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AIBU?

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Original poster

For DH not to apologise for telling off SIL?

137 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 27/12/2016 14:28

Sorry a long one.

Yesterday we had my PIL, DH'S DBrother, his wife (my SIL) over for dinner. BIL/SIL's 2 DC were there as will as my DSS.

I was mainly in the kitchen cooking before dinner and DH was helping BIL build a toy that BIL brought with him for his DC's in another room. PIL were having a nap. SIL and all DC's were watching TV in a separate room. So neither DH or I was in the same room as DSS who is 12.

DSS came in to tell me that SIL was making fun of him. DSS was a bit upset. SIL was calling him my 'soap powder' and wouldn't stop after DSS asked her to. DSS didn't understand why she was calling him this and didn't want to be in the same room as her. I popped into the room with DSS and asked SIL to pop into the kitchen leaving DSS to finish watching the film.

I asked SIL what she meant by my 'soap powder'. SIL explained as I don't have DC's of my own, DSS is therefore my non-biological DC. Hence calling him my 'soap powder'. I told her that DSS doesn't understand that and doesn't like being called that. I asked her to stop. SIL said it was a joke and DSS needs to get over himself. She then went back into the TV room.

Luckily dinner was ready and I got DH to help serve so I could mention it to him. He wasn't happy about the name and said if she says it again he was have a word. She called DSS it again at dinner so DH to her to stop. SIL didn't mention it after that.

So today DH gets a call from his DPs. His DBrother called them to say that apparently SIL was upset last night and felt intimidated by DH so they won't be coming over for Hogmanay at PIL as DH will be there. PIL apologised on DH behalf. DH told PIl he didn't mean to upset SIL but he couldn't let her continue to call DSS a name. PIL think DH overeacted and that DH should just apologise for a quiet life and it doesn't really matter. DH has said he won't be apologising and we won't be coming over for Hogmanay.

Is DH being unreasonable? The name is kind of funny, however DSS didn't get it and was upset.

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 27/12/2016 15:13

I think 'drain cleaner' would be a good name for her. Because it's made of caustic soda and to be caustic is to say harsh things. Ask her if she'd like that nickname?

myoriginal3 · 27/12/2016 15:15

Ok, I 'get it' now. Stupid bitch.

MissMogwi · 27/12/2016 15:15

She sounds like a horrible cow. I wouldn't be happy with someone saying this to either my daughters as my DP isn't their dad or my stepson.

Sounds like she's embarrassed at being pulled up and is acting like a spoiled princess instead of apologising. What a Drama queen.

JustHappy3 · 27/12/2016 15:16

I drew my breath in with a gasp of horror when it dawned on me what the soap powder joke referred to.
She's a bitch to call him that in the first place.
She's an absolute bitch to be told someone finds something she has said upsetting and then instead of apologising (for causing offence) to actually call him that again.

Intimidated?! So she should be. Your dh was absolutely in the right.

BIgBagofJelly · 27/12/2016 15:16

She does sound horrible, if my 4 year old DS was calling someone a name they didn't like I'd make sure he stopped straight away, an adult shouldn't need to be told. It's actually a really horrible name to call anyone in the first place.

If your DH spoke to your SiL while everyone else was at the table and no one felt he had been intimidating it seems weird to then come back and apologise on his behalf.

On the plus side it's great your DSS felt comfortable coming to you to tell you and that you stuck up for him, even if it didn't make for an easy life.

Thingywhatsit · 27/12/2016 15:17

Fuck - if that had been my sil she would have been shown the door. she needs to grow up and bloody well apologise to all of you.

doistayordoigo · 27/12/2016 15:17

Isolating a step child by drawing attention to the fact is childish and mean...would it have been equally as "funny" if your child was adopted and therefore not biologically related? Or would the rest of the family have seen that differently? An saying she sounds like a 15 year old is offensive to 15 year olds, I would expect better from my teenagers than that, so condoning the behaviour in a fully grown woman is appalling. If she thinks your DSS needs to get over himself she should take a long hard look in the mirror...

PurpleMinionMummy · 27/12/2016 15:18

He has nothing to apologise for. Your sil does though.

FatOldBag · 27/12/2016 15:19

It wasn't funny at all, it was really nasty. She shouldn't have been stupid and horrible enough to call a 12 year old that in the first place, she then should have stopped when he got upset, she certainly should have stopped when you told her to stop, and for fuck's sake she had no right to play the victim, having carried on with it despite all that, because dh had to tell her AGAIN. She's a bloody moron. No way I'd be apologising. She is the one who should apologise, although it's probably best for your dss to just not mention it again.

myoriginal3 · 27/12/2016 15:20

It would be the last time she'd ever darken the door too.

Original poster
Mrbluethecatt · 27/12/2016 15:21

The reason I said it was kind of funny as my dsis calls DSS Dyson as he loves her baking and will hoover it up so initially I thought she ment he was bubbly. Bubbly like soap powder.

OP posts:
DotForShort · 27/12/2016 15:21

Your SIL sounds extremely juvenile. She may have just enough self-awareness to know that she was in the wrong but lacks the maturity to admit it. So she is now trying to deflect the blame onto your DH and claiming victim status for herself. Good for your DH to stand up for his son. Under no circumstances should he apologise IMO.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 27/12/2016 15:24

Your sil is a moron your dh was in the right good for both of you for calling her out on it

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 27/12/2016 15:25

What a nasty, heartless woman. What an archaic view of family she has! Biology has nothing to do with family. And for HER to be offended for being told off for a tasteless joke SHE made?! It beggars belief. Her Husband should have told her she was out of line-mine would have told me!
Be glad she wont be with you for another special event-enjoy a stress free day without her!

TheWoodlander · 27/12/2016 15:25

Well done to you and your DH for sticking up for DSS.

notrocketscience · 27/12/2016 15:26

My DB's ExW was like that. Making simpering spiteful comments dressed up as "jokes" and coming over all moody and misunderstood if anyone objected. My DB eventually walked away and their children did also, choosing to live with him (late teens at the time). They see her dutifully at certain times of the year but no real affection there.

Well done for sticking up for the child.

PeachBellini123 · 27/12/2016 15:30

I didn't get the soap powder 'joke' at first then made a Shock face when I got it.

What a nasty, stupid thing to say. She sounds like a pathetic bully.

MistresssIggi · 27/12/2016 15:32

I wouldn't let her in the house

Helloitsme87 · 27/12/2016 15:35

How old is SIL? She sounds like a twat

Lemon12345 · 27/12/2016 15:36

SIL is the one BU. How rude.

I don't get the issue with her being in with the kids watching a film. Clearly the kids were old enough to be unsupervised whilst she came into the kitchen to explain 'soap powder', so if she really wanted to she could of offered to help in the kitchen or even just stood out of the way and chatted surely? Or gone to help assemble the toy? Although it doesn't say how old the DC are.

Regardless she's an adult with 2 kids of her own. She should have the maturity to feel upset or annoyed and not take it out on a 12 year old by calling him names.

Unless DH yelled at her to stop I wouldn't be apologising, and I'd be making that bloody clear. Even if he did yell or snap or whatever it should be an apology for the way it was said, but that HD 12 year old DS was upset and no child should be bullied never mind by an aunt at Christmas. Poor kid!

diddl · 27/12/2016 15:40

" initially I thought she ment he was bubbly. Bubbly like soap powder."

You give her much more credit/consideration than she deserves!

You step son it could tell she was making fun of him.

I'm astounded that your BIL, MIL & FIL weren't disgusted by her.

Making fun of a child & not stopping when asked by the child & then by one parent!

Christmassnake · 27/12/2016 15:41

Spiteful cow to make fun of a child,,,,intimidated?? Yeah right....you are in the right .she is a silly cow

lorelairoryemily · 27/12/2016 15:42

What a bitch! No way would I apologise, nasty woman upsetting a child like that

Original poster
Mrbluethecatt · 27/12/2016 15:48

diddl initially I couldn't understand why she was calling him that and told DSS it could be because he is bubbly. I did tell him I would get her to stop either way. I just couldn't fathom an adult (in her 30s) would mean anything else. I did need to connect the dots myself after she explained it.

DH has told DSS she ment bubbly not that she ment he isn't my son as we don't share DNA. Xmas Hmm

DH has spoken directly to his DBrother and has said he isn't apologising.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 27/12/2016 15:48

I'm sitting here with my stepchildren who've come to spend the holidays here and after reading that I looked over at them and thought to myself if anyone ever made that joke about my kids they wouldn't be welcome back in my home ever again!

What your sil said about your (step) child is disgusting.