AIBU? Relationship breakdown MIL

[wingingitmomma]

This will be long so please bare with me. I want to try and be as fair as I can be but I will admit I have gotten so defensive over the situation it just makes me angry.

My MIL and me got on great, we used to go shopping, meet for coffee, go for lunches and we used to also spend a lot of time messaging or talking on the phone. I found out I was pregnant soon after me and my OH got together and MIL was happy about this.

Even before the baby was born the relationship began to suffer, we had quote a big bust up over the baby's name. She took over and bought loads of clothes including what would of been my daughters first Christmas outfit. We were all set to move in with her just before the baby was born and save a little more money so we could move comfortably into out own place.

A few days before I was induced to give birth I started being badgered by my MIL and BIL. My BIL does not live locally and he and his now fiancee wanted to come and stay at my MILs the day after I got out of hospital with the baby!! I was unhappy with this I was planning to breastfeed my baby. I had 2 MC previously and my pregnancy/ birth was not an easy one, I needed time to bond with my baby but what could I say it wasn't my house (or really my home) - They did end up staying and those first precious nights I should of been cuddling up with my baby on the sofa and kissing her tiny face my future SIL took over and I had to watch her do all of that as if my daughter was HER BABY! I hate my SIL now. My BIL and SIL are trying for a family of their own.. perhaps I will return the favour.

We stayed at my MIL for about 6 weeks after the baby was born until I broke down and confided in my OH that I couldn't live there a second longer. My MIL used to try and take the baby at every chance, she barged into my bedroom because she wanted to see her and lifted her out of her moses basket without my permission. I was furious. My MIL did was she does best and cried to OH when we said we were moving into my dads for a while.

Now me and OH have our own place and I have settled into motherhood well. Don't get me wrong I miss my sleep but what parent doesn't? Now my MIL tries making demands to see the baby and babysit her. To be honest she didn't exactly do a bang up job with her own kids.. she let them get away with murder even she will admit this.. I dont want her to babysit my daughter because she aggravates me she acts really OTT whenever she sees the baby she never comes to visit me or OH only the baby. I have allowed her to babysit a handful of times (my daughter is under one)my OH forced me and I can never wait to get her back from my MIL whereas I feel much more relaxed if my friend, cousin or dad babysits. I could also swear that when I am not around and she has the baby she pretends that my baby is hers and that really gets to me.

Last christmas we spent it with OHs family at my BILs house which as I mentioned is not local so this christmas I advised I would be spending it with my dad. (my mum died a few year ago so he only has my brother and uncle. me and my OH are very close to my dad) we had arranged to spend boxing day with my MIL on Christmas day morning my MIL called me and demanded to see my baby on christmas day and said she had to be awake. I wasn't going until my dads house until 2 and we had already made it clear that we were having some private time in the morning. she messaged me all day even while I was trying to eat christmas dinner asking me what time I would be home.. she messaged me so much my phone died. I was furious when I got there and in ended in a huge argument between me and my OH on christmas day night.

I forgot to mention my BIL and his bitch came to my MILs this christmas and for some reason whenever they come its all about them and we are expected to roll out the red carpet for them. I dont know why but every time they come my MIL takes a thousand photos of my BIL and SIL (mainly SIL) with our baby but she never takes any photos of me and my OH with our daughter. infact it kind of annoys me and my MIL, BIL and SIL all have to constantly shove a camera in my kids face. nobody else does that not even me and OH.

Boxing day came and I decided I wasn't spending anymore time then I had to at my MILs so we went round about 6pm. my daughter was asleep on the sofa next to me and had been asleep since we first arrived. My MIL kept deliberately raising her voice until she woke her up she made her cry and then thought I was going to hand her over to she could play the doting nanny infront of her other guests...yeah I dont think so love. Instead I held and soothed my baby back to sleep my MIL glared at me the whole time.

I also had to cap my daughters presents and I knew if given the chance my MIL would of completely out done us. I should be able to trust her to respect me as a mum she would of hated if if anyone had done that to her.

Also when I go to get my baby back off of her she ignores me or looks away other times she wont even pass the baby to me and will go out of her way (even walk past me) to pass the baby back to OH I just feel like punching her in the face when she does this.

I dread seeing them but unfortunately none of them are going anywhere anytime soon and if these feelings or situation does not resolve important events in my daughters life will be unhappy ones. I just wish they would back off and stop being so OTT I am afraid if something doesn't change I will need to cut ties with them for my own peace. she needs to remember shes had her kids and her chance this is my time now.

Also I deliberately let my dad choose my daughters christmas outfit.. I am pretty ashamed to admit that I did it out of spite but at the same time I didnt want her wearing for christmas the outfit she chose. I wanted her to see that she isnt getting things her way.

anyone else feel like this?

I was more at peace with the mil but the stuff over Christmas has opened up old wounds. My mil isn't a bad person I know some people's mil have been evil to them and done things that are unspeakable she's not guilty of that so she genuinely is a good lady but she's overbearing and wants things her way all the time when it comes to the baby. The only things she's done that were really working was saying about the being the only grandmother and the talking about my dad as tht was unkind the rest is just her being pushy and bossy

Ok op, I do think a visit to your GP would probably help. I know it can be very difficult to see past the feelings you are having when you're in the middle of PND. It's very common to fixate on something and have it be the source of all of your problems rather than accept you may not be entirely well. Are you taking any antidepressants at the moment?

Ollie I didn't let her stay I was staying with her and she let everyone else stay too x

OP, you've admitted that you haven't handled some situations very well, so could you give your MIL the benefit of the doubt that she might feel the same way too?

A bit of distance and some boundaries would do you both the world of good.

But what screams out at me from your posts is the miscarriages, the very young baby, living with MIL, your DM not being here with you, a relatively new relationship... you've got a heck of a lot on your plate. It's no wonder you're tense, you are protective of your DD and you perhaps resent MIL doing things that you wish your own DM could do with you. Ask DP to support you in insisting on a couple of weeks of space. Continue to FaceTime, text, call etc. But get back to your own routines and take time to endlessly cuddle your DD.

You are and will always be the most important person in the world to your DD. But there is no harm in others loving her too, so long as they respect that you are the mother.

Sorry op I didn't mean to sound nasty in my last message, I just hate to see a new mum pushed around by a bossy mil.

You say shes not a bad person but remember- this overbearing behaviour is bad behaviour. She is being extremely selfish and nit caring about your feelings. A good mil/gma would be happy to let new parents get on with things, respect their space and choices and just be proud and happy that her son and dil are enjoying newborn life. Shes making this time harder for you by being selfish, a good person doesn't do that.

Dont let her pull you into uncomfortable situations by playing the grandparent card too. Bringing up that she is the only grandmother because you very sadly lost your mum is disgusting. She shouldn't say anything like that.

Mil sounds hard work, but why did you allow sil to take over?
Nobody would have done that to me and my baby as I wouldn't have let them.
You need to learn to stand up for yourself and your dh should sort her out and be in agreement with you.
I hope you can find a way forward, you and mil used to be good friends.

I think she felt terrible when she had said it but it was too late I do feel like I'm being hard on her she's gonna be excited but at the same time I am struggling with how I feel just a nightmare nobody warned me it would be like this

Did you get any help after losing your mum?
You've been through so much and I wonder whether your MIL and yourself are struggling with what kind of relationship you both want. Neither of you know how much or how little to give each other emotionally.

Family politics are difficult aren't they?

Your OH, does he know exactly how you are feeling right now? Communication is key with your partner in any situation. I think it might be worth you asking him how the situation is making him feel too, don't take this the wrong way but OH may feel like he's in the middle, that's his Mum after all.

It seems like you are at your wits end and the need to vent is obvious, I think some of the other ladies are just picking up on how frustrated you are, unfortunately it doesn't present you in the best light to the community. I'm not making any opinion on you, it's just people will have something to say and unfortunately it might not be want to hear. I have had recently asked for advice from the ladies on this forum and some of the things they said I didn't even consider, so even though it may sound negative try to look at things from different points of view.

It's hard to break down any situation with a high emotional charge, a first time mum with her new baby and mother in law interfering, perhaps she's just excited and doesn't realise how much she is interfering. Perhaps her intention wasn't to interfere, is this her first grandchild? (Sorry if you have already answered this)

I am very blessed to have such a brilliant relationship with my mother-in-law, and having their first grandchild made it stronger. There were times when she said things and did things I felt were over the top or borderline interfering, but what I did was always stop and think about why she did or said something, and most the time it was just trying to help rather than anything through malice.

Take a step back and let yourself breathe for a couple of days, some time away from the situation clear your head.

I will just point out though, some mother-in-law's don't even bother with the grandchildren, The fact that she is willing to help with childcare and that you guys have a break is unbelievably kind of her. I'm just trying to say try not to take any offer of help in a cynical way, BIL & SIL situation will follow suit if you stop and think before you react. I'm just advising you to basically be the bigger person, if she is being childish and petty as you believe the best way to retaliate is to be a grown-up - no offence. As I'm sure you understand children pick up on atmospheres, that is your Childs grandmother least you can do is try and be civil. If your daughter sees you trying your first and the mother in law still being childish then she will have a positive female role model to follow, that being you.

Please don't think this is an attack on you personally but that's the best advice I can give you, I hope you get this sorted because being a estranged from any part of the family is very hard believe me x

No that's totally fair I think thanks for that. I did get some help but to be honest it wasn't for me I was abit younger then and no kids x

I wept as I read your message. Being a mother for the first time can be so intense. I'm not at all surprised you feel so strongly. Here are some suggestions from me.

You must miss your mother terribly. Is there any woman around who might offer a bit of support whom you trust? A cousin, a friend of your mother's? If no one, talk to the Samaritans requesting a mother or a grandmother. They will want to help.

Turn your phone off if you don't want to answer. Looking at messages all day is no good for your sense of well being.

Try to cut your sil a little slack. If she is trying to get pregnant and having difficult, her feelings will also be intense when she sees your baby. A regular cuddle won't kill you. You are the lucky one.

If people give your baby too much stuff or the wrong kind of stuff, smile sweetly, give them a lovely thank you card and PUT IT ALL away for a while. Maybe pick a toy or a dress thats nice and feature that prominently. Leave the rest under the bed or something. Be vague about it.

If your baby wants to sleep, then take her out of the room where people are talking. Stay with her until she settles and then leave her alone for a while. Make a cup of tea or something.

Get yourself a bit of personal space. You used to get on well with your mil and you will again. Good for you. Good for your baby. Just see if you can put in a little boundary. Maybe invite her over on Fridays or go shopping with her Mondays. Just until you feel more in control.

Hope this helps. We have all been there. Come back and tell us how its going.

I do have a good friend who I talk to on a regular basis about this kind of stuff I guess it helps... kind of. I had to go out today and I needed to pick something up if I didn't go today I would of only of had to go tomorrow my mil called me while I was out and basically told me I shouldn't of taken my daughter out because it's too cold.. hello she does own a coat and hat! See what I mean? She needs to keep her nose out!

Why take the call? Just ignore saves you getting annoyed -

yes and yanbu my own mother did this to me. We are nc now. My dp also pressured me to let her have dd overnight. He now admits he was in the wrong and wishes he had done different. Its your baby so just refuse to hand her over despite what your dp says.

The OP's original post is so familiar to me. After many years of wasting my time stressing about it and it causing big difficulties between OH and myself we decided to stop getting upset over things we couldn't control and set clear boundaries which we as a couple agree with. MIL constantly tries to overstep and cause trouble but we are both now very skilled at side stepping things, diffusing things and generally letting things go. My biggest advice is when you go there to visit have a "safe word" handy which lets the other OP know you need to hightail it outta there....... we have been using the word ''mistletoe'' A LOT recently....

Update spoke to OH about how I have been feeling he's apologised for not being on side we have agreed that I may be being abit hormonal given what's just happened but he said he will speak to his mum and tell her to back off he said he thinks we should try and bridge our relationship and thinks some time just me and mil would do us some good I've told him that I feel seeing the gp would be helpful and he said he wants to come to the appointment to support me. I know what I said earlier sounded abit harsh and unless you know the full situation a little unfair. Despite what I said I do want my relationship with my mil to improve we used to have a great laugh together I regarded her as the closest thing I have to a mother now and I want that to continue. I want to thank everyone that commented and I'm sorry if I didn't take some comments as well as I should if I can't explain the stress I've been feeling recently I'm not usually a stressed person so this has been exceptionally difficult x

What a positive update

I hope all goes well for the future OP and I apologise for my harsh posts earlier

Didn't want to read and run. OP you sound like you needed to vent & why not, it's been stressful. I'm glad you've spoken to your OH. mIl sounds over enthusiastic & yes needs some boundaries set but also sounds as if she could be a great support in the future. Perhaps home in, have people to your house, your ground in future (I refuse to do Christmas anywhere but home - it takes some balls, but by heck it's made my life easier at Christmas with DCs). You need some time and help to come to terms with everything - and you have identified that yourself , which takes some strength. You have been through a lot, be a little gentler on yourself and don't be afraid to say I need some peace, just me, the OH and the DC. It's not cutting off, just taking some time for your immediate family. Perhaps invite the MIL round for tea, tell her you appreciate everything, and that she is like a second mother, you want to ensure she has a fantastic relationship with your DC, and suggest meeting up once a week with yourself & DC (or every fortnight) for a designated time? You don't want babysitting as you are still taking every precious moment to know your DC, but thanks for the offer - may be one way to refuse the constant requests. Have a lovely New Year and 2017 is going to be awesome.

Thank you both for those kind words and raccoon please don't worry about it no hard feelings at all we have all been there and on the receiving end sometimes it's helpful im sorry if I was rude in anyway aswell! X

Hi OP
In some respects your MIL sounds like a very proud and over the top first time grandma! I have one (albeit DM) and five years later she is still like it! As much as it is annoying, take a deep breath and when calm look at it from her point of view. Now I jump at the chance for DM or MIL to tie DCs and buy them stuff etc - why wouldn't I? It helps financially and they LOVE doing it. No harm comes from it expect my DC know they are well loved and cared for.
From your perspective you are justified feeling like you do but in all honesty I do not think anyone is at fault here. Everyone seems to be trying to do the best they can and sadly there is conflict because of differing opinions, expectations etc.

At the end of the day she is YOURS and your OH's child. The only way MIL and BIL and SIL are going to understand is if both of you agree to some rules around your child and for that to happen you both need to sit down and talk calmly. Secondly these need to be relayed back to ramrices in a calm and controlled manner without loosing your cool when/if they do! Always maintain that you are very understanding and grateful for help and advice and that she is well loved by everyone (she is a very lucky little girl) but this can only happen if YOU and OH put your foot down when they do not stick to the rules and stet being more proactive in your wishes. So many people come here on AIBU when in reality they do nothing or say anything to change their situations. They quietly allow things to happen, false smile and then seeth inside - not good. If the relatives refuse to obey your wishes regarding the upbringing of your child, then DO NOT GIVE IN! Doing so only reiterates tonthem that you at wrk, they are right and they will never take you seriously. Whereas your child is lucky to have loving relatives, no child came to any harm by not having granny or Aunty and uncle in their lives ... mine don't! They have two grandmas and that is it! Grandad died, grandad chooses not to have contact (his choice - said so) and an uncle and Aunty who also choose not to have contact and a cousin who does not know of their existence and likewise with my DC.
With that in mind, if they bother you so much to the point that a reconciliation is not possible at this time (never say never) then a break from them might be what everyone needs ..

I feel for you. Id have been livid in your situation. Ignore those on here being negative towards you - you are not being unreasonable at all. My inlaws are vile too. Do what you need to to keep sane! X

To be honest your MIL doesn't sound very nice, very controlling and favoring your BIL and SIL (golden child dynamic). She doesn't respect your decisions, badmouth your dad and profits from you financially.
This website is very interesting I think:
outofthefog.website

Promising update. It does sound as though lots of things have been bubbling under the surface for a long time and suddenly erupted all over mumsnet.

Something that really stands out is that MIL isnt toxic but just doesnt realise how overbearing she is, and the more you try and bat her away the harder she will push. Do you think she might calm down a bit if she had a regular time with your daughter? An activity like tumble play or music would be fun and would be an hour a week. You could have an hours peace and she would be in the company of others.

If your MiL is half as ready as you are to find a solution, then you and your family will be fine. Good luck winging