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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP is upset that I told him "I appreciated him'

147 replies

Talcott2007 · 01/01/2017 11:43

Help settle a disagreement between me and DP!

So a fews weekends ago I had a what I thought was a pretty unremarkable conversation with DP - essentially I came into the kitchen in the morning and while I had been in the shower DP had launched a load of laundry and was generally cleaning up and I essentially said 'You know MrTalcott I really appreciate you and everything you do for DD and I' - and i know how lucky I am he really is brilliant - he works long hours but still does lots around the house, cooks, cleans and is so hands on and with DD7mths.

So he took the micky at bit at the time, he does when I tell him I love him too - not in an unkind way but I do tell him I love him lots! Anyway yesterday he kept going on and on about if i appreciate this or appreciate that so I said why are you going on about it?! Turns out he was really offended by me saying I appreicate him?!?

He insists it isn't a compliment to say this! I even checked incase something was lost in translation as although DP is totally fluent, English is his 2nd Language. But nope he seems to understand what it means. I asked if he appreciates what I do and he said no, he loves me and it's different, you can appreciate the work a colleague does but not your partner?!?!

I honestly don't know how saying you appreciate someone could be anything other than a nice thing to say?!

It was HIS suggestion to ask on MN about it!

So who's right? Was it a compliment or insulting?

OP posts:
Poole5 · 01/01/2017 13:50

Your partner sounds a twit

Lynnm63 · 01/01/2017 14:39

I thought it was a compliment but I read your post out to my dh to see what he thought. He agreed it was a compliment. I say it to him a lot not because he's incapable of tidying or cleaning more an acknowledgement that he's done boring grunt work. I like to be appreciated too as the boring tidying, laundry, shopping etc are often only noticed when they're not done.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 01/01/2017 14:56

Ah. You see in French "je t'apprécie" is the kind of phrase you would use at the very start of a relationship to avoid saying "I love you" but to mean that you think the relationship is on the right track. Kind of "you mean a lot to me" if you see what I mean.

Whereas "I really appreciate you doing x y z" is considered a compliment and also really thoughtful in English.

Just a "lost in translation" thing. Not to worry.

Foxysoxy01 · 01/01/2017 15:18

He is being a little odd Confused but then I'm not French so maybe it's a common miscommunication.

I really like it when people tell me they appreciate me especially loved ones. I would find what you said very kind and would feel pleased. It would give me a little spring in my step.

What did DH say when you showed him the replies?

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 15:23

Glad all is harmonious again OP.

Klaphat · 01/01/2017 15:42

Most cultures I've worked with think its weird that we say please and thankyou for the most trivial action between close family members where they would regard it as at least mildly insulting to be thanked for a small personal service - eg picking a dropped item from the floor. It was most striking to me in Scandi cultures but I've observed similar throughout Europe.

Can confirm, at one point recently I thanked Scandi DH for doing something that is probably trivial and to be expected from someone to their loved one, and he said it was weird and cringey. English people's (over)use of please, thank you, "how are you?" without really wishing to know the answer, etc. is very much seen as insincere and evidence of a bad trait we're raised to have.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 15:50

Klaphat and yet it I'd set of our culture. Harmless surely. And not totally insincere on many cases. I've met Japanese people far more polite than English.

It is how many of us are and any man, or woman, who marries an English person should surely understand this?

Klaphat · 01/01/2017 17:01

It is how many of us are and any man, or woman, who marries an English person should surely understand this?

On the first instance of it (in the OP's case, using 'I appreciate you', and in mine, thanking my husband in a slightly contrived manner) occurring? No, why would they? Do we expect them to keenly study the habits of their future partner's countrymen and women prior to getting together with them? In a multicultural/multi-language couple, you discover these things as and when they crop up, and a lot of them are so starkly contrasting in the two cultures that it can take time and a lot of effort to begin to understand how the other half sees it.

mygorgeousmilo · 01/01/2017 17:07

It's a compliment! And I doubt you can have deep and true love, WITHOUT appreciation and respect for each other. My husband once in a while makes a big deal of telling me he appreciates me, usually when we've had a lot on as a family and I've had to manage loads, or there's been some kind of big upheaval or what have you (yes he helps too). It really gives me a boost, but he tells me he loves me and shows me he loves me every day. The appreciation bit is different, and yes is very much a compliment

Topseyt · 01/01/2017 17:18

It is a compliment. Absolutely no question at all.

What did he say on reading the thread?

ZombieJenna · 01/01/2017 17:19

DH tells me that he appreciates everything I do for him and DSD, that it might not always be remarked on but it is always noticed. I thank him for doing the washing, cleaning and washing up just like he thanks me for running the house and cooking. It doesn't matter that they're our jobs to do it's always nice to know that your efforts have been noticed and appreciated.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 01/01/2017 17:21

I'd absolutely love to be told I'm appreciated.

Bluntness100 · 01/01/2017 17:24

Well if he was a reading this, then hopefully he understands yes he's being a twat, most normal people wIsh to be appreciated.

But why do you feel the need to constantly tell him you love him, that's also not quite right,

Fartleks · 01/01/2017 17:28

DH and myself appreciate eachother. It's positive!!

RainyDayBear · 01/01/2017 18:14

I always tell DP I appreciate him doing things and thank him. I just think it's nice - it's usually just for things he does as standard like get up early with DD, bring me a coffee etc. But I do appreciate what a lovely person he is and how he more than pulls his weight and am basically trying to make it clear that I don't take him for granted!

haveacupoftea · 01/01/2017 18:40

Hmm at the notion British people are being insincere when we say please or thank you! I always mean it when I say it, especially if someone is offering me a cuppa Smile

Klaphat · 01/01/2017 19:58

Hmm at the notion British people are being insincere when we say please or thank you! I always mean it when I say it, especially if someone is offering me a cuppa Smile

And do you actually want to hear a genuine answer every single time you say "How do you do?". Because it would be spectacularly un-British of you if you do. It all combines to form an impression that some other countries have of our manners. Just like with the Japan example someone had upthread - plenty of people see that as excessive and just something they're taught to do without thinking - just as we say "excuse me" as a reflex when someone else walks into us.

Scoffing at the notion on Mumsnet isn't going to magically help large portions of the rest of the world immediately understand every nuance of British behaviour. Which seems to be what some people on this thread demand of these dreadful non-Brits. How dare they not just know and 'get' these things and do everything exactly the same as us?

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 20:07

Klaphat I don't expect non Broys to magically get it. I guess if you marry someone from another culture I would expect some degree of understanding.

You sound quite angry about British culture!

I like the fact people in Britain are very polite. I've travelled a lot. Different cultures are also polite in different ways. I understand my own culture better for travelling, I think.

I certainly don't judge it as harshly as you seem to.

Our 'politness' comes, I think, from being a small, highly populated island, much like Japan! No where to run to, so 've nice to people! Sometimes I even mean it when I say "How are you?'

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 20:08

Brits not Broys!

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 20:14

klapphat I am not picking am argument. Just curious. You don't need to reply.

I wonder if the OP's dh spoke to her in his native tongue and she took issue with it whether she would be viewed as being unreasonable?

Klaphat · 01/01/2017 20:14

You sound quite angry about British culture!

I like the fact people in Britain are very polite. I've travelled a lot. Different cultures are also polite in different ways. I understand my own culture better for travelling, I think.

I certainly don't judge it as harshly as you seem to.

I don't judge British culture harshly at all - and having looked over my posts, I can find no evidence suggesting I do.

What I do judge is British ignorance and arrogance in relation to other cultures, which is in evidence in several posts in this thread (and often in other threads across Mumsnet).

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 20:17

Ah ok I see what you mean.

SteppingOnToes · 01/01/2017 20:21

How many women get pissed off when a guy says 'look what I have done for you' hoovering for example and expects thanks. How is thanking him in this scenario any different to that? He is doing it because he is an adult and a decent human being...

Liara · 01/01/2017 20:27

^I once heard of an English man with his Spanish speaking wife, she never used the word please with him as she felt she did not need to, please was for other people not for her own husband.

Are there any Spanish/Latin American people can say this is true?^

In my culture (LatAm) tone has a lot to do with how polite a request is perceived, and some people would consider saying 'por favor' to be a reasonably formal thing to do and wouldn't necessarily do it all the time with family.

In my family people and their social circle people will actually say 'please' (in English) or 'porfa/porfi' as a more informal way to request something nicely.

I know I sometimes come across as abrupt/rude to dh in situations where I really am not meaning to be. Luckily he is very understanding and usually can see through to the intention underneath!

LittleWingSoul · 01/01/2017 20:37

Italiangreyhound re your point about Latin Americans and Spanish and the use of please/thank you... You are right, as Liara has just explained. I am half Latina.

Unlearning the constant please and thank you-ing is hard though and I imagine even though my Spanish accent is very good (I've been told!) lots of nuances of Britishness would show in the way I speak... I've noticed my dry wit and sarcasm doesn't translate very well when I speak with some of my Spanish friends but the Spanish speaking world is large so this may not be true across the board!