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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset they've offered no contribution to the wedding?

369 replies

isthismummy · 28/12/2016 11:52

Fiancé and I are getting wed in June. Date set. Registry office and reception booked. All very exciting and I can't wait to marry him :)

I'm asking the following not to get flamed, but to genuinely ask if AIBU. I really don't know and if people say I am then I will try and readjust my thinking accordingly.

My parents very generously offered us a substantial contribution to the wedding. We honestly didn't expect it, but we are very grateful. We will of course be covering some costs ourselves too. The wedding isn't going to be especially expensive anyway as we have very little money to spend. We've picked a nice venue so everyone can enjoy themselves, but cut out wedding transport, bridesmaids etc etc to keep the costs down as much as possible.

However my fiancé's family have not offered us a penny towards anything. His parents are both divorced and remarried. Although neither are rich, they aren't on the breadline either. His DM is probably the most comfortably off to the point of only having to work very PT.

Now I know that they are not obligated to offer us anything and I'm sure I will be told as such on this thread. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that neither cares enough to offer even a token gesture towards our big day. Perhaps I am being petty, but I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much to make it a lovely day. I should add that my parents are not especially wealthy people, probably on equal footing financially.

So AIBU? I really don't know. I just know it all feels very off to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 13:29

Thank you Mrs Hathaway :)

Verbena. They already know my parents are contributing. It's not that we need their help as such, it's just the significance of the gesture that I've been fretting over (rightly or wrongly)

I'd never ask. I don't think it would be right at all in the circumstances.

OP posts:
DollyPlastic · 28/12/2016 13:29

This thread is odd.

You didn't expect financial help, but took it anyway..then you've had s little think and have decided that your fiances family should shell out too.

Regardless of your 2k budget wedding, I think you're coming across as grabby. And I've RTFT Grin

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 13:33

We didn't expect it, but yes we took it when offered.

I'm honestly amazed at the number of people saying a daughter shouldn't take her parents kindly offered help towards her wedding. It's not just about us having nice bloody table flowers. It's about my parents pride in me getting married and them wanting to contribute to that.

What is wrong with that? It's frankly ridiculous that people are saying we shouldn't have taken the money!

I don't expect them to "shell out" I'm upset rightly or wrongly that they've offered no help at all. I'm pretty sure I've repeated that fact several times.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 13:35

Thank you Loobylou.

Although I probably am a bit of a drama lama at times. Anxiety issues combined with planning a wedding whilst starting IVF treatment can do that to a woman. I might have bitten off more than I can chew!

OP posts:
hippyhippyshake · 28/12/2016 13:35

How would you have felt if it had been ils offering the money but not your own parents? And also if ils had contributed 5k/10k etc. Would you be miffed if your parents didn't match it? Would you thanks ils at reception and not your own parents? Would you think your own parents didn't care enough?

misskatamari · 28/12/2016 13:36

I do think you're being unreasonable, as you acknowledge that you didn't expect your parents to contribute, but are now annoyed that your fiances family aren't contributing.

If neither sets of parents had offered would you be okay with that? Is it just that your parents have offered to contribute and his haven't that's what's getting to you? If so then it really isn't fair of you to be annoyed with them. I think in your situation I would probably feel similar though, and that's fine, you feel how you feel. But I think you need to put it out of your mind and focus on planning a lovely wedding, and try not to read into other people's actions. You don't know why they haven't contributed, it could be for so many reasons (many of which have been mentioned up thread). Just try to be grateful for the help your parents have offered, plan your lovely day, thank them in the speeches, and focus on the fact that you're marrying the man you love. At the end of the day, all these "it's not fair" feelings are just gonna make you feel shit, so just try and accept that, for whatever reason, your fiances parents haven't offered and move on.

WellKnackered · 28/12/2016 13:38

They already know my parents are contributing

How? Why? Shock It's got nothing to do with them. Is it possible that they think they were told to try to pressurise them to do the same because if that's the case then maybe that's why they arent helping out.

SantasJockstrap · 28/12/2016 13:38

OP I don't know how to do it in bold or quotes but this bit you said '''You're right SantasJockstrap. I have a terrible habit of focusing on stuff in order to ruin my happiness. I've done it my entire life. I will have to be extra careful I don't do it here!'''

I wondered, it sounds as if you have anxiety, this overthinking crap (as I do myself) and overthink a happy situation into a problem. I think getting a handle on that, is the way forwards in this situation, and in any situation that life can throw at you hun.

May I recommend trying this:-

You see these threads all the time where someone is bitterly complaining about one aspect of their wedding preps, might be that the bother of the bride is wearing the wrong dress or something and in years to come, when you are thinking of the wedding preparations, instead of having a smile, you will be remembering anxiety

face slap to reality

And don't worry about some of these pent up women on here, I think Jezza may have finished for the day - you don't need to explain yourself to anyone

SantasJockstrap · 28/12/2016 13:39

In fact I think everyone on this thread could benefit from this

SantasJockstrap · 28/12/2016 13:40

NOTHING WRONG WITH TAKING YOUR PARENTS MONEY, stop explaining yourself to COMPLETE STRANGERS who are trying to make you feel bad about your life because they have nothing going on in their lives

STOP doing this to yourself op

Bitofacow · 28/12/2016 13:42

I think you ANBU. You know they are not obliged but it would be nice if they offered to buy some fizz for the toasts. A small gesture, an acknowledgement that this is important and they are with you.
I understand. Let it go, move on. Smile and wave.

SantasJockstrap · 28/12/2016 13:43

hello

SantasJockstrap · 28/12/2016 13:44

O sorry I was just trying to work out how to write something in bold

WAHEY

RhodaBull · 28/12/2016 13:50

I'm with the OP. It is disappointing when people are stingy.

Dh and I paid for everything. Dm bought the cake, and honestly you'd have thought it was the cake's wedding. "Have you seen the cake?" "Are there photos of the cake?" "I have to return the CAKE stand and knife to the shop" "It was a lovely cake at Rhoda's wedding" And breathe...

Pil, in spite of being well off, contributed nothing. As someone upthread said, just a little gesture like buying the buttonholes would be appreciated. Mil tried to arrive at the church after I did which caused a bit of upset (I had to hide round the back of the church as the pil swept in ten minutes late) and fil's first words to me as his new dil were, "That track up to the church nearly ruined the car and we were shaken black and blue." Grrrrrrrr.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/12/2016 13:50

Yanbu i think you've had a hard time too. A token gesture from them would have been nice. Its not about the money its the thought x

thatdearoctopus · 28/12/2016 13:51

YABU for using the phrase "getting wed."

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 13:55

That is beyond brilliant SantasJockstrap. I am going to listen to that meditation every day. Thank you so much.

I will stop explaining myself henceforth. The people who keep asking clearly aren't listening.

Off to listen to that again...

OP posts:
Bauble16 · 28/12/2016 13:56

What on earth makes you question this? People can be generous for weddings but it's not automatically done.

SantasJockstrap · 28/12/2016 13:57

My in laws contributed nothing to our wedding - we paid for everything ourselves

Eight months later my SIL married and the In laws brought her dress and other costs (not disclosed to me nor none of my business).

It never occurred to me that this was strange - and still doesn't really - I think it is a cultural thing that parents want to help their daughter

DrudgeJedd · 28/12/2016 13:58

are you going to be bolding all of your sexist, snidey comments now? Xmas Grin

SantasJockstrap · 28/12/2016 13:59

isthismummy :)

I have that saved as a favorite on my works computer - when things start going tits up I play it, there are loads of good guided meditations on you tube I find

ANYWAY talking of work, I really should , ahem, go and DO some

lunch break over

have fun ladies

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 14:00

thatdearoctopus. No need to run. I actually thought that as soon as I posted it. If only you could alter posted threads on MN!

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 28/12/2016 14:00

Mumsnet are funny sometimes.

I love my dc and would help them out if I could. My parents and inlaws would offer as they love us. Depending on their finances we wouldn't always accept, but the offer is always appreciated. I take those offers for granted as I know they love us. I offer my Dc as I love them. That is my norm.

Now I know that many will say that love doesn't equate to money etc but in my world it is all intertwined. We help each other out emotionally, practically and financially.
I can understand why the op feels put out that there was no offer, because her family may operate like mine and fortunately dh's does. So her disquiet isn't the money in itself, in her mind its the lack of thought/care behind no offer.

Op, we just need to get out heads round that a lot of families don't operate our way.

SantasJockstrap · 28/12/2016 14:01

Oh tits

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 28/12/2016 14:01

I am very impressed at the idea of you managing to have a wedding on £2k in central London, OP.

A full MN debriefing will be required afterwards. Wink

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