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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FFS Mil has just announced she is coming for Christmas again next year!

138 replies

barkinginessex · 01/01/2017 12:33

I'm at the end of my tether today. Mil has just invited herself here again for Christmas next year and I want to cry.
She lives an hour away and stayed with us for all of Christmas and new year, she leaves soon and I can't wait to get my house back.
She's loud, pushy and stuck in her ways and I don't think I can cope with another Christmas like this one. It's been really boring and she's messy so the house is a tip. She's not lifted a finger since she got here. She disapproves of me cleaning and tidying and says I should chill out!
DP has said nothing but would I be unreasonable to say she's not coming again for Christmas and if she does then I won't be here to deal with any of it?

OP posts:

KC225 · 02/01/2017 12:54

If she is only an hour away why does she have to stay the whole week. My MIL lives 20 minutes away and I offered her to stay but she wanted her own bed.

Unless you want refuse her full stop, just tell her she can come Christmas day, and stay the night but say you have guests coming to stay on Boxing Day. Or tell her the truth that staying a week is too much work and you were exhausted running around after everyone, that 'pink cheek' knowing she did nothing to help

Original poster

barkinginessex · 02/01/2017 13:06

I agree with those who said that the first year without her partner was very hard and she was upset on Christmas Day and we of course supported her and tried to make the day as nice as possible for her. It's just the length of time she stayed for, she never wants to go anywhere or do anything so I felt trapped at home. In hindsight I should have just made plans and stuck to them rather than staying at home. DP is still sulking, said he doesn't feel like the house is his own as I'm obsessed with cleaning and tidying!

OP posts:

crrrzy · 02/01/2017 13:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

woodhill · 02/01/2017 13:26

I don't like the way your dp is saying the dinner has to be cooked the way his mum wants it if he does it. She sounds very controlling. Have she no other dc.

How old are your own dc? Could you go to your dps. Does your own DM think mil is cheeky?

expatinscotland · 02/01/2017 14:02

'Thank you. Unfortunately when I tried to talk to him he refused to listen and walked off so we aren't speaking. To be honest it's making me evaluate our relationship, I feel like a live in maid after these 2 weeks!'

GOOD! From your posts it seems you dont have children with him, but he has a son. I'm starting to guess why his ex dumped him. Your partner is a controlling person who dominates you. Don't have kids with him. Dump him and his mother.

expatinscotland · 02/01/2017 14:03

'DP is still sulking, said he doesn't feel like the house is his own as I'm obsessed with cleaning and tidying!'

Then leave him to live like a pig with his ma.

EweAreHere · 02/01/2017 14:08

Tell him that! Tell him he's refusal to engage about something so important is making you think you need to reevaluate your entire relationship! He has allowed his mother to treat you like the maid. HE has treated you like the maid. And then refused to hear that you are unhappy about this treatment over what was YOUR Christmas holidays, too! And he wants you to suck it up and do it again next year, presumably, because he won't talk about it?!

No thank you. Tell him you will plan a nice holiday away for yourself nest year and he can cater to his mother and be the happy homemaker waiting hand on foot on her and his son. Because you're done.

What a jerk.

calzone · 02/01/2017 14:10

Can't your parents host next year?

Your mil can go to other family.

girlelephant · 02/01/2017 14:18

Oh bless you! Christmas is a day so I understand if hosting for a lot of people it can be tiring with all the pre-cleaning etc on top of hosting. But 2 weeks of playing host sounds absolutely exhausting physically and mentally!

I'm like you in that if the house was messy I can't relax but my DH knows that and will help out with chores so we both have a tidy-ish house and time to relax.

I agree as she's brought up next year already (which is bizarre!) that your DH needs to say it will be discussed nearer the time when you all catch-up but you are not planning to host next year. Then if next year you feel like it have people over on Christmas Day only or as an overnight so people can drink with the meal. A one/two hour drive is nothing so a two week stay is far too long unless someone is coming from the other side of the world!

If we stay with anyone, including family, we always offer to help out even if it's clearing up the table, loading the dishwasher or getting drinks. Some people say no to offers of help but at least the offer is there.

If your DH doesn't understand this it sounds like he hasn't helped enough 😳

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 02/01/2017 14:33

Unfortunately when I tried to talk to him he refused to listen and walked off so we aren't speaking. To be honest it's making me evaluate our relationship, I feel like a live in maid after these 2 weeks!

If you feel that you need to reevaluate the relationship, I'd guess there's a lot of other stuff bubbling under the surface that has contributed to this.

FWIW, I think your DP needs to buck his ideas up if the relationship is to survive. It sounds controlling.

DeckTheHall · 02/01/2017 17:25

"We would love to have you, but have decided to go away over Christmas next year"

Loreleigh · 02/01/2017 18:06

I'd just make it very clear that you won't be entertaining next Xmas, or that you will be having a quiet one with just those of you that live in your house. Or invite someone else (a more considerate guest ;) ) If you don't tell her now, she may presume she can plant herself on you every year! Your partner should be telling his mum "no" and not leaving it to you. You could always offer to visit on one of the holiday days or have her over for 1 day/1 overnight, but it sounds like she won't take a hint so you need to be firm and clear. It'll be making a rod for your own back if you allow her to dictate when she'll be landing on you - be polite but say you need time-out and don't want guests every year. Good luck!

Tapandgo · 02/01/2017 18:15

Horrendous. Never really considered putting someone up if they lived so close! Certainly never considered having anybody stay so long. Sounds like you've been made a stranger in your own home - don't let it happen.

angela999999 · 02/01/2017 18:20

Sorry, rushing today so haven't managed to read all the posts. Perhaps you could suggest she does next year, or go to your parents instead? Even if you have to do everything at your mother's house it will be less stressful.

38cody · 02/01/2017 18:24

Just say you will have her for 2 nights with your parents but no more. As for the cooking - Tell him either you cook, your way or they can cook - their way but it's one or the other.
2 weeks is a totally unreasonable expectation.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/01/2017 18:29

I agree as she's brought up next year already (which is bizarre!)

Normally yes it may be bizarre but OP has said that MIL got upset on Christmas day having lost her partner this year.

I think grief has a lot to do with this tbh.

Your DP however needs to stop sulking.

Florin · 02/01/2017 18:43

I get on with my MIL and she helps out and she also lives an hour away and is in her own. Dh picked her up Christmas Eve afternoon and dropped her back Boxing Day morning so he was back home for lunch and we have now had lots of lovely time just us too, a perfect balance. Surely she can come but just for a shorter period, best of both worlds then.

AlexRose5 · 02/01/2017 18:43

Lying I totally agree ! Couldn't have put it better!
Might cause a nose to go outta joint but do what... it's better than OP spending a full year dreading Xmas 😕
It's utterly amazing me reading threads on here, before during and after Xmas , about how HORRIBLE and entitled people can act towards each other . Season of goodwill my arse.
Keep it brief, civiil and to the point OP, you're not committing a crime by making plans for next Xmas that don't include hosting your MIL x

StewieGMum · 02/01/2017 18:46

Men are genetically incapable of recognising how much work Christmas is. Lazy and selfish men choose to be selfish and lazy. If you've spent 2 weeks doing everything, then the problem isn't just your MIL. Your DH is the problem too. Tell him that you won't be doing this ever again; that you are not his maid nor are you his mother's servant. Christmas requires everyone mucking in or nobody comes. And, that includes your husband. If he can't treat you with respect (and leaving you to do everything is disrespectful), then you stop doing anything for him.

YouTheCat · 02/01/2017 18:48

OP, what would you like to do next Christmas?

expatinscotland · 02/01/2017 18:51

He isn't even her husband, they don't have any kids together that I can tell, and he treats her like shit. Life is way too short for this, OP.

beargrass · 02/01/2017 19:10

just say no

CarlitosWay · 02/01/2017 19:16

I don't think you have a MIL problem or a DH problem, I think you have a you problem. For starters it sounds like you are too nice a host and too worried about being polite.

It sounds like you get on reasonably well with your MIL so I don't understand why you wouldn't just treat her like one of the family and ask her to tidy up. I also find it odd that you wouldn't just go out when you wanted.

I would not say anything about next years arrangement other than a vague comment about not wanting to plan anything just yet. I also think it was not a good idea to bring this up with your DH just yet. I'm not suprised he is feeling sorry for her due to her re entry being widowed. I think you've forced a row where one wasn't needed. I would have waited a good few months. It's silly to be worrying about next Xmas on January 2.

YANBU to not want her to come for 2 weeks next Xmas but YABU to start an argument about it now.

PaulDacresConscience · 02/01/2017 19:34

Men are genetically incapable of recognising how much work Christmas is

What utter sexist bollocks. Not all men are like this.

Payitforward55 · 02/01/2017 19:37

I feel so bad for you OP, you need time to relax and chill out over Christmas. If you do agree that she spends Christmas with you next year, she goes home the next day! Bye bye, see ya, and then have your Christmas break. In fact if it was me I'd have her only for the dinner and no staying over. Do want you want and don't feel guilty, Can you try to have a calm chat with DP but tell him you are upset about Christmas and will not have the same again next year.

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