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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Relationship breakdown MIL

160 replies

wingingitmomma · 30/12/2016 09:02

This will be long so please bare with me. I want to try and be as fair as I can be but I will admit I have gotten so defensive over the situation it just makes me angry.

My MIL and me got on great, we used to go shopping, meet for coffee, go for lunches and we used to also spend a lot of time messaging or talking on the phone. I found out I was pregnant soon after me and my OH got together and MIL was happy about this.

Even before the baby was born the relationship began to suffer, we had quote a big bust up over the baby's name. She took over and bought loads of clothes including what would of been my daughters first Christmas outfit. We were all set to move in with her just before the baby was born and save a little more money so we could move comfortably into out own place.

A few days before I was induced to give birth I started being badgered by my MIL and BIL. My BIL does not live locally and he and his now fiancee wanted to come and stay at my MILs the day after I got out of hospital with the baby!! I was unhappy with this I was planning to breastfeed my baby. I had 2 MC previously and my pregnancy/ birth was not an easy one, I needed time to bond with my baby but what could I say it wasn't my house (or really my home) - They did end up staying and those first precious nights I should of been cuddling up with my baby on the sofa and kissing her tiny face my future SIL took over and I had to watch her do all of that as if my daughter was HER BABY! I hate my SIL now. My BIL and SIL are trying for a family of their own.. perhaps I will return the favour.

We stayed at my MIL for about 6 weeks after the baby was born until I broke down and confided in my OH that I couldn't live there a second longer. My MIL used to try and take the baby at every chance, she barged into my bedroom because she wanted to see her and lifted her out of her moses basket without my permission. I was furious. My MIL did was she does best and cried to OH when we said we were moving into my dads for a while.

Now me and OH have our own place and I have settled into motherhood well. Don't get me wrong I miss my sleep but what parent doesn't? Now my MIL tries making demands to see the baby and babysit her. To be honest she didn't exactly do a bang up job with her own kids.. she let them get away with murder even she will admit this.. I dont want her to babysit my daughter because she aggravates me she acts really OTT whenever she sees the baby she never comes to visit me or OH only the baby. I have allowed her to babysit a handful of times (my daughter is under one)my OH forced me and I can never wait to get her back from my MIL whereas I feel much more relaxed if my friend, cousin or dad babysits. I could also swear that when I am not around and she has the baby she pretends that my baby is hers and that really gets to me.

Last christmas we spent it with OHs family at my BILs house which as I mentioned is not local so this christmas I advised I would be spending it with my dad. (my mum died a few year ago so he only has my brother and uncle. me and my OH are very close to my dad) we had arranged to spend boxing day with my MIL on Christmas day morning my MIL called me and demanded to see my baby on christmas day and said she had to be awake. I wasn't going until my dads house until 2 and we had already made it clear that we were having some private time in the morning. she messaged me all day even while I was trying to eat christmas dinner asking me what time I would be home.. she messaged me so much my phone died. I was furious when I got there and in ended in a huge argument between me and my OH on christmas day night.

I forgot to mention my BIL and his bitch came to my MILs this christmas and for some reason whenever they come its all about them and we are expected to roll out the red carpet for them. I dont know why but every time they come my MIL takes a thousand photos of my BIL and SIL (mainly SIL) with our baby but she never takes any photos of me and my OH with our daughter. infact it kind of annoys me and my MIL, BIL and SIL all have to constantly shove a camera in my kids face. nobody else does that not even me and OH.

Boxing day came and I decided I wasn't spending anymore time then I had to at my MILs so we went round about 6pm. my daughter was asleep on the sofa next to me and had been asleep since we first arrived. My MIL kept deliberately raising her voice until she woke her up she made her cry and then thought I was going to hand her over to she could play the doting nanny infront of her other guests...yeah I dont think so love. Instead I held and soothed my baby back to sleep my MIL glared at me the whole time.

I also had to cap my daughters presents and I knew if given the chance my MIL would of completely out done us. I should be able to trust her to respect me as a mum she would of hated if if anyone had done that to her.

Also when I go to get my baby back off of her she ignores me or looks away other times she wont even pass the baby to me and will go out of her way (even walk past me) to pass the baby back to OH I just feel like punching her in the face when she does this.

I dread seeing them but unfortunately none of them are going anywhere anytime soon and if these feelings or situation does not resolve important events in my daughters life will be unhappy ones. I just wish they would back off and stop being so OTT I am afraid if something doesn't change I will need to cut ties with them for my own peace. she needs to remember shes had her kids and her chance this is my time now.

Also I deliberately let my dad choose my daughters christmas outfit.. I am pretty ashamed to admit that I did it out of spite but at the same time I didnt want her wearing for christmas the outfit she chose. I wanted her to see that she isnt getting things her way.

anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:
hoddtastic · 30/12/2016 11:13

this sounds really rough, both the situation and the OP. In every way.

PerspicaciaTick · 30/12/2016 11:13

It sounds as though your ILs are brilliant at pressing your buttons, I don't know if they are doing it deliberately or if they are just insensitive. It also sounds like your OH hasn't been great at acting as a buffer between you and your family.
However, I can't help wondering if you might have undiagnosed PND and it is what is causing you to feel so angry and focus that anger on your MiL and SiL?
On the positive side of things, your DD will soon be wondering around under her own steam and probably won't tolerate being handed around like a doll for much longer.

Tryingtostayyoung · 30/12/2016 11:16

Twaty I can't see at all how you think the OP sounds like she has PND. To me it sounds like her and her baby have been smothered by her ohs family who have been completely disrespectful and now she is livid because she's had enough and isn't being supported correctly by her OH

Tryingtostayyoung · 30/12/2016 11:18

Seriously, who makes references to being the only nanny in a happy way when you know that's because the ops DM has unfortunately died?! That's utterly horrendous and shows what sort of person she is!! If my MIL did that to me I don't think I could ever look at her again let alone speak to her.

Astro55 · 30/12/2016 11:18

OP - I think the issue here is that whilst you are young - MIL sees you as a child incapable of being a good mother - and is treating you as a petulant child

You need to distance yourself

So not answer text straight away

Do not committed to X Y or Z - a quick I'll think about it or a I'll let you know and leave it for a while -

Go for coffee and take a friend - let her hold the baby or take baby for a walk to help her sleep so you and MIL can drink coffee etc

Back off without going NC so you automatically set boundaries

Do not go to there's unless you have to and like you say pop by for an hour at most

I doubt your OH enjoys this either

twattymctwatterson · 30/12/2016 11:27

Trying I say that because OPs reaction to what's going on seems so strong. I know that prior to realising I had PND I was focussing on things and making them a far bigger deal than they had to be in my mind. I'm confused as to why PP think that that suggesting this is disgraceful as though PND is some sort of shameful insult

Tryingtostayyoung · 30/12/2016 11:29

twattymctwatterson I don't think suggesting she has pnd is disgraceful or an insult at all, I never said that although I know other people did. I personally just don't see it at all. I would have been furious in most of these situations and if you continue to ignore and not address them eventually you will blow up and that's what I think has happened here.

Original poster
wingingitmomma · 30/12/2016 11:33

I agree there is no shame in PND. I do think everyone has raised some brillaint points I know I need to try not to focus on the stuff that makes me angry I could never stop contact with MIL deep down shes a good woman with a big heart shes just got funny ways of going about it and I could never rip her grandchild away from her but I do think I will limit the time we spend with her while this calms down and be more firmer. what people have said is right in away and I agree with the constructive criticism I have been given as for the abuse I am going to ignore it as its simply not helpful yes I have said something pretty unkind about someone but I was pushed to it. but defiantly no shame at all in pnd

OP posts:
ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 30/12/2016 11:51

I don't think suggesting she has pnd is disgraceful or an insult at all, I never said that although I know other people did

Of course PND isnt disgraceful what a strange slant to put on my comment.

I cant see any trace of PND at all - and in this context - ops particular context I think its awful to minimize what she has been through and say she has been over reacting. As a PP said - who on earth gloats over another woman's death because it means they will be sole granny.

If this doesn't give clues as to the nature of ops mil I don't know what does. Op is apparently over reacting to mis carriages D and V, her mothers passing, the over bearing hideous behaviour of her in laws, being pushed out no support from her OH etc etc....

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 30/12/2016 11:53

trying I quoted you but my comments were not too you BTW.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 30/12/2016 11:55

The bottom line is op, you have been through a hell of a lot - even a few things would have pushed most over the edge, its good you can recognize the issues now you need to make positive changes to minimize them.

Many posters on here have had to deal with very similar situations, its hard but not impossible, good luck Flowers, be kind to yourself and put yourself first.

Birdsgottafly · 30/12/2016 12:37

The only thing that you can do, is challenge her when she is nasty about your Dad, or any other subject that means something to you.

You can set your own boundaries and you can state that to your OH.

Some of what you've said, is passed and it would be better if you let it go, in regards to your MIL. She is your child's only Nan and done right, it's a very important relationship, in a child's life.

You said that she was too old to be babysitting, how old is she?

Blueskyrain · 30/12/2016 12:41

Am I right in thinking, you chose to go round for Christmas at 6pm on Boxing day, when your daughter was already asleep - meaning MIL would spend zero time with an awake grandchild that Christmas?

that coupled with the outfit spitefulness, and your responses to other people on here makes me think that you are more of an issue than MIL if I'm honest.

Original poster
wingingitmomma · 30/12/2016 12:44

She's not too old to be babysitting she's just emotionally inept the slightest thing brings her to tears plus she has a few health problems one that's physical that could potentially be quite dangerous if she was caring for the baby I just don't feel comfortable

OP posts:
EustaceClarenceScrubb · 30/12/2016 12:47

Wingingit- you don't need to explain yourself to anyone on here. If you don't feel comfortable leaving your baby with MIL or anyone else for that matter you don't have too.

Original poster
wingingitmomma · 30/12/2016 12:50

I went round in the evening on Christmas Day because she demanded I did after it was arranged that we would spend Boxing Day there she wasn't ready for us until around 6 on the Boxing Day. It's not a case of being spiteful but she has too many things her own way and she needs to learn that she does not call the shots she can control what she does over the festive period not what we do. Please bare in mind we didn't go to my dads house until gone 2 on Christmas Day we literally ate, helped clean up then left when we had arranged to play games etc this was planned a while ago but she threw her weight around and told us we were not allowed to do that. Also I can't help when the baby sleeps if she had been allowed to go to bed a sensible time on Christmas Day she would of been awake during the Boxing Day visit

OP posts:
PuppyCottonLane · 30/12/2016 13:02

You said on a previous thread that you suffered PND for the first 12 weeks and that your mother in law was a fantastic woman!! You also said you were pregnant again and that you were thinking of having an abortion and passing it off as a miscarriage?! You sound like you need help to be honest, something more professional than MN

PuppyCottonLane · 30/12/2016 13:06

So the question is - did you go through with the pregnancy as the thread was only posted on 12/12/16?

PuppyCottonLane · 30/12/2016 13:07

Because either way it will be affecting the way that you think, because to be honest your coming across as very strange

Original poster
wingingitmomma · 30/12/2016 13:08

Yeah I did feel like that I wasn't sure how to feel the 2nd time around I ended up talking to my partner about it and stating my concerns and he made me feel much better about the 2nd pregnancy I was already worried because of my history everything was fine routinely then a bleed randomly started was odd with no pain though so we wasn't sure what was going on I deeply regret how I felt about my pregnancy but was still devasted when after I had made a decision it was taken away. I have stated further up this post that aside from the overbearing and taking over my mil is a good woman with a big heart. I love her a great deal but I wish she would let me be a mum.. I felt the way I did about my last pregnancy because I don't feel like I have any control now and it's like someone else said with a 2nd child it becomes even harder to regain the control. It's a tough situation and unless you've been there yourself you will not understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
wingingitmomma · 30/12/2016 13:12

Puppy, we decided to go through with the pregnancy even sorted through the stuff from dd we wanted to use for new baby but suffered the miscarriage anyway. So now have all this baby stuff which is too good to throw away, little space to store it and no pregnancy which is awful but I feel like fate was tempted by my feeling the way I did to start my with.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 30/12/2016 13:13

Just seen op from previous thread and you seem to say you over reacted to MIL in the first 12 weeks. You sounded much calmer but it sounds like the Xmas events have pushed you back there and I think you could be having some complicated feelings re your recent miscarriage and extra hormones in your body too that have resulted in this. In previous thread you seem to have put to rest things that you are bringing up here.

PuppyCottonLane · 30/12/2016 13:15

I should probably mention that I suffered with post natal depression for about 12 weeks after my daughter was born it caused me to be very protective over the little one esp when it came to my MIL although she is a fantastic woman it has definitely left a mark on our relationship and I haven't been the same with her since luckily she still makes alot of effort with me but I still rarely let her babysit or see my daughter I dont know why but I still cant bare to see her holding my child.

That is a quote from your previous thread. Sounds like you've still got PND and you need professional help because the MIL can do no right in your eyes it seems. Your two threads are very conflicting

Original poster
wingingitmomma · 30/12/2016 13:19

It does feel like it's spiralled more since the miscarriage.. ESP with my mixed feelings about being pregnant in the first place. My last thread was very honest a little messed up I can't believe I could feel that way a year ago I would of never had these emotions quite sad really

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 30/12/2016 13:21

Op, seriously what the fuck were you thinking?

Why did you let some woman (who lets face it you barely know) stay with you in your house after you had just given birth? If my mil has suggested coming to stay, I would have laughed in her face...
You seriously need to sort this out, it goes beyond 'standing up to her' and 'setting boundaries'

Your kids are only young once, do you want every special occasion fucked by a woman you are only in contact with because your in a relationship with her son? No, she's had her turn.

Sort it out.