Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is upset that I told him "I appreciated him'

147 replies

Talcott2007 · 01/01/2017 11:43

Help settle a disagreement between me and DP!

So a fews weekends ago I had a what I thought was a pretty unremarkable conversation with DP - essentially I came into the kitchen in the morning and while I had been in the shower DP had launched a load of laundry and was generally cleaning up and I essentially said 'You know MrTalcott I really appreciate you and everything you do for DD and I' - and i know how lucky I am he really is brilliant - he works long hours but still does lots around the house, cooks, cleans and is so hands on and with DD7mths.

So he took the micky at bit at the time, he does when I tell him I love him too - not in an unkind way but I do tell him I love him lots! Anyway yesterday he kept going on and on about if i appreciate this or appreciate that so I said why are you going on about it?! Turns out he was really offended by me saying I appreicate him?!?

He insists it isn't a compliment to say this! I even checked incase something was lost in translation as although DP is totally fluent, English is his 2nd Language. But nope he seems to understand what it means. I asked if he appreciates what I do and he said no, he loves me and it's different, you can appreciate the work a colleague does but not your partner?!?!

I honestly don't know how saying you appreciate someone could be anything other than a nice thing to say?!

It was HIS suggestion to ask on MN about it!

So who's right? Was it a compliment or insulting?

OP posts:
BeastofChristmasIsland · 01/01/2017 12:18

It's definitely a compliment, I say it to DP a lot because he does loads and I really do appreciate it. He says it to me too and it's lovely; I think it's really important to appreciate things like that and not take it for granted.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/01/2017 12:20

Perhaps it just sounded to him a bit like a contrived speech? I know you didn't mean it that way but you have no control over how something is received when you say it. Perhaps that's what he doesn't like... it's not a loving couple phrase, just awkward to him.

I know I'm in a minority but I would find it a bit jarring too. It's like when I used to have a boyfriend who would hold my face, look deep into my eyes and tell me he loved me, no break in eye contact. It used to creep me out and I would pull my face away because of the intensity of it all. I'm happier that my husband will just pull my hair and say "love you" as he walks past.

Ask him why he didn't like it, what it meant to him, perhaps?

stubbornstains · 01/01/2017 12:21

I had a Greek boyfriend once (in Greece) who found me thanking him for anything extremely strange and unneccessary. He said Greeks pretty much never say "thank you", and from my observation this seemed to be so. Or "please", for that matter. Using either regularly could be construed as taking the piss, apparently. Total headfuck for an English person.

SparklyGlitterPants · 01/01/2017 12:22

I said similar to dh recently, had a migraine attack that lasted 3 days so everything child and house related got left to him. I said "thanks for everything you have done over the last three days. I really appreciate it and i love you"

He got slightly thick with me then. Apparently there's no need to be saying that as it's obvious he was going to do it. That i'm his wife and it's only right that he does everything and look after me when i wasn't well.

We're both irish so no language cultural difference. It's just apparently a given and obvious.

(It wasnt obvious to me as a year ago he was a lazy fucker who needed a kick up the arse about the division of housework Grin

ETanny · 01/01/2017 12:22

Definitely a compliment...I even asked Dh who agreed with me.

ChickenPoop · 01/01/2017 12:24

It is a compliment however not something I think I'd ever verbalise to DH. I expect us to look out for each other. I don't expect to thank him for covering the relationship basics and likewise dont expect thanks from him.

It's the sort of thing I'd say to a friend or colleague if they'd done me a huge favour.

KayTee87 · 01/01/2017 12:24

Very much a compliment. My dh and I should probably say it more to each other.
Going to take a leaf out of your book op.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 01/01/2017 12:25

I too have a DP who is fluent in English but it's not his first language. I can remember him pulling me up on saying 'I appreciate you' to him once. In his case he said it just sounded too formal and overdone. So I wonder if British politeness might seem a bit stilted and excessive on occasion to someone from a different culture.

Then again, my DP is not very effusive. I can imagine him saying something like, 'But I told you I loved you in 1993 and I'll let you know if anything changes!'

dowhatnow · 01/01/2017 12:26

Ask him if he would rather be taken for granted.

Annie592 · 01/01/2017 12:27

When I'd been in my job for a couple of months, a group of us all went to an event for a couple of days. It was great fun, and I felt like I'd really bonded with the group of work people I'd gone with. When we came to leave, one of the guys said 'thanks for all your help over the past few days Annie'. Which sounds like (no, IS!) a really nice thing to say, but I honestly felt weirdly put out by the comment- like I wasn't 'one of them', somehow, jusy someone who was 'helping out'. Don't get me wrong- I knew this was me being stupid, and that it was actually a really nice thing that he had thanked me- but nonetheless it's how I felt in that moment- so just thought it might be a similar kind of thing? Maybe 'appreciate' sounds kind of formal somehow to your DP, like something you'd say to someone you didn't know that well? Not saying I agree- I think it's a lovely thing to say, just wondering if it could just be something like that- where, to him, it feels it's odd language for a couple for whatever reason. Language can be strange!!

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 12:30

Talcott2007 I really do think it is a lost in transalation thing.

because he said "...you can appreciate the work a colleague does but not your partner..."

"He insists it isn't a compliment to say this! I even checked incase something was lost in translation as although DP is totally fluent, English is his 2nd Language. But nope he seems to understand what it means. I asked if he appreciates what I do and he said no, he loves me and it's different, you can appreciate the work a colleague does but not your partner ?!?!"

I am English, and a former language teacher (of English) and I would say you can appreciate the work a colleague *AND you can appreciate the help of your partner or of any other person....

He does understand the meaning of the word but how it may be applied in his own language is different to how it is applied in English.

I once heard of an English man with his Spanish speaking wife, she never used the word please with him as she felt she did not need to, please was for other people not for her own husband.

Are there any Spanish/Latin American people can say this is true?

Anyway, even if it is only true for this one man and his wife, it shows how we use language varies. Even if we think we understand the meaning!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/01/2017 12:30

So that's the option is it? Either OP's husband does cartwheels in response to something that has grated on him for whatever reason - or he deserves and should be taken for granted? People are strange.

I don't understand why posters check with each other on here about something that they've said to their partners. The only person who can clarify, and the only person whose opinion matters, is the partner's.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 01/01/2017 12:34

Wow. There are a lot of people on this thread that appear not to have any understanding of cultural differences. Or just plain differences in perception. There's really no need to be nasty to or about him, he sounds lovely.

I think Talcott, that you said it with the loveliest of intentions, but I can see how he felt offended. He put some family laundry on, he was cleaning & tidying his family home, he does things to care for his daughter etc and by being thanked or appreciated for doing so is a bit like saying it's not as much his house & daughter as yours. I can see where you are both coming from.

DameDeDoubtance · 01/01/2017 12:39

He is bonkers, it's a lovely thing to say.

GTS · 01/01/2017 12:41

My husband and I say it all the time. And i really do appreciate everything he does, he does so much more than a lot of husbands I know. I think it's weird that he doesn't accept it's a compliment..it definitely is!

PerspicaciaTick · 01/01/2017 12:42

Would he prefer to be unappreciated? For his small kindnesses and help to go unnoticed, unvalued and unmentioned?

RhiWrites · 01/01/2017 12:49

I love my partner but I read a lot on advice forums about crap partners and that makes me appreciate him too. Especially when he sees s job needs doing and just does it.

I think OP's husband is a bit of a dick for teasing her and ragging on her about the nice thing she said to him. Way to go to stop future compliments.

LobsterQuadrille · 01/01/2017 12:49

As PP have said, it sounds like a language issue - he may have learned the verb "to appreciate" in a context where he's placed it in a certain box and considers anything outside the box inappropriate.

I had a Canadian boyfriend who would say I looked "quite nice" when he meant "extremely nice". To me it was lukewarm but to him it was a huge compliment.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/01/2017 12:52

The endless 'pleases' and 'thankyous' used in many UK English speaking households are the exception in my experience.

Most cultures I've worked with think its weird that we say please and thankyou for the most trivial action between close family members where they would regard it as at least mildly insulting to be thanked for a small personal service - eg picking a dropped item from the floor. It was most striking to me in Scandi cultures but I've observed similar throughout Europe.

Original poster
Talcott2007 · 01/01/2017 13:25

Thank you all for your opinions! I really didn't expect so many! DP is French for those who asked. I have shown him the thread and I think it does really boil down to something getting lost somehow in translation - message sent was not message recieved. It was honestly only said with good intentions, and in no way ment to be sarcastic! Just to express how I don't take for granted everything he does - because he really does a lot and I think he is brilliant! But from his point of view i guess that he doesn't see what he does as exceptional or special so why would I 'appreciate' something that normal for him to do IYKWIM. This is the first time we have resorted to 'taking it to MN' but joke all the time about doing if we cant agree something! All is harmonious in HouseTalcott once more...

OP posts:
TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 01/01/2017 13:27

Lovely 💐

Olympiathequeen · 01/01/2017 13:32

Absolutely a compliment!

DH expects a medal if he load the dishwasher as well as gushing praise.

You have an amazing man please clone him

user1471545174 · 01/01/2017 13:36

It's a compliment- show him the thread Smile

user1471545174 · 01/01/2017 13:36

Cancel the cheque Blush Grin

GeekyWombat · 01/01/2017 13:42

Absolutely a compliment. I say it to my DH a lot, almost as much as I say I love him. For me I think it's important to tell him I don't take him for granted and that I appreciate the things he does make home life better (e.g. Right now he's putting a massive pile of washing away so I've got space to do some bits in the utility room.)

He does the same to me too and it means a lot, especially as primary carer / working from home means a lot of the day to day crap stuff falls to me and is done unobserved.