AIBU? Relationship breakdown MIL

[wingingitmomma]

This will be long so please bare with me. I want to try and be as fair as I can be but I will admit I have gotten so defensive over the situation it just makes me angry.

My MIL and me got on great, we used to go shopping, meet for coffee, go for lunches and we used to also spend a lot of time messaging or talking on the phone. I found out I was pregnant soon after me and my OH got together and MIL was happy about this.

Even before the baby was born the relationship began to suffer, we had quote a big bust up over the baby's name. She took over and bought loads of clothes including what would of been my daughters first Christmas outfit. We were all set to move in with her just before the baby was born and save a little more money so we could move comfortably into out own place.

A few days before I was induced to give birth I started being badgered by my MIL and BIL. My BIL does not live locally and he and his now fiancee wanted to come and stay at my MILs the day after I got out of hospital with the baby!! I was unhappy with this I was planning to breastfeed my baby. I had 2 MC previously and my pregnancy/ birth was not an easy one, I needed time to bond with my baby but what could I say it wasn't my house (or really my home) - They did end up staying and those first precious nights I should of been cuddling up with my baby on the sofa and kissing her tiny face my future SIL took over and I had to watch her do all of that as if my daughter was HER BABY! I hate my SIL now. My BIL and SIL are trying for a family of their own.. perhaps I will return the favour.

We stayed at my MIL for about 6 weeks after the baby was born until I broke down and confided in my OH that I couldn't live there a second longer. My MIL used to try and take the baby at every chance, she barged into my bedroom because she wanted to see her and lifted her out of her moses basket without my permission. I was furious. My MIL did was she does best and cried to OH when we said we were moving into my dads for a while.

Now me and OH have our own place and I have settled into motherhood well. Don't get me wrong I miss my sleep but what parent doesn't? Now my MIL tries making demands to see the baby and babysit her. To be honest she didn't exactly do a bang up job with her own kids.. she let them get away with murder even she will admit this.. I dont want her to babysit my daughter because she aggravates me she acts really OTT whenever she sees the baby she never comes to visit me or OH only the baby. I have allowed her to babysit a handful of times (my daughter is under one)my OH forced me and I can never wait to get her back from my MIL whereas I feel much more relaxed if my friend, cousin or dad babysits. I could also swear that when I am not around and she has the baby she pretends that my baby is hers and that really gets to me.

Last christmas we spent it with OHs family at my BILs house which as I mentioned is not local so this christmas I advised I would be spending it with my dad. (my mum died a few year ago so he only has my brother and uncle. me and my OH are very close to my dad) we had arranged to spend boxing day with my MIL on Christmas day morning my MIL called me and demanded to see my baby on christmas day and said she had to be awake. I wasn't going until my dads house until 2 and we had already made it clear that we were having some private time in the morning. she messaged me all day even while I was trying to eat christmas dinner asking me what time I would be home.. she messaged me so much my phone died. I was furious when I got there and in ended in a huge argument between me and my OH on christmas day night.

I forgot to mention my BIL and his bitch came to my MILs this christmas and for some reason whenever they come its all about them and we are expected to roll out the red carpet for them. I dont know why but every time they come my MIL takes a thousand photos of my BIL and SIL (mainly SIL) with our baby but she never takes any photos of me and my OH with our daughter. infact it kind of annoys me and my MIL, BIL and SIL all have to constantly shove a camera in my kids face. nobody else does that not even me and OH.

Boxing day came and I decided I wasn't spending anymore time then I had to at my MILs so we went round about 6pm. my daughter was asleep on the sofa next to me and had been asleep since we first arrived. My MIL kept deliberately raising her voice until she woke her up she made her cry and then thought I was going to hand her over to she could play the doting nanny infront of her other guests...yeah I dont think so love. Instead I held and soothed my baby back to sleep my MIL glared at me the whole time.

I also had to cap my daughters presents and I knew if given the chance my MIL would of completely out done us. I should be able to trust her to respect me as a mum she would of hated if if anyone had done that to her.

Also when I go to get my baby back off of her she ignores me or looks away other times she wont even pass the baby to me and will go out of her way (even walk past me) to pass the baby back to OH I just feel like punching her in the face when she does this.

I dread seeing them but unfortunately none of them are going anywhere anytime soon and if these feelings or situation does not resolve important events in my daughters life will be unhappy ones. I just wish they would back off and stop being so OTT I am afraid if something doesn't change I will need to cut ties with them for my own peace. she needs to remember shes had her kids and her chance this is my time now.

Also I deliberately let my dad choose my daughters christmas outfit.. I am pretty ashamed to admit that I did it out of spite but at the same time I didnt want her wearing for christmas the outfit she chose. I wanted her to see that she isnt getting things her way.

anyone else feel like this?

Cool OP said her mil barged into her bedroom and took the baby.

Clearly when living with her mil she had no say and you do tend to walk on eggshells when you're living under someone else's roof. And op lived at mil's because her oh wanted to.

OP I'd just go very low contact with your mil. Explain to your oh why and that it's affecting you and irrevocably ruining your relationship with your mil.

And as a PP said I'd make a stand and refuse 'babysitting' or going to mil's if you don't want.

It's really hard the first year of having a baby and getting used to being a new mother and bonding without everyone around you making unreasonable demands.

scooby her part in whats going on was to have a baby, make a mistake by living with mil who she previously got on with then - had her baby in those first precious days totally taken over and she was too polite and probably too stunned to do anything about it.

I agree you all sound equally bad, why did you get pregnant if you didn't live together, it was mils home and she opened it up to you I'm guessing free of charge. I get her being OTT is annoying but your atttiude is appaulling his bitch comment is utterly vile. Why is it ok for your dad to pick a Christmas outfit and not your mil?

There are three people at fault here and you have a big portion of the blame too. Crazy suggestion here but have you tried actually talking to the woman? you were once friends, talk to her, rationally, you are mad and because of that even little things that would probably wash over you if it were your dad are making you even madder. I think you have a lot of resentment, they are wrong for being all over you and your daughter but yet you are jealous when she is all over your sil, she isn't right but she also sounds like she can't win you have let this get so big in your head.

And calling her "his bitch" paints you in an awful light too, I read that and it totally made me hoist up my judgey pants

Im looking to make a situation better not worse.

Really?

She sounds OTT but from a loving place, I've heard far worse and it sounds like she has escalated as you have shut her out more and more.

You say that the Xmas outfit was what you did out of spite but it sounds like a hell of a lot more. If the only bad thing you can say about her parenting is that she let them get away with murder then really that's not much of a reason she can't babysit your baby and have some time with her one on one.

Is your SIL's only offence is caring for your baby when she was first born? This makes her a "bitch"?

You are being very sensitive, it could be part hormonal. You have gone out of your way to avoid them when they haven't done anything nasty. MIL is just overly in love with your little one and it needs managing rather than aggravating. The fact that it took you nearly 6 weeks to confide in your OH says a lot about you and your relationship. And of course she was upset you were suddenly moving out!!!

You have some valid points to be irritated about but i think anything they do at this point you will take the wrong way because you do not like them.

Anything they do you will think there is another 'trying to wind you up reason' BUT also you need to let your husband know how you feel so he can handle it with his family when they over step

Thank you worldsworstchildren for your response. It is a tough situation. Im not too fussed over the SIL I rarely have to see her and she never calls or tests anyone to see how anyone is.. thats just her way they are only an issue when they are here. As for my MIL I want her to have contacts and be able to do stuff but she makes out my dad shouldn't be allowed to see the baby and she bad mouths him for all sorts of reasons but she will ask him for favours.. for me thats hurtful aswell hes always helped her out and chats away happily to her but when hes gone she will act like hes a massive nuisance and then puts him down as a grandad. My mum died suddenly and she makes a huge deal infront of my dad and me about being the only nanny again thats hurtful so yeah some people here might not like what ive said but this has been almost a year of this stuff I am at my wits end to the point I have considered leaving my OH. My MIL even suggested that I spend christmas at my dads and I let my OH and baby go to hers. I mean come on? I think any normal person would be angry or is everyone else here perfect? and if you are perfect what are you doing on an advice forum?

Fighting over who picks a baby's Christmas outfit? Who has the time or energy for this. It sounds like something out of Eastenders.

Maybe buy some big girl pants in the sale and decide that 2017 is the year you don't take any more shit from your mil. Your baby is not a toy and being a grandparent is not a given right. . Tell her a day /time that is convenient for her to visit and make her stick to it. Fill your days with the baby - playgroup /swimming etc and stop being available! Switch phone off if necessary! Tell your so this is how things will be for your sanity-he has made a commitment to you remember - and that his mother has raised her kids and now you intend to raise yours as a couple not a triple!

While the OPs language might seem inflammatory it is clear that she is at the end of her tether so cut her some slack. She says herself she just wants to vent - I'm sure we've all done that

yes clear to the more sensitive posters among us - clearly not others.

racoon they can when your under their roof, you are polite - and new to motherhood, and your dealing with someone who feels overly proprietorial towards the baby. which of course someone would have to feel to storm into a bedroom, and take a sleeping baby out of their cot with mum there. or do you think thats the actions of a sweet considerate person?

I think everyone is being unreasonable. Referring to SIL as 'his bitch' was the end for me. Have you thought of the Jeremy Kyle show?

OK MIL is irritating and overbearing and you couldn't live with her. So what? SIL took over with the baby (she was probably trying to help, albiet misguidedly) I'm sure if I lived with my MIL we'd be ready to throttle each other in a week or so and with a new baby aarrggh...!

Ok sorry. If all of the above is true and your partner thinks it's fine then he is not fit to be a parent. You will need to make your own life without him.

the reason I called my SIL a bitch is because she criticises everything (shes a social worker) when my baby cried and was looking at me to get her when I asked her to pass her back she refused and turned her away. anyone that would keep my baby from me when she needs me is and always will be a bitch in my eyes and believe me off the record I have called her A LOT worse.

do you think thats the actions of a sweet considerate person?

No, its the action of someone who doesn't have appropriate boundaries and I'd treating the OP like a child. But if you move into someone's house like it or not it's their rules. It's why most adults shudder with horror at the thought of living with parents. It isn't the actions of someone evil who deserves this amount of vitriol. I get the OP is angry but she's needs to work through it and grow up frankly.

We only have one side of the story Ze and considering the OPs own actions and the language she uses I will keep an open mind as to how "bad" these people are.

You sound nuts and I suspect there's an element of PFB about this. Sounds like your baby has a family that love her and like spending time with her - YABVU to have a problem with that.

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare but you do you.

you do too

well i guess we judge every situation by our own experiences and by our own actions, would I barge into my own DD room if I was blessed to have her stay with me and first gc, and take a sleeping baby? no.

Nor would I Ze but I would not use my child as a weapon or play grandparents off against each other ether.

scooby her part in whats going on was to have a baby, make a mistake by living with mil who she previously got on with then - had her baby in those first precious days totally taken over and she was too polite and probably too stunned to do anything about it.

Cleallrly you haven't read the thread.

And you aren't more sensitive. You are in fact just missing loads out and assuming you know what's going on.

As I said the dh could be keeping out of it because he is a dick or because he believes they are all as bad as each other. You know the man that's involved.

This baby has become a way to point score by everyone concerned here. It's not healthy for anyone. Most of all the baby.

I have tried to talk to my MIL loads I even treated her to a spa day to try and clear the air. The truth is when we are alone together we get on great I have explained my feelings I even went to the GP because she told me I was irrational for not wanting to leave my baby when she was a week old she said I has Post natal depression - do you know what the feels like for a new mother? I didnt even have my own mum to speak to. I was always polite and respectful under her roof I never objected because it was her house. if she had continued going to work It would not have been so bad. also it was not rent free.. she lives in a council house and she made us pay the whole rent on her house for 2 months even though she was living there aswell. so basically she had 2 months rent free we also paid towards utilities and did our own foodshop plus hers I was always tidy and did my own washing.... she said she wanted us to be there but complained if the baby woke her at night or would make us feel guilty by going on that she wouldnt sleep again after that night because she had been woken.. but yes I am the bad person.

always will be a bitch in my eyes and believe me off the record I have called her A LOT worse.

Called her a bitch to her face? To your MiL's face? To your husband's face?

I thought you said upthread you weren't bothered about SiL? You clearly are.

In each post I read I think you might be winding yourself up more to read into things. I reckon some of these situations are far more innocent like SIL not letting you have your child back was just momentary one more cuddle. I don't see where she has criticised you but obvs you can't write everything. I think she just got excited about her niece and it was as pp said misguided and an oversight to how you would feel in those first few days and you have run away with it. You say she barely knows you, well that's why she doesn't text you.

I'm not sure much repairing can be fine whilst you feel so much hate towards them.