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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry I'm not pushy enough

230 replies

cherrycrumblecustard · 02/01/2017 15:36

I had very pushy parents and I always vowed I wouldn't be the same, but I'm worried I might be setting my DC up to underachieve or fail.

I don't insist on homework being done, and I don't really ask/fuss about levels or anything like that. I guess that's okay for primary but should I try to get more involved as secondary looms closer?

OP posts:
Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 20:57

What about if you hadn't been able to do that though? I'm just a bit Shock a school could leave a child in a position where they couldn't get home because of homework!

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corythatwas · 03/01/2017 20:59

Are you so sure that your children's homework is random, rather than designed to develop certain skills? And conversely, are you sure they will immediately understand the benefits of any task set them at university or by a future employer?

I am a university lecturer, and I do see how some students are set back by not having the sense to see that exercises set by at the beginning of the course may actually have a bearing on their ability to perform the more obviously meaningful tasks that lead to the promised outcome a year later. It's like a musician wanting to play Beethoven without first having spent time practising scales or an athlete wanting to skip the warming-up exercises- it's not going to work.

Mumzypopz · 03/01/2017 21:02

In her professional opinion she will know which kids are encouraged to do their best, which includes homework, and which ones aren't. She will see this from their ability to keep up in class and their attitude to learning and a lot of that all comes from the parent. I can't understand why you think it doesn't make a difference.

Homework often hammers home what they have learnt in class and enables the teacher to see if they understand what they are doing. If they don't do it, the teacher might be none the wiser if they are struggling, and move on from that topic to a new one. Your child will then miss out surely? Do you want that?

I know if I was a teacher and a child was not doing homework, and if it seemed the parent wasn't encouraging them to do it, I wouldn't think much of that parent.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 21:06

Yes, but I'm not the one in her class, well neither is my child, but the point is what the teacher thinks of me doesn't matter.

I do think homework is a bit stupid but the point is I'm not going to force or sanction my child to do if, if they decide to do it great. If they get sanctions at school then that's how it is.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 03/01/2017 21:06

But her role doesn't involve making professional opinions of parents

Have you heard of safeguarding?

Mumzypopz · 03/01/2017 21:09

I don't doubt that some children can do really well regardless, but a lot don't...Personally I wouldn't want to take that chance. I don't think that's being pushy, I think that's doing your job as a parent.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 21:09

If my child was at risk of physical or emotional harm due to my lackadaisical attitude then the teacher would be passing on the relevant info to the relevant body, bit different to looking down her nose st me because I'm not banging on at my kid the second he walks through the door about his homework.

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 03/01/2017 21:09

What's your point about safeguarding?

Mumzypopz · 03/01/2017 21:10

Sorry, I get what you mean about safeguarding now, in that teachers can make opinions of parents.

NicknameUsed · 03/01/2017 21:11

"What about if you hadn't been able to do that though? I'm just a bit shock a school could leave a child in a position where they couldn't get home because of homework!"

That is why DD always did her homework Grin

I really can't believe that you are so laid back about encouraging your children to do their homework. I think you will get a shock when your children start secondary school. Teachers will know you as "that parent"

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 21:11

I was answering Astro :)

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Mumzypopz · 03/01/2017 21:12

No-one said you have to 'bang on' at your kid, there's a much gentler way of doing it, setting a routine, telling them how important it is etc, coaching them to make it simple and routine.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 21:12

Yes but Nickname, obviously not your DD but kids are going to forget homework occasionally aren't they? I did once, in year 7 even with a psycho parent. And to think a child might not be able to get home!

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Mumzypopz · 03/01/2017 21:19

The child can get home because the parent will have to go and collect her. That probably encourages the parent to make sure the child has done what is required too. I've heard of a lot of High schools doing this.

I think what the teacher thinks does matter. She's the one going the extra mile to help your kid keep up. I also think it's not fair on other kids in the class who have done their homework as the teacher will then need to spend more time on your kid...If they can.

corythatwas · 03/01/2017 21:19

Why does it have to be a choice between "banging on at your child the second he walks in through the door" and not making him do his homework at all?

Can't it just be like various other things that you (presumably) expect him to do, like clean his teeth and pick up his rubbish and put his laundry in the basket? Something everyday and unemotional and routine? It does seem a bit unfair that it should have to carry emotional connotations for him just because it did for you. He is not you, you are not your mum.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 21:21

What if they cant mumzy is the point, not everyone drives!

He does do those things cory but I don't know. Homework easily turns into a battle. Like I say he mostly does it I just don't have a routine for it.

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Mumzypopz · 03/01/2017 21:28

Every parent has a way of getting their child, even if it means getting a taxi. If I got a call off my child saying they were stuck at school, I'd drop everything and go, or find another way. I'd certainly make sure it didn't happen again.

Mumzypopz · 03/01/2017 21:29

If you didn't pick them up I should imagine they would consider social services.

NicknameUsed · 03/01/2017 21:30

"Yes but Nickname, obviously not your DD but kids are going to forget homework occasionally aren't they? "

DD used to forget all the time. At secondary school they have planners that they write their homework in. Parents sign the planner every week and their form tutor checks it weekly. I just use to look at her planner and remind her what needed to be done.

You really can't get away with not doing homework at secondary school. If your children can't keep up because they don't do their homework they slip down to the bottom sets where there are more disruptive children, so they fall further behind.

And why would you jeopardise your children's future by not supporting their education, especially at GCSE and A level?

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 21:32

And everyone can afford a taxi and that wouldn't have a detrimental impact on the family for the rest of the week/month? Honestly I think that's horrible of the school. A child not doing homework so according to some of you more likely to come from a background with unsupportive parents anyway gets doubly punished by being unable to get home?

I stopped doing homework in y9 and managed OK.

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Mumzypopz · 03/01/2017 21:39

So I would say, if you are a family where no one drives, and you can't afford a taxi, and the school rules are that you get after school detention if you don't do homework, then you would need to make doubly sure they do it.

That's the point. The school needs to give sanctions that make a difference, otherwise the kids just won't bother. Not saying I agree with it necessarily, but you sign up to the school rules when they start there. Most children go to High school near home so would have some way of getting home I think, either walk or get another bus, or wait until you can collect them.

NicknameUsed · 03/01/2017 21:40

"I stopped doing homework in y9 and managed OK."

And my MIL left school at 14 and managed OK. However this is 2017 and secondary education is so different now. Unless your children are exceptionally academically gifted I don't see how they would do well without some kind of input at home.

I really can't understand your attitude at all. Is this just a monumental wind up?

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 21:41

None of the above apply to me personally, I'm just a bit shocked a school would put a child in that position.

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NicknameUsed · 03/01/2017 21:41

Perhaps you could home educate instead then homework needn't come into it at all.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 03/01/2017 21:42

Input at home, and homework, aren't necessarily the same things. And as I've said, it's not like I'm standing there saying 'you don't need to do that!' or anything. I just don't force it and if when he goes to high school he forgets it and gets a detention, then as far as I'm concerned that's that and the school have dealt with it.

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