To be upset they've offered no contribution to the wedding?

[isthismummy]

Fiancé and I are getting wed in June. Date set. Registry office and reception booked. All very exciting and I can't wait to marry him :)

I'm asking the following not to get flamed, but to genuinely ask if AIBU. I really don't know and if people say I am then I will try and readjust my thinking accordingly.

My parents very generously offered us a substantial contribution to the wedding. We honestly didn't expect it, but we are very grateful. We will of course be covering some costs ourselves too. The wedding isn't going to be especially expensive anyway as we have very little money to spend. We've picked a nice venue so everyone can enjoy themselves, but cut out wedding transport, bridesmaids etc etc to keep the costs down as much as possible.

However my fiancé's family have not offered us a penny towards anything. His parents are both divorced and remarried. Although neither are rich, they aren't on the breadline either. His DM is probably the most comfortably off to the point of only having to work very PT.

Now I know that they are not obligated to offer us anything and I'm sure I will be told as such on this thread. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that neither cares enough to offer even a token gesture towards our big day. Perhaps I am being petty, but I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much to make it a lovely day. I should add that my parents are not especially wealthy people, probably on equal footing financially.

So AIBU? I really don't know. I just know it all feels very off to me.

What you could do OP is to sell tickets and that way everyone contributes

Actually traditionally there are some things the grooms family pays
for...
www.theknot.com/content/what-are-the-grooms-parents-expected-to-pay-for

Only traditionally mind you ;)

OP I haven't RTFT (sorry!) but based on your first post.

When me and my parter get married, I know my parents would offer to help towards it and i very much doubt my dps parents would. They are not the kind of people to think of stuff like this!

Try not to get too hung up on it, some people just don't think, even when they know others are contributing. They probably just think oh the brides family are paying as it's traditional.

Don't understand why you wouldn't accept help from your parents if offered

Enjoy your wedding OP

Good idea Livia

It's not about spending 2K ffs - it's saying you don't expect a contribution then complaining if you don't get one

Their money, their son, their choice

My parents paid for most of our wedding in 1987, (I think we paid for the cake, photos and invitations) I was early 20s and still lived at home. My Fil gave my dad a substantial amount of cash at the reception towards wine, drinks. Everyone was perfectly happy with that, and it hadn't been discussed who was paying for what

I hope you both have a wonderful day, and a long and happy marriage

We married a fair while ago, paid for it all ourselves as my parents didn't have a penny to offer (dad wore a suit from a charity shop).

DH parents divorced; FIL not badly off, acted as a driver for MIL and SIL and bridesmaids didn't offer any money at all. We asked him if we could borrow £1000 so we could have a lovely honeymoon, and we paid back every penny plus interest by direct debit. He never offered it as a gift, and we never asked.

MIL didn't offer to help and still demanded that her brother be invited to our wedding despite my never having met him as he indirectly insulted me when we got engaged.

DSD got married a couple of years ago and we offered her £1500 for after the wedding, to help with a house deposit or such, rather than just for the day itself. We ended up paying £500 for a nice hotel for them for the pre and post wedding nights, then giving £500 for furniture for their new flat. The balance £500 went to DSD a few months later to pay towards the divorce 😢

You sound very grounded OP, so don't lose sight of the fact that this is just one day and you don't need to throw money at it to have a wonderful day. Your marriage will be a far longer 'event', and it sounds as though your MIL is already happy to give you generous gifts, and perhaps might also help in times when you need it most, such as helping with your IVF, rather than what she might see as something slightly more frivolous such as your wedding day itself.

m0therofdragons. What a shocking thing to do! I just cannot fathom people doing that to their child.

Sorry, that bit should read 'acted as a driver for MIL and SIL and bridesmaids, and didn't offer any money', not that the bridesmaids didn't offer!

Pil offered us nothing - have been married 17 years and this is the first time I've even thought about it!

I'm not sure why so many people think its traditional for the groom's family to contribute nothing. In the UK and related countries I've worked in the convention was for the groom and his family to pay for:

• his clothes
• grooms outfits (but not best man for some reason)
• the wedding flowers
• the honeymoon
• the car hire
• rings + engagement ring
• gifts for the bridesmaids/pages
• some random items i've forgotten

Bride's/bride's family:

• her dress
• bridesmaids dresses
• reception (biggest single bill by far, so modern etiquette guides sometimes mention possibility of a contribution from the groom's family if his family are large)

In practice as others have said its increasingly common for couples to pay for their own weddings, sometimes with contribution from parents.

Op, Neither set of parents are obliged to contribute. You in turn are entitled to interpret it with your experience of them. Only you/they know if they are tightwads, hard up or simply don't think of it as the groom's role to pay toward a wedding.

It is customary in the speeches to thank parents who have helped/contributed, maybe with a token gift or flowers these days as well. You will only need to thank one side in that respect.

Op I cant wade through 9 pages of grabby comments.
Its clear your not being grabby, and its lovely of your DP to offer to contribute, I would very much hope to be able to do the same - however small a gesture for my own DC wedding, whatever I could afford but of course usually DP do chip in with something.

Op - lower your expectations, perhaps they will be more generous wih honeymoon presents or money.

Of course you would think they would offer something even £50 token gesture, thats not being grabby. Have a lovely wedding op and dont expect from people, keep expectations low. And I do agree that not giving ££ does not mean they dont care though.

I like to assume it was a miscommunication or I'd be too angry. They hate my parents as they have money - worked very hard and are comfortable. It's not like they own a yacht or mansion. I'm assuming it was to do with this. Families are complex and often money comes with caveats so often it's better to do it yourself.

YABU, am paying for my own wedding. No one is obligated to give you their money. Ever. Not even banks.

I don't understand.
You didn't expect YOUR parents to contribute.

So why the issue with your dp' parents ?

I don't think YABU OP in being disappointed by this. Even if they don't want to contribute a lot, it would be a nice gesture to offer to pay for something. My DNephew is getting married and SIL was saying that as the B2Bs parents were paying for the wedding, they were thinking about what they could gift to the couple.

It could be that being divorced they don't see the value in spending a lot on a wedding, or if the divorce was a particularly vicious one they might not want to put in money towards their DS's wedding unless the other one was doing equally. It's hard to tell really.

It sounds like your concern is not the financial element, but the fact that your fiances' parents don't seem to care. I think you need to try to put it to one side. You have organised an affordable wedding and you have quite sensibly prioritised your IVF treatment over an expensive wedding and honeymoon.

When doing the speeches make sure that your DH2B thanks your parents for their generous contribution in his speech, or if you're feeling more modern you could do it yourself. That way they get the recognition.

We have 4 dc. 3 of them are adults. I am aghast that we would be expected to contribute to a wedding 😵😤. I think the op is very entitled.We don't have the cash. End of.

You don't need a big wedding, unless you have lots of spare money. Dh and l got married 5 years ago. The only cost was the cost of the pub which we paid for.

DoWhatNow

My parents and inlaws would offer as they love us

I honestly think that's an awful thing to say. Do you genuinely believe that? Are you suggesting to the OP that her inlaws don't 'love' their son?

I know on Mumsnet there is a lot of support for the bin bag and bus stop style weddings but I think (hope?) it's got more to do with people only having weddings that they can afford rather than anything else. I think it's weirdly old fashioned to expect anyone else apart from the people getting married to contribute to a wedding unless they want to.

OP some people don't believe in spending money on weddings. My mil gave us some money afterwards because she considers weddings to be wasteful. She would have contributed to ivf though definitely

What about all the other guests who haven't contributed, will you struggle to also treat them on the same footing as your parents as you so put it?

If that's the case, maybe you should just elope.

OP, I agree with you. Bit odd to offer nothing towards the start of your married life. If divorced is there a lot of bad blood and maybe they don't relish the idea of a wedding at all? Sorry, HFTFT so might have been covered already.

I'm glad to see "Bin Bags & Bus Stop Weddings" has now become an actual phrase on MN!

OP IMO YANBU but there will always be others who think the opposite- perhaps including your PIL. Fingers crossed they surprise you with a wedding gift or honeymoon contribution. I think it would be the elephant in the room if they sat on their hands contributing nothing at all!

I actually think YANBU to feel a bit miffed, although YABU to expect a contribution. Of course they have no obligation - but equally of course, you would have thought they would want to make a small contribution, even if it's just a token gesture like paying for the flowers.

I'm absolutely agog at the amount of meanness on this thread.

People seem to think nothing of producing a multitude of children but failing to help them financially at key times in their adult lives is just rotten imo.

It's nice to be nice, money really does bring out the worst in people.

All the best for your wedding OP.

well knackered - You've taken that out of context. Read the rest of my post.

Loads of people have pointed out that you have repeated said that you didn't expect money from your parents, yet feel miffed that you're not getting from your in laws.