To worry I'm not pushy enough

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I had very pushy parents and I always vowed I wouldn't be the same, but I'm worried I might be setting my DC up to underachieve or fail.

I don't insist on homework being done, and I don't really ask/fuss about levels or anything like that. I guess that's okay for primary but should I try to get more involved as secondary looms closer?

Yeah ... I think that's where I'd want to go with it Wonder

I once got detention for forgetting my PE kit and my mum went bananas, screaming no no no for ages. I was in year 8, so 12. I think if my son got detention because he forgot his kit I'd laugh at him and say well it serves you right.

Anyone forgetting kit at DC's school is required to cobble something together from the smelly lost and found.

No one forgets twice!

Yes but it's a hypothetical point Haircut

So if your child get detention - that's a consequence - but you have no consequence for lot doing homework?

Are you supportive f their education?

I think being supportive, showing an interest and giving your children opportunities to try new skills etc (to the extent you are able) is important.

For some children just the above is enough. However, having talked to lots of people about this, I think most children benefit from a bit of a push!

How do you mean astro?

It's hard. Just feel like I'm not doing it right but I'd feel really uncomfortable pushing, as well?

I mean you think it's ok if they get detention for lack of homework but there's kids consequence at home -

Therefore you are showing a united front with school

If he doesn't understand - that's Ok - but just saying he can't be bothered and you saying just leave it - that's going against what's expected of him -

If you'd said - bring it here let's look together it won't take long - then that's offering some support

It's not being pushy to take an interest in your child's education ...

Nobody is saying you have to grill them on their homework the second they set foot in the house then demand they sit at a desk in an empty room for three hours until they finish every last thing on their homework, with no help and just beratement for not being done yet.

But asking them how their day was, and whether they have any homework is not being pushy. Neither is having a set evening routine of "home, change out of uniform, snack, homework/play, dinner, relax time, bath, story, bed". If they choose not to do their homework, then they will suffer the consequences of it at school, especially when they go up to secondary, but it shows them that you are giving them the choice and if you ask about it, it doesn't have to be you interrogating them, but showing a positive interest in what they are learning.

When my brother and I were in primary, our parents would let us do our own homework but they would set aside that homework time as time to sit with us and help if we wanted it, but also for them to look at what we were doing at school and where we were progress wise without it being a direct question or apparent judgement of our ability. It also meant that as we got older we already had that routine in place that we'd do home work at this time and our parents went from actively helping, to sitting with us, to being in the same room and just checking in, to doing something else in the house and just looking over the work when it was done, to being left totally alone to manage our work as we saw fit. That allowed us to build up our confidence of our independant work whils still feeling supported, so that by the time we got to secondary school and homework was an important part of our studies, it was second nature to just sit and get it done. It also meant that by then we knew we could go and ask for help if we were struggling but we werent going to have a parent peering over our shoulder micro-managing our work and questioning why we werent' working if they popped in while we were taking a five minute break between different homework assignments.

But then if they've had a consequence at school, do they need one at home as well? Isn't it better to draw a line under it? (By the way I specifically mean forgotten homework, being late, whatever NOT rudeness which is different.)

I don't know ... I just know the last thing I feel like doing after working all day is then carrying on with work. So isn't it better for them to decide for themselves when they do their homework?

I'm not pushy at all , my dd is predicted grade 9's in her gcse's .... she is happy , healthy and sociable . These things are important to me . I have always told her to do her homework and she knows I'm not doing it for her . She just gets on with it . These days it's cool to be clever and all her peer group are bright or gifted which I guess helps .

My preference is to leave the consequences to school.

However, you have to be solidly sure that your DC's school are hot on said consequences. Do not assume all teachers chase homework. Do not assume that there will be any consequences for doing badly in a test. Do not assume that doing what school requires and no more will be enough to achieve the best possible results.

But when you get home - don't you have a asked to do? Pay bills - food shop -cleaning cooking etc

Your day doesn't just end!

I'd agree with their being one consequence (detention) but you can't diamiss the homework and then laugh they got detention when you could've supported their learning at home

OP, I think you should be backing up the teacher. If he/she sets homework, you should encourage your child to do it, otherwise you're saying to your child that they can do what they want and it doesn't matter what the teacher says.

I think if you show an interest in what they're doing, an interest in their homework and an interest in their friends, you'll be fine. I'd be wary of laughing at the teacher punishing them, but of course there's no need to punish them yet again.

I don't think homework has anything to do with a job, though. It's hard getting the balance between ordering them around and helping.
It's an introduction to the concept of following rules and having responsibilities.....

Not pushy here, one child is at uni and one is planning on going this year.

They have been encouraged to be self motivated, mainly by example, both good and bad. I'm self employed and work hard, their dad (my ex) is unemployed and unmotivated.

They enjoy the rewards of doing well and that helps.

As a GCSE teacher I set homework to improve the skills and eventual grades of my students. If it isn't done they it DOES impact them.

You are not your mother, but going for the opposite is also not great imo. You can support their education without being pushy. You can put homework rules in place without bullying. At the moment I think you have gone too far the other way, which may have a detrimental effect. It would certainly colour my professional opinion of you and your feelings about your child's education.

*then

Do you make a habit of making a "professional opinion?" What even is that?

Anyway, I wouldn't be laughing at the punishment per se, just saying it was right they got it.

Yes I do have bills to pay etc but I wouldn't want my husband saying "you need to pay this bill now and then I want you to make sure you go to sainsburys before 7 PM' you kmow?

I don't know ... I just know the last thing I feel like doing after working all day is then carrying on with work. So isn't it better for them to decide for themselves when they do their homework?

So I take it you come in from work, sit down on the sofa and do nothing else until you go to bed?

Or do you get in from work, make dinner, clean the kitchen/bathroom, do the hoovering, arrange appointments, pay bills, open letters, prepare things for work, put away washing, sort the recycling, put the bins out etcetc ...

The last thing I feel like doing when I get home from work is doing housework, but it still needs to be done, so I do it because the only one who suffers if I don't is me.

The same goes for homework, they don't have to do it, but when they get into trouble at school, and suffer in secondary when they don't have a routine of doing homework regularly, then they are the one who suffers both from getting into trouble and potentially getting left behind because they don't understand a taught concept, but since they didn't do the homework the teacher hasn't been able to fully assess whether they can apply what they have been taught and so can't flag it up for extra support.

Why would you want your childrens' education to potentially suffer for the lack of "Did you have a good day at school? Good ... get any homework? You did? Do you want help? No, well then I'll leave you to it while I get on with making dinner, give me a shout if you need help. Yes, ok, well I need to make dinner so why don't we do it when we get in and then afterwards you can watch tv while I make dinner, ok?"

Well I don't do all that melj no and tbh there is the odd night where I do nothing. What I mean is I do what I need to do when it needs doing but I don't have a strict routine. I do it when I feel like it usually.

I don't really think Homework makes any difference to academic success. I mean I am thick after being made to do it for years

Probably classed as pushy. I always believed (and still,do) that one of my jobs as a parent was to ensure my children reached adulthood with a few basics as givens - courtesy towards others, an ability to feel comfortable in formal social settings, to swim confidently, to have integrity and compassion and to have sufficient academic qualifications to make a genuine choice as to what they wanted to do at 18.
I still believe it is fine to be a hairdresser or cleaner if you make that as a conscious choice from all options available to you. For my children it was not fine to be a waiter or chambermaid because you didn't bother to get the qualifications to do what you really wanted.
I was often told that it didn't matter as long as they were happy but I think that is disingenuous. We all want our children to be happy, of course, but it is far easier to be happy with a good income and interesting work.

If by academic success you mean grades in public exams, then of course work done at home makes a difference. Pupils who only do the revision organised in school rarely achieve top grades. Plus they need to find their own best methods for revision.

But academic success is about much more than that, no? It goes far beyond what is required by school.

Oh it is. I completely agree and I do worry that they won't achieve their potential because of me.

But the thing is, I also worry you can actually turn them off learning by making it a chore or a drag, if that makes sense. I just stopped trying at school because I felt like I couldn't please anyone anyway. Luckily DH (obviously wasn't married to him then) has helped me understand some basic concepts with maths and science.

Yeah but there's a long way between revision and homework.