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Original poster

For DH not to apologise for telling off SIL?

137 replies

Mrbluethecatt · 27/12/2016 14:28

Sorry a long one.

Yesterday we had my PIL, DH'S DBrother, his wife (my SIL) over for dinner. BIL/SIL's 2 DC were there as will as my DSS.

I was mainly in the kitchen cooking before dinner and DH was helping BIL build a toy that BIL brought with him for his DC's in another room. PIL were having a nap. SIL and all DC's were watching TV in a separate room. So neither DH or I was in the same room as DSS who is 12.

DSS came in to tell me that SIL was making fun of him. DSS was a bit upset. SIL was calling him my 'soap powder' and wouldn't stop after DSS asked her to. DSS didn't understand why she was calling him this and didn't want to be in the same room as her. I popped into the room with DSS and asked SIL to pop into the kitchen leaving DSS to finish watching the film.

I asked SIL what she meant by my 'soap powder'. SIL explained as I don't have DC's of my own, DSS is therefore my non-biological DC. Hence calling him my 'soap powder'. I told her that DSS doesn't understand that and doesn't like being called that. I asked her to stop. SIL said it was a joke and DSS needs to get over himself. She then went back into the TV room.

Luckily dinner was ready and I got DH to help serve so I could mention it to him. He wasn't happy about the name and said if she says it again he was have a word. She called DSS it again at dinner so DH to her to stop. SIL didn't mention it after that.

So today DH gets a call from his DPs. His DBrother called them to say that apparently SIL was upset last night and felt intimidated by DH so they won't be coming over for Hogmanay at PIL as DH will be there. PIL apologised on DH behalf. DH told PIl he didn't mean to upset SIL but he couldn't let her continue to call DSS a name. PIL think DH overeacted and that DH should just apologise for a quiet life and it doesn't really matter. DH has said he won't be apologising and we won't be coming over for Hogmanay.

Is DH being unreasonable? The name is kind of funny, however DSS didn't get it and was upset.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 27/12/2016 14:54

What did your DH say to her? Unless he screamed at her across the table, I can't see what he has to apologise for?

She should be apologising to your step son, she sounds about 15!

cheekyfunkymonkey · 27/12/2016 14:56

I'd be thankful she's no longer coming got New Year and be done with it. Your DH was right to tell her to shut up, and apologising for sticking up for DSS would just give her permission to do it again. She needs to get over herself.

PuntCuffin · 27/12/2016 14:57

Does DH's brother know what she was saying to your DSS? Sounds like she tried to get her husband on her side without him knowing the full picture? Do your PIL know what it was about? In her mind it is OK to pick on a 12 year old but being asked to stop was intimidating her? How childish.

bloodyteenagers · 27/12/2016 14:57

She needs to grow up.
So it's ok to call a child a name they don't like repeatedly, when asked to stop says the child needs to get over himself. Then has a tantrum when she is called out again?
Bollocks to that. The parents and her can all enjoy their nasty ways as long as they want. And yes the mil/fil inlae are just as complacent for apologising and wanting ops dh to apologise.

Footinmouthasusual · 27/12/2016 14:58

Well maybe she would have wanted to be somewhere else but the kids are hers so that's life!

EllaHen · 27/12/2016 14:59

No, dh should not apologise.

Your sil's actions are sickening. Not being biologically related to someone as something to joke about? - No. I would be angry and disappointed in her if I were her relation.

Your pil should be calling her on her actions, not pandering to her smokescreen antics. Shame on them.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 27/12/2016 14:59

It sounds like she thought she was being really clever and got pulled up on it. Who continues to upset a 12 year old when they've been asked not to? Stupid woman. Yanbu.

zippey · 27/12/2016 15:01

Bullying is too strong a word for what your sister did, but she was in the wrong. Just let them know that no apology is required as long as there is no more name calling.

Butteredpars1ps · 27/12/2016 15:01

I can't get past calling a step child soap powder because he is non biological that is fucking appealing. I think you and DH were remarkably restrained.

Daisyfrumps · 27/12/2016 15:03

She's a nasty bully who deliberately sought out to make your DSS feel uncomfortable in his own home. Furthermore she disrespected you, her host when you told her to stop. Finally, she plays the 'victim' by going crying to her parents when DH backed you up.

I hope to goodness your DH doesn't dream of ever apologising - and that you refuse to have anything to do with anyone who condones this awful infantile behaviour.

She probably thought she was being funny and clever. She wasn't. She was being a bitch.

Daisyfrumps · 27/12/2016 15:04

Does she not like you very much OP?

YouTheCat · 27/12/2016 15:06

I wouldn't accept that kind of behaviour from a child of 8, never mind an adult.

She needs to apologise for her total lack of manners and her bullying.

diddl · 27/12/2016 15:07

So your husband's parents & brother think that it's fine for their 12yr old GS/nephew to be made fun of, but not for the adult who was doing the bullying to be asked to stop at the dinner table, presumably in front of everyone?

If that's the case, fuck the lot of them!

Who needs to be celebrating Hogmany with arseholes like that?

I'd be ashamed to know them.

SawdustInMyHair · 27/12/2016 15:07

What you're doing is protecting your DSS and also setting him a god example - you and DH are showing him that bullying and insulting behaviour isn't something you just have to put up with.

gleam · 27/12/2016 15:08

Well done for sticking up for DSS.

RortyCrankle · 27/12/2016 15:08

What your SIL called your DSS is not a joke and not in the least funny. It is she who should be apologising, not your DH and he should tell his DF that he had no business apologising on his behalf. I'm sure your DH is quite capable of doing so himself if he so wished, which he doesn't in this case. Of course your DH is not unreasonable.

WicksEnd · 27/12/2016 15:09

That's just fucking nasty. How mean.
You most certainly don't owe her an apology.

Gingernaut · 27/12/2016 15:09

So are her own children 'Fairies' (non bio) then?

YADNBU.

She's awful and a bully. Picking on a child.

ChuckSnowballs · 27/12/2016 15:09

If someone had apologied on my behalf, I'd bloody well call them up, withdraw the apology and firmly tell them not to be a fucking bully to My DSS ever fucking again. And until she apologies to DSS she can fuck right off.

Liiinoo · 27/12/2016 15:10

She sounds very unreasonable and a little spiteful. Invite some mates over to yours and do your own Hogmanay and let them get over themselves.

scottishdiem · 27/12/2016 15:11

Its one thing to get a joke wrong, apologise and move on. Its another to think you are a comic genius to then repeat it in front of everyone else to demonstrate that you are above being told to stop in private.

The DSIL made this a public joke in front of everyone and was told not to make the joke again.

You and DH are the ones in the right here. Stand firm!

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 27/12/2016 15:12

She won't be receiving any apologies from me.

Original poster
Mrbluethecatt · 27/12/2016 15:12

DH said. SIL stop, that's enough. You know he doesn't like it. Enough. This was said in a calm non shouting voice.

PIL will do anything for a quiet life.

OP posts:
Groovee · 27/12/2016 15:13

Your SIL's issue is that she found her joke funny but no one else did and despite being asked to stop it, she didn't so therefore was "told off" at the table!

If she doesn't come that is her loss! I don't think your Dh needs to apologise. She does however for insulting a 12 year old!

myoriginal3 · 27/12/2016 15:13

What on earth does it even mean?