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Original poster

FFS Mil has just announced she is coming for Christmas again next year!

138 replies

barkinginessex · 01/01/2017 12:33

I'm at the end of my tether today. Mil has just invited herself here again for Christmas next year and I want to cry.
She lives an hour away and stayed with us for all of Christmas and new year, she leaves soon and I can't wait to get my house back.
She's loud, pushy and stuck in her ways and I don't think I can cope with another Christmas like this one. It's been really boring and she's messy so the house is a tip. She's not lifted a finger since she got here. She disapproves of me cleaning and tidying and says I should chill out!
DP has said nothing but would I be unreasonable to say she's not coming again for Christmas and if she does then I won't be here to deal with any of it?

OP posts:
TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 01/01/2017 13:03

Can you go to your parents this year?

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 01/01/2017 13:05

I'd just go for gnoring it until you've decided what you want to do then tell her. If she complains that she's already said she's coming to you, just tell her that she assumed that woukd be ok, but actually, it's not. Don't be worried about seeming a bit rude, she's being far more rude inviting herself.

Nquartz · 01/01/2017 13:09

No way, DH needs to tell her, she's his mum.

MakeItRain · 01/01/2017 13:10

Just be very smiley and jolly and say "no, I don't mind where Christmas is next year but this time I don't want to lift a finger!" and maybe even add "maybe we can come to you for Christmas dinner!"

Original poster
barkinginessex · 01/01/2017 13:12

I think he feels bad saying no as she lost her partner last year but she doesn't live alone and has other family so it's not just us. He isn't close to her and he gets aggitated by her behaviour too so it's not just me being petty. She has many fine qualities but she's been a nightmare over Christmas and I just can't do it again.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 01/01/2017 13:16

Your DH needs to tell her that you aren't currently prepared to commit to hosting Christmas next year, but you'll let her know what your plans are when you do.

MrsJayy · 01/01/2017 13:17

Why didnt she go home it is an hour away she lives not Australia. You need to say no have her for dinner or something but not a bloody week.

Olympiathequeen · 01/01/2017 13:17

You're going away for Christmas next year!

woodhill · 01/01/2017 13:19

Say no, rude to invite herself and not help you with anything.

Or if she comes, make it clear it's only for 2 days at Christmas.

Liiinoo · 01/01/2017 13:22

I agree you need to say something now, it's all very well people saying your DH should say something but if that's not the sort of person he is, a lot of people saying it won't make him that person. You are the one who wants the change so you need to make the change.

You could make make a joke of it around how knackered you are or say straight out that it's been great but you are exhausted and will be doing something different next year, not sure what yet you will let MIL know what you propose nearer the time. It might be hard to do but if you want to be the mistress of your own home and family it's time to pull on the big girl pants.

PaulDacresConscience · 01/01/2017 13:22

So tell him:

Much as get on with your Mum, it is bloody hard work hosting Christmas. It is even harder hosting someone who stays for a fortnight and expects hotel style service without lifting a finger to help. I am not doing this again for Christmas 2017 because I would like a festive break where I actually get to enjoy it and spend time with family - instead of running about like a waitress, housekeeper and short-order cook. You need to tell your Mum that she will need to make alternative plans.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 01/01/2017 13:24

Nice free all inclusive holiday with full maid/butlering service for MIL, no wonder she's keen to get booked in for Christmas 2017!

Did your DH even lift a finger?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/01/2017 13:30

OP, Lying, gave you a brilliant answer.
Broach this subject before she leaves, don't leave it to fester.
Make it clear now, then it's done with.

Biscuitsneeded · 01/01/2017 13:34

For now I'd go with the 'oh we don't even know what we'll be doing for Xmas next year' line. Then as a compromise that nobody can say is unfair, you could offer to host Xmas again and have her for Christmas Day and Boxing Day, but tell her that on 27th you are all off to stay with your parents for a few days to have a re-run of Christmas with them. Your DH can't say this is unfair as she gets hosted for actual Christmas, and if your parents are up to hosting you for a few days they'll see much more of you, you won't be so shattered/overworked and if you physically leave the house she can't just hang around unwanted.

NotYoda · 01/01/2017 13:36

The first time you change the pattern it feels weird, but once you've done it, it gets easier.

We broke it first time by going to Center Parcs by ourselves. Brilliant!

ChuckSnowballs · 01/01/2017 13:36

If he hasn't hosted her then he gets no say in it.

Just say no OP. No wonder she wants to come again, sounds like you were her maid for the fortnight.

DinosaursRoar · 01/01/2017 13:42

I would talk to her sooner rather than later - and time to be as manipultive as she is being (mentioning it now as assumed so that in 6 months time when you are ready to think about planning christmas, it's been agreed for months she's coming to you) so when you next see her, can you get her to one side and say something like:

"I was hoping to talk to you about Christmas. I thought you'd be on my side with this, but it was just so much work this year hosting a great houseful, with both sides there, that it was just too much for me and I didn't get to relax and enjoy Christmas at all. I just don't think DP realises the amount of work that goes in to hosting everyone like that, not just the Day, but all the prep and cleaning before hand, and I just have said I want a year off. DP is ever so worried about upsetting both sides, but I've said he's being silly, my parents adore him and we know you just want everyone to be happy. So I said as long as we make sure we see everyone over the festive period at some point, that should be fine, perhaps keep the big get togethers to every other year. What do you think? Bit worried my mum will be upset but as long as we see both sides at some point and noone is on their own on Christmas, it seems a bit much to have to have everyone at ours..."

Then make sure you head of any idea that it'll just be her with lots of "oh we'll have world war 3 if we have one side and not the other, we're so glad you are so reasonable, couldn't be doing with both sides being a nightmare about it! I'll get DP to sort out which day we're coming to you." (2 hour drive can be 'day' visit - hold firm!)

expatinscotland · 01/01/2017 13:55

First of all, why are you the one doing all the cleaning and rushing around? BULLSHIT 'men don't know how much work goes into Christmas.' WTF is he doing? Stop indulging him. He gets a set number of tasks and if he doesn't do them, they are left undone, and I'd make sure they are tasks which are noticed if they are not done.

Stop being a mug.

'No, MIL, we're not hosting next year. Going to do something more chilled.'

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 01/01/2017 13:58

I've had my MIL for 5 days but at least she didn't sit on her arse all day.
Family are expected to muck in.
You're not a hotel

5foot5 · 01/01/2017 14:12

Oh that is way too long for her to stay, especially when she only lives an hour away.

We always have PIL from Christmas Eve until the day after Boxing Day but it is fine because:
a. DH pulls his weight and doesn't expect me to do everything
b. PIL are very, very appreciative
c. I am always on leave until after New Year so after they go I get to enjoy a few days taking it easy, playing with my Christmas presses and no elaborate meals as we have enough left overs for several days☺

I think even given a and b above I would feel a bit resentful if they stayed for the whole holiday period and I didn't even get to enjoy c.

Mamia15 · 01/01/2017 14:32

Did DP do any of the chores? Sounds like you did all the work. You need to address this as well as tell him that you won't be hosting MIL again.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/01/2017 14:33

And why has your man said nothing?. Can he not stand up to his mother in her presence?.

He is key here; how does your man get along with his mother.

You need to urgently raise your all too low boundaries because nice people like you get walked over by pushy using people like his mother.

Your mistake here has been to keep quiet and keep the peace; people like his mother see that as a weakness to exploit.

How can you call her as a nice person when you also have stated she is both loud and pushy?. There is a contradiction here and it may well be because you have been raised to respect people no matter how horrid they are to you in return.

flumpybear · 01/01/2017 14:37

Tell her 'it's your turn to do all the hard work this year' then just go to your parents instead 😎

CauliflowerSqueeze · 01/01/2017 14:40

Agree with lying. Make it clear before she leaves otherwise you'll end up railroaded.

"It's been great having you. We aren't hosting Christmas next year but we will definitely see you at some point for a nice meal between Christmas and New Year. We will have a think about plans nearer the time"

Bloody say it. Your husband might not and I'm sorry but 2 weeks utterly takes the piss. I'd be on my last nerve by the end of day 2. It's not relaxing and it's not what a holiday is about.

Chippednailvarnishing · 01/01/2017 14:45

Stop being a mug

This^

If you are the one doing all of the work, you have a DP problem not a Mil problem.

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