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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of my step kids and their rudeness and disrespect.

391 replies

HannahSmithson45 · 30/12/2016 19:19

I feel like crying this evening. Please tell me if it's me overreacting or not.

So my two stepchildren stepson 16 nearly 17 and step daughter 15 are very sporty and along with my dh they go for runs and the gym. During the holidays they have been doing some kind of sporting activity every morning.

My ds is of a similar age and is not very active, however I encouraged him to join in on the activities yesterday and today. Yesterday they left my ds behind will our running (this is dh as well). So eventually because it is a lap around the local park they caught up with him. My ds has always struggled with sporting activities. Ds told me my step kids made made bitchy and out right nasty comments about how he can't run and how he needs to lose weight. These weren't said in front of dh but were said. I could tell it really got to my ds as he started crying when he told me earlier today (he doesn't always share how he feels.

We went out as a family earlier to the shops. We were to leave my dh has to to tell my step daughter off because she said to me "your going out like this". I was wearing no makeup and had decided I could not be bothered to put any on today. Dh made her apologise, I acceapted this apology.

While out I notice how she is rude everytime my ds tries to make conversation with her. He will try and speak to her but she will simply give a pissed off look and will just reply with one word answers. This is true of me as well.

My dd got in trouble after she insulted my family to her mother. She called me and my family money grabbing and that I'm only with her dad for his money. This is simply not true I work as well. However that was a long time ago.

However she said something really snobby about the part of town most of my family are from and where I lived before dh. I said to her back "not everyone that lives there is a criminal, chav, or on benefits". I then said well I'm from there and I've never committed a crime or claimed a benefit and I'm not a chav. She started sniggering along with stepson when I said this. My dh was away in the toilet when she said this at the restaurant, but I told him and he asked her and stepson about this and they both lied. So it was my son and my word against them. I let this go and I honestly can't be asked to argue with a fifteen year old.

My ds entered the bathroom while my step daughter was getting out the bath. She had not closed the door or locked it. He was naked as he was about to get in the bath. Ds left as soon as he saw her and she wasn't naked as she was wearing her dressing gown.

However later that evening I hear her making a fuss. She began to insult my ds about his body and was getting really nasty. I come in the room to find my ds crying and my stepson laughing. I told stepdaughter to go to room. To which she began to insult me and my ds and she called me dumb, bitch, jealous of her, money grabbing, chav, fat etc etc. I was close to tears and my ds was crying in the other room.

Dh intervenes and by this point ds had told
Me about the running incident. I was really annoyed and was expecting dh to take my side.

Guess what he comes and says that I need to apolgise to both stepchildren. He also said I had made dd cry.

This point my stepson comes in and begins to insult me as well in front of dad.

Then all of a sudden stepson out of the blue invited 3 friends round. Turns out dad had allowed them and given them money to get pizza.

I'm just sick of this, they get away with it because they lie to their dad and play the victim. They make me out to be a big horrible step mum and I'm not. I'm a step mum that doesn't want to be insulted all day and my ds be builled and have his privacy interfered with.

The bathroom thing I get why step daughter would be annoyed and I've done it with her before as she doesn't close the door. But today and yesterday me and ds don't deserve this.

Her and to a lesser extend stepsons behaviour has been so bad the last couple of months. It's been bad since we told them that we are expecting another child.

OP posts:
Bobochic · 31/12/2016 16:44

I agree, all the children are being badly parented and are therefore unhappy and rebellious.

wherearemymarbles · 31/12/2016 16:46

At least you both have set the wheels in motion for change. As you say, Rome wasn't built in a day and i guess the sc's living by different rules in different families isn't going to help them either.

Fingers crossed things will work out in the long run and you had your husband keep talking.

HannahSmithson45 · 31/12/2016 16:48

You need to stress how welcome they are in their Dad's and your house. If your son misbehaved you have to manage it within the home and it should be no different for step children.

I agree

OP posts:
warmandsunnyhome · 31/12/2016 17:00

One of the reasons why I left my
Ex husband. It was a nightmare and I refused to put my own child through it. I really feel for you Flowers

rainbowstardrops · 31/12/2016 17:13

You all need to communicate!!!! Together!
Yes there needs to be sanctions when the step children are rude but they need to feel on an even par with your son OP.
Just bloody talk to each other!

Misstic · 31/12/2016 17:34

I agree with Rainbow, I wonder whether you are viewing your sin through rose-tinted glasses and the step children as throughly bad to you.

You are painting your son, who is a simular age to your step kids in an extremely positive light. Remember, the stepchildren are your husband's biological children. Trying to get him to make a choice between your child and his children is not a good idea. Your husband should stick up for you if his children are disrespecting you but I worry that you may be asking him to choose your son's side in the sibling rivalry.

By the way, I mean it the nicest possible way: you should address your son's weight issue. Diabetes does not have to result in unhealthy weight gain.

HannahSmithson45 · 31/12/2016 17:47

By the way, I mean it the nicest possible way: you should address your son's weight issue. Diabetes does not have to result in unhealthy weight gain.

I know this. We are dealing with it but it is hard for him to lose weight. We have got his BMI down from 37% to 32% in three months.

OP posts:
Misstic · 31/12/2016 17:54

I wonder whether you are viewing your son* through rose-tinted glasses and the step children as throughly bad to you.

Misstic · 31/12/2016 17:55

Well done OP.

Crumbs1 · 31/12/2016 18:23

Why is it hard for a 15 year old to lose weight? Is he type one or type two diabetic? No wonder he finds running around the park difficult, his BMI puts him above the 95th centile for 15 year old boys and into morbidly obese category. At his age losing weight is much easier than it will be in a few years time. How was he even allowed to get that fat in the first place? No wonder he is being teased by his healthier step siblings. That doesn't make it acceptable but does make it unsurprising.
You need to stop babying him and making weak excuses and start parenting effectively. Your husband should support you in this.

HannahSmithson45 · 31/12/2016 18:26

Why is it hard for a 15 year old to lose weight? Is he type one or type two diabetic? No wonder he finds running around the park difficult, his BMI puts him above the 95th centile for 15 year old boys and into morbidly obese category. At his age losing weight is much easier than it will be in a few years time. How was he even allowed to get that fat in the first place? No wonder he is being teased by his healthier step siblings. That doesn't make it acceptable but does make it unsurprising.
You need to stop babying him and making weak excuses and start parenting effectively. Your husband should support you in this.

He got to that size as a result of eating too much to compensate for the loss of his father. He is an emotional eater. He has lost just over a stone in 3 months and we are encouraging him to do exercise and eat better.

OP posts:
Misstic · 31/12/2016 18:32

Is it possible that your step kids are having a positive impact on him in terms of losing weight? I imagine with them being sporty and presumably fit and a healthy weight, this might motivate him to change his lifestyle.

JayDot500 · 31/12/2016 18:52

Keep encouraging him! Hope he gets to his target eventually, but it's certainly not easy. Very sad to know he's lost his own dad :(.

Teenagers can be nasty pieces of work, but they do grow up. Have in mind that one day, they may see how horrible things were between you all. Always strive for all your children to have peace, fairness and love at home. Don't give upFlowers

PaulDacresConscience · 31/12/2016 19:12

Criticising the OP for her son's weight gain is not really addressing the issue that she posted asking for help with, is it? Mocking someone's physical appearance is not acceptable, regardless of what the underlying causes may be.

Really uncomfortable with the tone of some of these responses, which seem to be focussing more on the perceived shortcomings of OP's management of her son's medical condition and sporting activities Confused

ohfourfoxache · 31/12/2016 19:42

Op I feel so sorry for you and your ds Sad

You just don't need this shit Sad

bumsexatthebingo · 31/12/2016 19:56

Your dh is the problem here. He is treating you like another one of the children. If I tell my dh that something has happened with the kids and the kids say something different then he would know the children are lying. Why is he taking their side over you or even questioning your honesty as if you are a sibling trying to get them into trouble rather than an adult and his equal?
Unless he's going to start treating you like an adult and tackling his kids poor behaviour and lying things will carry on the way they are.

december10th · 31/12/2016 20:10

I don't think you can punish teens into being kind and empathetic people.the letter was enough,yu will have got the girls back up even more by taking her devices away.She is the one who was walked in on by a nude male,she is the one he keeps pestering after she has made it clear she idoesn't want to be friends with him.She doesn't want to be in this crappy sitution you and her your dh have put her in.

deblet · 31/12/2016 20:19

OP I have been a step mum for 28 years and it is hard work. My husband has read this thread I have not had time but he says your DH has to step up. He is the one at fault here. He has the hardest job but needs to man up and do it. In your home his children must be polite and respectful as must you and your son. However it is his home and your son must not be bullied and insulted. He needs to be a parent to them no teenager respects a wimpy father or one they can get one over on. He has chosen you and needs to support you. If he can't find his balls you need to think about not continuing to be a family with him.

kittybiscuits · 31/12/2016 20:46

deblet you are the voice of reason on this thread!

PaulDacresConscience · 31/12/2016 20:54

December did you miss the part where the OP's son actually had a towel round his waist? Last time I checked being pleasant to someone, as opposed to being mocked for how you look and your Mum's social background, wasn't "pestering". You are right that it is a crappy situation, but I don't think that it is the girl that is the 'victim' here.

Fartleks · 31/12/2016 21:09

Decide not to argue with them and instead ask them 'is what you're saying kind? How could you be kinder?' But always ensure you are kind and fair. To be honest your DH is the problem. He should have consistent firmer boundaries and at the same time be able to make the children feel treasured.

Fartleks · 31/12/2016 21:11

It's fine for them to run seperatly to your son though. Their levels of fitness are clearly too different. He needs to run with someone of a similar pace

angeldelightedme · 31/12/2016 21:32

PaulDacresConscience
from original post

My ds entered the bathroom while my step daughter was getting out the bath...... He was naked

and..

I notice how she is rude everytime my ds tries to make conversation with her. He will try and speak to her but she will simply give a pissed off look and will just reply with one word answers.

PaulDacresConscience · 31/12/2016 21:59

Angel - yes and if you read the OP's update, she says clearly that he had a towel around his waist. And since when was trying to make conversation with someone 'pestering' them? You can be polite and civil without being best buds.

HannahSmithson45 · 31/12/2016 22:13

I agree with deblet. I think dh has to take a stronger stand. I've seen signs of this so I'm happy.

Tonight has been awkward stepchildren in rooms despite being invited down by me and dh.

OP posts: