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AIBU?

AIBU to feel really upset by this comment from DD?

188 replies

Luce14 · 31/12/2016 04:59

It's been 2 years since my mum passed away (today, well, now yesterday)... I visited the church he is buried at last year and obviously did the same this year. I asked my DD (now 19) and DS if they would please come with me again this year. My mum did so much for them, it really isn't a big ask. Son straight away agreed and DD replied with "sorry, I'm in the middle of watching a film" I said we could go after and she said "to be honest mum, I just can't be bothered today". I honestly was heartbroken. I'd maybe, slightly be a bit more understanding if she had been super busy but she has been off for 2 weeks! AIBU?

OP posts:

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Chelazla · 31/12/2016 05:02

No you aren't u. No offence but she sounds selfish. 2 years is no time at all. My Nan died 9 years ago- I miss her every single day. I'm sorry you lost your mum

hesterton · 31/12/2016 05:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Luce14 · 31/12/2016 05:07

I haven't made her feel bad, I didn't say anything, I just went with DS.

Thank you Chelazla

OP posts:

KathArtic · 31/12/2016 05:08

The thing you find comfort in visiting the grave/garden of rest, but others may not. It has to be a personal thing.Maybe she finds it too upsetting.

How much notice did you give her? Next time say you are going the following week and would she come with you, then go on somewhere afterwards for coffee and cake and a chat about grandma. Make it a pleasant and positive experience.

HermioneWoozle · 31/12/2016 05:11

I think YABU a bit, sorry. Perhaps she has just moved on in her mind, has had a nice break and doesn't want to do something which will bring back feelings of sadness.

Everyone grieves in their own way and I wouldn't make it a three line whip for DCs to accompany me. Ask them whether they want to go, if not just leave it.

I think I visited my maternal grandmother's memorial once a year after she died, and that was it. Have lost all of the older generation, and some younger ones, in our extended family in my lifetime, we are a close family and I don't think I have ever visited a grave or memorial other than the one time I mentioned.

It certainly doesn't mean that relatives are not missed, or forgotten. I still dream about them from time to time. We talk about them often.

FixItUpChappie · 31/12/2016 05:12

Her comment was insensitive but I agree with hesterton - many people are very uncomfortable dealing with death and the outward grief of others - not judging but I have observed this to be the case and have felt this way myself.

Bereavement is so personnel and 19yr olds don't always excel in tact

Luce14 · 31/12/2016 05:13

Yeah, I don't think it does bring her comfort, she doesn't see the point. However, it was for me... Maybe that's selfish of me, but at 19, I do think it was a bit mean of her.

OP posts:

Chelazla · 31/12/2016 05:16

I think the op asked if she was u to be upset by the comment and she's not. Her dd comment was really out of order and disrespectful to her nans memory. 2 years is nothing at all. I'm sure if dd had said "it makes me to sad to go" op would have accepted fine but "I can't be bothered"? I don't understand how ppl are making excuses! Sorry!

WilburIsSomePig · 31/12/2016 05:22

No Luce, it's not selfish of you. I would expect another adult, like your daughter, to have a bit of compassion for their own mother.

If she does find it difficult, I'm sure if she'd told you that you would have understood. To dismiss it by saying she was watching a film and just didn't feel like it is just plain horrible.

I think it was a rotten thing for her to do.

WilburIsSomePig · 31/12/2016 05:23

I don't understand how ppl are making excuses!

Me neither Chelazia. We're not talking about some little kid here, there's no excuse for being plain hurtful.

RaeSkywalker · 31/12/2016 05:24

I'm 29 and visited my grandmother's grace for the first time on Christmas Eve. She died 4 years ago. We were close and I miss her terribly- I hadn't visited the grave because if I'm honest, I was a bit scared about how I would feel. I went with DH- no way would I have gone with my mum or grandfather, as I don't want them to be burdened with my grief in addition to their own. I'm really lucky that my family hadn't pushed me to attend earlier.

It might be worth taking to her about why she didn't go with you.

RaeSkywalker · 31/12/2016 05:25

I'd also definitely explain that what she said hurt you. She should know that already though.

Chelazla · 31/12/2016 05:28

It's not about her not wanting to go I don't think more the hurtful and dismissive comment. Me and my Gramps never ever mention my Nan as I instantly cry. I can't help it especially to him, so I wouldn't want to go either but imagine being so heartless! Sorry if I'm not open to other view points I'm just sorry for Luce. I'd be devastated if my dd did this and im usually live n let live!

Tootsiepops · 31/12/2016 05:33

I'm sorry for your loss. My mum died this year, and the grief has at times felt unbearable.

I think YABU for a few reasons. As well as losing my mum, I have also lost my dad and brother. I've never once visited anyone's grave, because, although I loved my family very much, it doesn't mean anything to me. I wouldn't take any comfort from it, nor do I understand why other people do it. My mum, dad and brother are not at their graves - they are gone. I don't need to set aside time to think about them either as I do it every day, a million times per day.

When my mum was buried, it was a bitter cold, windy, snowy, grey day, and at the end of the internment, the celebrant asked everyone to return to their cars so that extended family could have some time by the graveside and I remember think 'no way - it's freezing out here, and my mum would not want me to be cold'

On the other hand, perhaps a visit would have been too distressing for your daughter? Because for some people who are not cold hearted like me it can be overwhelming, and distressing emotions can resurface that are exhausting to deal with. Perhaps that is what your daughter can't be bothered with? Although not very elegantly put really, but I was not very thoughtful as a 19 year old either.

If you have explained to your children that you would like them to go with you to support you, then I can see why your daughter's response is a bit of a kick in the teeth, but other than that, grieving is personal and I wouldn't make her feel bad for not wanting to go.

(also - as my bereavement counsellor gently reminds me, your mum and the loss of your mum will never be fully understood by anyone other than you. Be grateful that your daughter doesn't understand the depths of your grief. She won't until it's your time to go and she has to grieve for you )

HermioneWoozle · 31/12/2016 05:33

I think some people must live a constant life of outrage, drama and disagreement if they blow up at every offhand comment.

Of course it's ok for you to be upset, OP and to say you found her comment a little thoughtless. But then let it go, FFS. Life's too short.

Chelazla · 31/12/2016 05:38

I don't get offended by every comment but it is a little different hermione it's her mum whose passed away. Sure we can allow her to feel sensitive on the subject

HermioneWoozle · 31/12/2016 05:56

I suggest you read my posts again, Chelaza.

FrancisCrawford · 31/12/2016 06:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toomuchtooold · 31/12/2016 06:13

I think the issue is that you wanted her to be there for your sake, and she's maybe not picked that up - she's not picked up that your question "would you like to come with me" was a request for help rather than an offer of something to do IYSWIM. It's thoughtless but she's only just an adult, it maybe hasn't occurred to her that you might want her support.

cricketballs · 31/12/2016 06:13

Op - my DM also passed a year ago, my sister 16 years ago.
I refuse to visit on the anniversary of their deaths but I do on their birthday as the would rather remember a happy time.

I do however appreciate the comment was hurtful and I would explain this to your DD

Trifleorbust · 31/12/2016 06:18

YANBU. She is 19 - plenty old enough to take your feelings into account. If she didn't want to go because it would be upsetting then she should have said. "I can't be bothered" is horribly dismissive and insensitive.

Man10 · 31/12/2016 06:19

I don't understand why anyone would want to visit a grave.

I don't understand why anyone would want "support", in any context, assuming by "support" we don't mean any concrete action that actually solves or mitigates a problem. How does someone else simply being in the vicinity make any difference to anything?

HeddaGabbler · 31/12/2016 06:25

I think Yabu. Did you explain to her that you wanted her there as support for yourself? She's only just 19 so may not have considered it like this.

As for the poster who said its disrespectful of the DD; what a ridiculous overreaction. People grieve in all different ways and not visiting a grave site it a valid choice.

nuttyknitter · 31/12/2016 06:43

I think YABU too. I loved my mum and we had a great relationship but I have never wanted to visit her grave - the mum I remember isn't there and I'd rather remember her in happier ways. Your daughters response wasn't very tactful but it's her choice.

GhostOfChristmasYetToCome · 31/12/2016 06:47

Yes, I agree that not visiting a grave is a valid choice.

For perspective, it used to really irritate my exh because his parents would prioritise going to spend time at the graves of dead people at Christmas, on Mother's Day and birthdays, in favour of spending it with living people who were still there. I agree with him. It was ridiculous.

I haven't been to the grave of anyone other than at their funeral. They are not there.

You might find it comforting and an important part of your grieving process, she doesn't and it says nothing about how she feels about her nan.

As for the support other posters are talking about, I agree completely with Man10. If someone wants to visit a grave that is their choice, but I do think it's unreasonable to expect someone else to go with you and stand next to you in the freezing cold while you do it. Especially if doing so hold no significance to them.

Any, "Do you remember when nan...?" conversations can take place anywhere, not at the graveside. I'm not really sure what people do when they go to graves tbh.

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