For DH not to apologise for telling off SIL?

[Mrbluethecatt]

Sorry a long one.

Yesterday we had my PIL, DH'S DBrother, his wife (my SIL) over for dinner. BIL/SIL's 2 DC were there as will as my DSS.

I was mainly in the kitchen cooking before dinner and DH was helping BIL build a toy that BIL brought with him for his DC's in another room. PIL were having a nap. SIL and all DC's were watching TV in a separate room. So neither DH or I was in the same room as DSS who is 12.

DSS came in to tell me that SIL was making fun of him. DSS was a bit upset. SIL was calling him my 'soap powder' and wouldn't stop after DSS asked her to. DSS didn't understand why she was calling him this and didn't want to be in the same room as her. I popped into the room with DSS and asked SIL to pop into the kitchen leaving DSS to finish watching the film.

I asked SIL what she meant by my 'soap powder'. SIL explained as I don't have DC's of my own, DSS is therefore my non-biological DC. Hence calling him my 'soap powder'. I told her that DSS doesn't understand that and doesn't like being called that. I asked her to stop. SIL said it was a joke and DSS needs to get over himself. She then went back into the TV room.

Luckily dinner was ready and I got DH to help serve so I could mention it to him. He wasn't happy about the name and said if she says it again he was have a word. She called DSS it again at dinner so DH to her to stop. SIL didn't mention it after that.

So today DH gets a call from his DPs. His DBrother called them to say that apparently SIL was upset last night and felt intimidated by DH so they won't be coming over for Hogmanay at PIL as DH will be there. PIL apologised on DH behalf. DH told PIl he didn't mean to upset SIL but he couldn't let her continue to call DSS a name. PIL think DH overeacted and that DH should just apologise for a quiet life and it doesn't really matter. DH has said he won't be apologising and we won't be coming over for Hogmanay.

Is DH being unreasonable? The name is kind of funny, however DSS didn't get it and was upset.

This thread really got to me TheNameIsBarbara because I felt for the wee boy but I'm also really glad he has OP as a SM, who will speak up to a bully for him. SMs get a tough time on here, OP sounds like a diamond.

She sounds about as funny as root canal without anaesthesia.

Does she normally think she's a great wit?!

I wouldn't apologise to her either. She needs to apologise to your DSS.

Agree to forget about it as long as she doesn't like being called "potty".. since shes's so full of shit

If your SIL - an adult - found your DH's comment "intimidating", how does she think it's okay to call your DSS - a child - a name that is upsetting him? Especially when she has been told that he is upset and thinks he should just "get over it."?

She's a bully and a coward. Most adults, if they inadvertently upset a child with a remark, would apologise, and certainly not say it again. she obviously thought that her wit was so scintillating that it was worth repeating ad infinitum, publicly distressing and humiliating your DSS in front of the whole family.

Your DH was right to call her out on it. It doesn't sound as though he was nasty, he didn't shout, or pull a knife on her, so I can't see why she was "intimidated".

I don't think he should apologise - SHE should. Your DH should tell her it was just a joke and she should get over herself. Your DSS can't defend himself against adult malice. He needs to know that you and his dad have got his back.

*Rebel&

Good one

You could always start referring to her kids as "the bios"

Once she had been told that DSS didn't like it/was upset and you had asked her to stop it was actually bullying to continue. I think she has completely embarrassed herself and wants to deflect it all onto your DH for rightly putting an end to her inappropriate name calling.

So I don't think your DH is BU however it would be better if it can be resolved between the adults before it escalates!

She's foul and the PILS are spineless. Fuck going for Hogmanay. Do your own thing with your nice DH and kids.

Your SIL sounds about 9 years old, this is nasty bullying behaviour. PPs are right 'your too sensitive' is just a way to turn around nasty bullying. Your DH definitely shouldn't apologise, he's done nothing wrong. Is she usually childish?

'Intimidated' my arse. She was pissed off at being caught out and reprimanded.

YANBU

SIL sounds like a real treat eh ?

You and DH have done nothing wrong here. Just make sure if you don't see PILS at NY that DSS doesn't get wind of it being anything to do with him.

You get biological soap powder too so it doesn't even make sense. Is there a back story ? Is she jealous of your family or something? Well done to you and dh and no apologising!

Sil is horrible, oil are not much better for wanting you two to apologise- prioritising their quiet life over dss' feelings. None of them come off well.

If you want to keep the peace you could say that you won't bring it up again with sil as long as she doesn't bring it up again but that you won't apologise as the apology ought to be the other way around. Would the family accept that in order to celebrate hogmony together?

Does SIL have a habit of throwing tantrums so everyone else in the family has to placate her.

Dh right to say he isn't apologising. She needs to grow up.

Lots of people use a name they think is witty and clever for others. (Although in this case I think it's quite rude as it was personal)

However if someone says they don't like it then you stop.

Don't suppose your SIL is a secondary school teacher is she? Ds had a teacher like this re names.

I've been called the same...as an adult by my uncles partner! It was extremely hurtful so I can only guess how hurt your DSS is.

Uncles partner told me I had no right having an opinion on my Mum splitting from my step-father (my brothers father) as I am nonbiological.

This was a few years again now and my brother and I have a running joke about it but he and my Mum were both furious about the comment.

SIL isn't a bit fan of being a parent and has said a number of times how much better her life was before children. I married DH obviously knowing about DSS, choosing to become a step parent.

SIL and I have had a few frank discussions me telling her to fuck off about my 'motives' about being a step parent as she thinks no-one would purposely choose to do so unless they have something wrong with them.

PIL have phoned tonight, saying how disappointed they are that we aren't coming. They wanted to talk to DSS about what SIL called him to check if he really was upset. DH had to tell them no as he doesn't want DSS to know exactly what SIL ment. Ffs

How about calling them prunes instead of their names. When pulled because you know you will ask what's the problem. Rhey are condoning these nicknames so shouldn't mind being called prunes.
And her, to be called Fairy or Tuna, maybe
Frog.

Lardarse is something you may use. Or lush.

I'd opt for DFE as her new nickname
DFE=Dog Food Eater as she is clearly a bitch.

Unanimous thread against SIL! Well done OP for being a great step parent and standing up to DSS. If SIL was bored she could easily have got off her arse and offered to help in the kitchen. Sounds very immature and now she is embarrassed at being called out on it!

Check if he really was upset

Wtf?!? What's the alternative? You and DH lied and are using DSS as some kind of prop to upset and intimidate poor little innocent SIL?! Morons! The lot of them!!

I was ready to say you were overreacting and being unreasonable but you and your dh aren't. Well done to both of you. Awful woman.

Pil also now need to apologise to you. They basically are calling you liars.

YANBU. I hate bullies like this, dishes out but cannot take being pulled up on it. Your DH needs to tell his parents to butt the hell out, nothing to do with them and there is absolutely no need for them to be checking anything.