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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fucking ex-wife and PIL

481 replies

FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 08:03

So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and his family still host her at Christmas and new year.

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to her house as I feel I'm made un-welcome. They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

We've been together about 7 years and married 2, the kids and I get on and they love coming to ours and are made very welcome.

AIBU to feel annoyed that they still treat the EW like they should treat me...gah

OP posts:
NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 14:21

Maybe SIL got more involved with the ex after the split to maintain a relationship with the children.

But why does the SIL need to have a relationship with their mum to do that? Her brother is their father!

Cornishclio · 31/12/2016 14:23

Yes it is a bit weird and I can understand you being upset by your SIL still keeping photos of your DH with EX particularly if they split 10 years ago. My BIL left my sister this year after 29 years and we have not sent him a card and he is totally excluded from family celebrations now. I think the issue with your PIL is that they want to maintain contact with the children and perhaps they feel it would be easier for them to see them if they invite her too particularly if she has no close family. Does that mean you and your DH don't see the children or your PIL? That must be tough on your DH. Is there a back story? - i.e. Did you and DH get together while he was still married? I am guessing not if they split 10 years ago and you have only been together for 7. Maybe they blame your DH for divorce?

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 14:24

Op you have every right to maintain a distance between your SIL, from what you have said, its not a relationship I would want either, if your sIL has taken an instant dislike to you. She can still have a relationship with her niece and nephew through their dad, that's what normally happens. But anyway, she knows your not coming to hers so invites her brothers ex.

What I would like to know, how does she treat your kids. Op has said she has two kids of her own with her dh. Does she want a relationship with them?

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 14:25

Does that mean you and your DH don't see the children

The OP says the DCs enjoy coming to her house and that they get on.......?

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 14:27

aeroflot
She can still have a relationship with her niece and nephew through their dad, that's what normally happens.

I'm beginning to wonder if it is 'normal' TBH - reading this thread suggests that all contact with family DCs must be arranged and approved via their mum, irrespective of family relationships!

grannytomine · 31/12/2016 14:31

I don't see why the PIL and SIL can't have a friendship with the ew but not have here there every Christmas and New Year. You don't have to have all your friends to every family event. Surely after ten years she has other people to see? Or is his family her only social life? Does she even have a family of her own? I think it is weird. I see my sons ex because of the children, we get on but if my son and his girlfriend are here I wouldn't invite her round to a family get together just like I don't expect her to invite me to her house when she has her new partners family round for Christmas dinner. Things move on.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 14:32

Surely New he gets contact, so during their fathers contact, he can take them to his sisters. Thought that's what normally happens when a relationship ends.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 14:34

reading this thread suggests that all contact with family DCs must be arranged and approved via their mum, irrespective of family relationships!

Where are you reading this? I can see no posts that suggest this at all.

I agree with Aero.

1horatio · 31/12/2016 14:38

Btw, even though I do think the OP is being unreasonable toward the EW I think it's understandable that she's frustrated. I don't really get along with MIL (but luckily I do get along very well with the other inlaws) and I do think that this can be very hurtful...

I come from a family where the husband/wife of a family member is regarded as family and welcomed. So, it seems horrible to me that SIL isn't doing that.

It seems to me, personally, like the issue is the SIL. Not sure what to do there, I'm still struggling with MIL, who certainly doesn't seem to regard me as family either...

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 14:42

I don't get the impression op is angry at the EW at all, its the SIL that she is upset with and her behaviour. She has every right to be upset at sIL. It does not sound like she has a relationship with her anyway, and does not look like she goes there at all.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 14:42

There have been several posts that suggest that the PIL are keeping the ExDIL "onside" in order to maintain contact with their DCG:

I think the issue with your PIL is that they want to maintain contact with the children and perhaps they feel it would be easier for them to see them if they invite her too

Maybe SIL got more involved with the ex after the split to maintain a relationship with the children

This is about the PIL wanting to maintain contact with the grandchildren and doing all they can to keep in with the exDIL,

1horatio · 31/12/2016 14:45

aero

Well, the title 'fucking ex-wife' may have given that impression. Shrug.

I do think she has a right to be angry at SIL

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 14:47

New none of the 3 comments you posted back up your claim that the thread suggests all contact must go through mum.

The comments suggest that having a good relationship with mum can result in more contact with the children or better contact not all the contact.

Olympiathequeen · 31/12/2016 14:49

Doesn't sound angry with the exW despite calling her the 'fucking ex wife' ?
Hahahahaha

I'd hate to hear what she calls someone she really doesn't like!

birdybirdywoofwoof · 31/12/2016 14:52

Blimey, if my parents invited my Ex-Husband for Xmas day, and if my sister still had photos of us together on display after 10 years, I would be beyond gutted. What disloyalty.

Crunchymum · 31/12/2016 14:53

I can't understand how between both PIL and exW no one has stopped and thought about how rude this set up is for the OP?

I think the DH needs to speak with his parents about this.

What happens when and if the OP has children?

I get on fabulously with my MIL and have no doubt if I split with DP, I would still be welcomed with open arms. But if DP had a new partner I'd find a way to make it work. No way would I monopolise Christmas and New Year. I mean how fucking dense is the exW?

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 14:54

SIL doesn't really have anything to do with our 2 kids, I send her pictures of them and used to tag her on Facebook so she got to see how kids are doing.

PIL don't hate me but are loyal to SIL and try to brush it all over when we speak to them about it, I've really tried hard with all of them and don't really know where I went wrong.

Maybe this is the year that we got NC with them all. EW has never met anyone else but I do wonder what will happen whether my PIL/SIL will have her new partner at their house which would be extra weird in my eyes

OP posts:
1horatio · 31/12/2016 14:58

crunchy

I can't understand how between both PIL and exW no one has stopped and thought about how rude this set up is for the OP?

Why is it rude?

I do think the OP sounds angry at exW and I don't see anything that suggest she deserves that (may have missed an update, admittedly).
But SIL sounds awful.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 15:06

That's a shame, that is not on. Sounds like you already distanced from SIL so NC won't be too hard. If there really isn't anything, and SIL has taken an instant dislike to you, there is not a lot you can do. Cut ties with them and live your lives. Good on your dh for supporting you, so he should!

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 15:08

Does Sil see your dh kids from exW. Is she closer to them.

WannaBe · 31/12/2016 15:12

But we only know one side of the story here. Is it possible for instance that the OP's DH cheated on his ex (not with the OP but someone else,) and they took her side?

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 15:13

We are and from what op has said, I would go NC with SIL, not PIL but certainly one who is nasty and spiteful towards me.

iminshock · 31/12/2016 15:15

YABVU
You can't police anyone's relationships.
They like her. Get over it.

JustWoman · 31/12/2016 15:18

When I met dh he'd been separated from his ex for three years. He was 24 at the time and had a five year old DS.

The first few Christmas his ex would be there. She'd be at every family gathering sils wedding, mils bdays etc and even went on holidays with mil and sil. Dhs family were welcoming to me, mil had let me move in with her when my own mum kicked me out when I was 20 (long story and resolved). It bothered me and I hated it but I kept my mouth shut, I know dh felt awkward but he also kept his mouth shut. The only reason it bothered me is I was jealous. That's it really. I'd take her lack of chatting to me as a snub, when in reality she probably felt as awkward as me.

Looking back I know I was the one in the wrong, she was a young single mum and while she had her own family, dhs family were also her family, they wanted to support her too. I had no right to ask them to stop doing things they'd done for the last three years just because I'd come along and I'm so so so glad I didn't. A pp said something about it not promoting good relations if op has DC in future. I actually found the opposite, being able to be at least civil around the ex in front of half siblings isn't a bad thing.

Things haven't been perfect and we've had issues with his ex at times, we aren't the best of friends but she's a great mum and has always wanted the best for her DS and I'm the first to back her up if I think she's right.

We both turned up at sils wedding in the same fucking dress! One of dhs aunts called me by her name a few times, even tears after I'd been with dh and one year after dh I had been together for 10 years she wrote our Christmas card to dh and his ex. She was mortified and fixed it by crossing the ex name out and putting mine on top!! It wasn't in malice though so I laughed it off and tease them about it all the time.

It's hard but if they've had her round for Xmas before you came along, it's unreasonable for you and dh to ask them to stop. If they are hostile to you I doubt it's because his ex is friends with them, they'd be hostile without her there too. Dh should def emotion that but without blaming the ex, I can see why that added in the mix is upsetting you though.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 15:22

Sorry, haven't updated as to why I dislike EW...she rants on Facebook what an awful father DH is when she makes it very difficult for him to see the kids, we're meant to have kids every other Christmas and this doesn't happen.

I think PIL keep her onside as she's very volatile and slags me off to kids...luckily they gave me a chance to prove that I'm not the evil step mother that she makes out.

I think they know what she is like but they want to keep seeing the kids, she has all the power and knows how to use it and she is very bitter that DH divorced her (even after all this time)

OP posts:
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