AIBU? Relationship breakdown MIL

[wingingitmomma]

This will be long so please bare with me. I want to try and be as fair as I can be but I will admit I have gotten so defensive over the situation it just makes me angry.

My MIL and me got on great, we used to go shopping, meet for coffee, go for lunches and we used to also spend a lot of time messaging or talking on the phone. I found out I was pregnant soon after me and my OH got together and MIL was happy about this.

Even before the baby was born the relationship began to suffer, we had quote a big bust up over the baby's name. She took over and bought loads of clothes including what would of been my daughters first Christmas outfit. We were all set to move in with her just before the baby was born and save a little more money so we could move comfortably into out own place.

A few days before I was induced to give birth I started being badgered by my MIL and BIL. My BIL does not live locally and he and his now fiancee wanted to come and stay at my MILs the day after I got out of hospital with the baby!! I was unhappy with this I was planning to breastfeed my baby. I had 2 MC previously and my pregnancy/ birth was not an easy one, I needed time to bond with my baby but what could I say it wasn't my house (or really my home) - They did end up staying and those first precious nights I should of been cuddling up with my baby on the sofa and kissing her tiny face my future SIL took over and I had to watch her do all of that as if my daughter was HER BABY! I hate my SIL now. My BIL and SIL are trying for a family of their own.. perhaps I will return the favour.

We stayed at my MIL for about 6 weeks after the baby was born until I broke down and confided in my OH that I couldn't live there a second longer. My MIL used to try and take the baby at every chance, she barged into my bedroom because she wanted to see her and lifted her out of her moses basket without my permission. I was furious. My MIL did was she does best and cried to OH when we said we were moving into my dads for a while.

Now me and OH have our own place and I have settled into motherhood well. Don't get me wrong I miss my sleep but what parent doesn't? Now my MIL tries making demands to see the baby and babysit her. To be honest she didn't exactly do a bang up job with her own kids.. she let them get away with murder even she will admit this.. I dont want her to babysit my daughter because she aggravates me she acts really OTT whenever she sees the baby she never comes to visit me or OH only the baby. I have allowed her to babysit a handful of times (my daughter is under one)my OH forced me and I can never wait to get her back from my MIL whereas I feel much more relaxed if my friend, cousin or dad babysits. I could also swear that when I am not around and she has the baby she pretends that my baby is hers and that really gets to me.

Last christmas we spent it with OHs family at my BILs house which as I mentioned is not local so this christmas I advised I would be spending it with my dad. (my mum died a few year ago so he only has my brother and uncle. me and my OH are very close to my dad) we had arranged to spend boxing day with my MIL on Christmas day morning my MIL called me and demanded to see my baby on christmas day and said she had to be awake. I wasn't going until my dads house until 2 and we had already made it clear that we were having some private time in the morning. she messaged me all day even while I was trying to eat christmas dinner asking me what time I would be home.. she messaged me so much my phone died. I was furious when I got there and in ended in a huge argument between me and my OH on christmas day night.

I forgot to mention my BIL and his bitch came to my MILs this christmas and for some reason whenever they come its all about them and we are expected to roll out the red carpet for them. I dont know why but every time they come my MIL takes a thousand photos of my BIL and SIL (mainly SIL) with our baby but she never takes any photos of me and my OH with our daughter. infact it kind of annoys me and my MIL, BIL and SIL all have to constantly shove a camera in my kids face. nobody else does that not even me and OH.

Boxing day came and I decided I wasn't spending anymore time then I had to at my MILs so we went round about 6pm. my daughter was asleep on the sofa next to me and had been asleep since we first arrived. My MIL kept deliberately raising her voice until she woke her up she made her cry and then thought I was going to hand her over to she could play the doting nanny infront of her other guests...yeah I dont think so love. Instead I held and soothed my baby back to sleep my MIL glared at me the whole time.

I also had to cap my daughters presents and I knew if given the chance my MIL would of completely out done us. I should be able to trust her to respect me as a mum she would of hated if if anyone had done that to her.

Also when I go to get my baby back off of her she ignores me or looks away other times she wont even pass the baby to me and will go out of her way (even walk past me) to pass the baby back to OH I just feel like punching her in the face when she does this.

I dread seeing them but unfortunately none of them are going anywhere anytime soon and if these feelings or situation does not resolve important events in my daughters life will be unhappy ones. I just wish they would back off and stop being so OTT I am afraid if something doesn't change I will need to cut ties with them for my own peace. she needs to remember shes had her kids and her chance this is my time now.

Also I deliberately let my dad choose my daughters christmas outfit.. I am pretty ashamed to admit that I did it out of spite but at the same time I didnt want her wearing for christmas the outfit she chose. I wanted her to see that she isnt getting things her way.

anyone else feel like this?

OP, your posts having a go at other posters is just showing how you react to things. Take a step back. Deep breath. A lot of people are saying you need to look at your own behaviour. It may be that you're acting this way from hormones and sleep etc piled on with the too much MIL prob but you are not reacting rationally. Stop telling people they can't post or how to post. It's really not helping your case.

Just ignore olympiathequeen, that was just nasty. It's clear that you have lost your own mum, it was your first baby and you were living in a house with an overbearing Mil who for whatever reason, took over and went too far. Sounds to me like you are now realising where your went wrong and just came on here for a bit if assurity.

Taking petty revenge is a way we ALL use when we are in a situation where we are otherwise powerless. We know we are doing it, but we do because it gives us back a degree of control. There is nothing more demoralising than feeling that there is nothing at all that we can do in our own defence.

OP - you are aware that you are doing some things to intentionally pee off your in-laws. As you regain control of the situation, and they recognise YOUR rights to parent your child, then you won't need or want to do these minor things.

Yes - it's petty, and yes - it's childish; but we all behave like that sometimes. I wonder if any of the people who are criticising you have ever been in a situation where they were powerless, and that the only way they could assert their independence was is these tiny, but obvious ways that say - "Look! You're not the boss of me. I am a grown person and this is my child, and I will dress her/ feed her/ cuddle her/ raise her in the way that I think is best for her. You can like it or you can lump it."

Have a chat with your DH, OP, and make a plan of action, so that you both back each other up over things and are consistent in your reactions to any emotional blackmail (e.g. crying) or sheer bloody-mindedness (e.g. not giving baby back to you). Decide between you when you will visit, how log you will stay, and what you will all (e.g. nappy changes, photos etc).

If you stick to your own unwritten rules it should help.

I would mention that your BIL and his wife seem to be flavour of the month. It may be that when they have a child, your DD is forgotten (I hope not, but be prepared). It will be worse for her if she has been the be all and end all of their attention, and then is suddenly sidelined, so make sure that she knows she is loved by ALL of the family (including your in laws), and make sure other family member s have a chance to fussier her too.

Good advice from Lyinwitch

I think you need to explore this more. I can't help wonder if this is a form of grieving for you mum. That you, your mum and dd are missing out as your mum isnt here.

This is very perceptive Scooby

I think that you could well be right and that there may be a lot of unresolved and unrecognised grief here.

i take all points on bored but I am getting frustrated that I mentioned a few times I dont think my own behaviour is perfect in this yet people still feel the need to tell you to just have a go I get that everyone has their own problems and has a bad day but sites like this are for people to vent, get advice and be able to write something without being attacked for it. If I wanted a load of abuse I would just start a huge row with my OH family I posted to get things off my chest that I wouldnt usually be able to talk about of course I know im not perfect or innocent in this. I am upset that the relationship has broken down as much as it has and I would give anything in the world to wake up and not feel the way I do about it it would certainty cause me less pain when there are times interaction with them in unavoidable but I cannot help my feelings they have manifested over a period of time and a lot of different actions. they are complicated feelings some of anger some of guild but mostly of sadness. I think I will take happys advice on the low contact seems like a good idea just for a while and a good time as theres nothing going on family wise for a few months. I will perhaps keep visits to meeting MIL in town like we used to for a coffee that way she can still see her grandchild but I can still feel in control of how long we spend together and if its going well we can maybe go somewhere else after. I wouldnt wish this situation on anyone or to feel the feelings I have felt towards these people its not nice and it causes all sorts of problems. I didnt mention before as not sure how important it was to this issue but I had a miscarriage just before christmas i wasnt very far along but OH was devastated.. I was also sad but I have been here before... MIL didnt seem to bothered or upset by what had happened just basically wanted us to hand over DD that upset me that she didnt seem to care I was nearly in for a D&C on christmas eve but the scan revealed the miscarriage had resolved itself (I have a history of needing D&Cs after miscarriage the last miscarriage I had almost killed me it caused a serious blood infection I spent nearly 2 weeks in hospital so I do regard myself as lucky this time) so yes I dont appreciate the abuse right now I dont think anyone knows exactly how I feel.

A lot of these things sound irritating and annoying but you seem to have escalated them in your head. What do you say at the time? If the Christmas outfit meant so much to you. You only had to say 'thanks it's a really sweet gesture but I have already bought one.' Set a limit on the toys. I have with my Mother. I say three maximum or I will give the rest to the charity shop.

You have to take some responsibility you and your DH got pregnant early on before setting up a home together. There were bound to be issues and tensions when living with MIL.

You call your SIL a bitch, one minute and then say you are not bothered. In your original post you complain the red carpet gets rolled out and it's all about them but then say they live so far away. And your DH hates his sister because she pushed him out of the way when changing a nappy. Really? All he had to say sternly was 'Stop. I am her Father, you are not her parent'.

You need to scale back your contact. Can you DH take the baby over to visit his Mother without you? You will be less irritated. Set a time limit. Arrange to meet in a park or baby class. At Christmas you should have made a proper visiting timetable. If there were unnecessary phone calls you would be within your rights to say, unless you stop I will have to temporarily block you as you are disturbing me and my time with my Dad.'

For your own sanity, you need to find a way of dealing this. Like you said she is not going anywhere. Do not let this situation ruin this precious time with your daughter. Do not let these irritations be your first memories.

Good luck OP

she bought the outfit before she was born just to claify x

op, Lying and Happy have given you some excellent advice on here they understand your situation.

Ignore other comments - they will only upset you- read lying and happy and go from there.

I feel for you so much op. How difficult to have this overbearing woman stamping all over your new maternal glow, not having your own mother to counteract this. You say you can't go NC and that must come from a place of kindness. Put distance between your family and your in laws, polite tolerance and limited contact. Let your dh take the baby for a couple of hours to see them while you have time for yourself (if you want it) and don't let the fuckers bring you down

Sorry to hear about your dad events over Christmas.....This is where you need to back off subtly....You keep coming back and having a go at those on here who aren't being helpful......Just take a few steps back and don't reply.....Back off gracefully....

Before she was born! Oh dear. Sorry. That is grim

That should have read sad events

I was just going to post similar to Happy but she has put it miles better than I ever could!

I think the OP is getting a really hard time, she has admitted she has handled things badly at times but she does sound like someone at the end of her tether who was outnumbered by MIL/BIL/SIL and a DP who was not 100% on board, all whilst living in MIL's house and having just given birth.

Can people really not see how overwhelming that must have been? I probably would have murdered someone in those circumstances, never mind calling them a bitch. And I am generally a people pleaser and have had a policy of appeasing my bonkers but not nearly as bad as the OP'S MIL for years.

OP I think it is good that you have recognised your behaviour in this and admit that you have handled things wrongly at times. I think the best way forward is as others have said, to set firm boundaries now that you are living in your own place.

Try also to take time to grieve for your DM. It is difficult to lose your mum, especially as you are a first time mum yourself and could have done with her at your side. I also get the awful pain that the MIL's comment about being the only grandmother must have caused. My own MIL hinted at the same when my DM died, it just rips your heart to pieces. Your DP absolutely should have said something to his mother about that. Dreadful comment.

Good luck will taking this forward OP!

You don't need to cut ties with anybody, you need to be firmer about boundaries, so you tell them DD needs to sleep now, you can hold her later etc
It might also help if you could try not to obsess about small details - Christmas outfits? couldn't get upset about that if I tried. I understand that this is a good forum to vent but you sound exceptionally angry and don't seem to be very aware of how your behaviour towards people is part of building a relationship.

Your mil sounds like a nightmare but so do you. At least 50% of your post about what you said/did is petty, spiteful shit. You are using your child to point score and that is not the actions of a good parent. Grow up. - THIS! Some people would be overjoyed that the rest of the family are fawning over the little one, I wonder if any of this has to do with the fact your own mum is not around so there is a little bitterness and resentment on your part?

thanks KC I know she just jept buying stuff even when we was out and I picked up something to buy for my baby she would always try and pay at the till for it. She came back with the outfit and other stuff before one day and I was just speechless was a cute outfit aswell. not even out of spite but my baby didnt get a chance to wear half of what was bought she got loads of really fancy stuff that wasn't practical for just around the house which is where you spend most of your time. it doesnt fit her now which is a shame. yeah I know I apologise just got wound up I am going to ignore the unhelpful comments now. thanks to everyone else you have all raised some great points that I hadnt considered before just been a hell of a lot going on

I feel as though people are being pretty harsh towards you OP, you've said you're aware there's fault on both sides and are ashamed of some of your own behaviour/actions - we can all make mistakes!
I've been in a very similar situation with my MIL and it's very very difficult, it's a very sensitive issue. My only advice to you is to tell your OH exactly how you feel, ask him for support in laying down some boundaries/ground rules and try and draw a line under the past to start afresh. Easier said than done when you feel hurt though, but just remember your DC and they deserve a relationship with their grandmother (even if you have to lay down some ground rules!)
Very best of luck!

Cross post, just saw your update about losing a baby before Christmas. Sorry for your loss.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas I agree with what you said. OP my mil is a little bit like that, she kept jumping in with what she thought was best and then in stupid concerning voice was telling me what I was doing wrong and how I should be doing it and what I should be giving my baby... bloody nightmare luckily we lived at my mums so didn't see her much but now my dds are older she still comes out with things that she believes are best which are complete rubbish telling e I should be feeding my kids coconut oil like wtf!! and she just makes plans like saying she's going to be taking them to the beach for a week and stay in a hotel... hmm I don't think so somehow her driving is proper dodgy I would not let my kids get in the car with her!! she also wanted to drag my eldest dd to the funfair only 2 days after she was home from hospital and needed to stay at home and rest... and then got shitty when told she couldn't she likes to play the outcast and black sheep victim card!! and the time I let her watch my eldest dd when she was 2yo while my and OH took newborn dd to town to get something she help her wee in the whole time ( I couldn't see what the point in this was ) my bathroom was downstairs she only had to walk through the kitchen and leave the door open while on the toilet there was no one else there just her and dd!! anyway sorry I have started ranting about my own mil ( she well and truly pisses me off )!! my advice would be talk to your OH and tell him how it makes you feel, and try and limit contact with you il's

Mummydawn07 wanna be best friends? lol! x its so harsh isnt it and you feel guilty for feelling that why then angry for feeling guilty its a vicious cycle!

Op the things you've posted sound irritating but your anger seems to be really disproportionate. It sounds like mil lacks boundaries but also that she loves your little one very much. I've noticed there's a lot of MY baby MY baby MY baby in your OP. Your DC isn't a possession to get jealous over. Iknow how upset you were when MIL suggested you might have PND and I'm honestly saying this from a place of concern but it was my first thought upon reading your op

I think the OP has gotten a really hard time here, she may not have articulated what she felt very well but you can tell she's just at the point where she's had enough.

I would have been devastated if people behaved like that when I just had a baby, how awful and inconsiderate! I think you did well even staying there for 6weeks, I would have been off to my dads the minute I found out she was taking 6months off.
I think moving forward you do need to put some distance there, you also need to speak to your OH, I would be making it clear that although your both saddened by your recent miscarriage, your not interested in any more children until you can find a solution as believe me it'll be worse when you have another baby in the mix, i would lay a bet on him taking this situation and your feelings a lot more serious.
You need to remember though that she is not in charge, you are, she can try and take over but ultimately she can't. The next time your daughter is asleep and she's speaking loudly, you say please keep your voice down or we will be leaving. The next time she's blowing up your phone constantly, you say please stop calling/messaging or I will block your number. Etc etc etc.

twaty sorry but what a load of utter rubbish how disgraceful.

Why is only your opinion allowed Ze