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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

CMS Help, need advice asap

63 replies

WynterBlossom · 24/12/2016 21:31

Sounds weird but need to know.

When I contact CMS next year to claim money for my son, will they pass info on about me & our son?? I.E what I chose to call him??

So for example if they called him would they say "Hello, we are calling from CMS in regards to a claim for child maintenance your ex partner wynterblossom is claiming for your son Rupert Smith (made up name).

Have to ask on here as I'm sure a lot of women on here may have made a claim after giving birth without contact with the child's father.

OP posts:

Questioningeverything · 24/12/2016 21:40

Yeah they tell them the child's name. But I did it before son was registered and never had to provide evidence of sons birth certificate or anything so you could hypothetically change it between naming to them and on birth cert. People change their minds all the time.

Original poster

WynterBlossom · 24/12/2016 21:44

Oh, I can claim CMS before I even register my baby??

Would I be able to give them a name and then put another one on the BC??

OP posts:

Questioningeverything · 24/12/2016 22:49

You can call the day baby is born. I did once we were out of hospital and had to wait 4 more weeks to register ds

EveOnline2016 · 24/12/2016 23:00

you sound scared of the biological father finding out the child's name.

What can happen is that he contest being the father, he will send them on a wield goose chase.

CMS you have to pay for. So proving he is the father may be expensive as CMS are a business.

Original poster

WynterBlossom · 24/12/2016 23:11

I was told if he contested being the father, they'd just ask him to do a DNA test & he has to pay for it.

If he refuses then it goes to court.

Or they just assume he's the father.

I don't want him to know anything about our son, not his name or DOB.

I don't want him around me or him, I just want him to pay for the child he created.

OP posts:

Questioningeverything · 24/12/2016 23:16

He will find out baby's dob. But don't worry if he's anything like my ds' father he'll be a silent payer. As in doesn't have owt to do with ds but pays every month.

caroldecker · 24/12/2016 23:23

It is not your choice whether he has anything to do with the child. If the wants one and, absent of safeguarding issues, your joint child has a right to a relationship with his father.
If it goes to court, he is likely to want PR and will be granted it.

EveOnline2016 · 24/12/2016 23:25

www.gov.uk/get-dna-test

To be honest from my point of view the child's father is a risk to you, I wouldn't rock the boat.

He will have every right to take you to court for access, and unless you have proof it's your word against his.

Is the money worth it.

Original poster

WynterBlossom · 24/12/2016 23:40

I can't afford him to have anything to do with our baby, it's in my baby's best interests that they don't have a relationship (unless he drastically changes or his new gf is "normal").

He's said a few things in the past which have been a bit which SS were informed of.

It's also all been logged with the police & a DV company.

He won't take me to court as he won't want to spend more money than he needs to especially now he's making plans with his new gf....it would be very beneficial if he was a silent payer. Leave me to raise my son whilst he carries on with his life, now suits me.

It's not me being selfish, I wish he was normal & wasn't a wanker but I can't change him so would prefer it he doesn't cause our son issues....(my ex has a very messed up view on life).

I do wonder if the money is worth however once my mat leave ends, il be a lot of money down.

OP posts:

BobbieDog · 24/12/2016 23:46

The thing is is that once he is made to pay for him then the chances are he's going to want to see him.

So if you want the money then your taking the risk of him wanting access.

And you may not get anything as apparently the vast majority of fathers who pay through the csa/cms get £7 a week

Original poster

WynterBlossom · 24/12/2016 23:49

It's likely he may decide he wants access, if he wants it, it has to be with me around....neither of us want to see each other so that'll put him off straight away.

He the kind of guy that now he's got a gf, he won't want to rock the boat with the relationship so will pay but not make contact.

Also, he earns £20,000 in a job which he is a employee...I know just about every detail to his life down to which places he likes to eat & drink.

Getting £200 a month out of him won't be so difficult.

OP posts:

caroldecker · 25/12/2016 00:56

It does not need to be with you around - the court will order contact, supervised by others if necessary, but almost certainly unsupervised.
You are damaging your child by trying to drive the father out of a relationship.

lalalalyra · 25/12/2016 01:06

I think before you go down the CMS route you need to think very carefully.

I do believe all men and women should pay for their children, however getting no access if he goes to court is only likely if he's been convicted of some really bad things. Supervised access is only likely to be a short term thing if it's ordered and he'll be entitled to organise supervision in a contact centre or by a third party - you won't be able to be there for every single visit for the child's entire life.

Is what he's said and done view by the authorities as serious enough they are truly likely to restrict his access?

Also, birth certificates are a matter of public record so there is nothing to stop him obtaining a copy after your child is born to furnish himself with whatever details he wants.

Is he a danger to your child and do you know for a fact that the courts will agree with you? If not asking him for maintenance and alerting him to the arrival of your child means you'll have to face the fact that the child is entitled to a relationship with their father and that's the stance the courts take - it's not about you or him.

Original poster

WynterBlossom · 25/12/2016 06:28

I complete agree, none of this is about me or him. It's nothing to do with my feelings on it all.

However, regardless as to what my feelings are on the whole situation, he hasn't even told his new gf I'm pregnant so wanting access is highly unlikely.

I agree all children ideally need a relationship with both parents, however I just don't believe my son having a relationship with his father will be beneficial, it'll simply be damaging to him.

OP posts:

Supermagicsmile · 25/12/2016 06:36

What lalalalyra said above.

MsJamieFraser · 25/12/2016 06:36

Sorry OP but unfortunately you don't have the right to do this, you cannot ask him for money for his own child and then not give him the basic info such as the babies name or date of birth.

Original poster

WynterBlossom · 25/12/2016 06:53

If CMS offer the info, then that's fine. I don't have a choice on the matter.

However, I certainly won't be seeking him out to tell him.

If he decides he wants access then fine but it has to be through me before he can take the matter to court, being that we are talking about a newborn baby who will be breastfed exclusively, he won't have any choice but to have to come to my house & effectively have supervised access (with a member of my family, whilst I sit upstairs).

OP posts:

OnionKnight · 25/12/2016 07:52

You need to think carefully OP, you don't have to right to state what the conditions of access are.

Original poster

WynterBlossom · 25/12/2016 08:33

I agree I don't however having done a bit of research in case he did decide to seek legal advice, it's highly unlikely he'll have prolonged time away from me with our newborn son given the fact I will be breastfeeding & given the fact that the shortness in time children require feeding.

If he is still with his gf when I give birth then I may contact her to arrange access, however given the fact she doesn't know, it may come as a shock but I'd prefer she be around when he sees his son.

OP posts:

Scooby20 · 25/12/2016 09:27

Op I think you really need to think about this. Breastfeeding may not going to plan and sounds as though you are holding on to that room prevent him having alone time with his child. It may not happen.

BobbieDog · 25/12/2016 09:28

Dont involve the gf. Contact arrangements are nothing to do with her. You need to sort it out with him directly.

I also wouldnt count on an exclusively breastfed child if the baby isnt even here yet and you have never breastfed before as breastfeeding doesnt work out for many mums.

BobbieDog · 25/12/2016 09:31

It sounds like you have read that a breastfed baby will mean a father has very limited access and decided to breastfeed from there on due to that information.

Being difficult with access will mean the father gets more access in court if the court sees you are deliberately being difficult

Callaird · 25/12/2016 09:59

It sounds to me that you have read as much information available online and taken in the things that suit you best.

If he wants access he can get 6-8 hours 2/3 times a week to spend with his child, from birth. He won't have to leave the second baby needs feeding, this is a lot to ask of a friend or family member. From 8 weeks he will probably be able to take the baby out of the house as you can express to cover feeds. You do not get to choose how long, when and where he sees his child.

If £20,000 is not a typo, there is absolutely no way you will get £200 a month from him. They will take into account his rent/mortgage, bills, hp payments, car etc, as someone above mentioned, you'll be lucky to get £50 a month.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 25/12/2016 10:38

£20k is bugger all. After rent, bills and groceries he'll be lucky to have £100 spare let alone £200

Frusso · 25/12/2016 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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