctions from me as well as the school.

"DH was not supported at all and did brilliantly. So it isn't all down to parental input at all."

Perhaps he was self motivated, not all children are, and these are the ones who do need support. For example, DD's boyfriend is as brainy as DD is, but he didn't do as well as she did at GCSEs because his parents just let him get on with it without any input or support.

"Well, OK so am I lacking just basic discipline then?"

Going back to this question, yes, I think you are.

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