AIBU? Relationship breakdown MIL

[wingingitmomma]

This will be long so please bare with me. I want to try and be as fair as I can be but I will admit I have gotten so defensive over the situation it just makes me angry.

My MIL and me got on great, we used to go shopping, meet for coffee, go for lunches and we used to also spend a lot of time messaging or talking on the phone. I found out I was pregnant soon after me and my OH got together and MIL was happy about this.

Even before the baby was born the relationship began to suffer, we had quote a big bust up over the baby's name. She took over and bought loads of clothes including what would of been my daughters first Christmas outfit. We were all set to move in with her just before the baby was born and save a little more money so we could move comfortably into out own place.

A few days before I was induced to give birth I started being badgered by my MIL and BIL. My BIL does not live locally and he and his now fiancee wanted to come and stay at my MILs the day after I got out of hospital with the baby!! I was unhappy with this I was planning to breastfeed my baby. I had 2 MC previously and my pregnancy/ birth was not an easy one, I needed time to bond with my baby but what could I say it wasn't my house (or really my home) - They did end up staying and those first precious nights I should of been cuddling up with my baby on the sofa and kissing her tiny face my future SIL took over and I had to watch her do all of that as if my daughter was HER BABY! I hate my SIL now. My BIL and SIL are trying for a family of their own.. perhaps I will return the favour.

We stayed at my MIL for about 6 weeks after the baby was born until I broke down and confided in my OH that I couldn't live there a second longer. My MIL used to try and take the baby at every chance, she barged into my bedroom because she wanted to see her and lifted her out of her moses basket without my permission. I was furious. My MIL did was she does best and cried to OH when we said we were moving into my dads for a while.

Now me and OH have our own place and I have settled into motherhood well. Don't get me wrong I miss my sleep but what parent doesn't? Now my MIL tries making demands to see the baby and babysit her. To be honest she didn't exactly do a bang up job with her own kids.. she let them get away with murder even she will admit this.. I dont want her to babysit my daughter because she aggravates me she acts really OTT whenever she sees the baby she never comes to visit me or OH only the baby. I have allowed her to babysit a handful of times (my daughter is under one)my OH forced me and I can never wait to get her back from my MIL whereas I feel much more relaxed if my friend, cousin or dad babysits. I could also swear that when I am not around and she has the baby she pretends that my baby is hers and that really gets to me.

Last christmas we spent it with OHs family at my BILs house which as I mentioned is not local so this christmas I advised I would be spending it with my dad. (my mum died a few year ago so he only has my brother and uncle. me and my OH are very close to my dad) we had arranged to spend boxing day with my MIL on Christmas day morning my MIL called me and demanded to see my baby on christmas day and said she had to be awake. I wasn't going until my dads house until 2 and we had already made it clear that we were having some private time in the morning. she messaged me all day even while I was trying to eat christmas dinner asking me what time I would be home.. she messaged me so much my phone died. I was furious when I got there and in ended in a huge argument between me and my OH on christmas day night.

I forgot to mention my BIL and his bitch came to my MILs this christmas and for some reason whenever they come its all about them and we are expected to roll out the red carpet for them. I dont know why but every time they come my MIL takes a thousand photos of my BIL and SIL (mainly SIL) with our baby but she never takes any photos of me and my OH with our daughter. infact it kind of annoys me and my MIL, BIL and SIL all have to constantly shove a camera in my kids face. nobody else does that not even me and OH.

Boxing day came and I decided I wasn't spending anymore time then I had to at my MILs so we went round about 6pm. my daughter was asleep on the sofa next to me and had been asleep since we first arrived. My MIL kept deliberately raising her voice until she woke her up she made her cry and then thought I was going to hand her over to she could play the doting nanny infront of her other guests...yeah I dont think so love. Instead I held and soothed my baby back to sleep my MIL glared at me the whole time.

I also had to cap my daughters presents and I knew if given the chance my MIL would of completely out done us. I should be able to trust her to respect me as a mum she would of hated if if anyone had done that to her.

Also when I go to get my baby back off of her she ignores me or looks away other times she wont even pass the baby to me and will go out of her way (even walk past me) to pass the baby back to OH I just feel like punching her in the face when she does this.

I dread seeing them but unfortunately none of them are going anywhere anytime soon and if these feelings or situation does not resolve important events in my daughters life will be unhappy ones. I just wish they would back off and stop being so OTT I am afraid if something doesn't change I will need to cut ties with them for my own peace. she needs to remember shes had her kids and her chance this is my time now.

Also I deliberately let my dad choose my daughters christmas outfit.. I am pretty ashamed to admit that I did it out of spite but at the same time I didnt want her wearing for christmas the outfit she chose. I wanted her to see that she isnt getting things her way.

anyone else feel like this?

to my OH in all fairness to him he doesn't like her either. She pushed him out the way when he was changing the babies nappy and he hates her for it she said something along the lines that he didn't know what he was doing or how to do it

op dont bother with this thread, honestly some posters on here would attack you if you said something totally innocuous. I feel its going to be upsetting.

but yes I am the bad person.

You need to grow up.

Your families bad behaviour does not cancel out your own. You are all behaving poorly and given you cannot control them you need to control yourself.

Stop bitching about them and name calling.
Give mil clear boundaries and ask for DHs support.
Stop using your baby to score points.

OP may not be coming across as being very pleasant - but can I remind some people on here that post-partum hormones make rational thoughts and comments very difficult sometimes, and that if a new mother does not feel safe and protected with her newborn she goes into protection overdrive - it's an evolutionary thing and very sensible in threatening circumstances. She was also dependent upon someone who was making her uncomfortable for a roof over her and her baby's head - how undermining is that? MIL held all the cards there, and OP did the right thing to insist on moving as soon as she could.

We obviously only have one side of this story - but it certainly looks as though the MIL and BIL/SIL have been trying to monopolise the baby - of course OP got upset and angry! And as their pushy behaviour continues she will remain upset and angry and will behave in petty ways because she has not been given the space - physical or emotional - to get herself comfortable and secure with her DD.

OP can't help her reactions, which may or may not be appropriate, but she is damn well entitled to her emotions and for people here to tell her that she's wrong is very unfair.

If the in-laws weren't so grabby with her baby, OP would be able to enjoy time with them during visits, and would be able to relax and come round to letting them fuss over the child. I would be bliddy annoyed if someone snatched my baby out of my arms, too, or woke her up, or refused to hand her back when asked.

OP - YANBU, and your DH needs to step up to the mark and help you to achieve a bit of space from his family. Personally I wouldn't go totally NC, as they may well be good people who are just over-invested in your baby, but certainly you need to establish some ground rules, one of them being that if you ask for her back, then she is handed back to you.

I can't believe what I'm reading. You definitely need to put up some serious boundaries with these women. They sound like vultures. If someone had ripped my dd from my arms and refused to return her when she was crying, I'd be devastated. The pain you must have gone through.

she said something along the lines that he didn't know what he was doing or how to do it

And he'll never get a chance to learn if she takes over all the time. She does sound very pushy!

YY Happy flappy.

You need to walk slowly away from this situation for your own sanity. You stayed at your Mils house for a while and have been drawn in too much. They now think they own you. Just back off a little.....Like someone else said, switch your phone off and have a nice day out with your baby. Ignore any comments and do it your way. I've had similar issues....My mil wanted my DD to spend the day at her house on her birthday every year.....Soon put a stop to that, we would just pop in on way home. She took over at her first birthday party, so we never invited her again. We would get comments how they would like to see her in a dress (it was winter)....So I made sure she was always in jeans when we visited....We would get comments on how jeans don't go with fair hair.... And constant comments re her hair "when's she getting her hair cut" etc....Constant criticism as we clearly weren't doing things the way she would have done....We just slowly backed off and we live our life how we want to.

It all sounds very highly charged and intense. I think a bit of space all round would be good for everyone involved. I also wonder how old the OP is? I ask because you sound quite young and I wonder if you feel your MIL is criticising or doubting your parenting ability because of your age?

OP moving into MIL's house was a massive mistake. It was a mistake for you and DH and a mistake for MIL. You having to be respectful made it impossible to set boundaries and be treated like an adult. In your defence you didn't know what having a baby was like and that you would need control.

You now have your own house and need to move on (try and see the funny side of a lesson learnt over time even) The key thing is putting boundaries in place so that you/gcs can have a positive relationship with MIL. If she really is unreasonable and DH won't back you up you have my support BUT harping back to a mistake you all made is really really unhelpful. Look forward and in the words of Elsa let it go

I do sympathise I honestly would have been the same if I'd lived with MIL when I had my first baby and the rage would have been difficult to move on from, but you need to

thank you happy that is helpful. I dont know if I could go NC with MIL. I totally agree with ground rules and yes one of them should be if I ask for her back she should be handed back.

And whoever further up I didnt read your name or your comment properly but noticed you mentioned the christmas outfit I have already said twice now that I know that was spiteful and petty? it is something I am ashamed of and I realised straight away it was point scoring which was unfair on everyone including myself and my baby. So I do think some people need to back off on here as I say if 'so perfect yourself why would you be on an advice page?

Your MIL sounds horrendous, and your SIL is not much better. How horrible for you to have your baby constantly taken away and kept from you. I am surprised you haven't totally lost your temper by now and told them to back the fuck off! You are the baby's mother!

In my opinion you need to set some boundaries, stop allowing them to treat you like a child. You are the mother, you need to protect your child, if that means putting your foot down and upsetting your batshit MIL then so be it. Show them you will not be pushed around when it comes to your child.

Good luck OP

im 26 hun so fairly young x

I do think some people need to back off on here as I say if 'so perfect yourself why would you be on an advice page?

Nobody's perfect but this is 'aibu' you would have been better posting in relationships

You put your baby in whatever Christmas outfit you want....Your baby, your rules.....

so perfect yourself why would you be on an advice page?

This is a parenting forum it has information,product reviews,competitions and a host of other topics.
People do not come here just for advice.
God you really do need to grow up.

I feel sorry for your DH caught between 2 unreasonable women.

Thanks everyone. No I do lose my temper privately but the only person I am hurting is myself.. that does make me angry. I think I will just start to slowly back off and see what happens my MIL has a bf who does keep her distracted they like to travel.. but haven't been anywhere in a while they will start up again in the new year so that will take the pressure off. I have already set some ground rules for next christmas which felt like a huge weight had been lifted. x

you sound very immature. More like 16 than 26.

You really need to,get a grip and start behaving like an adult. All this petty squabbling and childishness isn't a good environment to bring a child into. Why would anyone behave like this?

Sorry but you all sound bonkers.

I didnt even have my own mum to speak to.

I think you need to explore this more. I can't help wonder if this is a form of grieving for you mum. That you, your mum and dd are missing out as your mum isnt here.

Your sil or mil does something that annoys you, its makes you feel even worse.

The fact tgat yiu get so uoset about an outfit for chritsmas and then let your dad pick it anyway suggests this is about your feelings toward the loss you have suffered.

I forgot to add that whilst i get being upset over your mum and it impacting you, its not your mils fault she isnt here either.

You asked earlier if i know ehat being a nee mum is like. Yes i do. I have 2 kids.

you've made yourself look just as bad with that comment. Esp to anyone that has read the thread properly but that is up to you this post is for anyone who understands the situation they are complex feelings and emotions not everyone will experience them. the fact is we are not squabbling if we were I would post on here asking advice i would of already told her what I thought and we wouldn't speak? I think you need to take yourself off and think before you want to post to make yourself look great because to be honest its abit sad that you posted that despite the previous messages. did I not say how bad I thought it all was? I havent exactly sat here and made myself out to be perfect I have said when I am in the wrong.

People cut her some slack, I don't think she is being unreasonable now at all and is listening.

Is there someone away from the situation who you can talk to and vent this anger? What's your health visitor like?

OP, I think your long post is the melting pot of everything that's been going on that has hurt and upset you since the birth of your child - and so it's concentrated. I think that's why your sensitised to your MIL and SIL's behaviours and I can understand why that is.

I think what a previous poster suggested in terms of low contact is probably the way to go for you. The beauty of it would be that you will have a break from your MIL and SIL, get to spend uninterrupted time with your baby, and your relationship with them may improve.

One suggestion that I would make for you is that if you find yourself put on the spot about something - by anybody really - respond immediately with a "Let me think about that..." and it will give you a bit of breathing space to look at what's reasonable and what you want to do.

Your husband needs to be on board with your views and feelings. Mine is very solicitous of me BUT he isn't the same in terms of seeing issues developing that I do so I have to explain, break it down into the resolution that I want/need, so it would be (in your case), "I want to spend more time as a family, just we three. Sometimes you can take baby on your own to see MIL and sometimes I will go too, the rest of the time it's just us and I need you to help make sure that we're saying the same thing. Do you agree?".

I think it's a good idea of yours to try to nip these issues in the bud because it's important for your wider family to have a relationship with your child also. If you can get the family to back off a bit (a lot) and accept the boundaries around you three as a family, your life would be so much easier. First step... talk to your husband.