To worry I'm not pushy enough

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I had very pushy parents and I always vowed I wouldn't be the same, but I'm worried I might be setting my DC up to underachieve or fail.

I don't insist on homework being done, and I don't really ask/fuss about levels or anything like that. I guess that's okay for primary but should I try to get more involved as secondary looms closer?

Yes I do have bills to pay etc but I wouldn't want my husband saying "you need to pay this bill now and then I want you to make sure you go to sainsburys before 7 PM' you kmow?

But that's because you are peers, not parent and child and your husband is just setting arbitrary deadlines for the sake of it with no reasoning.

If he said something like "Did you pay that bill yet because I got a reminder letter earlier? Oh and we're out of bread, can you pick some up on the way home so that nobody has to go out again after the kids are in bed?" then it would be perfectly reasonable and logical. Just as it can be perfectly reasonable and logical to set after-school routines for your family that include time set aside for homework.

Op homework is often just consolidation of what has been done in class i.e. revision.

I also worry you can actually turn them off learning by making it a chore or a drag

You can also turn them off by showing it isn't important or worth doing -

Better to try and fail than not bother at all

I think you should try and structure it more. By secondary your dc should have a planner that they are writing homework into. You could use this to structure their homework time.

There is a fine line between being supportive, and providing structure with revision compared to turning kids off learning. I think at the moment you sound too slack. When I ring a parent about lack of homework and they respond "well what do you want me to do about it" my heart sinks as I know they aren't bothered about their children's education.

Or they don't know how to help?

In that case google it - ask them to show you what they are doing - ask them what they learnt today?

Email the teacher and ask for some help (I know a lot of English as a second language parents struggle with literacy concepts) They will help if you ask

So it's just homework then, or isn't there more to it? I don't know. I really can't do most of DSs homework. I'll have to ask DH.

It's not the doing it with them. It's being supportive of them. Pupils who do homework have parents who support them. Maybe they Google things, maybe they sit and try together, maybe they provide a safe and tidy place in which to do the homework. You don't need to be Einstein to support homework being done.

It is surely creating a culture and love of learning? Giving structure and routine of learning from an early age. Making learning fun - little ones can learn maths by making fairy cakes and science by chalking around puddles. They can play board games like scrabble when they are a bit older. Days out can be for informal learning too - museums, science centres or theatre. Bath time with measuring cups teaches volume. Button boxes teach pairing and pattern.

I guess that's what I've always wanted to do Crumbs not make them sit and do homework as soon as they come in.

Honestly I'm abit at parents that don't insist on homework. I think you are setting your kids up for academic failure. My parents insisted on us working t our ability in school what ever that may be and we are all successful in our chosen careers. I wouldn't consider myself pushy but my kids are expected to complete any task set my school and I sit with them afterwards to check if there was any part they struggled with. I see it as A very important part of parenting as it gives them the best chance of having a well paying career in later life

Yes my mum was the same

You don't insist on homework being done? So is s/he learning from you that teachers can be ignored. Gosh, setting them up for a fall aren't you.

I guess that's what I've always wanted to do Crumbs not make them sit and do homework as soon as they come in.

The two are not mutually exclusive. You can spend weekends and venings doing all the stuff in Crumbs' post but that doesn't mean they can just skip homework full stop.

So you don't want to have them sit down straight after school, then work it into an evening routine that works for you, maybe they get to come in, play for a while have dinner then do homework after that or whenever works best for you.

But just pretending homework doesn't exist harms your kids' potential just as much as forcing them to do homework.

You need to foster a positive relationship with learning and school, and that includes supporting the teachers in the work they set for your children. What example do you think you are setting your children if you basically say it's okay to ignore their teachers' instructions and tell them that work is optional and then just leave the consequences to the teachers? Do you think that is going to foster positive relationships between your children and school?

No, more about motivating themselves without me nagging.

I don't think that "not insisting on homework" equates to "not pushy". I think it equates to negligence!

Goodness!

It's not about pushing them, it's about teaching them, which IMO is part of your role as a parent. By setting a routine you teach them how to structure their time. If you do that well in primary there should be no need to 'nag' in secondary, they'll know how to do it.

It sounds like you had a very tough relationship with your mother cherry.

Well, it wasn't a relationship really but yes. It just made me hate schoolwork, especially Maths. DS generally does do his homework and he tries really hard and I do praise him for this I just don't make him show me, make him prove he's done it, say he can't read or play or whatever because homework comes first. I guess I just don't see it as that important.

Homework definitely doesn't warrant the treatment you got. But you can be encouraging without being pushy and nasty.

Don't get me wrong homework was always done and redone if it was done badly. I meant learning was wider but it needn't be just nagging to get homework done, that is just a part of it. If kids enjoy learning and their success is rewarded they enjoy the positive feedback from homework well done.

Teacher here. I agree with not being pushy to an extent. I teach kids who have their whole lives timetabled to accommodate sports, music, tuition and they can find it very stressful. However, homework is important at secondary. Pupils will get Detention for not doing it. It takes me hours to mark - I'm not setting it for the sake of it. We use homework to check learning, extend learning, as a revision aid, to 'flip' the classroom (kids research something at home then we learn about it). It's important that parents are supportive of this if we are going to get the best educational outcomes for your kids.

I think you just want to be a cool mom OP, you've heard a variety of different opinions but still think you've got it right and been smart arsey in your response to others. Surely you must be intelligent enough to work out for yourself that homework/extra curricular does not have to be by force, just sit down with your kid and help them along with it, it's not rocket science.

As ever it's about balance.

Each family needs the find their own, paying particular regard to the personalities involved. Both children and parents.

Plus I'm a firm believer in talking positive decisions rather than negative ones ( where possible).

Deciding as a parent to do X because it seems like a great idea, seems more likely to get a good outcome than not doing Y because you're afraid of Z if that makes sense.