Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is upset that I told him "I appreciated him'

147 replies

Talcott2007 · 01/01/2017 11:43

Help settle a disagreement between me and DP!

So a fews weekends ago I had a what I thought was a pretty unremarkable conversation with DP - essentially I came into the kitchen in the morning and while I had been in the shower DP had launched a load of laundry and was generally cleaning up and I essentially said 'You know MrTalcott I really appreciate you and everything you do for DD and I' - and i know how lucky I am he really is brilliant - he works long hours but still does lots around the house, cooks, cleans and is so hands on and with DD7mths.

So he took the micky at bit at the time, he does when I tell him I love him too - not in an unkind way but I do tell him I love him lots! Anyway yesterday he kept going on and on about if i appreciate this or appreciate that so I said why are you going on about it?! Turns out he was really offended by me saying I appreicate him?!?

He insists it isn't a compliment to say this! I even checked incase something was lost in translation as although DP is totally fluent, English is his 2nd Language. But nope he seems to understand what it means. I asked if he appreciates what I do and he said no, he loves me and it's different, you can appreciate the work a colleague does but not your partner?!?!

I honestly don't know how saying you appreciate someone could be anything other than a nice thing to say?!

It was HIS suggestion to ask on MN about it!

So who's right? Was it a compliment or insulting?

OP posts:
Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 02/01/2017 21:30

I think he thinks it's a 'formal' thing to say, over a handshake and politeness and therefore a bit cold to say to a partner.
It was like someone I knew getting really offended when asked if he respects his (female) friend - the response being ' no I don't respect her. She's a friend and a sister'. English was his second language and he thought respect was a word used only for formal or senior relationships.

Thurlow · 02/01/2017 21:31

He's being a bit silly.

However, it does remind me of the time DP told me that he would be "disappointed" if I died... Hmm

Dwina · 02/01/2017 22:52

I think this might be a cultural clash. There are some cultures where it is deemed rude to say thank you or sorry to a friend or loved one.

It's like if you see them as a friend then you shouldn't have to say sorry or thank you...ever. I have had someone say to me about this before, years back.

When I say it's considered rude, I mean that they can be offended...not because you've done something wrong exactly but that they thought they were closer to you and you shouldn't feel like you have to thank or apologize. These cultures freely give to those they care about and feel offended if you do not freely receive.

I hope I'm explaining this properly lol it's hard to put into words.

marhav999 · 03/01/2017 00:59

More or less agree with timely tess. However I wouldn't class appreciation as a compliment. For example I'm a financially independent sahd. I do all the cooking cleaning and a good lot of the childcare. My wife often compliments me on a particular dinner I cook for her but always voices and shows her appreciation for the efforts I go to with all my domestic endeavours. I compliment her on for example her appearance - choice of clothes etc but voice my appreciation for the way she continues to be a good provider as well as a great mum and wife and always warmly welcomes members of my family to our home etc. I consider both to be complementary to expressions of love and a measure of good manners rather than an insult.

MissNosey · 03/01/2017 04:37

I'm with him on this. It's like the sin of omission - you appear to be taking your feelings down a peg from love to appreciation.

You can appreciate friends and colleagues but telling someone you appreciate them is at least one step lower than telling someone you love them. Why couldn't you just say that? You can appreciate many people but love for your partner is (should be) exclusive. This may be his line of thinking.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 03/01/2017 08:51

It's a compliment - so take it nicely in the way it was intended. DP may be fluent but he's got the wrong end of the stick.

It's always nice to be thanked rather than taken for granted which is a grave danger in many a long term relationship so he should count his blessings - tell him to stop being so pedantic in the nicest possible way.
And you've got a lovely husband there.

Mumneedstea · 03/01/2017 09:34

OP, if you wouldn't have said that your DH is French, then I would have suspected that you are married to my DH! Wink
My DH is the same.. He would find it very odd if I said I appreciated anything he did! He also thinks it's a formal thing to say and something you say to work colleagues.
DH is very hands on and does a lot around the house and for our kids.. I wouldn't have survived parenthood without DH doing most of the night time waking up whenever DS gets up.. But I better not mention it Smile
In our case, it works both ways... So DH rarely appreciates me. I know he doesn't take me for granted, but he's not so good at verbally appreciating me. I try and let this go as he is very loving and caring Smile

Overshoulderbolderholder · 03/01/2017 10:14

Yesterday 22:52 Dwina

I think this might be a cultural clash. There are some cultures where it is deemed rude to say thank you or sorry to a friend or loved one.

It's like if you see them as a friend then you shouldn't have to say sorry or thank you...ever. I have had someone say to me about this before, years back.

When I say it's considered rude, I mean that they can be offended...not because you've done something wrong exactly but that they thought they were closer to you and you shouldn't feel like you have to thank or apologize. These cultures freely give to those they care about and feel offended if you do not freely receive.

I hope I'm explaining this properly lol it's hard to put into words.

this is your answer, cultural differences , norms and understanding

MeetTheMartian · 03/01/2017 16:02

But Mum I'm pretty sure that your DH is bowing you his appreciation in other ways (eg a big smile when you say dinner is ready). The bottom line is also that you don't need to say 'I really appreciate that you have done xxx. Thank you so smuch for that. It has made my life so much easier.' to actually show your appreciation. Or to show that you are taking someone for granted.

I'm French too btw.

And I am finding that it's very easy to actually take people for granted AND still say some words of appreciation. You just have say them at the right time, a few times in the week. Whereas not taking that person for granted takes, IMO, more personal involvement has a 'thank you for xx'.

Interestingly enough, I found that to be present in parenting books (there is a lot of talk about praising children and telling them how you like it when they do xxx' as a positive reinforcement). Little about doing xx because the child is part of the family so that's normal or about how enjoyable it is to make someone happy (so you do xx for the sake of it iyswim).
It also seem that more no more young graduates now are at bit at loss when they start working because said stream of positive reinforcement (i.e. Showing your appreciation) isn't there anymore.

Which then comes back to the question your DH was asking (and the OP's). Why should you say thanks and show appreciation for something that is supposed to happen??? Is that implying that actually it's not supposed to happen automatically?

Mumneedstea · 03/01/2017 20:01

Which then comes back to the question your DH was asking (and the OP's). Why should you say thanks and show appreciation for something that is supposed to happen??? Is that implying that actually it's not supposed to happen automatically?

Meetthemartian this is exactly how my DH thinks! And this is also a reason why he is sometimes very awkward when someone shows appreciation for something which he believes he is supposed to do anyways.. As per him, he should only be appreciated when he goes above and beyond his duty Smile

FizzySweeties · 03/01/2017 20:12

Maybe the word "appreciate" comes across as a bit formal hence the "colleagues" reference he gave you.

Although it's definitely a compliment, I would guess he didn't like you "stepping outside" of the moment as if viewing him from afar or at arms length to then stop and say "I appreciate all you do for me and DD". It is a compliment but is it also something you might say to a paid member of staff... or someone like a cleaner/maid? You wouldn't say "Thanks darling, you're the best" plus big kiss, to a cleaner but you might say "I appreciate all your hard work". Or whatever. That's what I'm getting from his colleagues reference.

It could have come across as a bit high-handed although I know you meant the opposite!

corythatwas · 03/01/2017 20:15

MissNosey, the reason for saying both is that they do not express the same thing. It is perfectly possible to love someone who doesn't do a lot of work- so you couldn't tell them that you appreciate what they do. It's about different aspects of life. Telling my dh that I enjoy his cooking doesn't suggest that I might not enjoy his love-making even more. Expressing my appreciation of his Christmas present is no denigration of 30 odd years of love and support.

As for "if you tell them it shows you don't take them for granted as you should do"- in that case, why tell them you love them? Shouldn't they be able to take that for granted?

The truth is, if something somebody does makes you feel happy, it's nice to tell them- even if it's something small and silly. Rather churlish to complain about it imho. And I'm foreign too, and from a culture not known for its verbal effusiveness.

Limewithorange · 03/01/2017 20:28

Technically it's a compliment. On saying that my partner says things like this all the time to me and I hate it. Show me you appreciate me don't blather on about it. His whole family write essays in birthday cards saying how much they love each other but from where I stand I don't see a lot of physical effort being put in. I also remember a senior manager telling how fantastic my setting up of the weekly team meeting buffet was 🙄 I ran the accounts and hr department but not once had he commented on my implementation of efficient systems etc I'm sure I've digressed but as the receiver I didn't feel particularly complimented.

blueshoes · 03/01/2017 21:17

Brits can be regarded by other cultures that are more emotional (easier at expressing emotions) as being sometimes unduly wordy and verbal. I think it is a good thing because I admire the clarity with which Brits express their thoughts and ideas in grammatical sentences that enhance mutual understanding.

However, in the domestic arena, some cultures may view verbalising what is understood as being somewhat formal and stilted. It is seen to create distance rather than cement familiarity.

This is my very broad generalisation.

WanderingStar1 · 04/01/2017 00:39

I'd be a bit Hmm if DH said how much he appreciated me cleaning the loo, or making his supper - but would take it as a compliment if he said he really appreciated how lucky he was to have such a great wife, or what a good mum I was etc. I'm sure the intent is a compliment either way - and not worth getting stressed about - but could perhaps see his point of view if he felt you were going down the former (i.e. thanks for doing those usual tasks) route?

Thingamajiggy · 04/01/2017 08:51

My husband would melt if I told him I appreciated him. It's a lovely, genuine, heartfelt compliment which should be taken as such. I suspect it's something cultural if he finds that offensive. Either that or he's insane.

Tenshidarkangel · 04/01/2017 08:59

I say it to my DP all the time. In fact a dating article I read openly encouraged it....

MeetTheMartian · 04/01/2017 09:03

Well if you are reading an article written in Britain by a British journalist, I'm pretty sure that this is what they will advise...

And yes it IS a cultural thing.
It doesn't mean that the OP's DH is wrong though. Nor does it mean that he has to bow to the British way and accept whatever is done here. That's the challenge and the richness of being in a multicultural relationship.

blueshoes · 04/01/2017 10:40

Martian, that sounds suitably inclusive and embracing of the core values of diversity and tolerance Grin

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 04/01/2017 13:43

OP, when you say, 'You know MrTalcott I really appreciate you and everything you do for DD and I,' it could be that it makes your DP feel as if he is trapped in a Jane Austen novel.

It does sound a bit chinking-bone-china-teacups-in-the-drawing-room mannerly.

Perhaps what you need to do is find your inner Lady Chatterley when engaging with the domestic help. So, if you are feeling the urge to tell DP of your appreciation, wrap your arms round him from behind and whisper it fervently into his ear.

I think these additional measures will reduce the risk of Monsieur Talcott being insulted by your appreciation.

nakedscientist · 05/01/2017 18:57

Is a nice thing to say and is not said enough between couples! Smile

cheeseandpineapple · 05/01/2017 19:10

Whilst like the majority on this thread I see the term as a compliment, I can also see how culturally for some it may be interpreted as patronising.

Seems that's how OP's DH has taken it.

But since OP has explained she meant it as a genuine compliment, he should take it in the spirit in which it was intended!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page