To worry I'm not pushy enough

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I had very pushy parents and I always vowed I wouldn't be the same, but I'm worried I might be setting my DC up to underachieve or fail.

I don't insist on homework being done, and I don't really ask/fuss about levels or anything like that. I guess that's okay for primary but should I try to get more involved as secondary looms closer?

In primary I never insisted they did homework. Ds1 hated it and it was hours of tears and arguments. So I took the pressure off. I would ask him each day if he had homework and to do it. After that it was up to him. I helped and supported him when he did it. I also said that primary homework is one thing but at secondary that's when homework mattered.

The first few weeks of secondary we set a schedule and he got on with with no problems. He in top sets, and now I have no idea when he dose homework/revision but it's done.

Ds2 just got on with primary homework and the same at secondary now.

I wouldn't worry about unless they were struggling with SPAG or maths.

I'm really sorry if you think I've been smart arsey, I really have not for a second had that as my intention.

I can't always help along if it's maths, he's better than me at it :)

I don't think I have it right, a lot of the time I think I have it very wrong. It's hard to explain but sitting doing formal schoolwork really does make me feel cold. But going to a museum or aquarium doesn't.

Also, you should encourage your son's pride in his work - he wants to please his teacher which is great. He obviously has a good work ethic, a great attitude and sounds like a lovely kid. His teacher is motivating him which is brilliant. If your j0b is just to check he's done it, look over his shoulder and tell him how fab he is then you have it made. He will learn the rewards that his efforts reap and you will have a kid that works hard and loves learning.

Yes v true re positive decisions

Thanks, yes, he is lovely :) I do tell him how well he has done and how fab is work is. I say things like 'have you done anything you're proud of today? Can I see it?'

I don't check they've done it either -

I ask - have you any homework - what are you learning about - did you complete your homework?

I will encourage - if they are learning about victorians for example - I might see a fi on TV or notice a book in the library -

If it's weighing and measuring we might bake cakes or find rocks to compare -

If they are stuck I'll google them or ask on the pages here -

I personally think that homework has a bit to do with having a work ethic and respecting the rules of the institution you chose to join. If homework is set, I always make sure it's done so that my kids understand not bothering or not organising yourself is unacceptable. It's as much about behaviour as academic achievement. My kids have often whinged about it or occasionally shouted/screamed about doing it but when they've gone into class the next day and seen others getting into trouble for not having done it, they've been grateful I made them.

I came from an abusive home. Me doing homework was not top of anyone's list of things to give a shit about.

Finding your own motivation when you've never been taught or modelled motivation is hard. Planning a scheme of work without being shown how to break it down into pieces to make it manageable is really hard. These are life skills that go far beyond school. Yes teachers try their best to teach it but they aren't one on one and they only have so much time for each student.

This all sounds like you're very focused on you, your upbringing and what your mother did. Your children are not you. You are not your mother. Being the opposite of her will not achieve children who are brighter and happier than you it doesn't work like that.

Because I had fuck all decent parenting, perhaps it's easier for me in a way I don't know. I'm not all that interested in bringing my childhood into my parenting. Instead I research and ask others their techniques and start from the standpoint of 'what is objectively best for most children / my child's personality type'.

Not reminding children to do their homework, not helping them to break it down, plan it, or motivate themselves to do it is not good parenting IMO.

Define pushy?
Pushy to me is insisting children do extra curricular activites that are not needed and not wanted by the child. Telling a child that they can always do better (so therefore whatever they do is never good enough) and insisting on the best and highest grades and always expecting a child to be better than everyone else.

Sometimes I do think I'm just being stupid batteries and my mum was just wanting the best for me. Don't know.

OP why don't you reward instead of punish for homework if you don't want to be pushy. I.e. If you do all your homework on time for a month you get a small extra treat?
That way your dc still get to decide when and if they will do it but if they don't they miss out.
That will model more effectively what they need to be able to do for secondary school.
They do need to learn how to be able to plan and manage their out of school time in order to fit in homework and while you are right that it doesnt really matter so much in primary school it's a good skill to have when starting secondary.

Yeah that's a good idea :)

Yoarchie

No attitude or behavioral problems here. They were old enough by secondary to understand the reasons why homework is needed and growing up to into more adult mindsets .

Thing is I've never agreed with homework for primary age children anyway. I was never given homework when at primary school, it just wasn't needed.

cherry I'm sorry I wasn't trying lo say you are stupid or that you should just be grateful, or deny your experience or any of that stuff. I know how awful it is when people say shit like that.

What I was trying to say was that you had a shit experience but your child doesn't have that reference point. Swinging too far the other way doesn't cancel your mother out it just pushes your child to that other extreme.

Parenting is generally about middle ground I think.

No it's ok batteries I do honestly sometimes wonder if I'm being silly.

I don't think I'm pushy about homework and I really believe that its important that children find their own motivation to succeed. I saw many people drop out of university because they had no motivation of their own once their parents were no longer there to nag them. If you've raised your children to respect school and authority then I think that they will do their homework themselves in their own time without being nagged. I always ask the questions 'have you got any homework?' 'what did you do in school today?' but I place trust in my kids around when they do their homework. My youngest lied one time that she was up to date and then got in a panic when she realised she had built up too much to do by the deadlines. Since then she is proactive in doing it. I honestly believe she learnt more from this than she could ever learn from me pushing her every night. My eldest is in secondary school now and gets on with her homework - its usually done before I get in from work. One time she told me she forgot some and did it on the bus and the teacher was critical about the standard of it. Again lesson learnt - she never tried that again!

The thing is, to get to Uni they need to learn to do homework. I didn't start doing homework until I was 14 when I almost failed a class (different education system where failing is a very real thing). or maybe I never would have started doing homework, either.

I tell mine how doing homework might fit into the path they think they want, but I can't crack the whip if they won't do it. We talk about what paths they could have depending on what effort they'll put in now.

Results so far:
DD won't stop revising.
DS1 refused to do homework & got "good" GCSEs. Doesn't want Uni.
DS2 selective, some things he just won't do. Hates everything creative. From what I have seen, won't need to do anything creative to actually get GCSEs.

I went to uni, didn't really learn homework

Good luck with the homework doesn't matter when your DC are in thigh school, because it will matter then.

My ds is still young but he hates doing homework and sometimes I think that it's just easier to leave it and not force him to do it. Me and ds are similar in temperament, so we both end up quite wound up when I try and get him to do his homework.

What has worked better is me persuading him to do some and leaving him to do it. I'll ask him if he wants help and do a quick check of it afterwards but that's it. It is a system which works much better.

We do loads of reading and I try and encourage mental maths - for both dcs.

He's only in year 2 so I suspect it will continue to get harder as he gets older!

A couple of points.
You distinguish between formal learning and a museum. But they are part of the same continuum. As an academic at Uni I can introduce fascinating concepts to my students and take them on interesting trips. They still need to do their reading and write the essay to fully grasp what I am teaching. If you don't see homework from the point of view YOU had, but as something that can be an enjoyable part of the learning process (there will be kids who will find museums and aquariums utterly boring too) then you transmit that to your son.
But also my parents had a house full of books. They vaguely knew what I was doing and cast an eye over it. We talked about stuff we were studying in school at dinner time. We argued, I was challenged. That also made homework and learning seem part of the everyday. I think you have a very black and white view of homework.
The second thing is this: and I ask this gently. Given your son is in primary school and you feel you can't help with him maths/science do you think your attitude is partly a product of 'I cant' rather than 'I wont'. If you don't know don't be embarrassed. A great way for DS to learn would be to teach YOU stuff that he is learning in school.
And homework comes with practical skills as well- time management and organisation. Even if you don't help him with the actual homework you can help him with that.

Do you mean you didn't learn FROM homework? Because at Uni 'homework' is everything. After all, in class I can provide an overview and the student has to fill in. The earlier students learn this skill, the more they enjoy their work.

At the university where I teach, you wouldn't last two minutes without 'homework'.

You're expected to do it regularly and thoroughly.

The vast majority of students do that. We have a very low drop out rate.

I also point out to students that not all that work will be fascinating.

DP and I are most definitely not "pushy parents. We do, however, consistently set high standards for ourselves and for our DC. They have grown up knowing the score and know that their life is lovely as long as they meet our high, but entirely reasonable, expectations.

I definitely don't think of homework as being a university thing any more than a lawyer researching a case is doing homework.