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Original poster

DP is upset that I told him "I appreciated him'

147 replies

Talcott2007 · 01/01/2017 11:43

Help settle a disagreement between me and DP!

So a fews weekends ago I had a what I thought was a pretty unremarkable conversation with DP - essentially I came into the kitchen in the morning and while I had been in the shower DP had launched a load of laundry and was generally cleaning up and I essentially said 'You know MrTalcott I really appreciate you and everything you do for DD and I' - and i know how lucky I am he really is brilliant - he works long hours but still does lots around the house, cooks, cleans and is so hands on and with DD7mths.

So he took the micky at bit at the time, he does when I tell him I love him too - not in an unkind way but I do tell him I love him lots! Anyway yesterday he kept going on and on about if i appreciate this or appreciate that so I said why are you going on about it?! Turns out he was really offended by me saying I appreicate him?!?

He insists it isn't a compliment to say this! I even checked incase something was lost in translation as although DP is totally fluent, English is his 2nd Language. But nope he seems to understand what it means. I asked if he appreciates what I do and he said no, he loves me and it's different, you can appreciate the work a colleague does but not your partner?!?!

I honestly don't know how saying you appreciate someone could be anything other than a nice thing to say?!

It was HIS suggestion to ask on MN about it!

So who's right? Was it a compliment or insulting?

OP posts:
girlelephant · 01/01/2017 11:56

I see this as a compliment!

TyneTeas · 01/01/2017 11:56

Absolutely a compliment in this sense however "I appreciate" is not always complimentary and he may have only heard it previously in that context at work

I appreciate your point of view but...

I appreciate you have spent a lot of time doing this but...

I appreciate your comments but...

Soubriquet · 01/01/2017 11:58

Definitely a complement!!

I say it to my Dh too. Especially when he has to do everything because I'm ill or in pain

Because i do appreciate everything he does

Mynestisfullofempty · 01/01/2017 11:58

It was a lovely thing to say without any negative connotations whatsoever. It's completely appropriate to say to a spouse or partner and baffling that he didn't like it. How anyone could construe being appreciated as insulting is beyond me. On the contrary, I think it's important for people to be told that they are appreciated and the more important that person is to them, the more it should mean to them - in an entirely positive way.
IME a big hug would be the usual response to that kind of remark, maybe with an expression of how much you are appreciated for all the things you do too. Your DP obviously didn't want to insult you by saying such a nice thing! Confused.
Like I said, baffling.

SleepFreeZone · 01/01/2017 12:02

I suppose I can understand what he is saying. 'I appreciate you' does have a weird undertone about it when said aloud. I suppose I would happily say thank you to DP for doing stuff to help me out (like valeting my car for example). But would I say 'I appreciate you' no I don't think so.

whyohwhy000 · 01/01/2017 12:03

On the other hand he may have found it sarcastic eg

"I really appreciate what you're saying but..."

etc

LuchiMangsho · 01/01/2017 12:03

I am curious as to what his first language is. In my language there is no word for 'thank you' except a very formal one. I remember my Dad thanking my Mum once when he was ill and my Mum muttering about it all day long 'thank you...he said thank you...just imagine.' The cultural implication is that the person is doing you a favour rather than simply what they should be doing as a loved one. Personally I think thanking/appreciating someone is a good thing though but I haven't lived in my city of origin for 18 years!

EweAreHere · 01/01/2017 12:03

Your DH is wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

What a nice thing for you to have told him when he was being so thoughtful and loving, trying to make sure he knew how much you loved and appreciated his thoughtfulness, and he took offense?!

Wow.

Tell him he's being ridiculous.

Barefootcontessa84 · 01/01/2017 12:05

It's an absolute compliment, and lovely that you actually say to him. It shows you don't take him for granted, and I think something more couples should do.

Sometimes I find it hard to put into words how grateful I am for my DH or the things he does - but I don't think this should have come across in any way except as an acknowledgement of your gratitude.

diddl · 01/01/2017 12:05

I don't think that he needs to be offended by it, but if was just doing family stuff that benefits everyone, it sounds a bit piss takey to me.

Like pointing it out because he doesn't usually do stuff iyswim.

PaperdollCartoon · 01/01/2017 12:06

Yes he's being a bit odd! I tell DP I appreciate him all the time, because I do. I also tell him I love him, but I also really appreciate the things he does for me (like when he tidied the whole house yesterday while I was out)

Manumission · 01/01/2017 12:06

That's interesting Luchi. I bet it's something like that.

Mynestisfullofempty · 01/01/2017 12:07

diddl what a horrible interpretation to put on it. It's not 'piss-taking' at all.

marcopront · 01/01/2017 12:07

As others have said it may be a cultural thing - a strict translation doesn't always work.
For example in some Latin American cultures saying "te quiero mucho" is a declaration of love but in others it can be a throw away remark. I had a Panamanian boyfriend while living elsewhere in Central America and was never able to find anyone to tell me how serious he was when he said it.
It might help if you told us where your husband is from.

Pollyanna9 · 01/01/2017 12:08

So I think we've estabished it's a culturally-based mis communication. What we find normal he finds unnecessary and therefore possibly slightly insulting that she needs to point it out. Wow, if only all guys would be like this - that they actually think it is a non-negotiable basic requirement to help out like this!

Why don't you OP just say to him hey I'm sorry I said I appreciated what you do yesterday but here this is something that we would say so people don't feel unappreciated - is it not the done thing to say thank you for things like this with you? I didn't mean to offend you etc etc.

That should sort it shouldn't it?

Footinmouthasusual · 01/01/2017 12:09

Bloody hell hes a proper diva op.

Tell him he's being ridiculous and you would appreciate him not continuing being a prize idiot.

As for culture and language differences well really he knows you love him, you've told him it's a nice compliment in your culture and that should be enough.

If he keeps sulking put him on the naughty step. Jees.

ChuckSnowballs · 01/01/2017 12:10

Was it 'I appreciate what you are doing for us but for fucks sake don't put reds in with whites'. In which case, I can see his point.

Otherwise he has definitely got the wrong end of the stick. And that's from someone else not from the UK who didn't understand for years a fair few things people do over here.

neolara · 01/01/2017 12:11

It's definitely a compliment and a nice thing for a wife to say to a dh or vice versa. I think your dh understands the meaning of the word but does not necessarily understand the context of when it is appropriate to use the word. He seems to think it is a very formal word that isn't used within a loving relationship.

Mynestisfullofempty · 01/01/2017 12:12

Would he feel better if you said "I've been thinking about it and have decided I was wrong. I don't appreciate anything you do at all"? Confused
Very strange.

SpookyPotato · 01/01/2017 12:15

Definitely a compliment, we say it all the time. It's lovely!

Megatherium · 01/01/2017 12:15

Of course it's a compliment. You can both love someone and appreciate what they do for you, appreciation and love are not mutually exclusive.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 01/01/2017 12:15

essentially I came into the kitchen in the morning and while I had been in the shower DP had launched a load of laundry and was generally cleaning up and I essentially said 'You know MrTalcott I really appreciate you and everything you do for DD and I' - and i know how lucky I am he really is brilliant - he works long hours but still does lots around the house, cooks, cleans and is so hands on and with DD7mths.

Maybe he just thinks it is appropriate that he does such work (even if it is culturally designated as women's work?). When my DP does similar I do not thank him because I simply consider this as "pulling his equal weight".

AntiQuitty · 01/01/2017 12:16

You "essentially" said? What were the actual words?

With what you "essentially" said it sounds like you're in a new relationship and you are somehow grateful he does things for you and someone else's child.

velourvoyageur · 01/01/2017 12:17

Maybe he's pissed off for another reason and is holding onto this because he won't/can't develop his thoughts on the something else. Just a possibility.

WeAllHaveWings · 01/01/2017 12:17

Language and culture aside he should just accept it was sincerely meant as a compliment with no intention to insult and bloody move on. Can he explain why he can't do this?

Sounds like he is enjoying playing the injured party and making you feel guilty just a little too much.