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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset they've offered no contribution to the wedding?

369 replies

isthismummy · 28/12/2016 11:52

Fiancé and I are getting wed in June. Date set. Registry office and reception booked. All very exciting and I can't wait to marry him :)

I'm asking the following not to get flamed, but to genuinely ask if AIBU. I really don't know and if people say I am then I will try and readjust my thinking accordingly.

My parents very generously offered us a substantial contribution to the wedding. We honestly didn't expect it, but we are very grateful. We will of course be covering some costs ourselves too. The wedding isn't going to be especially expensive anyway as we have very little money to spend. We've picked a nice venue so everyone can enjoy themselves, but cut out wedding transport, bridesmaids etc etc to keep the costs down as much as possible.

However my fiancé's family have not offered us a penny towards anything. His parents are both divorced and remarried. Although neither are rich, they aren't on the breadline either. His DM is probably the most comfortably off to the point of only having to work very PT.

Now I know that they are not obligated to offer us anything and I'm sure I will be told as such on this thread. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that neither cares enough to offer even a token gesture towards our big day. Perhaps I am being petty, but I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much to make it a lovely day. I should add that my parents are not especially wealthy people, probably on equal footing financially.

So AIBU? I really don't know. I just know it all feels very off to me.

OP posts:
peanut2017 · 28/12/2016 14:03

My parents gave us something but it was only weeks before the wedding so they still might? The in laws gave us something a good few months out.

FudgeBiscuits · 28/12/2016 14:04

Get a grip.

You want to get married, pay for it yourself!!

Costacoffeeplease · 28/12/2016 14:06

All very odd, you don't expect a contribution but now you're annoyed you don't seem to be getting one?

Make your mind up

leaveittothediva · 28/12/2016 14:07

I know of a few instances of this happening, but in fairness, the families that didn't contribute to the wedding paid for the honeymoon instead. (not cheap ones either), do you think this could happen in your case OP. It's just a nice surprise.

Unluckycat1 · 28/12/2016 14:14

YABU

You can go and get married at a registry office if what you want is to simply be married. The expensive party is a your choice add on. One that no one else should feel obliged to pay towards. Really it's a massive money pit for one day and the last thing I'd want to contribute towards with my own children.

ToffeeChops · 28/12/2016 14:16

You're not grabby, and ynbu.

We got married in 1984, very young. My parents paid for everything, in laws made no contribution at all and made it clear it was because 'the bride's family pays'. It was true then but it still hurt, especially as I ended up buying the things the groom traditionally pays for (his suit, etc) as he had no money and I had fractionally more. They were well off but withholding money was a way of making it clear they felt we were too young and they disapproved.

We vowed if we had children we would endeavour to do the same of each of them (I know it's not always possible) and we have put money aside ever since. Last year our daughter got married and we gave them £7k towards the wedding. On Christmas Eve our oldest son proposed to his long-term partner and we will be doing the same for them this year. If and when our youngest son marries we'll do the same again for him, if we possibly can. It's not about the money, it's about wanting to support them and show them we care. We're not rich and the monetary gifts have been / will be a sacrifice but it's one we want to make because although our children are adults and responsible for themselves we love to help them.

Not everyone can afford to do it, and that may be true for your future ILs.....but I do understand why you're feeling a bit bruised by it, OP.

dowhatnow · 28/12/2016 14:21

All very odd, you don't expect a contribution but now you're annoyed you don't seem to be getting one?

Not odd at all. It isn't about the money but the though behind it.

Patriciathestripper1 · 28/12/2016 14:22

I think they should have offered something even if it was just to cover either the flowers or cake or photographer. Nothing at all does seem a bit mean.
I know in this day and age people often pay for their own weddings although it used to be the father of the bride who paid. My Dh is perhaps a bit old fashioned but he has an account just for our DD big day (or whatever she chooses to do with it instead) and she is only 9 but money is saved every month for her future.
Maybe get your parents a special gift for the help they have given you towards your big day?

WhiteStars · 28/12/2016 14:24

YANBU. I can't imagine as a parent not wanting to help and contribute to a child's wedding. To sit there and say and offer nothing is just bizarre unless they don't have it to offer. Even if they said "we would like to help you can we pay for the cake?" Etc- they could choose something small and contribute that way. It's not about the amount necessarily but about the gesture and they definitely should financially help in some way if they can.

SheldonCRules · 28/12/2016 14:24

YABVU, it sounds like you expected everyone else to pay.

If your parents donation was truly unexpected then you should have already covered the costs yourselves so there was nothing left to pay anyway and it was a bonus from your parents.

Maybe his parents feel your wedding you pay given you are adults. If my DIL measured me as a guest according to how many cash I gave her I would be deeply disappointed in my sons choice.

PhilomenaCatLover · 28/12/2016 14:24

Hmm.. MNers are so different to the people I know IRL. And FWIW I don't think you sound grabby at all OP + your wedding sounds lovely and will get your marriage off to a good start.

As you can see, it's considered bad form to "expect" anything of anyone on MN because no one owes you anything :) but I see what you mean about it being odd that they haven't offered a token contribution. I'm guessing it isn't about the money at all but you're focusing on it as a way of articulating their lack of general excitement? If you think about it charitably, maybe MIL had an MIL who was too nosy and interfering and is therefore trying to not impose any of her ideas on your wedding? Try reaching out to her and seeing what she thinks about a few things while being v clear you're not looking for a financial contribution!

Also, what does your fiancé think? This may just be the dynamic in his family and he's not too bothered? Net net - try not to give yourself things to get upset about, overall it sounds like the wedding is coming along nicely anyway! And good luck!

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 14:24

No debriefing required Very Bitchy.

Small guest list. Registry office do. Afternoon Tea for all at a posh hotel afterwards (the fancy surroundings detract from the fact we have no money for flowers, decorations etc)

No bridesmaids, cheap dress, taxis instead of wedding cars. Voila! :)

I don't think they would pay for honeymoon Leaveittothediva. We aren't having one anyway. We can't afford one and we're saving up for private IVF so that has to be prioritised.

Thank you ToffeeChops. I'm so sorry to read of your own experience. I cannot get my head around people behaving like that. So lovely you are putting money aside for your own DC though. Such a beautiful thing to do.

OP posts:
WhiteStars · 28/12/2016 14:31

It's so boring when any OP mentions "wedding" and all the bitter posters crawl out of the woodwork and attack them for deigning to get married in any more than a bin bag with beans on toast in a bus stop for the reception. I don't think anyone can call OP grabby on this occasion, isn't it usual for parents to offer something for their child's wedding? Everyone I know who got married accepted some kind of contribution from parents whether large or small.

SheldonCRules · 28/12/2016 14:32

Maybe they feel it's a waste of money, a marriage only needs a vicar or registrar, everything else is a luxury and essentially a party/meal.

I'd help mine with uni fees or a house deposit but not a wedding. That's there's to fund if they want to waste money on just one day. Marriage is about the vows not the party, flowers or cake.

pteradactyl · 28/12/2016 14:34

I dont think yabu. Of course they don't have to, but it would be a nice gesture, even if it is only for something small as a token.

Eevee77 · 28/12/2016 14:40

Yes YABU. Also if my own parents offered a "substantial amount" I'd decline unless they were literally rolling in it. Money does not equal caring but perhaps it's how you've been brought considering your parents contribution. Very self indulgent of you, to hope for money because you've made a choice to get married.

dowhatnow · 28/12/2016 14:41

sheldon - but surely you'd offer a token gesture or you'd have a discussion about helping them out for house not wedding etc.

Mine offered me money towards a house or a wedding and made it clear it wouldn't be both.
I accepted help for my house because I hadn't met DH then, so I didn't expect anything for my wedding. as it happened they made a token gesture to oiur wedding which was not expected but was appreciated

The point is we discussed it. If the ops inlaws had said "we would love to help but money is tight at the moment" that would be fine. It's the fact they don't seem to care at all, is why she's upset.

BToperator · 28/12/2016 14:43

I think some people on MN just like to have a go. I posted a thread a few years back, when DSD threw her toys out of the pram because DH and I were only able to contribute 1k to her wedding, and she wanted more. I got told that I clearly did not like her, and we were incredibly stingy, and should have been saving up for the wedding! It has made me chuckle to see the exact opposite being said by a lot of people here.

SantasJockStrap · 28/12/2016 14:55

BTOperator,

People will change their tune at the drop of a hat, just for a bit of drama on here - there is no consistency. Some people are nice, but at least half come on here for a bit of drama

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 14:57

Dammed if you do and dammed if you don't BTOperator.

OP posts:
SantasJockStrap · 28/12/2016 14:57

WhiteStars so right and well put

I would wager that a lot of people on here, who are bashing the OP for even taking the contribution from her parents, were helped out massively from parents. But they won't admit it, god no, they are pefect

So many people on here are that full of shit

BertrandRussell · 28/12/2016 14:59

Well traditionally, the groom's family don't contribute to the wedding.

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 15:00

I've actually now cancelled the hotel in favour of the bus stop Whitestars. I have seen the error of my outlandish, 2k wedding ways ;)

OP posts:
Trills · 28/12/2016 15:00

I don't think people change their tune at the drop of a hat, I think different people post on different threads.

m0therofdragons · 28/12/2016 15:01

I don't think yabu but I married young and my parents paid for everything. Pil kept mentioning giving money towards the wedding but never set an amount. Dh set up a direct debit to pay into his parent's savings for the wedding as his contribution. He put in about 1k and expected his parents to use that plus some of their own money, although they never stated how much that would be. The day before the wedding they said they'd pay for the dj - £350. Basically they made a profit from dh.