DP is upset that I told him "I appreciated him'

[Talcott2007]

Help settle a disagreement between me and DP!

So a fews weekends ago I had a what I thought was a pretty unremarkable conversation with DP - essentially I came into the kitchen in the morning and while I had been in the shower DP had launched a load of laundry and was generally cleaning up and I essentially said 'You know MrTalcott I really appreciate you and everything you do for DD and I' - and i know how lucky I am he really is brilliant - he works long hours but still does lots around the house, cooks, cleans and is so hands on and with DD7mths.

So he took the micky at bit at the time, he does when I tell him I love him too - not in an unkind way but I do tell him I love him lots! Anyway yesterday he kept going on and on about if i appreciate this or appreciate that so I said why are you going on about it?! Turns out he was really offended by me saying I appreicate him?!?

He insists it isn't a compliment to say this! I even checked incase something was lost in translation as although DP is totally fluent, English is his 2nd Language. But nope he seems to understand what it means. I asked if he appreciates what I do and he said no, he loves me and it's different, you can appreciate the work a colleague does but not your partner?!?!

I honestly don't know how saying you appreciate someone could be anything other than a nice thing to say?!

It was HIS suggestion to ask on MN about it!

So who's right? Was it a compliment or insulting?

Oh and OP it's a lovely compliment, I say it to my DH all the time but I don't think he's ever said it to me... He's not particularly demonstrative in that way, which is an hurdle in our relationship but as an example of how much I really do appreciate him, he gets up every single morning without exception to deal with the kids and let's me sleep in (in the holidays anyway! Not looking forward to that first school run morning in a couple of days!) He does this without a grumble, I don't know how!

steppingontoes because the man was not saying look what I have done for you!

As a mum I am expected to feed my kids. Indeed, they would be taken from me (rightly) if I did not. Yet I still hope for (and expect) thank you -s from them.

I would really dislike being picked up for being polite or for expecting politeness from others!

Yet in Indonesian I removed my shoes before going in anywhere, even a photo stand thing if that was what the locals did, which they did.

I learnt the words for thank you and you're welcome etc in most countries I visited. In Spain it was very clear my frequent grasias were not welcomed so I stopped!

Learning other people's cultural manners is not so hard, IMHO. Although some oxygen nuances are and I think people probably extended me lots of leeway when I did things they found impplote!

Of the not oxygen! Sorry on phone!

Well I would take it as a compliment but maybe he thought you were being patronising? Maybe by going out of your way to praise him for some household chores might seem as though you are highlighting that fact that he was actually doing some chores, as though it's uncommon for him to do chores? Sounds crazy I know but maybe he's a bit touchy about his contributions to running the household?

English people's (over)use of please, thank you, "how are you?" without really wishing to know the answer, etc. is very much seen as insincere and evidence of a bad trait we're raised to have

I think to be fair, this dos sound a bit judgey and harsh! Saying please and thank you are not evidence of insincerity! We do rely on a code of politeness to oil the wheels and we do say please, thank you and sorry a lot. All countries have their little ways of oiling the wheels - in France you might say hello to people in a lift or customers in a shop you've entered. In the UK you would never do that. That doesn't make French people insincere - it is one of their mechanisms of social interaction that we don't share - but we do say sorry a lot for similar reasons.

Perhaps saying sorry a lot is a safety thing. If both parties say it when you bump into each other, much less chance of a fight!

I don't see that as a bad trait at all, quite the opposite.

I think to be fair, this dos sound a bit judgey and harsh!

I think you need to re-read the sentence you have quoted, in that case. Note "is very much seen as", in place of what I assume you are reading as "I see as".

I'm just pointing out the unduly negative bit. Whether it's your view or a view you are reporting, that bit is harsh. That was the question and there's the answer.

I can see that other nationalities might not interpret our use of please and thank you etc the same as a native would but since you also describe British failure to understand other cultures as "ignorance and arrogance", should we also describe someone not hearing a compliment where it was meant as "ignorance and arrogance" because they have failed to understand our culture?

I don't think that's what you meant by the way. But that's what Italiangreyhound was alluding to, I think.

I'm just pointing out the unduly negative bit. Whether it's your view or a view you are reporting, that bit is harsh. That was the question and there's the answer.

What question, sorry? I was accused of sounding 'quite angry' about British culture and 'judging it harshly'. I stated that I could find no evidence of me judging it harshly because I knew I had framed it quite deliberately as being the general opinion of a third party and not myself. It was a way of pointing out someone had misread a post without being overly rude. At no point did anyone ask the question "Was a harsh-sounding opinion featured at all in Klaphat's posts?". I would suggest you have a re-read.

I can see that other nationalities might not interpret our use of please and thank you etc the same as a native would but since you also describe British failure to understand other cultures as "ignorance and arrogance", should we also describe someone not hearing a compliment where it was meant as "ignorance and arrogance" because they have failed to understand our culture?

No, because someone not hearing a compliment where it was meant is not sat typing a reply to a thread which has various rather better educated guesses explaining why it might, in fact, be understood as a compliment, and how what is taken to be a compliment and politeness varies from culture to culture and language to language, while then going on to type, "Nah, you're right, it's definitely not a compliment OP, how ridiculous of your spouse!", presumably deigning not to use any brain power on the less simple responses before doing so.

However I will admit that terming it 'British ignorance and arrogance in relation to other cultures' was a bit misleading. It is not something limited to British culture, and I certainly don't think all Brits think like that. It's just that it grates particularly when Brits display it. Though, actually, it probably grates more if Danes do these days - I'm less bothered now about ignorant Brits somehow reflecting badly on me, and more bothered about ignorant Danes directly impacting on my existence in their country. I don't come across ignorant Danes' opinions quite as often, though.

I wish I was appreciated for everything I do for my DH but I'm not and it really gets me down. I can't understand where your DH is coming from on this one

You appreciated what he does for YOUR family. Perhaps he feels excluded.

Perhaps he is suggesting you could better show how you you appreciate him with a blow job or similar?!

It's a compliment,he's got the wrong end of the stick some how OP.

I had a flat tyre and on Tuesday morning after a nightshirt my DH crawled under my car in the wind and rain and changed my tyre - I heaped the appreciation on because I did appreciate it. I can't see why he's offended and think it surely must be a language thing?

There are lots of cultural/different family things that just don't work in another place or language. My husband finds it downright odd and quite unpleasant if I say I'm 'proud' of him, or 'proud' of the children, as he thinks of pride as one of the deadly sins and it's just not something he would ever say in his culture. To us, saying 'I'm so proud of you standing up there on the stage' is a normal thing, to him pride is like a puffed up over-importance and why would you praise someone for that?!

Take it he isn't usually the type of person who could start a fight in an empty house?

Going back to page one, I'd like to say how much I appreciate this turn of phrase (which I'd not heard before).

I don't see anything other than a compliment in it - love is a feeling we have, but saying we appreciate what someone does for us shows that we are thinking about how much we like them, and why. You need both :-).

Maybe he can explain what he thinks it means or implies that is not good (his interpretation seems to be clearly different from most people's, so he should try to express why he feels this way, that's only reasonable)?

You can probably agree not to say it again, if he really has a problem with it - but it seems a shame! There is also a danger that he would misinterpret it from other friends too as an unpleasant thing, so it would probably be better in the long run if he could accept that he confused the meaning a little here).

My husband would be pleased if I said I appreciate something he does. he's always saying he feels taken for granted at times.

Non Brit here.

I can see what he is saying.
When you are with work colleagues, you will thank them and tell them you appreciate xx because they will have done something that isn't expected from their work/have been nice.
There is also an idea of transaction. They are nice with you, you are nice to them (by stroking their ego with your thanks).

In a loving relationship, if the idea is that because you love that person, then of course, you will WANT to be nice. Or you will want to help your partner/make their life easier. Then It's not something that is a bonus in the relationship. It's is just 'normal'.
The other side of the coin is that, if helping your partner is a bonus and should be celebrated, then does it mean that said partner doesn't love you enough for that to be automatic? HEnce the showing the appreciation being more of an insult than a good thing.

I have to say I've had to learn to show appreciation towards DH. It doesn't come automatically to me either. And it feel strange to do so. Why should I thank him to do setting that really he should be expected to do (like helping if he sees I'm struggling because that's what someone who loves me would want to do??)

But I think it runs deeper than that. It has been a culture shock for me learn that people here think the only unconditional love they have is for their children. Their love for their partner is conditional.
Of course, in that case, transactions are essentials (the 'I show you I appreciate you' and vice-versa is needed. Because you only love that person on certain grounds).
For me, a truly loving relationship is much more unconditional. It doesn't depend on me giving positive strokes to my partner so they can feel good about themselves and will want to be nice to me. Yes I will do nice things for DH just because I love him, not to get a thanks. I don't expect it. I'm giving wo expectation of return (unconditional love?).
This was very clear when I met DH. He was buying his first house and said house needed quite a bit of TLC. I spent quite a few weekends helping him cleaning the house, washing walls etc... DH was astonished to see me do that. I thought it was the most normal thing in the world to do because that's what being a partner/gf/bf means. He needed support so I helped him.

To come back to the OP, if she is still reading that, my advice would be to NOT go into argument about who is right and who is wrong. But for you two to learn what is actually involved in a romantic/loving relationship because you seem to have different ideas and therefore different sets of expectations, even if it doesn't seem to be on the surface (by experience, it's when things get hard that this differences come out and make it very hard!)

You see flyng I don't feel taken for granted if I don't get some thanks. I have done that by choice because helping DH makes me happy iyswim.
I do feel taken for granted when this is not reciprocated and he is not thinking about me and my needs the same way that he is thinking about himself and his needs. When I have to thank him for doing something 'for' me, aka when I feel I'm actually not so important to his eyes that he will my needs above his (e.g. If he helps me cook when he might have preferred spending that time on FB)

It's a lovely complement. The opposite is taking someone for granted, which I'd the death of relationship for me.
To appreciate someone means to really see all they do, and all they are, and to be grateful for same.
I think with your dh it must be a lost in translation thing.

Definitely a lovely compliment! Show him all posts! I would think it must be just a little lost in translation x

MeetTheMartian - I found your comment very interesting. It also surprises me your interpretation of 'conditional love', it does not mean that my husband has to stroke my ego and tell me I'm amazing, however it does mean that if he was ever violent towards me or our children (which is not in his nature) he would be out of my life pretty quickly. However, your children are the product of what you make them, they do something wrong then it's your job to educate them and put them on the right path. I find it interesting that the unconditional love would be applied to someone you choose to keep in your life. Not in a judgy way, just interesting view point.

Op- glad you got that sorted. My Spanish DH has learned to tell me that he appreciates me as I run his whole life for him (just how he likes it) and I often feel taken for granted...

I WISH my family told me they appreciated me.

It is a compliment and a respectful thing to say. I'm sorry he doesn't understand that because it's probably one of the nicest things a person can say to their partner. Too often people forget to acknowledge all the nice things their partner does for them.