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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For DH not to apologise for telling off SIL?

137 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 27/12/2016 14:28

Sorry a long one.

Yesterday we had my PIL, DH'S DBrother, his wife (my SIL) over for dinner. BIL/SIL's 2 DC were there as will as my DSS.

I was mainly in the kitchen cooking before dinner and DH was helping BIL build a toy that BIL brought with him for his DC's in another room. PIL were having a nap. SIL and all DC's were watching TV in a separate room. So neither DH or I was in the same room as DSS who is 12.

DSS came in to tell me that SIL was making fun of him. DSS was a bit upset. SIL was calling him my 'soap powder' and wouldn't stop after DSS asked her to. DSS didn't understand why she was calling him this and didn't want to be in the same room as her. I popped into the room with DSS and asked SIL to pop into the kitchen leaving DSS to finish watching the film.

I asked SIL what she meant by my 'soap powder'. SIL explained as I don't have DC's of my own, DSS is therefore my non-biological DC. Hence calling him my 'soap powder'. I told her that DSS doesn't understand that and doesn't like being called that. I asked her to stop. SIL said it was a joke and DSS needs to get over himself. She then went back into the TV room.

Luckily dinner was ready and I got DH to help serve so I could mention it to him. He wasn't happy about the name and said if she says it again he was have a word. She called DSS it again at dinner so DH to her to stop. SIL didn't mention it after that.

So today DH gets a call from his DPs. His DBrother called them to say that apparently SIL was upset last night and felt intimidated by DH so they won't be coming over for Hogmanay at PIL as DH will be there. PIL apologised on DH behalf. DH told PIl he didn't mean to upset SIL but he couldn't let her continue to call DSS a name. PIL think DH overeacted and that DH should just apologise for a quiet life and it doesn't really matter. DH has said he won't be apologising and we won't be coming over for Hogmanay.

Is DH being unreasonable? The name is kind of funny, however DSS didn't get it and was upset.

OP posts:

PaulDacresConscience · 27/12/2016 20:39

They wanted to talk to DSS about what SIL called him to check if he really was upset

What, in case you and your H lied about it and just made it up for a laugh? WTF?

ohfourfoxache · 27/12/2016 21:03

Your PILs sound like they are prepared to overlook anything- even their own grandson's feelings- for a quiet life. Not exactly an admirable quality to have.

CotswoldStrife · 27/12/2016 21:52

They wanted to talk to DSS about what SIL called him to check if he really was upset.

I was going to say that I can see where your SIL gets it from but it's her inlaws

But luckily that gene skipped your DH and he stood up for him as you did at the time too. Your SIL was told twice how upsetting it was for him, she knows that but she won't want to admit that to her inlaws. She is making herself look more of a prat though, as I don't think you've done anything like this before (refused to go round) so the inlaws have realised that (a) it's serious and (b) rather than a graceful retreat by not getting involved they've backed the wrong side!

mimishimmi · 27/12/2016 21:56

I don't understand. What is the connection between soap powder and step children? She sounds like an idiot.

SenecaFalls · 27/12/2016 23:02

SIL and I have had a few frank discussions me telling her to fuck off about my 'motives' about being a step parent as she thinks no-one would purposely choose to do so unless they have something wrong with them.

Wow. And this is the person they are defending over your DH? Speaking as a stepmother who helped raise my DH's two young children, I find this attitude especially objectionable.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2016 23:10

Seneca

I think it's a case of she who shouts loudest. And favouritism perhaps. This sort of scenario has happened between sil/brother and my family on a number of occasions including them ganging up on dd. Dd has been marginalised on several occasions and instead we have been deemed the aggressors by my mother/brother/sil. Brother is golden child and mother wouldn't dare challenge sil. brother is a superior male .

Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2016 00:15

YANBU.

Sil was out of order.I

Personally, I'd join in all family activities and if it comes up again just let your dh explain he was stocking up for a child his child.

Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2016 00:16

Sticking up for...

LagunaBubbles · 28/12/2016 00:26

Nasty horrible woman.

TheSlaughterOfHerodificado · 28/12/2016 08:50

I think I agree with ItalianGreyhound.

Why should your family have to miss enjoyable activities and get-togethers because your BIL and SIL are idiots?

Go for Hogmanay. If they don't go, that is their choice. You haven't stopped them - they have stopped themselves.

kiwigeekmum · 28/12/2016 09:17

That is nothing short of bullying. A grown woman bullying a 12 year old boy. Disgusting behaviour.

YANBU.

They all owe your family an apology, not the other way around.

ChuckSnowballs · 28/12/2016 09:22

So your inlaws are favouring the adult daughter in law over their own grandson? And are basically calling you drama queens for blowing this out of proportion. Do they understand what her comment meant? Does her husband?

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