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Original poster

For DH not to apologise for telling off SIL?

137 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 27/12/2016 14:28

Sorry a long one.

Yesterday we had my PIL, DH'S DBrother, his wife (my SIL) over for dinner. BIL/SIL's 2 DC were there as will as my DSS.

I was mainly in the kitchen cooking before dinner and DH was helping BIL build a toy that BIL brought with him for his DC's in another room. PIL were having a nap. SIL and all DC's were watching TV in a separate room. So neither DH or I was in the same room as DSS who is 12.

DSS came in to tell me that SIL was making fun of him. DSS was a bit upset. SIL was calling him my 'soap powder' and wouldn't stop after DSS asked her to. DSS didn't understand why she was calling him this and didn't want to be in the same room as her. I popped into the room with DSS and asked SIL to pop into the kitchen leaving DSS to finish watching the film.

I asked SIL what she meant by my 'soap powder'. SIL explained as I don't have DC's of my own, DSS is therefore my non-biological DC. Hence calling him my 'soap powder'. I told her that DSS doesn't understand that and doesn't like being called that. I asked her to stop. SIL said it was a joke and DSS needs to get over himself. She then went back into the TV room.

Luckily dinner was ready and I got DH to help serve so I could mention it to him. He wasn't happy about the name and said if she says it again he was have a word. She called DSS it again at dinner so DH to her to stop. SIL didn't mention it after that.

So today DH gets a call from his DPs. His DBrother called them to say that apparently SIL was upset last night and felt intimidated by DH so they won't be coming over for Hogmanay at PIL as DH will be there. PIL apologised on DH behalf. DH told PIl he didn't mean to upset SIL but he couldn't let her continue to call DSS a name. PIL think DH overeacted and that DH should just apologise for a quiet life and it doesn't really matter. DH has said he won't be apologising and we won't be coming over for Hogmanay.

Is DH being unreasonable? The name is kind of funny, however DSS didn't get it and was upset.

OP posts:
hackmum · 27/12/2016 15:51

"SIL was upset last night and felt intimidated by DH so they won't be coming over for Hogmanay at PIL as DH will be there."

You have the perfect riposte: you should say to her exactly what she said about your DSS - she should get over herself.

What an absolutely vile woman.

CotswoldStrife · 27/12/2016 15:51

SIL is in the wrong here, you don't torment a child when you know that they don't like it. Also, I assume it's your DH's child so the term only applies to you (if you see what I mean) it's a bizarre thing to say. Although it might be best to knock the Dyson comment on the head too, as otherwise SIL will be saying it's OK from your side of the family ... (I can just see it coming!).

Your PIL have reacted badly too, enjoy your NYE celebrations on your own - they all sound best avoided at the moment until common sense kicks in.

FinnegansCake · 27/12/2016 15:54

So your SIL is appallingly insensitive towards your DSS, but is over-sensitive when pulled up for her rudeness, then your DH is expected to apologise for rightly sticking up for his son ... your PIL seem to have a very skewed way of looking at the situation. Your SIL is the one who should apologise, how would she feel if one of you consistently said something to one of her kids that you knew was upsetting them?

diddl · 27/12/2016 15:57

Typical bully-can dish it out but can't take it!

Butteredpars1ps · 27/12/2016 15:59

Good for your DH. He gave a tactful explanation to his Son and has stuck up for him. That's a good Dad.

M00nUnit · 27/12/2016 16:05

I felt really angry reading your OP. "Soap powder"? That's vile - what a nasty thing to say and it's not remotely funny. Just what exactly was your SIL trying to achieve I wonder? She can't possibly have thought he'd find that amusing. Does she call her own children "biological soap powder"? Stupid woman.
My sisters have never been anything except kind and welcoming to my stepchildren and I'd be furious if they ever treated them the way your SIL has treated your DSS. Good on you and your DP for sticking up for him.

ENormaSnob · 27/12/2016 16:06

Stupid cow. What a mean and spiteful thing to say.

Yanbu, and I would be livid fil felt it appropriate to apologise on dhs behalf ShockAngry

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2016 16:18

I drew my breath in with a gasp of horror when it dawned on me what the soap powder joke referred to.

Me too. Absolutely vile behaviour. Unanimous YANBU.

SVJAA · 27/12/2016 16:20

I'm adopted and My XH used to refer to me as a Raggy doll (kids tv show where the factory rejects get dumped in the reject bin) and he once asked my dad if he'd kept my receipt. I've never seen my auld man so close to knocking someone out in my life. It's a horrible joke to make, and to then manipulate everyone into feeling sorry for her is worse. Stand your ground OP, you're not in the wrong. Your DSS is lucky to have a SM who cares so much, I'm just sorry your SIL is a dick.

DramaQueenofHighCs · 27/12/2016 16:27

YADNBU!! I would be FURIOUS at her if I were you. How dare she carry on when DSS told her he didn't like it, it's just plain rude and nasty. As for asking your DH to apologise - Personally I would say that I'm happy to sweep it all under the carpet on the proviso that it never happens again (if it did there wouldn't be a second chance) but I would NOT appologise for telling her off.

Bobsmum02 · 27/12/2016 16:30

Your SIL is a bitch and an immature one at that!

As someone who grew up with a step-father who is very much my dad, biological or not! I would be most offended if someone called me any names that made fun of that!!

Your DH should not apologise and your PIL shouldn't have asked him to!

diddl · 27/12/2016 16:32

Sweep it under the carpet?

All she had to do was shut her bloody mouth when Op's son first asked her to!

MadameJosephine · 27/12/2016 16:34

Tbh I think I might have withdrawn my invitation for her to come for Hogmanay if she'd treated my child like that!

BIgBagofJelly · 27/12/2016 16:39

There does seem to be a certain type of person who picks on the most vulnerable person in the room, make jokes at their expense and expects them to take it on the chin but is incredibly over sensitive when it gets turned back on them!

LIZS · 27/12/2016 16:40

How nasty of her. Maybe your dh should make a point of saying how hurt you were, and confused dss was, it isn't even true for your dp , so she looks pretty stupid and insensitive. Would she accept it in reverse I wonder. Hmm

coconutpie · 27/12/2016 16:43

What a fucking bitch. YANBU.

JustSpeakSense · 27/12/2016 16:48

Your DH has done nothing wrong and definitely does not need to apologise. Let them all sulk.

ChocoChou · 27/12/2016 16:49

I'm glad DH is standing his ground and has told his Brother that he's not apologising.
SIL sounds like a bitch... not to excuse it at all but was she drunk? I could imagine repeating a "joke" I thought was funny again and again after a few drinks hoping others would laugh.

BUT I would never find that non-bio "joke" funny at all. Poor DSS

TheNameIsBarbara · 27/12/2016 16:54

SVJAA your ExH sounds like a conplete bastard. How dare he call you a raggy doll. That makes me so angry I'm not surprised your dad nearly hit him. Thank goodness he's an ex. I hope you never took his nasty words to heart.

OP - a good step mum is worth her weight in gold. It sounds like you and your DS have a lovely relationship and he can tell you when he is upset. Your SIL needs a bloody talking to, i'm disgusted that she would think that her 'joke' was appropriate. I'm pleased you and your DH have made a stand as her behaviour was appalling and shows DSS that you will support him when someone fucking pathetic upsets him.

SVJAA · 27/12/2016 16:59

TheNameIsBarbara thank you, he's a distant memory now, doesn't bother me in the slightest. I felt for the OPs DSS because I remembered as an adult how much that hurt, never mind being a child and hearing that.

Wolpertinger · 27/12/2016 17:01

Jokes are only funny if everyone is laughing. 'You're too sensitive' is the refuge of the bully throughout the ages.

Sounds like BIL and SIL have done a good job of getting their sob story out first to the PILs too - is BIL by any chance the favourite child?

PaulDacresConscience · 27/12/2016 17:02

God, what a horrible thing to say to someone.

As a PP has said, she sounds like a typical bully - all front until someone calls her out on her behaviour and then all of a sudden she's 'intimidated' as a result.

Nasty behaviour - and shame on your PIL for standing by and not supporting you and your H in calling her out on this. What kind of people think it's acceptable for an adult to bully and name-call a child?

Hope your DSS is OK.

KathArtic · 27/12/2016 17:05

if she felt intimidated by your DH how did she think a 12 year old child felt

Well done to you and your DH for supporting your DSS.

TheNameIsBarbara · 27/12/2016 17:05

SVJAA - so glad he is a distant memory (best place for him). Both Unpleasant individuals.

elfies · 27/12/2016 17:07

Your husband sounds wonderful, treasure him